This morning, after much procrastination, I went into my supervisor office to discuss some chemistry. On the way out I mentioned that I preferred Steph to Steve and asked for his help in mentioning that to others. It didn't go as well as I had hoped. He basically seemed to pass the responsibility back onto me. The whole point of me going to talk with him was to ask for his support, because I felt that I'm without much moral support from the rest of the department.
Bringing the subject up on a on-to-one basis was very difficult, but I imagine that it may get easier, in the same way that even admitting to someone that I was TS was initially very traumatic, but became easier over time. I am considering writing an email, but asking verbally has it's advantages in that people can't really argue and say "No" to your face, and it leaves no paper trail for gossip to center around. I probably sound paranoid, but it's allowed me to survive this far.
Anyway, the day was mostly spent writing up Safety Data sheets which was incredibly boring but needed to be done. Tomorrow (Wednesday) I have my laser consultation as well as lunch with Szusza, both of which should be interesting. I also picked up my 3 month gym card, tonight was supposed to be my first night back on the treadmill, but I went shopping for food instead and then snoozed. Tomorrow I'll try to get home at 6:00 pm or so, nap for a while and then go to the gym, then home and dinner.
I'm still having trouble with seeing my face in the mirror, I just can't see anything in it which says "female". I'm wondering if I have been deluding myself into believing that I can pass, I'm just not sure anymore, I'm waiting to finish falling across that chasm…
It's the same way with how I feel about how people feel about me… my paranoia swings back and forth, but realistically, they feel the same way about me on Friday as they did on Monday. So, compare that with the fact that I don't look any different to the way I did last week, I just feel differently about it.
I think I made the mistake of picking up a copy of "3D World", the free Sydney club magazine. Inside were photos of all the young club people looking beautiful, and happy, and in comparing and contrasting myself to all the fit, beautiful young things in their finery, I now am more considerably brought down to earth.
Still, just now I flick my hair out of it's pony tail, and realize that I've been wearing a very stark, not particularly attractive look (for me) all day. Now with my hair down, I really can see a lot of potential, even when lazing about in an old football jersey. Perhaps it's just the little things… (?)
Right now, the one thing I'd love to happen to my face is just to have a good complexion. My cheeks are red from God-knows-what, my top lip is marginally blue from the hairs under the surface, I've got that patch of freckles across the bridge of my nose, and will the dark circles under my eyes ever go away? Oh well… time and therefore more patience is required…
I know there is stuff I can do, it's been months since my last eyebrow wax, and a facial wouldn't do any harm, of course that will have to wait until after I'm zapped. But even cutting back on the amount of diet-coke I drink and switching to water wouldn't hurt… after looking at my old passport photo (good for a laugh) I think the annoying and persistent redness of my cheeks is because my skin has gotten thinner whilst on the hormones, and the capillaries (filled with bright red hemoglobin) are now closer to the surface and more visible.