The time has long since passed when I forgot how I used to look, now I simply feel as if I have always looked this way though photos state otherwise. In the same vein, I have forgotten how I used to feel and why, though I know it also used to be different from now.
To this end I have been trawling my earliest writings to try and know why and how I used to feel. Right now I am in a "comfort-zone" and I ask myself "Why did I want to be this way?" "What compelled me to change the most basic facets of my existence?"
I think I'm falling into the trap of "Your life must be utterly miserable before you can consider the last resort of transition." I feel quite certain that if I hadn't made this decision now, I'd simply me making it in 20 years when the misery and frustration had reached a critical, perhaps even suicidal level. Of course the problem with nipping a potential problem in the bud lies the questions of 1) Would it have really been a problem? And 2) Maybe I might have been able to deal with it anyway.
I think that in situations like the one I am in, logic and thinking must be a equal or lesser partner to feelings. Logic would normally dictate "You should be happy being a guy and not want to be otherwise" but in this case logic fails. I know my internal desire is to be a girl, and the human psyche cannot be denied. Given the "blue pill/red pill" choice now, I would choose to become a girl without any uncertainty, two years ago I would have been much more hesitant.
I feel certain I will always have doubts and that I know I can probably never fully lay them to rest. As I lie on a stretcher about to be wheeled into the operating theatre many years from now, I will probably ask myself "Am I/have I made the right choice?" This however doesn't change the fact that years from now I will be wheeled in on a stretcher for surgery.