Thursday : (Sung) Crystals, crystals everywhere, some are round and some are square.
Shopping with Red, Dinner and then a movie (Wigstock) at Tilley's with Rob. It was nice, I should have been at the gym, but there you have it.
Friday : More crystal work, collecting and fiddling. Lunch with Peta G for an hour or so, not really enough time to try and express some of the mixed-up feelings I had been experiencing. I really respect her and her opinions, but I know she has a very busy life and I can't expect anyone to put time aside for me to thrash through my doubts and problems, when everyone has their own to deal with.
Self - "You've got half a brain girl, work things out on your own for once."
Later on, very crappy animee and then to Manuka with Bridget and Red to see Mission Impossible 2 (Very cheesy, all together too many shots of Sydney).
Personal problem of the moment : It's weird, I've gotten really touchy-feely. I don't know why, and although it's certainly not an enormous problem, I know that some people are made uncomfortable by it. It's not like I'm jumping up and hugging people and not letting go, but I've noticed it within how I act. I'm trying to keep it under control, but to me, physical contact of whatever level is my most precious gift… my most beloved treasure…
Being blunt time now, I haven't been close to anyone in a physical sense for Hmmm… at least a year and a half. I don't know, maybe it's like scurvy? You can survive for a certain period without Vitamin C, but in the terminal stages it's not a pretty sight at all.
My friends, who mean so much to me, I feel inadequate expressing myself in any other way, as my ability to express the depth of feeling within me becomes more and more inadequate, the feeling that this last resort of expressing how much they mean to me becomes increasingly appealing. But it would be so incredibly stupid to loose anyone close over something as trivial as my desire to express my friendship and my unique and utter loneliness.
The other real problem is that I keep on getting really paranoid. I noticed this back when I started hormones in the first place. I wondered what people really thought, and whether they really wanted to be around me. Suffice to say, the feelings haven't disappeared, and these days I can't tell what is retreating, vanishing friendship and what is simple paranoia. When all you have are your few friends keeping you going, this becomes a very real issue of concern. *sigh*