I then found out that I was in the same group as him… so I decided that I would try to make friends with him as soon as possible, and get to know him. The more I got to know him, the more I fell in love with him. I say love, but at the time, I really just fancied him. I got on with him really well, and we soon became quite good friends.

In the next few weeks, I started to fall in love with him. Not only was he attractive, but he had a great sense of humour, and a wonderful personality. I wanted him to know how I felt about him, and I wanted to know if he felt the same way about me. I didn’t want to just come out and say it, because I was too nervous about what he might think if he wasn’t gay. I hoped that he was gay, and also loved me; as I could see myself living with this person for the rest of my life.

I wanted to know his views on homosexuality to see if he was gay, but not have to ask him straight out. I tried to do this by acting to him now and again as if I was gay (sexual innuendoes etc.) - as if he was totally against homosexuality, I would not of committed myself… I could say it was just a bit of a joke. He played along with this. I didn’t know if this joke between the both of us meant more to him than just a joke - as it did to me. I decided that the only way I would find out for sure was to tell him that I was gay, and if he was, he probably would tell me.

One evening, I went around his house, and told him that I had something very important to me that I wanted to tell him. I told him how important it was to not tell anybody else, and try not to change his views on me too much. I made sure he promised that he would not tell anybody else before I went any further - for my personal safety. I just came out and said "I’m gay". The first thing he said was "Really?". He was very shocked at first, but hid it well.

For about the next few hours after I came out to him, we talked about it, and he asked me a few questions. I was expecting him to say that he was also gay - but it didn’t come. I needed to know, so I just came out and asked him if he was gay. He said no. I felt really bad, as he couldn’t love me like I love him. It took me a while to accept that he couldn’t love me, but in the end, I know that it is out of my control.

It is now two years and three months since I first met him, and about seven months since I last saw him. I still think about him a lot, and I still love him. I was completely obsessed by him, and for a long time, he was the only person I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I am sure that if he felt the same way towards me, we would be very happy spending the rest of our lives together, but that’s life!

As I mentioned in one of my other pages, I have had counselling to help me accept myself as a gay person. I used to talk a lot with my counsellor about him, as a lot of what I felt was to do with him.

What I would say after hearing other people’s experiences with falling in love with somebody who you do not know is gay, is to be careful, and not jump in the deep end. Try to get their views about homosexuality before you decide to come out to them. Often, when a gay person tells a non gay person they love them, it can make things very difficult.

I have spoken to a lot of gay people, and they have all told me that they all remember their first love at school or college - where they wanted to know if the person they loved was also gay. I would be interested to hear of any other stories, or if people are interested in their story being published on this page, please just mail me (address on main page).

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