Hi. You've decided to click on a link and read my story. This is real life.
Not something from a magazine, or a fairy tale. I didn't write it, or make it up. Sometimes, however,
I wonder if my life isn't from someone's imagination. Sometimes it gets too crazy to be real.
One day like that occured when I was 13. My best friend and I were insepparable,
always talking on the phone, gabbing about one thing or another. We talked about
school, mostly, and characters in a book she was writing. But, as teenagers do, we
talked a LOT about sex.
I don't really know how it came up, maybe we were discussing fantasies, or something,
but I told her that I really thought it would be cool to be with a girl. She kinda brushed it off,
but also kinda agreed. At that point, I thought nothing of her, or my sexuality, or any of that.
It was just something I wanted to do.
Well, as you can guess, we realized that we had feelings for each other. One day, I asked her out,
and another day, she said yes. We were together for a year and a half, or so. But for the first year, we
didn't tell anyone. I didn't even quite believe it myself. It wasn't until the end of our relationship
that it really hit me that I loved her and that she was a girl. This meant that I was bi, or gay. And it really
scared me.
I don't know why it scared me. My mother was always supportive of me, and she told me she would continue
to be so unless I killed someone. She said that if I were gay, I would still be her daughter. But I knew somehow that
it was wrong, just through society's portrayal and treatment of gays. I knew that I "shouldn't be" that
way.
It wasn't until recently, until a group called LIGALY,
(Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth)
came to my school that I realized that I could come out to people. My online friends that I'd made were very supportive, and I even
met a few lesbians and gays who shared their stories with me. They showed me that they lived through it. I finally gained enough
courage to call LIGALY. And then, I decided to attend a meeting.
I went to a group called Northern Lights, in Garden City. I met a bunch of nice people, and I re-met Neil, one of the two speakers who
had come to my school. We sat and talked, and I thought it was really great the way they welcomed me in. I went to a fuction a week or so later,
of bowling. I made a bunch of friends from going there. I now go to the Northern Lights meetings as often as I can, which is just about as often as
they are, once every two weeks.
This group also gave me the power to come out to my mom. I realized that they would stand behind me and give me support if my mom had (for
some strange reason) flipped out. She was really great about it, and now she's taking me to the the meetings. In fact, she's going to meetings
run by PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), which I may start attending as well.
My mother has been bugging me to tell him, and I finally said, "Fine, I'll tell him." So in the car (we were leaving a
restaraunt) I told him not to start the engine. And then I said, "I have something to tell you that's important, but it doesn't change anything. I'm still me, and
I guess you should know." He asked me if I was pregnant, and I replied, "No. And, I don't think I ever will be, because when I decide to get married, it won't
be to a guy." He then blinked and asked incredulously, "You're gay?" To which I replied, "Yep." And then my mother assured him I wasn't lying or joking with him.
He still doesn't understand, and he thinks that I'm young and I can "change my mind," but he told me that he "accepts my gayness" and that's that.
My brother is 13, and I haven't told him. I am almost positive that he knows, as he hangs out with some of my friends. Of course, brothers always know. ;)
All of my friends know, and so far I've
encountered only minimal problems with them. One of them doesn't like me talking about it, but she won't stop talking to me. Some of the kids at school
suspect, and they often times ask me. I never deny it, or affirm it, but they know better than to ask me twice.
I am not one of those men-bashing lesbians. Intellectually, men are great. I love talking with guys- they have many similar views on things that I do. They
are people, you know. (I love going to the mall or some place social with guys and talking about women that we see walk by!) And I can even find men cute or
attractive. When people hear that, they believe that I'm bisexual. They wonder "how I know" that I'm not just going through "a phase," or just haven't found the right
guy yet. And I tell them this: I just know. How do they know that they haven't found the right man or woman for them and they are in fact lesbian or gay?
I am a lesbian. For almost two years, I believed that I was bisexual. But it just never felt right, dating guys, kissing guys, saying that I had
a boyfriend. It was like acting. And it was very unnatural. I do not bash people who say that they are bisexual. I know a few bisexuals. All I know is that
I am not one of them.
If you have any questions about anything I've said, please, feel free to e-mail me. I would also be glad to answer any questions that ANYONE has,
either about being lesbian, or about coming out, or even parents who want to know how they should handle their children that have come out to them.
I'd also be glad to talk to any people about their own experiences. If you need support, I'm here!!! And, I'm still looking for Ms. Right.
(Are you her?)
