11:15 pm - I'm momentarily trying to avoid writing about my transition, because I don't want to seem like one of those people who think solely of that and nothing else. My life is pretty full of non-transition related stuff at the moment, and I like it that way. If only for the simple reason of what do you do once you've finished transition, and that was all you ever thought about?
Anyway, I've got good friends to keep me occupied at the moment (and a bucket-load of work). Coffee tomorrow morning with Peta G, pizza and bad Japanese monster-movie with Red (and maybe Susan and Jules) tomorrow night and then coffee with Peta B in Manuka on Sunday. All in all, with trying to do work and squeeze some gym time in, it'll be Monday morning as usual before I even know it.
I'm still looking kind of yucky from the laser, nothing that can't be covered up with makeup, but I'd prefer if it wasn't there in the first place. My top lip is the most obvious spot, where there is just enough redness to make it look like I have a five o'clock shadow. I can't really make myself do boi-mode anymore, but maybe this weekend, I'll give my skin a break and give it a shot.
12:00 am - Ok, ok, so I caved in…
Is it normal, that the worse I feel about my appearance, the greater my doubts about transition become?
Yeah, and I'll also cave in and answer my own rhetorical question too.
Of course it does. To a transsexual, appearance is everything (technically). We can't be the absolute "real thing", but we're willing to settle for a close approximation. Passing is power, passing is winning, that is a truth be it ugly or otherwise.
My life is on the balance right now. I could dive headlong into transition, or I could pull off this twilight semi-sexed appearance for a lot longer. Transition is a choice, and I still don't know what I want to choose. I don't think I can say that I have transitioned, I guess I'm just as close to the edge as you can be. I know a lot of people have gone and made the leap long before they reached they stage I am at. Me? I want my electrolysis finished, my Ph.D finished and a lot of other stuff finished before I believe I will be truly ready. Maybe I'll never be ready? Maybe I'll never be ready because it isn't for me? Perhaps no-one can ever be "truly ready", maybe there is always an element of risk and chance?
I still have my options open at least. Transition may be a happy door, but it's terribly hard to get back through.
See what happens when I'm not otherwise occupied? I start thinking!!!