It's now that I realise, that having lived as a boy and as a girl, that I know which I prefer. I don't know why the question was so hard for me to frame. I don't think you can say "I want to live this way" without actually trying it first… the famous/infamous "RLT" or "Real Life Trial". I'm living in a pseudo-female role and am finding myself to be enjoying life immensely.
In the sense therefore, the answer is simple… if you are presented with two options, and you prefer one over the other, then choose what makes you happy.
I think mainly I am apprehensive about the future… I don't want to make a mistake, I don't want to get stuck half-way, I DO want things to work out. I don't feel any push, I feel as though I've fallen into most things in my life. Is it now finally that I have to "push" things along?

This was written in about 5 minutes at work, and is one of my better articulations of what I want and why, and why I am afraid sometimes.
Maybe it's that I'm not a "push" person? Maybe history (personal or on a grand scale) does work towards a final purpose, maybe my sub-conscious is doing the gentle driving without me even being aware…

8:45 pm - It's raining again… bugger, can't go to the gym… oh well. :)

I wonder to myself… Am I living my real-life trial and not even realizing it? Is this another thing I've drifted into without even thinking consciously about? That would be par for the course for me…
I think it may be time to take myself off to a head-shrinker… I think my natural time-line has progressed to this point.

Wow! It is really pissing down with rain! *glee*

9:10 pm - An extract as I re-read the early parts of Peta G's diary…

"30th October 1998 - A year ago I greedily devoured such information and I clearly remember reading about two people who opted out of suburban life and settled onto a farm in Southern New South Wales. The life they had made for themselves and the way they were progressing toward their life goals impressed me for the first time that it is possible to REALLY become a woman.

I would mark that day as the one where my life has changed more than any other."

Okkie, cue the freaky "Twilight Zone" music… the article I wrote about (13th June), the article which changes and saved Peta B's life I am sure is the exact same article.
Okkie, if that's true, tell me that isn't like, totally weird… I'll have to get Peta B to show Peta G the newspaper clipping.

9: 45 pm - You know what I am? I'm a poisoned catalyst… I'm a hard-core scientist who's been contaminated by post-modernism… ;)

10:45 pm - The Smiths "How Soon is Now"

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Hmmm… it's such a cool song… :)

I've been thinking about how even with the advent and amazing achievements of the internet, much "transsexual lore" is still passed on by word of mouth. I think it's that there is very strong desire to find like-minded people who (unlike family, friends, psychologists, etc) understand because they are in the same position themselves. In the finding (usually the first part of transition) of others, the "lore" is passed on… part of the lore is not only names of friendly doctors and psychologists, but also the "expected" patterns of behavior and "orthodoxy" which may be either good or bad depending upon your adherence to and/or belief in them.

The detail to which my memory forgets the unlikable person I used to be continues to astound. This is something which is only starting to filter back to me… I used to be a very arrogant person, always ready with a biting, nasty comment which I considered "friendly jesting". I picked that and other habits up from boarding school, because it was part of the "law of the jungle". I was actually quite shocked when I discovered people at Hawkesbury considered me a "smart-ass", but now I see it was thoroughly justified.