JANIS' SHADOW
A shiver ran through her body, but Janis continued to lie there. The lone bedsheet was draped carelessly over her thighs, failing to protect her from the cool breeze that drifted past her drapes. What was it that Nicole had said earlier, Janis wondered. She glanced up at the Mickey Mouse clock that hung on the wall above her bed. It was only 9:20. Nicole wouldn't be calling until sometime after 10. Janis had been waiting all day to talk to her friend, and knew that another hour wouldn't make much of a difference. Even still, a small groan managed to push across her lips.
Janis focused in on Mickey's big hand as it continued to tick slowly by each second. As usual, that clock brought a smile to her face and with it, a flood of memories. Looking up at it, Janis saw much more than a faded white Disney clock. Suddenly, Nicole's earlier words flashed through Janis' mind. "Live in the future, hon. The past is just a bunch of dead memories". "Dead memories, eh? Then perhaps I died along with them," Janis mumbled. The young woman closed her eyes in defeat.
The past seemed so carefree. Thinking back, it almost seemed to be some sort of fantasy world. It was a world where days were filled with laughter and endless fun, with the odd tear quickly whisked away by the comfort of a mother's hug. More importantly, it was a time when hiding and pretending were nothing more than games.
Everything changed when Janis became a teenager. All of a sudden everything seemed to become too complicated. Life began to move faster. People turned colder. The world grew larger. Admist all of this, Janis lost sight of herself. She began to look towards her childhood memories as a place of retreat. Within seconds, the coldness would melt and the restraints would loosen, giving way to a new feeling of innocence, freedom, and unlimited time. She had made it her own private haven, made up of the games that she had played, the ordeals she had overcome, and the people and places which had come and gone. It allowed her to go back to a time when being herself was not a bad thing, much less an issue at all.
Janis wasn't thinking really, more like drifting. There was nothing she wanted more than to remember. She yearned to live...to feel...to be herself. It had been too damn long.
Nicole understood everything. She was a few years younger and could act like a typical kid every now and then, but somehow Nic seemed older. She always seemed to have something interesting to say and was constantly trying to figure people out. But with Janis, there was nothing to figure out. Nicole only had to listen.
A tear trickled down her cheek. Even with no one around Janis still felt awkward, embarrassed almost. Imagine being nineteen, and crying about practically nothing. Janis knew her life seemed perfect. Maybe for some people it could be just that. But for Janis, perfect was what it used to be. Good marks and awards didn't matter. Accomplishments like that were just distractions, and would surely be forgotten in the future.
How many others are out there, she wondered. Like me...only going through the motions of life. Nothing but empty aching hours confined to their own silent legacy. If only she could find the strength in her heart. Janis threw her hand violently across her chest. It was only 9:35.
Growing bored, Janis allowed her eyes to wander the bedroom aimlessly. It was funny, she thought, how the tiny room seemed to be hidden away from the rest of the world and almost didn't feel real. She had once read that individuals are like a mirage, just a mere shade of reality. She had laughed at the thought, becoming more confused each time she read the sentence. Maybe it wasn't meant to be understood. However, lying there thinking about it in the dark, Janis came to the conclusion that perhaps that one sentence held the only real truth to this life. The truth being that nothing is as it seems, and therefore nothing is real. "And if I am not real," Janis whispered, "than what do I matter?"
Tired of the dark, Janis sat up and reached over to her nightstand. She fumbled along the shaft of the light fixture looking for the switch. The movements of her fingers made the lamp squeak. It was a dreadful noise. She was preoccupied lately, with bigger things on her mind. Janis promised herself once again that she'd find the time to fix the lamp. That was the problem. Time had complete control over everyone's life. The clock now read 9:49.
The light gleamed off her purple notebook. It was on her dresser where she always left it each night. What first had possessed her to write in that journal, Janis would never know. Somehow she found strength in opening its pages, and filling up its lines. It allowed the young woman to confront her feelings. It helped Janis understand herself a bit more. There were no walls in this book...no people...no places...just her.
She began to leaf through some of her earlier entries. A smile swept across her face at the sight of herself. The part of "herself" that was usually kept hidden. Always one to follow, and definitely not one to lead, Janis saw herself as somewhat of a dancing stranger. That part of her was not someone that she respected, much less enjoyed pretending to be. Hidden inside was a part of Janis that continued to exist, but never really felt alive.
With Nicole, there was no such thing as pretending. That's why Janis looked forward to their nightly talks. Sometimes the conversation would last for hours. Actually, Janis thought, most times they lasted for at least two. Her excitement was getting the best of her, as Janis eyed the telephone. She longed for it to ring. She gently placed the book back onto the dresser, deciding to leave it open.
She hadn't checked the time for quite a few minutes, though the constant ticking was very tempting.
Tick...tick...tick...
Once again she glanced up at the clock.
Tick...tick...tick...
It was after ten. Closer to half passed.
Tick...tick...tick...
She curled her hand around the receiver in anticipation.
Tick...tick...tick...
Finally, the telephone rang. Janis bit her lip, as she slowly picked up the phone. She wanted to make the moment last. Mostly, she didn't want to sound too eager. Forcing the quivers back into her heart, Janis answered the phone. Hearing Nicole's soothing voice on the other end, Janis smiled. She felt warm now, and was oblivious to the breeze winding through her room. Janis kicked the bedsheet off of her. Her naked body turned slightly, moving her eyes away from the clock. The young woman took a deep breath and finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Janis began to talk.
SCREAM IT OUT!!!
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