Diary Entries for 2004

My Fiancé is, also, her own person (of course). She has strengths beyond what I have; believe it or not, she is more open-minded, more respectful and tolerant of diversity, and more thoughtful than I am. She also complements me; she is an ENFP, where I am an ESTJ… (though perhaps I'm more of an ExxJ, tending towards ExTJ. If this particular alphabet soup doesn't make sense to you, please lookup the Myers-Briggs personality typing system). So, anyway my Fiancé is wonderfully nurturing, loving, intelligent, kind, funny, sexy (there's a story w/that one ;-), insightful, creative, patient, communicative, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (a.k.a. etc.-cubed)! The truly amazing thing to me (or at least very cool/neat/wondrous/awesome/etc.-cubed) is that this list of qualities rolls off my tongue (okay, mind) without effort. I can sing her praises w/out over-thinking it, and without struggling to describe the wonderful things I think about her. This is particularly significant to me because I can do this after 3 years, and because I can see being able to do this for the rest of my life (well, at least I can plan on it. Being an intellectual in-my-head-too-much type, I will acknowledge the possibility that things could change; Alzheimers could set in, or some other tragedy could befall us… Cheery thought, huh? :-}).

Okay, so now I've scared you off, yes? I mean, that was two of the hardest-to-follow (and, parenthetically, parenthetical [and annotated in brackets]… *hee* *hee* ;-) paragraphs I've ever written in my life. I even ended on a tragic note. This is one of those times when human curiosity simply gets the best of you, huh?

Gone yet? No? Okay… On to the "scary" stuff!

Really... annnny minute now... yup...

Coming soon to a diary entry near you... Scary Stuff, The Entry! In time for Halloween [The High Holy Transgender/Transvestite Holiday!]

Okay, if you really wanna' know...

I call myself a (primarily) heterosexual (or perhaps "Metrosexual" or even "New Bloke") male. A person capable of running up and down the gender and sexuality scale, yes, and yet most at home close to the ends of those spectrums. [Please see my thoughts on gender for more of what I mean here] So what's scary is that I might truly be at the other end of the spectrum (the polar opposite) of where I think I am. I might be Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and/or Transsexual [One or several of the GLBT alphabet soup] and simply kidding myself that I'm not… This is not likely (at least not in the way I understand myself now, and that I foresee in the future ;-)… Still a scary thought; that I don't know my own sexuality. A scary thought to think I'll be getting married and doing the whole hetero-lifestyle thing and that I could somehow be kidding myself on that. That I'm really a transsexual lesbian. Again, I don't think this is the case, but when you talk fear, it doesn't end up being rational, nor even realistic, sometimes.

Now I realize some, or even most, of you reading this are gay, bi, lesbian, or Trans (this is, after all, my transgender-related website ;-); and that this concept of being GLBT is not scary for you-- that it is, in fact, wonderful for you. That's great! That's okay by me; some of my best friends are one or more of the TBLG soup. It's a tasty soup, particularly since it mixes sexuality and gender in so many ways… :) The point I'm making is that I'm not at the end of the scale (at or near the poles) most of the time where'd I'd call myself Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and/or Transsexual; and it's sometimes a scary thought to think I might be. After all, how scary is it to think one does not know oneself? How fun is it to think you are lying to yourself, or even simply unsure? Walking the tightrope of gender and sexual identity for most of my life, as I imagine many of you have done in your lives, is no easy task. It is tiring; tiring down to the soul. It is also a wonderful struggle, however; in many senses of the word. How many people question their gender or sexuality? How many people have the opportunity to open up to the diversity that exists in life, and embrace it? How many people honor diversity in the general population?

So I might be kidding myself about other things as well, and that's scary too. I could be kidding myself that I've grown up enough to be ready for a partner like my Fiancé. I could be kidding myself that I am really past my prejudices, limitations, worries, depression, compulsiveness… demons (if you will) in my life and in my soul. Would you want to stare into that chasm and think you might fall in again? [I thought not ;-)]

Also, I see myself as someone who is a loving person; towards others (and, finally, myself), and who does a decent job of producing more love (and less hate) in the world. I could simply be kidding myself, though, couldn't I? Now that's scary (at least to me). Again, wouldn't it be scary to think you're one thing, and find out you're another? That you're so out of touch with reality that you don't even know yourself? [Boo!]

When I get scared, I also see a pattern in my thoughts on my partner I've seen before: Date for 3 years, get married, and 3 years later I'm divorced. The differences this time around, however, are significant; there are key things that have changed between my past and present. [What are they, you ask? How kind of you to be concerned and inquisitive!] What's different now is that I both know myself (who I am and what I want) far better (though, as I said above, I'm afraid I don't really know myself well enough), and I have chosen to partner with someone that is more of a kindred spirit. I still love my ex-wife, as a friend, and I wish her the best; we simply couldn't be happy being partners, for a multitude of reasons that I won't go into here (or perhaps even have already gone into here in the past, and simply don't remember because I have Swiss-cheese brain, and don't actually read back through my own diary entries. I think my Fiancé actually knows my site better than I do; she certainly remembers more.)

So that's some of the scary stuff; at least the stuff I'm willing to share with you here in this forum.

Still here? [Pixie (Tinkerbell) Pout.] I mean, I've continued my parenthetical-and-bracketed ways… (though I've gotten better. Really I have... ;-) I've gone on so many tangents you must be dizzy. My attempts to "baffle you with bull" have apparently failed. Well, fine then. [Hmmph. ;-)] I'm simply going to have to fess up on key things in my life, and perhaps bare some more of my soul (but not bare other things; this is still a PG-rated site ;-).

Have you noticed that my thoughts in this diary have followed two distinct patterns? No? (Or yes? If yes, what are they? It's pop-quiz time… ;-) Well, as near as I can tell, I have both not really shared my inner-most (secret) thoughts (I mean, you probably could have guessed that; but of course, how would you know that? ;-), and I haven't tended to share a lot of the negative (at least not lately) side of my life. There are, of course, both secrets and pain in my life. It's simply that the negative is much smaller now (in no small part due to figuring out what gender I am; and more broadly who I am and want to be). My secret thoughts will remain, well, secret by definition. [:)] However, some of my previously secret thoughts have already been laid out before you; some even in the paragraphs above (yes, you're getting raw, fresh, inner turmoil. Exciting, isn't it? ;-). Some more might yet still come… The pain (which is sometimes linked to the secrets) is easier to talk about, somehow... ["To the pain, your highness… it means I leave you wallowing in freakish misery…"]

My pain still persists; my Fiancé hasn't helped remove that from my life (nor is that her job). In fact, I'm not sure I want all pain gone; w/out pain how do we know pleasure? [There's a great short story called "Paingod;" by Harlan Ellison. You may want to look it up for another look at this concept] More broadly, perhaps, without yang, there is no yin (and, of course, vice-versa :). There is the interplay of opposites in all of us, and in life. That's what makes life so interesting, and worth living… What is the goal of life, after all, if it's not to live it? By live it, I mean many things; including be present in the moment (Carpe Diem!), seek personal growth (strive to make yourself and the universe around you better), and hopefully simply enjoy the journey along the way. Life is a journey, after all…

Sometimes a long, arduous, hard-to-swallow journey like this diary entry. Sorry.

September 6, 2004 (From the What's New section of my main page): I'm now engaged to be married! Woohoo!!

September 6, 2004 (Original Diary Entry): On engagement, on relationships (between men and women), and on hibernation

Wow. It's been over a year since I've last written in my diary. I had no idea it had been that long. It's kind of spooky, actually, to think my life has still been sooooo busy that I've let it go a year w/out writing in here. My Fiancé hasn't received much mention in my diary pages, and that's more because I'm concerned about her (and our) privacy than because of anything else. However, as she is very important to me, I figured I should write more about her and I, and on relationships in general (as I'm likely to do here in these diary pages that almost no one reads ;-). I suppose I will also write on the nature of my cross-dressing, if I decide to bore you to tears and have the time. However, first I'll try to catch you up on me in the last year...

In the last year, I have gotten engaged (in case you missed that one... I got engaged! :), traveled often (for work and for pleasure), attended my 7th Esprit (for only a day, and it was probably my last Esprit... at least for awhile), and generally got caught up in life. Pretty simple, huh? I mean, my life's been focused on doing things vs. worrying about them (and, perhaps, I've been busy licking the wounds and healing from the change and stress of last year... at least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it ;-)

So, thoughts on my Fiancé... We have been dating now for over 3 years (this is right around our "anniversary;" depending upon how we count it ;-). I am ever so happy to have found someone where we connect on so many important levels. Someone who actively listens to me, cares about me, nurtures me and my soul... and vice-versa. We are generally exhibiting love in the way I would prefer it: Through nurturing each others' self growth; supporting each other's needs and our own. [If this sounds familiar, it is; I said this last year, and I still believe it now... :)]

My Fiancé has been talking about writing a semi-regular column for my website. I think it's a great idea. How about you? What do you think? :)

As for my cross-dressing (or "dressing" for short): I've been in hibernation much of the year. I've hibernated (figuratively) in at least two ways: A break from "dressing" (winter/mid-November to mid-May, when I like to grow my beard; since I think I look good with one :), and from this website; and perhaps even from the type of introspection that comes from writing in this diary. So I am coming out of hibernation in several ways... Finally writing in my diary again, dressing very occasionally for the last few months, and perhaps even beginning to introspect in a way I've let slide recently. [If all this sounds familiar, it should... same thing as last year. Is this sad, or is this simply a nice place in my life that doesn't need to change?]

Also, before I forget, I want to comment/correct an impression that last year's diary (the last, and only, entry in last year's diary) may have left you with. Last year's diary had some thoughts about my friend Heather's comments on her website about Andrea Dworkin and her thoughts about women only using men to reproduce, and having their relationships with other women... (and you may want to read LieDetect for more on what Ms. Dworkin did or didn't say).

Anyway, in particular, I said something like:

	I don't tend to connect much with men. 
	It's not that I don't like men; men are fine. 
	Men as a general class, however (at least in the USA), 
	are (in my experience) more interested in sports, 
	cars, women as sexual objects, etc. than in connecting 
	emotionally with who they're interacting with. 

I'd say that was a bit of an overreaction based on my experiences with men (and to what I see as some of the negativism in Ms. Dworkin's comments-- or at least how most perceive her statements); and (unfortunately) a stereotype that I fell victim to while thinking about men. In my own defense, I did go on to say:

	I don't have a lot of male friends. 
	Certainly not even many male acquaintances outside of work. 
	It's too hard [for me] to get to know a man on an emotional level, 
	so it's too hard for me to become friends with them. 
	I don't find much to talk w/them about; at least not beyond 
	pleasantries like the weather, or maybe some sports. 
	There are exceptions to this...

So, to clarify (and in my own defense ;-), I don't believe that most men are more interested in things sports, cars, and objectifying women. I do believe, however, that this stereotype is not only propogated by USA society, but also that many men themselves reinforce the stereotype every day in their interactions with other men... (as I'm a man most of the time I'm interacting w/men, I can only really comment from this perspective). There are plenty of men who do not treat women as sexual objects (at least not most of the time ;-), and even a decent number that aren't interested in sports or the like. Again, in my experience it's hard for me to connect with men, and that doesn't mean that all men are pigs; nor even that though they may act that way around other men sometimes (or even a lot of the time ;-) that they would act that way towards women, nor that it's what they do most of the time.

June 20, 2004: Stuff from the "What's New" section of my main page

June 20, 2004: I'm finally catching up on Esprit 2004. I only went for 1 day, with my friend Tami (I was supposed to be on a business trip, but that's another story ;-). It was a nice time, as short as it was... seeing friends, and the requisite dancing. :) So, of course, I have pictures to post. Since I haven't gotten the OK on pic's from friends, you get some of me (my travel outfit, my formal, and my dancing outfit w/a glittery Marilyn Monroe blouse... all pudgy ol' me; time to hit the gym!):

I also went on a wine country tour with my girlfriend... there are some pic's. I don't have time to post those now. However, I must say it was a beautiful day to go "topless" (in the Miata... get your mind out of the gutter! ;-) and see the Oregon countryside. :)

Please see my Diary for 2003 for more diary entries.