A paraphrase of something someone posted at Anti-Jen…
If I had made even only 10% of the effort I'd put into transition into being a guy, maybe I could have made something of it".
Would this hold true of me? This person was post-op and wasn't regretting anything, just making a "What if" observation. However, have I put much effort into my transition? No, not really I've generally just been too busy getting on with life. I haven't had mountains to climb, battles to be fought, everything has moved into place with almost natural ease. I can't see electrolysis being a problem (more about this later), and that seems to be about the only thing (that and my constant questioning) between me and full-time (well, a bit of cosmetic surgery might be nice).
See, maybe I need a challenge, maybe I need something to try and stop me transitioning to see how strong my resolve is. I think this is the question I've been trying to articulate out of myself over the last week or so. "Just how much do I want this?"
I just submitted the last paragraph to Anti-Jen for hopefully some peer review, I don't know how much use it will be, but it's got to be cheaper than seeing a head shrinker for $150 an hour. ;) In fact, to be true, the only thing which has slowed my transition at all, has been Roaccutane and lack of money. Even overwhelming emotions brought on by hormones might be considered a challenge, but nyet.
Ok, other news, I got my new toy to play with, a shiny new 100 MB zip drive. This is for my thesis work, since it will quite quickly exceed what I can take home on a single floppy disk.
Yesterday was an extended coffee day. I met Red at about 1:00 pm and we chatted, then coffee with everyone else at 2:00 pm, and then after queuing to get some NMR time, coffee with Peta G at about 4:30 pm. She had several quite good bits of news to pass on. First her surgeon had invested in a new laser for treating facial hair and she had a trial that day and was going in for a full session in a week or so. The cost seemed reasonable (relatively as always) I am interested in getting my doc to give me a referral to go down and see him for a trial. She also passed me on information about the urologist which was good, because things were much cheaper than I expected, which is always a relief.
9:00 am - The scariest thing for me to think at all… "Am I just a cross-dresser who got to big for her boots?"
"What I'm doing feels right." But is that enough?
"How much questioning is enough?" Sadly, only when you have your own answers.
"Is questioning enough?" Not entirely, personal experience is needed. But then, personal experience without questioning is as futile as questioning without personal experience.
[end Zen-master/student mode]
You see, what challenges await me in the future, that I am currently blissfully unaware of? Challenges so great as to cause me to turn and run for this life-path. And if I have moved to far down that path, what then? Continue on because I can't turn back, or turn back regardless of how far I've come?
Crap, all these questions, and now I'm late for work… *g*
6:00 pm - Well, it's been an interesting day on the email at least…
I don't know much anymore… I don't know whether I look like a boy or a girl anymore, I don't know whether I want to be a girl or a boy anymore, I don't know whether I want to be happy or sad, I don't know much except that I have to go to work each day. Maybe I should be grateful for that at least.
My last post…
You see, I know I shouldn't want pain in my life, I should be grateful for not being tested, I should be happy that the angel of tribulation has (temporarily) passed over my house. I know being tested won't make me a morally superior person, I know the basic human response is to not want pain, I know I may not even become a better person for it. I know all these things are true, and still… Maybe I can write a book "My perfect life and why I hate it."
Ok question time, who here cries? Who here has balled their eyes out until they were red? *Looks around* Not me, never… I'm waiting, begging for an emotional catharsis… and nothing. I want to feel alive, I want to experience emotions… the last three years have been like being wrapped in cotton wool. Feeling nothing, floating on a fluffy cloud of a heroin-like buzz… who knows, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year, I'll have all the pain that my little heart can bear. I shouldn't want it, and yet… maybe when (if) it happens, people will say "You wanted it, and there, now you've got it". I know I'll want support, I hope the people here will still be here for me…
Heh, most people write and wish their troubles would be taken away, and I want some… oh well, I always was a weirdo… *sigh*