I shaved my top lip, and some concealer made me feel a lot better about my appearance. I also woke up at the unheard time of 7:30 am (!).
Work was slow in the morning and was interrupted between 12 pm and 2 pm by Peta G and I taking an impromptu drive in her fast new car out to the Canberra Observatory (Mt Stromlo) for lunch and coffee. Pleasant, informative, fun; the usual mixture of coffee and good conversation. I had to return to Uni rather abruptly because I had organized coffee with Red at 2 pm, suffice to say Peta's driving style got me there at a most efficient rate. So, coffee with Red for an hour and then into the laboratory where I stayed and was quite productive until 6 pm and then home.
Tomorrow is general coffee and also my electrolysis session. I may be running Z-scan, something I simultaneously loathe and yet wish to get out of the way.
Thankfully the scabs on my chin seem to be fading slowly, just in time it seems to receive another batch.
I continue to juggle the question of an orchiectomy vs. electrolysis. I am now slightly dubious of the electrolysis expertise present here in Canberra, but I am also not wishing to make any mistakes by opting prematurely for an orchiectomy.
I know that I am definitely now (if I wasn't already before hand) quite sterile, and I also realize that as a female is how I believe I wish to live my life. However, at the moment, I have the safety net of being able to switch (relatively) easily between the two. Practically, it would mean a reduction in my hormone load and the elimination of the Androcur.
Mentally, my consideration of it signals the desire to permanently change my body on a fast basis. I don't want to rush in, but I can't think of what I should be considering before I make a decision… I suppose it should be "Is this right for me?" "Is this really what I want?" is how I need to examine the question.
Truthfully, I have been altering my body ever since I started my estrogen therapy, it is simply that this process has been much slower, but in the end just as permanent. I suppose it is in the sense that how much soul-searching is enough. I think I need to discuss this issue with others, but that severely limits the people to whom I can talk directly, and to Trans people the answer is already given, and to non-trans people the reaction is usually horror that I would contemplate giving myself over to be "mutilated".
The good thing is that I am in no rush to have such an operation done. This leaves plenty of time for quiet contemplation of the issues at hand.
I think half the problem is that in isolation like this, I'm just not sure if there is some obvious question which I haven't asked myself. I guess it's a matter of "If I am going to spend the rest of my life as a girl, than an orchidectomy makes sense." Also, "If I'm going to get GRS eventually, i.e. live life as a female, than at this point an orchidectomy makes sense."
Maybe the thing is, that I have such minimal use of my whole genitalia, that I can't see the point of GRS at all if usage is going to be zero regardless of whether I get the Op or not. Again this comes back to my gender dysphoria being centered more around being male all over and having to live that way, rather than some small area centered between my legs. At the moment, that area is just an inconvenience. I don't know, I suppose it's good I'm tossing the issue about and examining it. I guess it's just that at the moment, I am in greater need of a more complete wardrobe. In terms of what counts, exteriors count. Therefore I guess I have to side with getting electrolysis done first, and the orchi can wait.
1:00 am - Hmmm… seems I have a nice little dialectic happening here…