Today was down, then up, then down. I went to the gym and then back to set up a 13C NMR to take my mind off the evil world outside my head. Perhaps I should read less "gender" literature, it's messing with my head (if that's possible).
On the up side, I got a call back from the lady at the Laser Center, and after a moment or two of me apprehensively holding my breath, she said that after talking with Dr T**** that it was Ok to proceed. Suffice to say that was a big load off my mind, and I booked an appointment for Wednesday 9th August at 4:00 pm. I would have preferred Friday, but that wasn't an option. So thank god, we can finally begin to eliminate the dreaded facial hair. Can't complain about that. :)
However, life as always isn't a bowl of strawberries. I suppose I feel Ok now because I've got post-gym/post-shower endorphins flowing through me, but I know that come tomorrow I'll realize again that few people understand me, and few people want to.
For example, many of the books about Transgendered people aren't written by TG people. I would hardly expect people to take me seriously if I said I spoke for illiterate black prostitutes from Kenya slums, and yet these "experts" say they speak for transgendered people. Instead, they fit their research around their opinions, and can never understand what it's like to be trans. I often can't enunciate what it's like to be trans, and they've already made their conclusions by the end of Chapter One.
But I suppose there in lies the crux of being trans, I suppose in many ways it's like having a rare disease. Sometimes people can see it, sometimes they can't, but it's always with you, and most people have about as much understanding of Tay-Sachs disease as for Jorgensen Syndrome (my humorous name for transsexuality).
I'm trying not to torment my conscience over my transgendered nature, and I wouldn't say that I'm obsessing over it. I wonder if it's my own issues/doubts/concerns with being TS, or the problems made by being TS and living in a society which hates gender outlaws which cause me more trouble. Hmmm…
I think it's more than just that, I think it's my innate shyness which tends to make things hard for myself because I end up feeling so lonely. My being TS merely compounds that problem. Even if I was the most outgoing person in the world, I'd still be gender dysphoric, but maybe I might have approached it in a different manner.
So, what is the solution? I believe the solution to my issues of gender is transition. The underlying problem of introversion is harder to address, there are so few things that I can "take for granted" that I'm not sure what the proper way to settle it is.
Problem : I feel terribly alone.
Cause : I have only a few friends, they have their own lives. Also, I am single.
Obstacles : I am chronically shy, my work-load does not permit me to widely socialize. I am a transsexual (one of Western cultures "Untouchable" castes.)
Possible solutions : Widen social circles so as to find other friends or a partner. Make better contact with present friends.
Continuing problem : This does not eliminate my underlying shyness.
To some people, these things might be as easy as to do as to write. However, they're not me. To simply write down "I am a transsexual" isn't half as difficult as saying it to someone who you respect or care for. The last time I cried (over 2 years ago) was when I had to tell a close friend I was TS. Maybe I should go back and discuss this with my Psych? Hmmm…