I think my first real crush was back in grade 5. I remember really liking this girl named Ailesha who was the pitcher on my baseball team. There wasn't really much to it, since I was so young, but I just really took to her. My crushes got more intense once highschool rolled around. There was this one girl named Sarah who absolutely sent shivers up and down my spine when she was near. I was lucky because not only was she in my school but we both played on the school baseball team as well as both my houseleague and all-star teams. Like Ailesha, she was a pitcher, and I was her catcher. I remember even going so far as to call time outs during games when her pitching was off just so that I could walk out to the mound to give her a "confidence boost" for her game. *rolls eyes* But of course I just really wanted to be close to her.
I lusted after Sarah for four years in highschool. During class changes I remember leaving my classroom on the third floor and even though my next class was on the same floor I would purposely go down to the second level just to walk past her locker knowing she'd be there and I could manage a quick "hello". To this day, I'm sure she doesn't have a clue as to the fantasies and heartache I felt back then surrounding her.
Now you'd think that a girl who felt like this for another girl would have some idea that she was gay. *haha* No...that would have been much too easy for me, and lord knows I always do things the hard way. I do remember being uncomfortable when mom was teaching me the Facts of Life when I was 11 and we came upon the chapter on Homosexuality. I think I laughed nervously and said that I thought that was wierd, and mom then asked me why I would think that. For some reason I can also remember the first time I heared the word "fag". Some kid in my grade school playground yelled it out to another student. Even though the exchange had absolutely nothing to do with me, it totally stands out in my mind as if subconsciously I already knew and I was only in grade three.
But when I was in highschool and totally crushing on Sarah, I think that I blocked out any thoughts on being gay because I was able to justify my feelings based on something I had read or heared somewhere way back then that mentioned that "It is 'normal' to have same-sex crushes up to or around the age of 16". I wish I knew what the source was, but either way it kept me sane during those volatile years.
But then age 16 came and went, and still I was attracted to girls. I did date a few guys during highschool and for the most part enjoyed the excitement of the relationships but something was missing. During my final year of highschool I began desperately to try to figure myself out. I had this overwhelming urge to find out exactly what made me tick. I made lists and lists of my likes and dislikes...my favourite things...my future needs and wants. No where on those lists was there any mention of girls or love interests...future marriage plans or family. It's as if I was avoiding the one true answer that I was subconsiously searching for.
In those few months between highschool and college, and to this day I'm not sure exactly how or when I figured it out, but I came to the realization that yes - I was indeed gay, I began to find myself using alcholol and minor drugs as a shield...one in which when I was drunk or stoned I was "allowed" to truly be myself *rolls eyes*, flirt and try to act sexual or be forward with all of my female friends. And when I sobered up and was questioned about my actions I could blame it on being drunk. Believe me, this is not the best way to handle things nor will it ever make you happy.
Everything seemed to change during my first year of college. Ironically, fate began the moment I first went for college orientation two weeks before school began. You see, unbenounced to me at the time...the first person that I ever talked to on school property was this girl named Heather who walked up to me and asked me where the orientation for media was going to be held. Little did I know that although I wouldn't see her again or know her for another seven months, she would eventually be my first girlfriend. *smile* Another odd twist is that during my first class on my first day I sat behind this guy named Doug who very quickly made it clear that he was flamboyantly gay and damn proud of it. He became my hero from the first moment I saw him. You see, up until that moment I had never actually known anyone who was gay (that I knew of anyway) or ever dreamed that someone would actually be proud to be gay. I quickly became his friend and was always intrigued by his stories of all the gay bars that he went to and gay friends he had. Ever so slowly I was creeping into Doug's world. In hindsight, I'm sure his "gaydar" was giving off a clear reading that I was gay, but back then I still felt safe in my little closet.
One day Doug announced to a few of us at school, that he was going to appear on a new Canadian talk show that would be airing in the New Year called Camilla Scott, for a show entitled "I know you're gay, but why do you have to act so flamboyant!". He wanted all of us to support him in the audience during the taping. So a few weeks later we made the trek to Scarbourough for the show. Little did I know that that one show would ultimately be my first baby step out of my dark cramped closet. Even though I was just an audience member I must have stood up and made about five different comments in support of the gay community - all on national television! During the two months between when the show was taped and when it would air, I was a nervous wreck. But still, when friends of mine would make comments against gay people I was still the first to jump in and argue. Of course this made them more suspisious of me but I would then reply that I'm an Aquarious...a humanitarian...against all forms of prejudice. That quieted them down for a while. But I digress...
January 15, 1996 is the official day that I jumped out of my closet and finally began to be ME. That is the day that the Camilla Scott show first aired. I watched it with my best friend Nicole. After it was done, we sat around and I somehow managed to tell her that I was gay. I actually told her that I was bisexual and stuck with that story for a few years, though I am a lesbian through and through. Somehow I guess I figured that that 'news' would be easier than hearing that I was a full-fledged lesbian. I also think that it was easier to lie to myself as well.
So how did Nicole take my 'news'? *hehee* She didn't seem too shocked, and I believe her actual words were "I kind of had a feeling". She also made it clear that my sexuality made no difference to her. I left Nic's house feeling somewhat lighter. What am I saying? I felt a hell of a lot lighter...and free-er! Nicole became everything to me after that. Her acceptance of me gave me the confidence to tell other close friends. Her support during my weak moments gave me the strength to ever-so-slowly become the 'me' that I was born to be. I urge anyone out there who has not yet told a soul about their sexuality, to plan and choose carefully who you want your first confidant to be. I am sure that had Nicole turned her back on me when I told her, my life would be much different today.
A month later, fate again stepped in to my life. I was sitting in the college computer lab when the girl next to me asked me how to print something. I leaned over to show her and the words on her screen caught my eye. After quickly scanning the screen, I looked down. She thanked me and went to get her print-out. While she was gone, I again read the words on the screen: Humber College Lesbian Gay Transgendered Club - first meeting.
My heart was racing all day. As soon as I got home, I called Nicole and told her. She urged me to go to that meeting..to join the club so that I wouldn't feel so isolated. Well, I did and I was nervous as hell. It took all the strength and courage I had to walk through the clubroom door. It turns out that that girl, Julia, that I helped in the computer lab was the club President. She immediately took me under her wing. For the next few weeks I went to every meeting except one, missing it because my parents needed me to babysit and there's no way in hell I was going to tell them that I couldn't because of a gay club meeting!
On February 21, I sat in the computer lab chatting away in a chatroom with Nicole who was at home. I had an hour to kill before Julia and the rest of the club members and I were going to head downtown Toronto to the gay village - that wonderfully mysterious place that Doug had always talked about, and I had never dared venture. I was having a flee-or-fight moment, wanting to just forget the whole thing and go home. On the computer, Nicole was urging me to go...that it would be a good experience for me...that I would regret it if I didn't. She seemed to have some type of power over me, so of course I agreed that I would go to the gay village. For some extra courage, I tucked away a mickey of vodka to help me get through the night and the anxiety I was feeling. Well, I was LOOPED when we finally arrived on Church Street (the gay village). That didn't stop me from having a good time, though. Our first stop was Second Cup (the steps) which is considered the premier meeting spot for the gay community. They had a jukebox back then so I`played some Janis Joplin tunes to further help calm my nerves. Then the moment I had been dreading...we were off to a bar (having just turned 19 a week earlier, I had never been to one). And the fact that it was a lesbian bar (Tango's,the original location on Gloucester street) didn't make it any easier. Once inside, I was in awe of all the women who looked like me! Short hair everywhere! Julia bought me a couple of shots while we were there to help celebrate my coming of age into the gay world. Coming of age!?! That night would change my life forever!
At 11:45 a girl approached me. Now remember, I was very very drunk that night so much of the rest of this part of the story is a blur. Somehow I experienced my first female kiss...my first female dance partner... my first female make-out session...my first female to female hand holding...and my first moment hearing a girl say 'call me' followed by a kiss as she handed me her phone number. That girl was Heather, who reminded me that it was her that had met me during school orientation 7 months earlier and had asked me where the gym was. She told me that she knew I was a lesbian when she first saw me seven months earlier, but was taken back when I didn't pick up on her flirting. *sigh* But again, a lot had happened in my life since I was that shy closeted girl during the first day of school.
First thing I did the next day when I woke up was call...not Heather, but Nicole to tell her that I had kissed a girl! She was ecstatic! Then after sitting in front of my phone contemplating for what seemed like forever, I finally got up the nerve to call Heather. We ended up talking for hours about everything under the sun. She finished up by inviting me to go to another lesbian bar that night. This is the point where I knew that my friends were cool with my sexuality - because five of them (all straight) agreed to go with me to Toronto to meet Heather at a lesbian bar called SHE. That night Heather and I officially became a couple...and ended up dating for two years. How ironic is that!?! Meeting my first girlfriend on the first night that I ever went to a bar, much less a lesbian bar, and my first time to the gay village and to have it last for two years!!??!! It still blows my mind to this day. I used to think that I was the luckiest person in the world to have met someone on my first try, but in hindsight I see that it could never have worked out between us since I still had a lot of exploring to do as far as dating was concerned.
A week to the day that we met, Heather and I slept together. It was wonderful, though I know that I was completely awkward and nervous. Later that night I returned home. As I walked in the door, I saw that my parents were still up. My mother called to me telling me that they had something that they had to talk to me about. I started to walk down the hall towards them, when mom said "Lauren, we know you've been dealing with something for a very long time...". I stopped dead in my tracks, because I knew what was to follow. I turned around and began to sob...crumbling to the ground. Immediately, both mom and dad were with me... holding me...telling me that no matter what, they will always love me. It turns out that for half a year, my parents had been monitoring me because they thought that I was suicidal after having found some dark poems that I had written in the fall (which can be found on my poetry page) and watching me struggle for so long. That particular day, though, mom had found a love letter that Heather had just given me. That is how my parents found out that I was gay. We sat up for three hours and talked about the 'secret' that I had been keeping for my entire life. That night my parents met the REAL me. That night, I felt closer to my parents than I ever had before. Unlike the freeness that I felt when I told Nicole, I went to bed that night and knew...just knew that everything would be okay...that I wasn't doing anything wrong...that being gay was a part of who I was and something to be proud of.
Since coming 'out' I was appointed the President of the same LGB club at Humber College that helped me out. I've appeared on numerous documentaries and been interviewed in many articles related to gay/lesbian issues. I've appeared on the Canadian youth talk show Jonovision for their show about gay teens. I've written many gay themed articles for my college paper and helped out with many gay organizations. I've dated many many women...screwed up many relationships...been heartbroken and broken more hearts than I can count...dealt with many homophobes along the way...needed support and given support...come out to my entire family...classmates...co-workers. I've done a lot. I've cried a lot. I've grown a lot.
Now I know that this story is very long, but then again the road one travels to get out of the closet is much longer. I am still travelling that path. Everytime I meet someone new, I have to wonder if it is safe to talk about my girlfriend the way that they easily talk about their partners. Everytime I walk down the street with my girlfriend, I have to wonder if it is safe to hold her hand or will someone that dissagrees with our sexuality try to hurt us. Everytime I hand out a resume, I have to wonder if I should delete the part that talks about my Presidency with the Lesbian Gay Bixexual club because a potential employer might be prejudice. I take it all in stride, but sometimes the pressure of always being 'different' can still bring me to tears. The only solace I have is knowing that day by day things are getting better. Laws are changing in our favour...views are broadening...global acceptance is slow but attainable now.
Although, I'm not necessarily standing on my soapbox anymore and shouting out that I am gay (because there really is more to me than that), I am happy to say that I have permenantly nailed my closet door shut!
This is me, world...love me or leave me alone.
I AM WHO I AM, AND I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT! *smile*
