WHEEEEEE!!! Caffeine high… *ridiculous grin* ;)
Ahhh… good Manga, too much coke, and now my favourite Techno album, I'll have to thank DJ Mnemonic some day.
I don't know, life is pretty darn good at the moment, not that anything special has happened, but I'm happy, warm and fed and depending on your perspective that's all I need. Work today was boring, so I knocked off early, grabbed some videos (I don't have a TV, watched them in the Senior Common Room) and watched one after dinner and a nap.
It's weird how I'm uncannily cheery most of the time. I can only presume that my serotonin must have a methylenedioxy ring on the side. ;) (For those who don't get the chemistry joke, a methylenedioxy ring is what gives MDMA it's wonderful properties).
Got an email from Illara the other day, apparently she had a really great time on NYE, most especially because her friend Gillian came up to Toronto and they got to spend time together. I am of course trying to conceal my jealousy, but it's true, just having someone else there to watch sleeping must be so wonderful. Oh well, I'm certainly not expecting that to happen before I move away from Canberra, but maybe that is for the best so that I can concentrate on the final phase of my work, the rewards will be worth it, and I've been alone so long that another year isn't going to break me or make me any weirder (I think it's possible). ;)
Even the stupid little things I take joy in, tomorrow I can have a shave and that for me is like "Hurrah!". Wow, I knew I was a bit moody and temperamental before, but I certainly underestimated the mood change in the positive direction. Perhaps they should put on the side of the Progynova box "Warning: Possible side effects may include wide-spread euphoria and a sense of well being." *lol*
I got an email from Peta B today, she is so sweet. She was sending me congratulations on finishing the Roaccutane, and warned me to look forward to the wonder that is electrolysis. *s*
The Manga (animee) was pretty cool tonight. The had the stock beefy guys, but one of them was so obviously a girl stock type (if you know any animee you'll know what I mean) but supposed to be a guy and meant to come across as gay as all hell. Think David Bowie as "The Thin White Duke" phase and you'll get the perfect idea. *g* It was pretty cool.
I admit there was a while where I was getting all mopey about two things, obviously the Roaccutane effects on me, and not having a relationship. Well, the Roaccutane is obviously a fading memory, and as for the other?
Ok, this is going to sound weird, but hey it's my diary so there… *blows raspberry* I really derive a lot of happiness not just from being happy myself, but from seeing others I know being happy. Ok, currently Illara is basking in the wonderful afterglow of Gillian's visit, and knowing that she is happy is making me happy by default. Knowing that Red is joyously happy with her relationship with Paul (that's short for Pauline for those not in the know) makes me have this fuzzy warm feeling, that people I know are happy.
Weird huh… I guess I'm the emotional vampire feeding off other people's feelings of satisfaction. But it works both ways you know, if someone I know (even only via email and diaries like Illara) is down and depressed then I suffer the same Hmmm… what's the word? Vicarious! That's the one, "taking the place of another"… I get vicarious emotions. I don't feel like a parasite, and I don't think I am one. I just care for people a lot… hell, more than a lot. I read what they write and or tell me and or experience with me and get inside their experience with my own reflections and feel for them. It comes back to the Piscean type personality of caring too damn much. There are going to be people who'll take advantage of that and rip me down and I'll get back up again and hope that the next person is better, but at the moment that's not a concern. Perhaps it is because I surround myself with these wonderful friends (few and far apart I admit) and that I want them to be happy with their own lives so much. Also I think because I'm not and haven't been in any kind of relationship for years that I look outside myself for the love that only another can bring and nurture… perhaps the partial love of several can make up for absence of the singular love provided by one other.
Something I wrote to Peta in a fit of depression explains what I'm trying to say…

Not that it's like that at the moment, but sometimes I just want to stop the hurt of the whole world, and knowing I can't do that, I want to stop the hurt of my friends, and then I seem incapable of doing that and I resolve to stop the hurt within myself and perhaps there at least I have made a little progress.

Oh well, enough mopeing around for one night.

By the time I actually get time to deal with the piles of email from the Anti-Jen mailing list, nobody is posting anymore, because they're all asleep in the U.S. sheesh! ;)
Ok, running to the toilet might be necessary, but it takes about two or three steps before I have to reach up and stop my new body parts from jiggling too painfully. You just had to know that didn't you. *bg*
I was in the shower the other day, and a word just popped into my head, the word was "lackadaisical". It means lacking motivation, being… there's another word, "insipid". The point is that they just seems to crop up at random intervals. It's weird, does anyone else get this?!? I admit that as a kid I did (and still do) a shit-load of reading. Could it be that these words are just floating around in my subconscious for years on end just to surface like a catfish for a brief moment? Or is it like déjà vu and these words are somehow connected to a event from my past or future?
Ok, that's gotta be a record, I just got a paper cut from my paper plate… *g*
Wow, you've read through all that fluff and are now this far down? Jeeze, you must be even more bored than I was when I wrote this stuff! *s*
Hmmm… what juicy goss should I give you as a reward? *g* How about the time… nah, better not say that, Mum might be reading. What about when I was so… no, that might get me arrested still. Perhaps… *cringe* no, I don't think I'll bring that up again.
Oh well, sorry people you know how it I with proprietary information, always some reason not to let it go. ;)
You know another thought I was having the other day? My room has two sets of windows facing North and West, and yet there is another which I have my room centered around and which shows me much more. My computer internet connection. I hadn't thought of the window analogy before (stupid considering it is my default OS), but it's apt. The view shows me all the things I want to see, and lets me interact with others as though we were neighbors shouting across the hallway. I admit that isn't as good as talking to someone over a cup of caffeine concentrate, but in my position, any interaction is good.
Oh, word for the day (yesterday actually) is "desquamation". Which means "to peel off in flakes". I found that one whilst doing Roaccutane research funnily enough, because it aptly describes my face sometimes. ;)
Ahhh… coming down to coffee baseline despite just having a cup, probably can blame Sasha and Digweed.

I miss them all so much… Michelle, Sarah, Red, Susan and Jules… I just look at the photos on the bookshelf next to me (haven't got a good picture of Soba yet) and miss them and love them… look at their smiling faces and take some heart in the fact that them not being here only makes me miss and love them more… *sigh*

Bought more Progynova today at the Uni pharmacy. I had to wait for a few hours and went to work, and I was wondering what they made of the script, because it had my Androcur attached to it. I'm not sure whether they know the other uses of these chemicals (surely they must) and so what do they think of me as a result? I don't go there much, except for the Roaccutane, but I'm not unknown. I guess this makes me a little distinctive. Perhaps it's like an insider hand shake, where Progynova and Androcur are the password and counter sign to say " Yes, I am a transsexual on HRT." ;) Whatever… *giggle*
Hmmm.. time to crash is nearing, the residual caffeine is going to make me hungry and incapable of sleep. They were tearing up the carpet upstairs and chiseling off the glue with a crowbar and they were also compressing the base of the new carpark out the back, so it's not surprising I got up much earlier than I had anticipated.
Ok then… a rather untypical diary entry tonight that's for sure… guess my free association skills must be improving. *s*