Something which is stirring thoughts within me is something that my friend Illara is currently facing. That is, the second stage of acceptance of herself as more than just a transsexual, but as a woman. I honestly don't know how I feel, I feel like me. I don't know what it means to be a "man", woman" or anything else. Of course the question this raises is if I didn't know what a woman was, then how did I know I wanted to be one?
Maybe I want to be seen and accepted as a woman, because that is more to my nature, and given that you "must" be either a man or a woman, I had to settle for that choice? Perhaps I'm 75% woman and 25% man and that was sufficient to decide it for me. I know some people who are perhaps 90% woman but have men's bodies, it doesn't make my issues any less valid, it simply makes them more desperate to change.
However, given that so far despite my up and down feelings, I do believe that at the moment I do "pass". This is extremely important, and improving one's "passing ratio" is essential, simply so that you can get by and survive day-to-day interactions. Given the fact that I pass, and the belief that I will within the next 6 to 12 months be completely full-time, this leads onto another issue; Stealth.
Most particularly I mean removing references to, pictures and writings from the internet. Fortunately I have always preferred to keep a low profile and haven't advertised my presence to the whole world. I don't want something that anyone can search for to come back and bite me on the ass. What does that mean for my diary page? It may disappear altogether, it may move to another distant location under a new name with little or no reference to my transgenderism, it may end up being password only, as yet I am not sure. The point is, that as profiles go, mine is going to get lower and lower.
8:45 pm - Just chatting on the phone to my parents. As usual it went Ok, but the real test will be when I get home in a few weeks time…
Today was social, the farewell for Sally the electrologist was on at Essen, and that was nice. At 12:30 I called Rob who had left a message on my answering machine on Thursday and we did brunch between 1pm and 3 pm and I admitted (in a roundabout way) that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I came home, I snoozed and much later (it was a very hot day) I woke up and sauntered over to the lab to check email.
The thought of not writing about being TS is almost as intriguing as the thought of not having to think or write my thesis. I guess one day I won't consider myself TS in the way I do today, simply because I will have moved beyond that.