Hmmm… it's been an interesting weekend so far…
This morning as usual I was in the lab for a few hours. Not too long, maybe from 11:00 am to 2:00 pm I guess, I chucked it in and after a late afternoon sojourn into the city (to buy some Manga *blush*) I came home and waited for my parents to arrive.
They were driving over (just under 3 hours or so) to pick up the little green car and take it back for necessary maintenance, and since Mum had been working that day they didn't have very long to stay and in total they were probably only here for an hour or more. Still, it was good to see them and as always I wonder what I did amongst the horror stories to deserve such nice parents.
My Dad picked up the photo I have of Michelle (from the Ball) which is in a frame. Engraved on the bottom is "Steph and Michelle". I mentioned that that was Michelle, but he didn't ask who Steph was. These days I still tidy the place up before they come over, but I don't sanitize it like I used to. My sink area had concealer, women's shaving cream and body spray and a make-up sponge, so there wasn't much hidden there… oh well, fair enough I think, I couldn't be bothered hiding out anymore, it's too much energy I don't have…
Work continues to suck, after my parents left I went back to the lab and had confirmed what I had been dreading. That making a particular material using two techniques does not actually result in exactly the same compounds, just two compounds similar enough to fool all but someone who's just spent the last year busting a gut in this area. *sigh* To add insult to injury, there is a group meeting tomorrow where I get to show the humiliation dealt me by the malignant Chem-Gods to the rest of the world… oh ascending joy…
This is my 250th diary entry. So? I don't know, I thought it was a nice round number at least.

A girl from the Anti-Jen list posted an interesting email saying how she had doubts about whether she would ever go for the full GRS. I find myself agreeing with her when she said

"The thing is for me is that my GID centers around my body (The fact it looks male rather than female), and the fact that I am forced to live in a gender role that doesn't fit my true nature. I've never really hated my penis, it's there, I use it for all kinds of stuff. I just can't stand the rest of me being stuck as a guy."

That's how I feel. There was a story of a trans-girl who so abhorred the shape of her body and the presence of a penis, that she showered in the dark and used a thick sponge. Now that is much more disturbing to me. I guess I'm fighting against the old belief that to be a "serious" TS that you must have a burning desire to GRS above and beyond anything else. I'm sorry, I think I'd blow ~$20,000 on Electro and Dr. O first and then worry about GRS later. However, the trans and medical community at large conspire to tell me I am "not valid" unless I have the sole aim of getting my penis turned inside out.

Some thoughts from when I was on the bus coming back from my name change…

"I was for a long time a transsexual and commonly thought of as a man. Now I am simply the woman I always was."

Who knows how much truth there is in that? It's true that transsexuals are mostly conservative when it comes to gender. They seek to escape stigmatization rather than confront and eliminate it, I understand the reasons though, because I live it also.

Another quote from "In search of Eve : Transsexual rites of passage".

"The greater their adjustment to their roles as women, the more glaring does their genitalia become a symbol of discontinuity."

The author also mentioned that the further the transsexuals she studied moved into their female gender role the greater their desire for surgery became. So, I ask the question, is this what will happen with me? As one day I finally am able to transition to a full time role, will I increasingly find surgery a desire I wish to fulfil? And for what reason? To stop the discontinuity, or so I can fully enjoy life a s a normal female, or whatever other reason? Surgery isn't at all an absolute option, and at the moment I have more pressing concerns to consider, but what will be? I suppose it is good I do not have the money at the moment, and even if I did, I doubt I would get surgery in a short to medium term besides. I want to be able to pass as a female long before I need to consider what I want between my legs.
Humph… so much philosophy, guess who I've been talking to of late? *grin*