This evening was not a good one. I felt alone, I feel unwanted. I wondered whether I wanted to go to coffee tomorrow, because the last few times I have felt distinctly on the outside. I think when there are certain people there I feel more comfortable, so I hope this will be the case. I felt I had lost some people as friends, that as nice as they are to me, they would never really accept me. I thought I would avoid this upon my coming out. However, I have met other new people because of my situation who have filled my life with joy, happiness and light, so the balance is made up.
Recently I've also been missing Mum a lot. In the sense I wish she were around so I could give and receive a big hug and listen to the stories she used to tell me when I was young. I feel I have been given a second chance to get to know her, and I don't want to throw it away.
When I write them out, I can think of 6 people who I can REALLY talk to. I suppose that that isn't a bad number, because I know that at boarding school I had exactly zero people who I could have done the same with. At Hawkesbury, there might have been 2 people, but I couldn't have talked to them about being trans, so I couldn't really properly talk to them, I could barely admit it myself. I certainly had no confidence to work it out internally either.
I suppose that's it is that I wish I could talk freely with all my friends, but I know that's not possible because it weird's them out or they feel uncomfortable. I suppose I would feel worse losing the inner core of friends, but losing closeness with anyone is a blow to me also. I suppose it is because I find it hard to make friends in the first place. Maybe in the future when I'm in a totally new environment and have to start at scratch, that I can be honest with them and that the people who stay won't feel deceived.
I suppose that's what I feel I might have done here, that first I was one thing and then I became something radically different and people had to adjust. Some people could, for other it would always be "Weird but Ok".
Ahhh… I'm glad I got that all out, recently I've gone through a dozen different emotions in the space of an evening and never written any of them down. In some ways this was good, because some of those thoughts involved emailing people to tell them how I really feel. While I believe in honesty and not waiting until it is too late to talk to people, I know that there are reasons why this isn't done. Never mind, I guess I'll just have to rely on the grape-vine for my messages to arrive at the right people.
As for today, I put in my application for a 6 month extension on my Ph.D.., made what I think is ferrocene dicarboxaldehyde, but felt overall quite unproductive. I guess it may be attributed to having so many lines of investigation which need to be tidied up, but being unable to chase them up for whatever reason, usually a lack of starting materials. It can get quite frustrating.
Still no word from Toad Hall yet, I suppose I should give them a buzz sometime soon to see when I will find out, but I don't want to be seen as pushy and hence possibly damage my chances.
Hmmm what else is up? Not much really.