Well, this is my final addition to this particular section of my homepage. At first it was to be a dedication page for a girl I had been dating for close to two years. Then we broke up. So back in February (1998)I decided to make the page anyways in hopes that she would see it and perhaps it would appeal to her heart. Now I am closing that chapter of my life...not on the memories or the love that I had, but because it is impossible to hold on to something that doesn't want to be held any longer. I love the person she was and the memories we shared, but I am not "in-love" with the person she is now and I only recently realized that the memories are all we will ever be able to share together. If you continue on, you will see a diary of sorts, written over a period of 2 years, in which you can follow all the events and emotions that took place between us since the breakup.
February 1998.
Unfortunately my plans for this page have been shattered. Its original purpose was to show my devotion for probably the most wonderful woman that I have ever met. I was supposed to ask her to marry me on New Years at exactly 12:01 in Quebec City. That dream was not realized because we broke up a month before. *sigh* So now I will eventually use this space as an outlet to slowly release her from my heart. Sadly, it will probably just leave me pining for her even more.
March 1998
I've never been more confused. We broke up on November 22, 1997. We went through the typical we-shall-not-hang-out faze that all ex's go through but then began to hang out by the end of February. Things were great! We laughed...we talked...we cried... we cuddled... she invited me to go to Ottawa with her... I went... she wanted us to hang out on what would be our two-year anniversary to make it something "special...of course I agreed and we saw Titanic and sat in our old 'regular' booth at a restaurant we used to go to before the breakup...things were great...two days later she told me that we could no longer be friends...turns out she had placed a personal add and is (from last I heard) now dating someone. Where did things go wrong?
I know that my actions are what forced Heather to break up with me. I won't deny that. I have matured a lot since then, and now it's too late. I don't agree with how she gave me such false hope over the past month, but in a way she deserves to have given such sweet revenge even if it was not her intention.
Anyways, to all those who do hold someone close to them, please listen to my advice. Do not in any way, take them for granted...nor take the precious gift of love for granted for when it's gone only then will you see exactly what you let slip through your hands...and by that time...there's nothing left to pick up but pieces of you and your past...to move forth reluctantly into the unknown...the unfamiliar...the uncertain.
Heather,
If by chance you have stumbled upon this page, please know that I am still thinking of you and wish you the best I only hope that this year treats you better than the last. I love you, sweet one.
Remembering always...loving you forever,Lauren...
July 18, 1998.
Well, since I last wrote, Heather and I became friends once again, even hung out every-so-often. But it became evident that she didn't view our friendship as being as important as her others. I would call and leave two or three messages before she would consider calling me back, and we would really only get together once a month. I looked forward to hearing from her, not because I wanted her back as much as I just enjoyed her company.
By this point it had been 7 months since we broke up, and I was beginning to see that I was too busy looking towards my past that I was missing out on making a future for myself where my heart is concerned. So I wrote her a letter which I'll include...
Heather,
I've done all I can. Most would feel ashamed of themselves for still holding on to something that ended 7 months ago. I don't. When it comes to the heart, my heart, pride means very little to me if the actions could possibly lead to happiness and the resurrection of something good. It hasn't.
Sometimes I wonder if you can even fathom how much I miss being with you and how much it hurts to know that even our friendship is questionable at times. I'm sure you know what I mean. I know you are busy, but I also know that you make time to see people like Larissa and others. What you said when I asked to meet up with you on Pride just proved that to me even more.
Most people would have given up long ago. I'm not sure why I didn't, perhaps I should have. That's my mind speaking, the rational side of me. My heart, as fragile as it is, still can't picture a life without you in it. I think it's about time I started to pick up the pieces, though...
I wish there was something I could say or do to turn your eyes back to mine. But I've said and done all I can, and still nothing worked. I now realise there was absolutely nothing I could do. The decision was and still is yours.
I guess I fit the stereotypical psycho-stalker ex-girlfriend, though. *giggle* I'm just kidding, Heather, I'm never went that far. For the most part, you know of all the effort and time I put in to trying to show and prove to you how true my heart is. I'll let you in on a little secret though, I actually called and wrote to the Sally Jesse Raphael show and Camilla Scott for their show "I'd do anything to get her back". So far there's been no response. I often wonder if you'd actually go on the show with me if they did call.
But it's time that this girl finally picked herself up and dusted herself off. I'm just tired of looking backwards and at a future that I guess was never meant to be. I can't change our past, nor can I change your mind right now in the present. But I do have the power to change my future. And I won't have much of one if I sit around trying to relive my memories.
So consider this my last direct attempt to appeal to your heart. I don't think I have to tell you that I love you, because I'm sure you must know that. Time will never run out on us if this was ever meant to be, for I know that 5 years down the road if we're both single at the time and you would like to meet me for coffee and a white hot chocolate, I'd be more than willing. In fact, I'm sure I'd be ecstatic. But for now, if you care for me than you should make that clear now because I'm not going to wait around any longer.
You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Your ambition excites me and your view on life brings a smile to my face. Our memories still vivid, will remain in my heart. Wow. Looking back on that sentence, tears are actually forming. I guess letting go will be just as hard as trying to hold on to you.
As for friendship, if that is what you want from me than I suggest you try to make time for me. I'm not asking for much, perhaps a weekly phone call and to see you a bit more than once every month and a half. I don't enjoy being the only one who makes the calls, nor do I like leaving 2 or 3 messages before you decide to call me back. And no, Heather, I'm not angry. I'm just frustrated. You know that if I can't be with you romantically, then I would like nothing more than to be friends. But I don't need friends who can't find time for me.
I'm sorry that this letter is so long. I just have so much that I need to get out. I only hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
If not...I do love you very much, and still would love for us to be together. If you still care about me, I suggest you let me know now because I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself any longer. I know you have a lot going on in your life right now, and don't necessarily have time for a relationship. Therefore if you still feel that we should just be friends, than that's fine...but...I'm also not going to give my all to a friendship unless it's reciprocated. And if in the future you do find that you would like to try to work things out romantically than by all means, please talk to me. I will never shut you out...
So there you go. I hope it didn't come across to harsh, because that was not my intention. I just had to let you know what is going on with me. I care a lot about you, and want very much to have you in my life, in one way or another, but only if you want to be there.
I can only hope that you'll talk to me about all of this after reading this letter,
Lauren...
Heather gave this to me along with a bouquet of flowers on New Years Eve, 1997. Who would have thought that the "lesbian avengers", as she referred to us, wouldn't make it through the year.
About a week later Heather called to tell me that she is now dating an aquatance of mine, who I introduced to Heather a year and a half ago. Oddly enough, I am not upset by this. I know that this girl has a lot in common with Heather and would never hurt her. I only wish Heather to be happy. What does upset me, though, is that Heather hasn't called since then, and that was three weeks ago. She knew that it was now up to her if she wanted the friendship to continue, but I guess in moving on, she has also moved away from the very idea of me.
For those of you who may have pity on me now, I ask you to look on the situation with different eyes. This whole experience has been a learning opportunity for me. During the course of the relationship I learned exactly what I was capable of, good and bad. I have known of great love...of great loss...and I've survived.
I have wonderful memories of Heather, but I feel that it is time that I tuck them away into a quiet place in my heart.
I have since met a wonderful woman named Gloria, and I am quite confident that all that I have learned in my past love will be usefull in the future.
I am a better person for all of this. And only now, after 7 months, am I ready to give all of myself to another person.
A photographer snapped this pic of Heather and I during Pride weekend 1997. It was later published in a straight newspaper a year and a half after we broke up. We found out when we were reading the newspaper the following spring and stumbled upon our own faces. *giggle* Imagine our surprise...imagine how it surprised my current girlfriend. Yikes!
September 13, 1998
To be fair, I thought I'd come in and add one last diary entry to the Heather and Lauren saga. Since my last entry, Heather has reconsidered the importance of our friendship and I'm happy to say that she is now back in my life. We are trying to rebuild our friendship through e-mails and the occasional phone call.
January 2, 1998
It was a little awkward at first, but ironically we now consider each other to be our best friend. It feels good to know that our friendship wasn't in vain, and that we both are now able to talk comfortably again about everything including our separate love lives. And another ironic twist to all of this is that when my long distance girlfriend was in town last month, Heather ACTUALLY wanted to meet her. So they met and got along great! My life is just full of irony and circles. Get this...they both share the exact same birthday (and year of birth!) and they ended up meeting each other on the anniversary of the day Heather and I broke up. *deep breath*
May 27, 2000.
It's as if I'm never going to finish this diary! *haha* You wouldn't believe how many people write me asking for further updates on the whole Lauren/Heather saga. *giggle* Well, instead of recounting the story a hundred and one more times I thought I'd just write one more diary entry for all to read. Thankfully, it's much more positive than the previous ones...*smile* Hopefully this will help prove to some of you out there that are going through your own personal heartbreaks, that if you hang in there - one day life really will brighten up again...
YES!!! Heather, I'm happy to say, is still in my life. Who would have thought, eh? *giggle* It took sssssoooo long to get over her but there was one day in particular (January 1999) when we were hanging out and it just hit me that although the love and respect that I have for Heather will never go away, I just wasn't attracted to her on any other level anymore other then friendship. That realization was pretty intense for me because I had gone through so much heartache and yearning and to finally feel free of that passion was both sad and wonderful...sad because it meant letting go of a part of my life that I had been clinging to for so long...wonderful because it meant that finally I was truly ready to give my all to another relationship. *blissful sigh*
Heather and me as friends, 2 years after we broke up...
And with that said...
"When one door of happiness closes another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
- Helen Keller
So carefully I will now turn the page, and begin a new chapter of my life.
