Today at least was my first serious attempt at boi-mode in a very long time. I had the yechy remnants of Friday's laser therapy quite visible on my top lip, so I thought I should avoid concealer for just a little bit. I wore my short gray shorts, Irish Rugby top and sneakers. I cycled into Civic and bought a whole heap of new bike parts, did some sun-sitting (lots of sun-screen on though) and then about midday headed back to the lab.
The Honours students was pissed off at something, but I didn't want to get involved, so I tinkered with and cleaned my bike and then decided it was a nice warm day and headed back into Civic for a look around.
My afternoon was pretty much decided when I found the latest Sailor Moon Super S comic book and I excitedly came home. I spent the afternoon laying on my bed, reading, listening to the radio and generally doing as little as possible.
This type of lifestyle while fun gets boring rather quickly, and deciding I'd had enough boi-mode for one day, I decided to make an effort. On went the concealer, on went the bra, on went a nice top and I was back in a good mood. I bummed about at the lab, did some writing up, but very little else productive.
Tonight was "Gamera : Attack of the Legion" which was pretty cool as "kaiju" or Japanese monster movies go. I collected Susan and Jules from Woden and we went to Red's place. Susan was rather tired and drifted off, but I watched it through to the very pleasing (though hardly unexpected end).
Tomorrow (or rather today) I need to resist the urge to go shopping, Thursday's paycheck will almost entirely be blown on rent, but at least I'll feel as though I've done the right thing.
Instead I guess I should do experimental, write up more real work, go to the gym and maybe take the car to the car-wash.
Anyway, my "return" to boi-mode was rather uneventful I think, I'm not really sure exactly what to say though. I felt kind of false in the sense that I want the people here (home, work, etc) to consider me female and thus I want to present a consistent image. (Side note: I am really starting to loathe communal living) It was good because I wasn't worried about people "catching me out" but at the same time, it was a hollow life which I didn't want to have to return to. If living as a female was not an option, I imagine I could somehow return to living as a guy, but I think it would be a sad and melancholy existence.
I also had a thought last night about some of my fears. I am a person who collects things, and I'm often loathe to throw away the littlest, silliest thing because it has some personal meaning to me. To me, physical things are a reminder, a "memory sink" a way of remembering what was, because when I see that dead plant, crumpled piece of mews-paper, ridiculous souvenir, they bring back memories associated with them and if I were to lose them I might lose those special memories.
But I am loath to lose things, even useless, atrophied, testosterone-producing attachments. The cause of the fear is identified and seen as irrational, but it still exists.
My other fear is that of "what might come". That possible future where something causes me to reverse my transition, and by then I may have gone to far. I don't consider hormones in this (despite the fact that I am probably sterile for life now), but things like a breast enhancement or an orchiectomy which occur in a virtual moment and which are a step through a one-way door. Why have I not told my supervisor that I am TS? Because that is another Rubicon, which once crossed cannot be uncrossed.
In other news, Maddy (Soba) has had a very hard week at her work and in her personal life. I am trying to do what a good friend should do, and although I can let her know I am here and empathizing for her, I am mostly powerless to do much else.
In other news which reeks of how quickly time has flown, it is nearly my one year anniversary for starting my oestrogen intake. Technically I don't think things really started happening until I cut back my Androcur dose this year, but pointless reminders of things are what humanity likes, and since I celebrated New Year's Eve, I guess I'm no different.