9:10 pm - Sunday 21st May 2000

Here I sit. Drip, drip, drip…

Ok, whilst I wait for my hair to dry, I may as well hone my bad rhyming skills. ;)
Today was fairly quiet, some lab time, a quick trip into Civic to grab minor supplies, some ICQ, phoning home and so forth.

Definition of Ridiculous : Me after blow-drying my hair. I look like an enormous puff ball, or "Dust Puppy" from User Friendly (www.userfriendly.org).
I'm also working on my "Transition Thoughts" which Peta G asked me to write something up for the TGO site. It's obviously a work in progress (as am I *g*) but I'll send her a preliminary copy of what I've got so far. Yuck, I've got to demonstrate tomorrow.

1:50 am - Tuesday 23rd May 2000

Unusual for me to run two entries together like this, but I figure I have only fluff to write down, so I may as well write up a nice big compact bale of fluff (the unit of fluff is the bale).
Today I got up at 7:00 am, was in the lab about 8:00 am or so, and left at 7:00 pm i.e. I was completely knackered by the end.
A lot of the time today, I was having real issues with my body (again). I don't really hate it, just pining wistfully and wishing I was some little petite size 8 elf. *sigh* Naturally, this isn't ever going to eventuate, and I know I need to "get over it", but still… *sigh* I really am pushing the outer boundaries of female shape as recognized by the quick glance. I don't know how I was kidding myself, I mean I used to feel good about myself, but now even when I look at something as insignificant as say my forearms, they're huge! :( Mentally as well (possibly as a spin off) I feel a bit lost, wondering whether transition would be basically a big mistake (pun unintended), whether I could cut it as a female. I guess I could, but not with my attitude and self-worth taking this quick spiral downwards.
I have a few ideas as to why I may be in this semi-blue funk, when I realize that I didn't look any different last week, it was just that my self-esteem was better. This may be chemically related to the drop in Androcur and other changes to my medication. I know Illara had a utter horror of a time last year with some bad meds, and I want to (actually, I can't afford to) fall into that same trap.
Partially the problem is related to my weight coming up again slightly. I am getting close to weighing 80 kg (176 pounds for you imperial types). This has been a barrier which I have been trying to keep on the low side of and was doing alright. However, exercise means I pack on muscle, and although that is good, the number on the dial still depresses me.
That and not quite knowing how to make myself look any better. I usually present myself as "Here I am world". I dress down, because in the lab for long hours you're looking at comfort, I still don't know what I want to do with my hair, and it's always tied back for various reasons anyway. The stubble I deal with as best I can, but the lack of shoes doesn't allow me to enhance my wardrobe much either.
Well, I really have no idea how to shake myself up and get myself back on the track. Certainly I've got no desire to be reveling in a very private pool of self-pity, I want to be upbeat and zingy. I guess I must be having the tranny equivalent of PMS, something unusual for me, but just as deadly when it hits. Ok, maybe tomorrow will be a nicer day?

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