Most of this afternoon I've been wondering, Should I put my transition on hold? Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but I suppose it's something that was going to niggle it's way to the surface of my conscious eventually.
Trying to present as a woman I've got a lot of liabilities which can't be hidden. Being tall and big, having big hands and feet. I was never intending to go from male to transsexual, the point of being a transsexual is for me to be a gateway to womanhood. At the moment, my face isn't all that convincing, and apart from the continued need for electrolysis, I'm wondering whether I should hold onto the barely believable pretense of "boi-mode" until I can get a job and thereby afford the facial surgery that will help me present more convincingly as a woman.
I'm sure Mum would be thrilled that I've given up on the "silly idea" of me wanting to be a woman, but that's not true. I want to fully accepted as a woman, not someone who is just considered a woman out of politeness. Of course there in lies the crux of the problem. Persist with boi-mode in the hope of future salvation, or go with a twilight sometimes one thing, sometimes another life.
Of greater concern then purely my own feelings is that of employment. Employment records will start to accumulate and that may prove problematic. Also, failing to look like a convincing member of either gender as is currently the case, may be as bad as looking barely like a member of a single asserted gender.
At the moment I just do not know what I should do… maybe reel back my steps towards full-time?
I have a feeling that Thursday if my hair comes out really nice I will probably be a lot happier. It must have something to do with November, this time last year I was in the depths of depression over Roaccutane.