Confessions of a Transgender
originally posted on Signel
When I was as young as 8, I used to be envious of those girls who manages to capture the attention of so many virile men. And I wish often that I was one of the girls, because at that age I knew nothing of what gay is and I thought that a man is only interested in women.
So I would pluck my eyebrow, wear make-up when I go up (ie. application of Taiwan made Rogue) and walk in a feminine way, and shake my hips vigorously. I would even speak in affected female tone and flirt with the men as if I were a woman.
Often, they would call me an 'ah qua' and I took it as a compliment meaning that I have some semblance to a woman. And it was indeed a compliment to me when they took a sexual interest in me. Because I felt I was to be liked only as a woman, so I exclusively indulge in anal sex. In this way, I lived in the delusion that I was a woman with a vagina being fucked by a man. Very often, I would never let them touched my dick and was usually embarrassed that it was erected and large. So I never hugged the men face to face, but always stripped for them and immediately offered my anus to them.
I told myself that when I finished NS that I would work and save up for a sex-change. I never saw myself as a gay, but a woman trapped in a man's body. Being fucked by men really make felt like a real woman, and in retrospect of having fucked a woman before(albeit 15 years later), the copulation sensation is almost the same.
However, after the NS, I never did have a sex-change but three of my school mates did. Instead, as I became more aware of the flourishment of gay culture, I then realised that I can be sexually attractive to men as a man. Soon I was gradually not ashamed of my dick and allowed other men to touch it and performed oral sex on me. Looking back, I am glad that I did not undergo sex-change as my 3 friends did. Nonetheless, I enjoyed being treated like a woman by the many men including those in NS. We were literally treated like 'queens' and given special privileges esp. when we were in the army. I really believed that I was a trans-gender then. Afterwhich for a brief spell I turned straight and now I am back to true blue gay life. But if I have feminine features which my friends were endowed with, I might have been motivated knowing that I would look beautiful as a woman.
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