The BBQ was nice, and so were Bridget's friends Amy and Claire. Although I was not aware of it at the time (but suspected it) Bridget had filled them in on my "status", and this is something which in retrospect I guess I have mixed feelings about. I'm trying to think why this was necessary, when the issue has virtually nothing to do with them. As a TS person, I don't want to have to wear my "Nobody knows I'm a transsexual" T-shirt everywhere I go. If I am as passable as many people tell me, then where are the lines drawn about who else should know apart from the people I have told directly. What about relatives of Bridget's friends? Again it's a matter of reducing me to a one-dimensional character with a single defining characteristic of being "The transsexual".
In addition "transsexual" is such a loaded word, conjuring up so many negative images and stereotypes that even well before my transition I was very hesitant about using it. I don't think it should be allowed to be the defining characteristic of anyone, any more than "survivor of child-abuse", "suffers from a mental illness" or any other strong emotive descriptor.
On a happier note, Sarah's visit definitely buoyed me up. After receiving no reply to my "coming-out" letter and having not seen her since the start of October 1999, I was afraid that I would cease to be her friend and never see her again. With Madeleine in the same city now, Sarah is the person who I see the least and miss the most, one of the last remaining ties to days of care-free youth at Hawkesbury. We all have to grow up someday, but that doesn't mean that we should lose what we once had.
1st October last year was officially the start of my estrogen regime. Now it's come full-circle. I say the "Official" start simply because I was on oral estrogens before this time. This is something I am only admitting to now, but about which I feel no remorse or shame. The Net provides many sources for buying hormones online, and I purchase my one-off box of Premarin (1.25 mg) from an off-shore company. This lasted about six weeks until I asked my Doctor to put me onto estrogen at the start of October.
Why? Equally why not? Hormone therapy is a cosmetic affair, softening the male form and physique to an approximation of the female form. I believe hormones should be cheaper and more easily available. I believe in taking responsibility for one's medical concerns rather than leave it to those who are unanswerable. In short, I think all TS people should "Doctor shop" if they believe this is what they want and they have thought it through. But most importantly, I wanted to know whether it "was for me". Quite simply, I didn't wish to have to convince a Doctor I was TS to get hormones if I was only to back-track later. The accused has confessed, we merely await the verdict of you the jury.
Today (Monday) I was leaving the lab when I was surprised by one of the Ph.D.'s from another group. I had my breast forms in, something I would normally only do on weekend's or public holidays of which today was one. Did it matter, not to me other than the initial scare of bumping into someone unexpectedly, and I can only guess that this is for him (like the rest of the Chemistry Department) merely another bread-crumb in the otherwise long list of clues and cues. Breast implants would be a nice way of maintaining consistency which is difficult to do in the communal living arrangement I am in. Perhaps it will be less of an issue when I eventually live by myself.
"Full-time" to most people, occurs when the game is over. On the other hand, to a very small segment of the population "Full-time" is something entirely different. Again the issue raises it's head. I got Ma'amed today whilst looking exactly the same way I do at the lab, according to Susan I got "she" at the gym where I felt I was looking very guy-like. As always it's a matter of confidence and consistency.
But am I already living there without having realized? I've never said "I'm now full-time" and yet it seems to have happened anyway. In reality the only issue of major importance left is the use of correct personal pro-nouns at work, something I am still considering how to approach. I guess I'm used to "declarations of intent", big changes in life-style and an accompanying orchestral fan-fare and the utter lack of drama is unsettling.
I know I've asked this question before, but it was the lack of an answer which causes me to ask again.