Before you come out to your parents, there are some preparations you should make and things to be aware of so that the process is as successful as possible in the long run. (these tips have been guided mainly by "Coming Out to Parents" by Mary V. Borhek, as well as personal experience and collected readings from various other sources)
Click here to return to the guide for parents
Click here to return to the main guide
Click here to return to the main Project Q page
Do not expect much from hinting
If you have been dropping hints during your everyday life, leaving gay books, magazines around, for example, or bringing up the topic in conversation, do not be surprised if your parents are just as shocked when you come out. Parents have an incredible capacity for misunderstanding hints, especially with regards to being gay, especially in Singapore (remember, some people don't even think we exist, and few people bother to say otherwise on a regular basis).
Be prepared to do some explaining and talk it out
When you come out to your parents, you will have had quite a bit of time and put a lot of thought into it. Your parents, on the other hand, are likely to be absolutely unprepared for this news. They will probably not know very much about homosexuality. You have to be prepared to act as their "guide" in a sort of parent-child role-reversal, in the world of your sexuality, which is foreign to them.
Your parents will probably experience intense grief, which may be expressed as anger ("Don't be stupid!"), hurt ("Why are you doing this to us?"), guilt ("What did we do wrong?") fear ("Homosexuals are bad people, don't associate with them!") or disbelief ("You can't be queer!"). You should not react in a defensive manner, but rather, calmly explain your position and provide as much accurate information as you can, to dispel their misunderstandings.
It is important that you are secure enough in your sexuality to discuss it openly and honestly. You don't have to tell them every detail of your sexual life, but be prepared to discuss long term plans if you have any, your personal safety and so on. If you know anyone else in your family or your parents' circle of friends who will talk openly and positively about sexuality, you may want to ask your parents to speak to them as well. It is best not to introduce your parents to a stranger, even a professional therapist or counsellor unless you are absolutely sure they won't react by regarding her as "on your side".
It is important to roleplay or act out the possible coming out scenario either alone or with a friend (preferably a friend who has had a coming out experience of his or her own, and has not been scarred by the experience) beforehand. What are you going to say? Try speaking the words, or writing them down. Does it feel forced? Do you sound afraid, guilty? If you are confident in your presentation, your parents will not see homosexuality as something you are ashamed or uncertain of yourself.
Remember to remind your parents and yourself why you are coming out. Homosexuality is an important part of your identity, you love your parents, you don't want to lie to them.
Do not skirt around the topic for a long time, giving the impression that you are about to say something awful.
Imagine the questions your parents might ask, or even accusations or false impressions they may have. Try to imagine your own responses not as sarcastic or angry retorts, but as confident, understanding and clear. Your parents are not the enemy. At the same time, you should not lie or hide truths about the gay world or your own life to make it seem rosier or meet your parents expectations. There is pressure here to be "filial", which translates in real life into living up to unrealistic or impossible expectations. Do not try to give them false hope by discussing things you never plan to do, like get married anyway, or have children anyway, or try to change your sexuality.
Other than the content of your coming out discussion, the setting is also very important.
Do not tell your parents in a public place or in front of their friends, when they cannot react privately. You may add to their feelings of anger and betrayal if they feel you humiliated them so suddenly and severely.
Pick a quiet, private place, and a time when none of you has anything to rush off to do to come out. Remember to consider who else might be there. Do you want to come out to brothers and sisters at the same time? Do not come out during big events like Chinese New Year or Christmas gatherings, because the excitable mood might lead to more severe reactions (also, if parents remember your coming out as interrupting what was a happy day for them, it may remain a nasty experience to them which they will associate with your being gay for a long time).
Obviously, do not come out when your parents are going through a major crisis of some sort, like a death of a relative or loss of money, property etc. Do not plan to come out just before your parents or you go to bed, in your tiredness, you or your parents may be careless with words, or your may cause your parents great difficulty in getting to sleep (again, an unpleasantness to avoid).
Dealing with your parents' responses
As mentioned earlier, your parents will go through a range of emotions when you come out to them. Do not try to deny them these feelings, or tell them that they are wrong or stupid to feel that way. Be considerate, tell them that you understand why they are having these feelings, but that you can explain why they should eventually come to terms with your sexuality and be happy. Tell them not to blame themselves, or anyone else, because it homosexuality is nobody's "fault", and is not wrong or necessarily bad.
If your parents seem not to react at all, and say nothing, they may be in denial. Try to gently get them to discuss their feelings with you. Do not get them engaged in a discussion of sexuality if they do not want to. It is their feelings that are most important in the immediate moment. If they do want to discuss sexuality, remember to discuss and not to argue. Brief, factual unemotional statements are better than heated denials. "A lesbian and gay lifestyle does not have to be promiscuous" will be remembered better than, "Are you accusing me of sleeping around?!".
Sum up the tone of the encounter briefly. "You seem quite upset. I was quite upset a few years ago when I first realised I was gay. Maybe we should talk again when you have had time to think." for example. Always leave open the option of further discussion at a later time. Remind them again of the reasons you have decided to come out, and emphasize that you love them, hug and kiss if they are comfortable with it.
After coming out, if your parents continue to treat you as a stranger or an "untouchable", remember to take care of your own emotional well-being. Mention this behaviour to them, and tell them that it hurts you. Do not frame it as an accusation, but rather in terms of your own feelings. "I feel hurt when..." rather than "You should stop doing..." This will remind your parents that even though they are going through negative emotions of their own, they should not take it all out on you.
Alternative methods of coming out (Phone, Letter or proxy)
So far this page has referred primarily to face to face coming out. There are many reasons this may not be appropriate for you. You may not be prepared to face their reactions immediately, or you may not be secure enough in your sexuality to deal with their questions. If this is the case, it would be best to postpone coming out until you are ready if possible.
There may be very good reasons for coming out by phone, letter or proxy (through someone else). You may be in another country, and have to get the information to them immediately, perhaps to prevent them getting it in a hurtful or negative way from someone else, or even the media.
Phone
On the phone, you have the advantage of being able to respond immediately to your parents concerns. You also have the advantage of being out of sight, so you can possibly better control your emotions, or how you show them. A phone conversation also allows you to have a script in front of you so you don't miss out on any points or lose your train of thought.
The disadvantage is that you cannot see how your parents are reacting and have to guess at it by their voice. A phone is also obviously awkward for coming out to more than one parent due to the nature of conventional phone conversations (one-to-one, rather than two-to-one).
Letter
With a letter, you get to choose exactly the right words, and to tell your side of the story without interruption, so you don't slip into incoherence. If you have trouble performing under stress, or your parents are very imposing people, this may be the method for you.
However, sending a letter sends the unspoken message that being gay is something you are so afraid or ashamed of that you can't face your parents and tell them yourself. After writing the letter, put it away for a few days then read it again. Make sure you don't sound angry, or defensive, or too timid, or apologetic. Cut out any nervous jokes or sarcasm. This is not the time for humour or venting negative emotions. Also remember all the tips for coming out face to face, tell them why you're coming out in a letter and not in person and so on. Let them know that you will talk about it at some time in the near future, maybe on the phone, or in person if you can get to them.
Proxy
If you get someone else to tell your parents you are gay, make sure it is somebody your parents know and trust. A sibling, for example, or a teacher. Give her a briefing before hand so she knows what you want and don't want said, and get her to prepare, either with this page, or some other resource so she is informed. You may want to also write a letter to be given to your parents, or get them to phone you after they have been told.
Many queer people think of the worst case scenario when they come out, that is, being thrown out or disowned. The actual incidence of this in Singapore, from anecdotal evidence, is very very low. However, it is best if you are prepared, at least have a place to stay for a few nights after you come out. If you are thrown out, call or visit your parents a few days later, they will often be feeling regret after having thought the matter through, and then you can discuss things properly, including your future relationship with them.
You must be prepared to deal with a certain amount of rejection, even if it is only from the initial shock of your coming out. Grief reactions can last for a long time, around a year. Try to discuss these feelings with your parents or friends, and not to keep them inside, trying to keep a brave face for your parents. At the same time, remember that any guilt or shame you feel is not because of your sexuality, but just a reaction to your parents' rejection, a powerful emotional trigger from your childhood.
Also remember that since your parents have loved you since you were young, if they seem to reject you when you come out, it is not really you they are rejecting, but this strange and foreign "homosexuality" you have introduced to them. If you have been disastrously rejected, ask yourself if you can forgive them enough to try to tell them again that you love them? Do you want to? Do they really want you back or do they just want to vent their anger on you? Are you only returning so that you can be "scolded" for being a bad child?
What will be the relationship between you and your parents be like after coming out?
You may have to settle for a limited relationship. Often this is due to deeper problems, perhaps even unresolvable problems, unrelated to being gay, but brought to the surface by this crisis of coming out. This is more the case for older children who have a large degree of independence and so can actually have a reasonably healthy limited relationship with their parents.
Sometimes, reasons for coming out may not be entirely loving. You may feel resentment towards your parents for not knowing you are gay, or for treating you in a certain way due to their ignorance. From your point of view it is wrong that they assumed you were and treated you like a heterosexual child, it is wrong that they put a certain amount of pressure on you by this assumption. On the other hand, is there any way they could have known better? The society our parents grew up in was very much the straightlaced colonial Victorian society inherited from the British at the turn of the century. Homosexuality was bad or just invisible.
This resentment may be unconscious or hidden, but will show itself in certain ways in your relationship with your parents. Are you constantly irritated by them, hostile, sarcastic, adversarial? It is best if you can to deal with these resentful feelings before coming out, so that they don't come to the surface in the heat of the emotional event itself.
I've already come out, and it was bad.
If you have come out in an irresponsible or hurtful way, it is not too late to apologise to your parents and try to undo the damage by talking it through. Explain that you came out in that manner because you were afraid of their reaction, or you had some resentment that you had not dealt with or were not aware of at the time, and ask for their understanding and forgiveness.
If on the other hand, you have come out in a reasonable humane way, but your parents are reacting negatively, give it time. What is most important is not the immediate reaction, but the process of coming to terms with homosexuality. You can eventually make your parents see that all of you have been deceived by society's wrongheaded and bigoted views about homosexuality, and that you are not the enemy.