You know, I don't think I've specifically said this before and that therefore it may seem at first unusual given the context of this diary, but gosh I so wish I was a girl. I don't think that being a girl would solve problems such as my social shyness, but just tonight I was in a room full of people and I doubted that any of them felt so out of place as myself. I don't want to pass as a guy, but I can't pass a girl yet and it is really frustrating. I want to be a girl, and my dress sense tends to reflect that with it's androgyny but there's my height which is an alert and I think people just get confused and stay away from "the weirdo". My face is in a period of flux which gives conflicting gender cues, and so does my hair and earrings, but conflicted with my voice. This is the thing, I would like to be full-time, but that is so far off because I don't want to do that until I can get my electrolysis mostly completed. My bad "cues" need to be outweighed by my "good cues", most importantly though I feel very happy when presenting as a female.
This weather is awful. This is related to the above. The awful heat (~33 degrees Celsius today) is something I cannot deal with. I can deal with stares, pain and loneliness, but heat is my greatest enemy… the one against which I have no defense. It infiltrates every pore of my body, makes me feel unpleasant, saps my energy and motivation and turns a potentially nice day into a sweaty hell. All I want to do is lie on my bed and wish that it would go away. My brain and body are like a superconductor. The lower the temperature, the higher my efficiency. ;) It's hard to explain to someone else the importance of me working best under cool conditions. Maybe in summer I just look like a slacker? *sigh*
I had my second doctor's appointment today pertaining to the implant. After discussions with my doctor we decided to go for a 50 mg implant because that was the middle option between 20 mg and 100 mg implants and we would check my blood a month after it was put in. In short, a incision is made near the groin, and a trocar (a metal rod) is used to make the hole in the flesh. The pellet is then implanted and a few stitches are put in place. The 50 mg pellet is about $100 or so. I will have to wait for them to order it in. To compare the blood levels, before and after implantation I had a blood sample taken for analysis. This should come back in a few days and should be interesting to see what my blood make-up is currently like. I had one test before I started Roaccutane, but none of the results would make any sense given the radical shift in my hormonal levels since. If my blood levels of estrogen are too high or low, this can be rectified by changing the implant to either a higher or lower weight.

The annoying thing is, that I want to express the female I feel inside of me, but I can't carry it off because of the male shell which surrounds it. I try to make my externality a reflection of what I feel inside because it is brimming over. But I worry sometimes that it just is counterproductive. I mean I guess there are going to be times where I want to pass, but I just can't get it to work and these are some of these times. On the other hand, my desire to be female is counter-acted by the fear that if I were to move into the female realm, that I would not be accepted. That my attempts to integrate myself into the unique female clique where ever I end up in the world would be rebuffed if I were "picked" and I worry that my physical body would make me an easy target for that. But as I always tell myself when I'm out, people see me and then seeing my height they most likely say "My, she's a tall girl" as opposed to "Oh, it's one of those she-males". Given the relative rarity (~1:15,000) of "my kind" it's not surprising and is some comfort I guess. I think some Ousterhout type surgery would help, mainly because people see the face and pick a sex for that person. Their subsequent interaction has to overturn the original assumption for them to start ringing "alarm bells". A tracheal shave and a bit of jaw chiseling would be most of it. My forehead probably is fine and the rest of it is reasonably symmetrical. But of course, any of that is a long way off dependant upon the procurement of money from a good stable job. First electro, then cosmetic surgery and then GRS if I feel it is the time.
The annoying thing about this convention, is that so much of it is utterly irrelevant. Perhaps if they had work-shops on a particular technique, I would be more enthused, but one off lectures which are of specific interest to only some people is just a thing I cannot get into. I will turn up and make my presence known, but all in all, I would be much happier being back in my laboratory doing my experiments like I was doing for much of today. I had another small advance, learning how to break the "unbreakable" three solvent emulsion, and I will hopefully get a chance to work more on it tomorrow.
Oh well, whatever. The heat makes me tired and saps my strength, I'm not enormously thrilled by anything these days I'm afraid. Tomorrow there is a small soiree on at Susan and Jules place. I'll be giving Red a lift down there provided the car still goes. *crosses fingers* It should be nice I hope. Susan's birthday is coming up soon and so is Krissy's. Mine will be in exactly one month. *sigh* I'm certainly not looking forward to the confirmation of my old age…
I feel I need to learn many of the scientific techniques which I currently rely on others for. I rely on other people for resolving crystal structures and electrochemistry. Crystals for me are a big problem because of my hand tremors. Oh, I guess this is explanation time for those who don't know me that well or haven't met me in person. I have a fine tremor in both my hands, I can't help it, it's always been there and the doctors I have asked just shrug their shoulders. It means I find it difficult to perform certain tasks which require fine motor control. Things like threading a needle, or weighing out or manipulating very small amounts of materials, I couldn't ever be a surgeon or such like. It tends to be exacerbated when people are watching me do something, and although I curse it, it's just something which I've had to learn to adapt to. I get rather self-conscious about it when people just blurt out "Hey, what's wrong with your hands!" or so forth. My body tends to be a rather poor example of humanity in general. I have been extremely short-sighted since I was 3 or 4 and having to wear thick glasses I feel undoubtedly caused me to become introspective, bookish and shy. This "defect" (eye defect, not the social defect *lol*) was mostly corrected by laser surgery undertaken in January 1998.
I also have a misshapen chest. One of my upper ribs is "buckled" and sticks out rather prominently (IMHO). This is less of a problem these days, because the increase in breast tissue makes it less evident. Then there has been my constant battle with ingrown toe-nails and so forth. Not that I am a hypochondriac, but maybe (except for my intelligence) it was best that I was never destined to breed. *s*
I'm slightly worried about the big conference dinner. There are only going to be three of us from our group there, because my supervisor and his wife will be on the "big-wigs" table. I might drive there, get there late, eat and so on and escape if it gets really tedious. I wish our group got along as well as other groups seemingly do, but when it comes down to it, I simply cannot stand N**** anally-retentive smirky attitude. C***** is alright, but that's all there is these days. The new honours student E**** is quite cool, but won't be there.
I really need to send an email to Marilyn… just did so. ;)
Oh, I have to add, the cockatoo's nesting in the tree outside my window are worse than the construction which had been going on. They'll be gone come winter, which is why I'm pining for the chilling weather…

Reading what I wrote, sometimes I really want to scream, but you can't talk to a computer screen… I can talk to Peta on ICQ, but it's not the same as trying to articulate your thoughts through speech which is so much more than simple words, but body-language and expression and tone. It's like comparing bottles of paint to a finished painting. The thing is, that my friends are here, and they will listen to me, but they can't offer advice on my situation. I mean, most people can help with boy/girlfriend trouble or poor grades because most people have been there themselves, but if it's only ~1:15,000 who can understand where I'm coming from, then I'm in real trouble if I'm looking for face-to-face advice. Maybe I should take up my jogging (which I have allowed to lapse) to regenerate my energy levels?
I'm chatting to Soba on ICQ. Weird, I guess I really should tell everyone (especially new-comers) exactly who Soba is. Soba's real name is Madeleine, we met at UWS-Hawkesbury in western Sydney in 1994. We went out for about 3 years and broke up finally in March of 1997. I have to admit, that there were some of the happiest and saddest moments of my life when I was with her. I broke our relationship, and messed up any reconciliation by being a testosterone driven fool. It is probably the one greatest regret of my life, but it would have happened eventually with my increasing exploration and discovery of my "true self". Now, years later, our lives have diverged and she lives in another state, and except for the occasional (yet powerful) twist of guilt on my behalf, we get on quite well and support each other a lot. :)

Ok, bed time for this "muffin-head" a term I quite like, and probably deriving from Darien (Tuxedo-Mask) teasing Serena (Sailor Moon) as "meatball head" based upon her unusual hair-style. ;)