Lessons On Love Learned Hard
Even though this is the month of Valentine's Day, love and hope, there are cautions we must be heedful of in our lives. Too many of us succumb to society's twisted views of love and relationships taught through the media. We also learn how to have relationships through what we are taught by our parents and those elders around us as we grow up. Too many times we are taught wrong. We learn to tolerate situations and problems that should not be tolerable. Let's face it, Civil and Human Rights do not only apply to minorities or those on the present chopping block. It needs to start at home, but unfortunately the home is many times a place of horrors and atrocities that society has learned to accept.
Fortunately, in the last two decades we have come a long way in our intolerance of abuse in the home. Battered women's shelters and counseling centers have sprung up all over the country, accessible to all. Law enforcement and the medical and education fields have become more adept at identifying abuse. Some people do escape the vicious circle of abuse and rise above it to survive in life. Others never will. Always, those touched by abuse will have scars, inner and outer, which will take time to heal.
If you or someone you know is being abused please don't look the other way. They may not be open to your involvement, but at least, when they are ready to change they will remember you as one who saw through the veil and cared. Change has to come from within first, and it is not an easy road. Don't compromise your self-worth or your children's (because yes, they are watching and learning from you!) because you think that the abuser will change. I'm here to tell you that the lie that love changes all is just that; a big lie! Only you can change you. Don't believe the lie that you can change someone else. Don't waste your life or that of your loved ones waiting for someone to change. Statistics show that only 3 out of 100 abusers can and will be rehabilitated, and then only with intense treatment and counseling. Are you willing to play the odds with your life?
Get real; look in the mirror at a human being that deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, and answer honestly yes or no to the following list. If even one of these is true of your lover, you better reconsider the relationship. Many of these are true of people with addiction problems as well. But, if you answer yes to more than 5, you need help. Now.
1. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: comes on very strong, claiming they've never felt so close or loved like this before! An abuser pressures you for quick commitment.
2. JEALOUSY: excessively possessive, calls or visits unexpectedly to check on you, checks mileage on car and phone messages; very untrusting and fearful you might meet someone. Sometimes they will prevent you from working under the guise of staying home with the kids.
3. CONTROLLING: interrogates you (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps control of the finances; insists you let them know (or even ask permission) everywhere you go.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: expects you to be perfect and meet their every need. Tends to compare you to the media, TV or magazine personalities and criticize you if you don't measure up.
5. ISOLATION: tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of being 'troublemakers'; they may deprive you of phone or car to prevent you from holding a job. Everyone else is wrong and they are always right. They remind you that they have your best interests at heart and to trust them.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: it's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong. You will find yourself questioning how you could be responsible, yet they always have a way of making you believe them.
7. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FEELINGS: "You make me angry, you provoked me, you're hurting me," instead of "I'm angry, I'm hurting." Less obvious is the claim, "You make me happy."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: is easily insulted, claiming to be hurt when they are actually angry. They rant of injustice when they have their own very twisted sense of justice, with themselves at the center of it all.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability for their age. They may tease unmercilessly until the target cries. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. PLAYFUL USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: enjoys violent sex or will force you to do things against your will, and has no compassion if it causes you pain as long it is pleasurable to them. Their excuse is "other people do it."
11. VERBAL ABUSE: constantly criticizes, or says things blatantly cruel, hurtful or degrades, curses you or calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you to yell at you. They may put you down in public.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent or vice versa in a matter of minutes. Many abusers apologize profusely after battering; promising never to do it again; until next time.
14. PAST BATTERING: admits hitting people in the past, but says they made them do it or the situation brought it on. Justifies their abusive actions.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: makes statements like "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses it as if everybody talks like that, or they didn't really mean it. Especially if your lover has done this, you need to get out immediately.
Find yourself worthy of life. Don't settle for abuse in the guise of love. If you are being abused, you're not in love; you're in dependence on them. You have the strength to survive without them. Give yourself a chance. Love yourself first.
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All People Have Rights
This month we examine social attitudes. What's that?! I see it as how people look at one another, how we judge each other according to our social habits.
America is a melting pot, but this pot has remained divided over the years. Some prefer more spice in their stew, some more meat, others only vegetables, pasta instead of potatoes or rice. You get the point. But, even if we prefer it one way, is it wrong for others to want it different? No.
Maybe some of us need to be reminded just what kind of rights each and every human being on earth has. Maybe only the United States has adapted these into law, and is a poor example of upholding it, but everyone on earth is entitled to a few basic human rights. These are not privileges, and if you think they are, you need some social attitude adjustment. Somebody hold me back, because I'd like to oblige you!
Every man, woman and child, regardless of age, race, creed, financial status, or sexual preference has the right to:
………be treated with respect.
………have and express their own feelings.
………say "No" and not feel guilty.
………say "I don't know."
………feel and express anger.
………feel and express a healthy competitiveness and achievement drive.
………be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized.
………have their needs be as important as the needs of other people.
………make mistakes.
………do things that other people may not approve of.
………do less than they are humanly capable of doing without being called lazy or unmotivated or a failure.
………ask "Why?"
………ask for help or assistance.
………not have a preference.
………have and express their own opinions.
If you feel you have been treated unfairly by someone who has not respected one or more of these rights, you need to take action. Maybe your situation warrants no verbal comeback at the exact moment. Sometimes, it does no good and could endanger you.
Use your common sense. But, at least, tell yourself you deserve to be treated fairly. It's a good start. Do some self-talk in that mirror. Believe me, it gets easier. You can't expect others to respect your rights until you respect your own.
So, send love and light to yourself first. Treat your sweet spirit with kindness and others will follow.
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Bigotry is Deadly
Last month I spoke out about every person's rights. This month the focus is on bigotry. Bigotry, prejudice, whatever you want to call it, is one of the most hideous forms of abuse of other people's rights. Parents who practice hate and teach it to their children are guilty of child abuse. No, it usually isn't physical, but the scars go much deeper and last longer. One effect I'd like to expound on is suicide.
Yes, suicide is killing oneself, but most who commit it are already dead inside. It is a form of murder; murder of one's self-esteem, self-worth. Who murders them? Anyone who violates their human rights.
Let's look at some statistics from a study done by the Dept. of Health and Human Services in 1989. Remember, this is 1998, and the numbers are now much worse. Twenty-five to thirty percent of gay and lesbian youth attempt suicide, at least 3 times more likely than heterosexual youth. They are 2 to 6 times more likely to attempt suicide than all other youth, and account for up to 30 percent of all completed teen suicides. The majority of attempts were before age 20, and most of them before age 17.
Do you think times have changed? I graduated high school in 1975. I had a friend who struggled with sexuality and spirituality. His parents sent him to counselors, doctors and countless religious leaders to "cure" him. He was convinced, because of what other people said, that he was going to hell anyway, so he attempted suicide. He sang a song to me he wrote about a boy sitting in hell after suicide trying to warn others not to do what he had done. Unfortunately, my friend's second attempt was successful.
I kept the song and want to share it with you. I hope this helps some parents and friends who struggle with how to deal with someone they know who is gay or lesbian. I remember his parents. They were strict churchgoers, but they openly discussed "hating" Blacks, Jew, Catholics, Indians, Orientals and Homosexuals, anyone who wasn't "just like us, good honest Americans." They were bigots. I will not print the boys name, not out of honor for them, but for my friend. He tried to make peace with God and his parents. His parents never accepted his pleas for forgiveness or his forgiveness of them. They are gone now, too. I wonder where they all are. May they have peace.
SUICIDE IS FOREVER
Name withheld, @Xartania 1998
Forever, that's how love's supposed to be - I saw You & me together always. Always, forever.
Forever, You waited oh so patiently - You were going to set me free. Always, forever.
Forever, You were always by my side - no matter how I tried to hide. Always, forever.
You said, You'd love me unconditionally - How can life not go on for free? Always, forever.
I wanted life my way. I wanted them to pay the price of love that was so wrong.
Now, I sit all alone. Painful love is all I've ever known. Always, now forever.
Forever, they had their control of me - I couldn't stand eternity with them, forever.
Their love, was not a love like Yours - I didn't want to see before, but life is forever.
Dying, it took their control away - My life, Your gift, I didn't see it that way. Suicide's forever.
Eternally, I know that I will always see - the decision was really up to me. Then & forever.
Times were not that bad. All the chances I had, I let them slip away.
If I had only known, my soul was mine to own. You would not choose for me.
Forever, I thought that I would make them pay - I thought it was the only way. Now I'm gone forever.
In hell, now I will always be alone - No hope of You to take me Home. I shut You out forever.
Always, You gave all You had to give - that I might forever live, in peace with You forever.
Now, I wouldn't be so all alone - if I had given my soul to You. Suicide is forever.
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HUMANITY OF MOTHERHOOD
When I sat down to write about Mother's Day I realized not everyone has a pleasant feeling towards their mother. I admit I haven't always had positive feelings toward my mother either, until one particularly rough parenting point in my life. I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl. I began to see that even though I felt I had raised my children differently and worked hard not to be like my mother in some aspects, I had become my mother. Some people think this is the ultimate horror. I discovered it was not. Actually, it was the greatest thing that could have happened. My children are old enough to make some decisions on their own and need less guidance than before. What they learned in early childhood is now affecting their decisions and outcomes. I can't make much change in their lives at this point. But, I make the profound change. I now know my mother is not a god, does not belong on a pedestal of perfection as I had believed her to be for so long. Why? Because I am where she was, with all my faults and misgivings and mistakes.
So why do we put our mothers on a throne? True, there is a big return to worship of a female deity; after all, how can we expect a male god to have the female qualities of nurturing, kindness and sacrifice? Think about it. We expect our mothers to be perfect, and when they're not, watch out!
Are mothers human? Yes. Are mothers given special training automatically when they become pregnant? No. Do women just know somehow what to do in any given situation? No.
How does a mother learn to be a mother? Part of it is instinct. We are mammals and nature has provided some hormones to cause maternal feelings and action. We also learn from other females around us within the family unit. If we don't have family to learn from we learn from outside through personal or academic instruction. And the biggest way we learn is through trial and error.
Either way, we still expect our mothers to be perfect. It has been proven that children separated from the worst of mothers desire to return. We're born with a dependence on her.
As we get older, maybe after having children of our own, or when we reach the point in our lives when we begin to deal with our own problems, human nature kicks in again. Only humans do something no other animal does - we blame others for our problems. Most of the time we end up twisting it around to our mothers. Look at Freud's work!
OK, some mothers are good, some bad, some did the best with what they had at the time, some didn't. Look at it this way: we consider the Earth our universal Mother. She is not always kind to us and even though She provides for us, we have to do some of the work. We also have to nurture and take care of Her. Should we not do the same for our human mothers? Why can we not accept them as they are, even with faults?
Have I given you enough to think about? I hope so, but not in a bad way. We all have to grow and change. That's part of what Mother's Day is all about. it is spring, the time our Mother Earth brings forth life and growth. It doesn't have to be all from the ground, let it work inside you. This Mother's Day realize your life is your own. Be responsible for yourself, and find a place in your deepest being to understand your mother. Tell her thank you for something - no matter how small or insignificant you think it may be. Remember that she did give you the greatest gift - Life - and it's up to you to use it in the best way. Accept the blessing and the challenge. Let us bring blessings back to all our mothers this spring!
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FISHING WITH DAD
don't remember the first time I went fishing. I was pretty young. We used to go out to the Missouri behind my Uncle Roy's farm. There was a good sandbar there and a big rock pylon that jutted out into the water. I had no fear of those rocks, or the gar my dad used to cut off my line, or the snakes he'd stomp on or cut the heads off when they came too close. We'd catch 'bugle-mouth bass' and take them home to cook. We also went to a small lake outside Dakota City with friends. They'd drink Salty Dogs and we'd fish all day.
When I was in high school, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He was vice-president of a lumber company in Omaha. My second year of college, my parents announced they were buying a fishing resort in Alexandria, Minnesota. I spent the first summer there with them, and my dad lived 6 more years in bliss. He had everything he wanted: cabins to fix, motors to repair and people to help. He didn't do much fishing except in the evening. He and I would park ourselves on the old church pew on the point and fish for bullheads. The lake was clean and the bullheads were good eating until late July. He taught me everything I know about fishing: how to string a line, how to bait the hook (even with leaches!), how to cast, to wait until the moment was just right to set the hook and reel in a fish, how to remove the hook from those fish that swallowed them, how to clean and fillet even the smallest fish like sunnies and crappies and finally how to cook them with the finest beer batter on earth.
I made friends with the chipmunks, red squirrels and even the garter snakes and turtles that lived there with us. The only time I got upset was when George, my favorite garter snake tried to go in the back door of the lodge. Dad took a shovel to him. He said, "It's Ok for him to sun himself on the concrete outside, but he kept trying to get in. He just wouldn't listen. I had to. I'm sorry." I understood, he was only trying to protect as he always did. I didn't know how much he cared for all God's creatures until Mom told me this year how he took over my job of playing with and feeding those chipmunks, squirrels, snakes and turltes. She said it was odd to see a 6'4" , 230 lb man sitting on the step of the lodge with a chipmunk in his lap, talking to it.
At the end of that summer, I moved to Washington, DC with my sister, met my husband and married. We did some ocean fishing along the coast, but not much. It wasn't the same. My husband was charming but cruel and I descended into a private hell over the next 6 years. When my dad was in the hospital towards the end, my husband allowed my to go to Minnesota to visit. I was 5 months pregnant with my son, Charlie. I had the night vigil with Dad so the others could sleep. He didn't know night from day so we had long talks. He felt Charlie kick his hand, and I told him my children would miss a great grandpa. He gave me his blessing and cried when he said he wouldn't be here to take them fishing.
I've been back to the resort twice since then. Once at the funeral and four years ago, when I took my kids there for a week of fishing. I cried the whole time. I felt part of his spirit there. Now, we go fishing at the Missouri and around here when we can. I couldn't explain why fishing was a spiritual experience to me, until I had my aura picture taken this year. The photographer explained there were two spirit guides standing over my shoulders, protecting me. I knew one was my Mom's mom, Grandma Madison, because she promised me she'd watch over me when she died. The other was my dad.
I lost my sense of safety and protection long ago during my horrific marriage. Not until last year did I start feeling a sense of peace in my life. Many things have changed. I now feel responsible for myself and my children and our destinies. I feel safe again. Now that we've started fishing again, I understand just the role my dad played in my life and still does. He was my protector. My kids' dad didn't fill that role and they were raised without a dad. I see the hole in their lives because of it. But, I still don't regret removing them from the danger their father provided us. I miss my dad and the grandpa he would have been to my kids. Being a single parent has been rough, but now I know I've had help. Now I know where that strength came from all these years. I just didn't see it.
This Father's Day, take time to think about how you've been watched over and protected, if not by your earthly father, then your heavenly one. The Earth Mother nurtures and provides for us, but our Father watches over us and protects us, holds us in His arms when we need it most. Let Him do His job in your life, and try fishing.
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