My Diary...

I find writing to be completely therepeutic, which is why much of the content that can be found on my website is so very personal. As personal as it all is, there are still many many things that I have left out over the years...so although many of you come away with a really good understanding of WHO I am, you still do not have the entire picture. Of course I don't believe that anyone ever divulges EVERYTHING (even to their closest friends much less complete strangers!) but I am going to divulge as much as I can here. As things happen and I need to vent or share...laugh or cry...you will find the story here. This is not meant for entertainment, rather I am creating this page as an emotional outlet for me and hopefully a resource for people out there who may be going down the same path. Thanks for listening...

DEAR DIARY: I Survived 2001!

September 12, 2002.
Sorry that I haven't been keeping up my diary (let alone my homepage lately - it's just that the past few months I've been spending most of my free time over at Jen's (she really really really needs a computer!!!). And with all appologies out of the way, on to my dilema of the month:

Fact - I am 25 working in a mind-numbing job. Tried school, not once but twice (Journalism for 3 years, Computer programming for 1 semester) and STILL don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

Fact - I have been accepted into a Student Work Abroad program (SWAP) which sends Canadians to another country (in my case Britain/Scotland/Republic of Ireland) to work and travel for a maximum of 2 years. I have 1 year to be in England before my acceptance expires. Part of my travel would include backpacking for a month on the bussabout tour through Europe.

Fact - My mind-numbing job (which I am very very good at and is a very well respected Canadian company) has decided to hire 6 employees for full-time. I am currently working there as a "student" but full-time would be $50,000 a year PLUS profit sharing AND they subsidize part-time schooling costs for employees meaning that when I finally do decide what I want to be when I grow up, I won't have to foot the bill.

So see my dilema?? Which would you choose? The trip that will cost me an arm and a leg and separate my girlfriend and me for at least 6 months, but will afford me a greater sense of independance, worldy knowledge, and social skills not to mention a damn good time!!???!!! Or the job that will allow me to pay off my debt, get a place with my girlfriend, buy my volkswagon van (*teehee* and get a liscence to go with it!), and give me greater security and unlimited totally paid for schooling but will have me working midnights every Sunday to Thursday!!??!!

PLEASE RESPOND IN AN E-MAIL or IN MY GUESTBOOK thanks...


August 12, 2002.
I am SSSOOO in love with my girl! MmMmmMMmmmmm!!!! I don't know what's gotten in to her because it's completely out of character for her...
She surprised me with a 'Promise' ring on Friday night!!!!
It is so beautiful...white gold...never going to leave my hand... *swwooooon*


August 1, 2002.
Many of you probably didn't even know I was gone, but I'm back from vacation! Though the observant ones among you may have noticed that I haven't been updating this page for a while. Consider this entry the first of many updates.

So where did I go? My friends and I took a roadtrip to the East Coast - driving through Quebec and New Brunswick to get to Nova Scotia and PEI. It's kind of become a tradition, since last year we drove from Ontario to Florida. Next year I think we're going to splurge on plane tickets because driving anywhere for 20+ hours really really SUCKS!! I think I'm just saying that now because my back still aches and when I close my eyes I still feel like I'm in a moving vehicle. Ah well, it was all in the name of fun. Oui? Oui?

I don't have much time to get into details but I'll be sure to come back here within a few days and fill you in on all the McLobster, singing dogs, and 10 year old tattoed boy stories that I have from my travels out East. Later skaters...


July 2, 2002.
Man it's hot out there!! It's 35 degrees but feels like 44 with the humidity which really sucks since I work in a warehouse so you add 5-10 degrees to that. I still can't believe that I didn't faint today. Anyway, the long weekend (Canada Day weekend) just passed and for the most part it was fun. Considering that I've been waiting excitedly for a year for this weekend to come around, it being Toronto Pride and all, you'd think I would have had an awesome weekend. It started good. Jen, Gavi, Faiza and me hung out at Pope Joans (a lesbian bar) on the Friday night and had a blast. On Saturday we took part in the dyke march and for the first time ever Jen was completely into me during the march!!! (she loves me...she really loves me!!!) Of course I was topless all Saturday, and of course I had different coloured hair for both days (pink and florescent yellow on Friday, orange and blue on Saturday). Anyway, the excitement kind of died down after the dyke march and nothing fun seemed to be happening in the way of entertainment. Now usually everybody heads to Tango's (a lesbian bar) after the dyke march but it was completely dead afterwards! My friends and me wanted to leave but we were sure that it would liven up eventually and if we left we'd be facing line-ups to get into other bars. But before we had a chance to see how packed it would get, Jen received a page from her sister saying that her grandfather wasn't doing very well and was heading to the hospital (he's been really sick this year and isn't expected to last much longer). As soon as Jen got the message we decided to leave Pride so that she could sober up and get a good night sleep so that we could drive to her hometown and see her grandfather in the morning. So instead of partying until the wee hours on Saturday night and watching the Pride parade with a million others on the Sunday, Jen and I spent Saturday night sleeping and Sunday driving and hanging out in her town of 5000 people. I can't complain too much though, since Jen's sister took me out to her friends cottage while we were there and I went on a speedboat and I saw a few Mennonites on horse and buggies, and that night Jen's dad took us for a short ride in his new truck (one of those big rigs!). Anyway, that's my update for now...*smile*


June 19, 2002.
I just wanted to stop in and let you know how incredibly amazing last Friday's Cyndi Lauper/Cher concert was!!! Of course Cher was the headliner but I, with my purple and orange hair, was there for Cyndi - and I have to say that she went well beyond my expectations! And oh my god, she is ssssoooo hot! Her hair was blond and cut just above her shoulders (my future hairstyle, I might add!) and she had on this women's pant suit with a bright pink button up top (my future wedding attire - hey, I'm allowed to break conventions especially since my lesbian marriage wont be considered legal anyway!). She's supposed to be 40 something I think, but she looked no older than 25 and totally won over my heart. Oh, and the best part was when she dedicated her song 'True Colors' to Gay Pride that's coming up in Toronto and then draped herself in the rainbow flag! Now how cool is that???

Our seats weren't that great since we were on the third level (and I bought them ten minutes after they went on sale, can you imagine!!??!!, but halfway through Cher's set we sweet talked our way onto the first level and we wound up about 30 feet away from the side of the stage. It's too bad that we didn't think of that sooner because earlier during Cyndi Lauper's set she came into the crowd a few times. All in all, it was probably one of my top 5 concerts ever.

A special public belated birthday to my girlfriend, Jen. She celebrated her 24th on Saturday! Yay...*big hugs*...


May 16, 2002.
Happy May 2-4 everyone! Well, I'm all packed up and ready to head for the cottage this weekend. *giggle* That sounds really cool - 'the cottage'. Unfortunately I don't own a cottage but for this weekend anyway my friends and I can pretend. There's roughly 14 of us going up, and we've rented 2 cabins with 5 beds in each. PPPAAARRRTTTTYYY!!! So let it rain, I don't care! rottencrumbyweathergrrrrrRRRrrrr... At least we're NOT going to be tents for this dumb rainy weather. Anyway, that's it for now. Just keeping you all updated. Later skaters!


May 14, 2002.
I'm going to see Cher on her last concert tour!!!!! *skips around the room* Even more exciting is that the one and only Cyndi Lauper is opening for her!!! Yay for me!!!! June 14th, baby...yeah! Girls just want to have fun...


April 30, 2002.
Of all the schools in all of Brampton, would you believe that MY childhood elementary school is set to be torn down in a year!!!???!!! I almost cried this morning when dad told me the news. Most of you are probably rolling your eyes at how trivial the whole matter is, but then again most of you do not know me. I am the type of person who pines for my past the way an old women might look at her childhood. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. Mainly centering around my childhood up to the age of 11...my innocent years...my years as an only child...my years growing up in the apartment...and my years attending St. Francis Xavier elementary school in Brampton (1981-1991). So as I was saying, of all the schools they had to choose mine to put on the chopping block. *sigh* How am I supposed to take a family trip to my old neighborhood (when I have children that is) and show off my school when in its place will be some brand new mega school thats only similiarity is the land it stands on? All of my parents schools are still standing, and I know this for a fact because they've taken me on such trips. I plan on vising SFX soon to absorb what I can of my history, and then again in a year on the day that the wrecking ball is set to swing. Perhaps I'll be the crazy lady handcuffing herself to the doors?? *small smile*


April 2, 2002.
My family had quite a scare the other night. Last Friday at around 12:30 at night, mom and I went outside for a cigarette. I really like those moments because it's completely 'our' time together to talk or vent or just laugh together. Anyway, mom said she wasn't feeling to well so she was going to go back inside. A few minutes later I went in and was just walking down the hall when my little brother came running down the stairs saying that mom needs help. Dad asked what was wrong, assuming that mom just needed help doing something or another. Brandon hurridely said that mom was lying on the bathroom floor. Immediately, Dad and me flew upstairs and saw mom lying flat on her back with her head between the toilet and the endtable and her legs partially in the hall (its a very small bathroom). She was awake but very very distant and somewhat confused. Her breathing was very slow and she felt clammy but kept saying how hot she was. Since mom always bundles up to go have a cigarette, dad and I decided to shed some of mom's clothing to help cool her down. I ran and grabbed a wet cloth while dad called for an ambulance. While all of this was happening the kids were freaking out in the background, so I took them downstairs to try to calm them down even though I was as scared as they were. A firetruck and an ambulance came almost immediately as did the neighbors who were awakened by the sirens and lights. One neighbor offered to take the kids to her house to get them away from the confusion, which the kids and I gratiously accepted. There had to be at least 7 firemen/paramedics/policemen crammed up in our upstairs hallway with mom and dad. They didn't really have to do much since by this point mom was starting to feel normal again. They wanted to take her to the hospital to 'make sure' that things were okay but mom decided that she was okay by that point. And she has been, though the rest of us are still a bit shaken up by the whole thing. I think it's just that feeling of helplessness - where you want to help so much but there's really nothing you can do but pray...
Lesson learned: Don't take anyone for granted. HUG YOUR MOTHERS!!! *smile*


March 20, 2002.
Forgive me if I don't make much sense, but I'm slightly enebriated at the moment. I had a bad night at work - near accident on the Reach truck...argument with a fellow employee last night...and I haven't seen Jen for three days because of our work schedules. *sigh* But I figured that it's been a month since I've last wrote and I owe it to you all to let you know what's going on in my life.
This past weekend Jen and I went to her hometown of Listowel Ontario (population 5000 people - total Hicktown!) for PattyFest - the largest Saint Patricks Day celebration in North America. Of course I dyed my hair green for the occasion *hehee*. Anyway it was a weekend full of drinking and partying and we had a great time. I'm usually VERY nervous when we go to her hometown because Jen knows EVERYONE and it's just so overwhelming when I have to deal with her family and friends all at the same time. But although I was nervous this time, her family really made an effort to make me feel comfortable. Now when I say 'family' I don't just mean the traditional mom, dad, and a couple of brothers and sisters. Jen's family is the freakin' Brady Bunch times two! First you have her mom and step dad, half brother, twin half sisters, twin brother (yes, there are two sets of twins in this family!!!), and sister. And then you have her dad, step mom, and step brother and step sister. On top of this you have the uncles, aunts, grandma's and grandpa's, family friends, real friends, etc... etc... *WHEW!* So you can see how nerve-racking the whole experience can be. Anyway, I walked away from this weekend, for the first time in four years, feeling very confident with how all the family interactions went. Perhaps next time I'll get up the nerve to hug one of them! *hehee*


February 20, 2002.
I'm a full-fledge adult now! Not in the "I am old enough to drink" sense, but the "I'm 25 and people will respect me now". *rolls eyes* Do people respect 25 year olds with green hair?
Anyway... Jen held a birthday party for me at her house last Saturday and it was awesome! There were about 40-50 people there and we were drunk...some of us high...dancing...mingling and having a great time UNTIL one undesirable guest (a friend of a friend) got out of hand and we asked him to leave. He ended up leaving but not until after smashing a light in the hallway of the apartement and shattering the glass everywhere and then leaving a trail of blood all down the hall and out the front entance. We think he's sitting in jail right now because when he left he went and kicked in a couple of cars and then went across the street (where cops like to hang out) and began kicking at the Beer Store windows. So drunken little me and Jen (mostly Jen) cleaned up the mess (but not before her Superindentant came out to investigate *groan*). We returned to the party and urged everyone to get back into the spirit and have a good time again. Jen and I ended up going up to bed at around 5:30 even though the party was still going strong downstairs. I kept running down to ask them to keep the noise down a bit becauase the Superintendant was watching our asses, but nothing changed. A few of my close friends were really getting out of hand and becoming angry and totally disrespectful. I finally had enough of 'babysitting' and just kicked out the troublemakers. A few of them bitched me out before leaving, and I tell you it was so hard to have to do it but they left me with no choice. It was a total respect issue. They've since called and appologised. But I have to say, that was the best party that I've ever had and it will most likely be the last one that I'll ever throw. Does this highschool drama ever stop!!??!! Perhaps when I'm 26... *giggle*...


February 9, 2002.
I absolutely LOVE February!!! *happy dances around the room* Not only do Jen and I celebrate Valentines Day, but we have our anniversary on the 5th, my birthday on the 12th and some years we've even been known to celebrate 'our' Christmas together as well (yes, the tree goes back up and the carole's are sung! *teehee*). We've scrapped 'our' Christmas this year because Jen's had a string of financial bad luck for the past bunch of months BUT lack of money can never get in the way of Valentines or our 4th anniversary. This year, Jen completely surprised me by actually being romantic (which has always been my role)! Jen had a friend of hers come into her home and set up candles EVERYWHERE (living room, bathroom, and bedroom) and set a bubble bath. So when Jen and I arrived the house was immaculate and the mood was set. First she brought me into the bathroom and we bathed together while sipping wine. Then she took me into her bedroom where she gave me a wonderful massage using scented massage oils. Then we..uh...*blush*...made love...*blissful smile*. Then she took me downstairs and we had chinese food over a candlelight dinner. And the rest of the night was spent cuddling on the couch watching Queer as Folk. MMMmmMMmMmmmm.... Of all the women I've ever romanced in my life NONE have ever reciprocated on the same level. Jen is not a romantic by nature, but for our fourth anniversary she gave me the one thing that I've always desired but had practically given up on - romance. Here's to another year, hon...


January 15, 2002. I 'CAME OUT' SIX YEARS AGO TODAY!!!
I haven't written over the past month because I've been pretty depressed about where my life is going. For a while it was starting to feel as if it was going absolutely no where. When I was younger success just seemed to come to me whether I tried very hard or not. But it seems as if since 1998 things have just come to a standstill - outside of relationships I had no real passions or desires. Well, now that I'm only a month away from being 25 (aaahhh!) I've decided that I had better get a grip on this life of mine before life passes me by and my options are fewer. So about a week ago I was lying in bed with Jen and I just couldn't sleep because I knew that I had life issues to sort out and so I got up and went downstairs (at about 3 am) and made lists upon lists. One was a list of all the things that I've said I was going to do in my life but didn't and other things that I would someday like to accomplish. The following are things that I HAVE accomplished so far in my life that I am proud of:

*President of the LGB club at Humber
*Editor of my highschool paper
*Valedictorian candidate - Highschool '95
*1st-3rd place in numerous track meets
*Miss Softball - Chinguacousey league '91
*Free throw champion - Dufferin Peel '90
*Most Dedicated Player - Highschool baseball '95
*Student Apreciation Award - Humber College '97
*Bramalea Lions Club scholarship - Highschool graduation '95
*Month long spiritual trip to Florida by myself - '97
*went White water rafting
*Road trip to Florida with friends - 2001
*went Parasailing
*Lived on my own
*3 years of Journalism studies
*partial Computer Programming studies


The following are what I would like to accomplish in the time given:

*Get my license (1 year)
*Finish Journalism (2 years)
*Have my own place again (1 year)
*Visit Vancouver (1 and a half years)
*Volunteer overseas (3 years)
*Get married (5 years)
*Have my own car (2 years)
*Have children (7 years)
*Visit San Fransisco (2 and a half years)
*Quit smoking (1 year)
*Go skydiving (1 year)
*Get a full-time job (1 year)
*Go mountainclimbing (1 and a half years)
*Own my own business or Run my own magazine or Write a non-fiction book (15 years)

So that's that! I also made a guestlist for my 'wedding' and the names of my 'children' that night but I think I must have just been over-tired or something. *smile* Luckily Jen didn't think I was too much of a freak for that one...*giggle*








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