Diary Entries for 2007

Only about 10% of you want to know more about me. So, except for Halloween or other pictures of me, not many people are interested in me.

In fact, only 3.4% of my visitors are interested in my thoughts on gender. This kind of surprises me. After all, if my assumption of most of my visitors being trans themselves, or at least interested in trans people, then I'd think wanting to understand more about gender and what's going on with the whole crossdressing thing would be of interest to people. Yes, I realize I'm presuming that people are interested in my thoughts on gender, but we are talking about visitors to my personal site, where it's largely about me anyway...

One other surprising result (to me at least ;-) is that only 2.2% of you are interested in my thoughts on sexuality. I mean, I'd think there'd be more curiousity about sex and sexuality, or at least my orientation. Nope. [Of course, I've updated the sexuality page today for the first time in about 8 years, so you may want to take a look... maybe I'll see more than 2.2% of visitors go there now... ;-)]

You have to get down to less than 1% of visitors-- 0.99% of you-- to get to those that have visited my thoughts on relationships, 0.86% my poetry, and 0.58% of you that check out my 'contact me' page... Maybe over 500 of you have contacted me over the last 10-11 years, but I don't think it's that high, so those that check out the page don't necessarily write (Of course, about half of those visits could have been me, checking to ensure the page still works... ;-)

Okay, one last thing on stat's: I've also been tracking visits every Halloween since 1996 or so, and I've noticed a couple of things. First of all, that the visits to my diary/blog and other personal sites were actually a higher percentage back then; the relative percentage of those looking for pictures vs. info about me has increased. For example, about 84% of visitors used to visit my main picture page in 2001, and now it's 95%, wheras my diary went from about 4% to 3.6% of total visitors, even though I've highlighted this diary more directly in the navigation and in my "What's New" section. Secondly, I've noticed that visits have slowed down in the last 2 years from about 10,000 to 15,000 per year to about 4,000 per year. So I wonder if it's really that visits have slowed down-- because I don't update my site as much as I used to, I'm not as young and cute, or something-- or because Yahoo has gotten better at counting unique visitors and the count is more accurate. Or maybe it's a combination of the two. Whatever the reason, I'd believe that visits have slowed down some, and I still would like to thank the about 4,000 of you that visit each year. :)

So what can I conclude from the stat's above? Again, that not many people who visit my site are interested in me, but are instead interested in the image of me. So let me say to you, who are reading my blog and have thus taken some sort of an interest in me: Thank You!.

Okay, so now on to Halloween this year and what I did (and didn't do)...

I went to Embers Avenue to go dance the night away... I had fun! I pretty much always enjoy dancing! I definitely got some interesting looks from 'straight' folks hanging out on the edge of the dance floor. I would have appreciated them dancing more and gawking/giggling less, but it certainly didn't stop me from dancing, and didn't really stop me from enjoying myself either.

On a tangent (I know, what a surprise), I'm more-or-less a 'straight' person too. I am a married male, basically heterosexual, and simply happen to like crossdressing for a multitude of reasons. So saying 'the straight folks' is sort of funny, but it works...

So I got up on the catwalk and shook my booty! Mostly to get away from the smoke and the crowded floor, but a little to be an exhibitionist, which I have a mild form of. Then I'd go down on the floor, and 'boo-gy' w/the crowd. Either way, I think dancing in 5 inch heels is an accomplishment. :)

There were some great costumes! The Martian-type green woman in silvery bikini, Edward Scissorhands, awesome dark fairies, the Queen of Hearts (complete with heart designs on fingernails) from Alice in Wonderland, Inspector Gadget, and several others.

I 'entered' the costume contest, which meant I stood in line w/about 33% of the people at the club for my turn across the catwalk, while the other about 66% of the people at the club looked on and made noise or didn't as people went by. I entered mostly to see what kind of reaction I would get...

So the story in my prior entry (see below) was back in my college days (around 1985 or so) and you can tell how that went (poorly). So this time I wanted to see what would happen at a gay/whatever club like Embers, with a fairly large non-gay attendance, and about 20+ years later. The answer... I pretty much was treated the same as anyone with an off-the-shelf or non-awesome costume: With polite applause or relative boredom. That I can handle; it's far better than 'eeew'. Now, to be fair, I wasn't doing Guy-In-Dress; I was doing Guy-In-Dress-Being-Woman-In-Maid-Costume. Reminds me of that "Victor-Victoria" thing about a woman playing a man playing a woman. I was a man playing a woman playing a woman in sexy costume. That still makes me a man though. I do wonder how many people knew I was a man; a crossdresser, and not a transsexual (TS) and not a woman.

Of course, it was my struggle with GID (Guy-In-Dress and Gender Identity Disorder) that had me wondering whether to go out at all. Am I a man who will suffer the reactions of those who don't approve, a man wishing he could magically be a woman when desired (and knowing that's not gonna' happen, so ultimately OK w/being a man), or something else? Anyway, I waffled until about 10:30 pm (22:30), and didn't get to the club until around 11 pm. So I only spent an hour or so at the club before coming home. Considering it was a Wednesday night, and I had to work the next day, this doesn't seem too lame or sad.

Of course, what's sad is the angst I feel over being a crossdresser. In a perfect world, I could be who I want to be and not worry for my safety, my well-being, my job, my family, etc. Of course, it's not a perfect world. Even if I could crossdress whenever I wanted, I might actually simply wear the "women's" clothes without trying to 'pass' as a woman. After all, one of (not the only, but one of) the reasons I 'dress' to 'pass' is that I want to be safe, and tolerated or accepted by society so I can simply go do the things I want to do. If I could be and feel safe, and not be harassed or worse, wearing a dress and heels and still looking like a guy... well, I think I would. Kind of a moot point for me short-term, as I'm not willing to risk it given my current life circumstances. Or at least not risk it in my own city, and/or by myself.

Anyway, here's a picture of me in costume, being a crossdresser (or 'Transvestite!' as the drunk boy yelled to his friends as they ran by across the street from me, as I was on my way home), in case I've removed it from the "What's New" or you simply missed it the first time...

So I need to go to bed!

Love to you all!
Kim

October 23, 2007: GID vs. WIC (Halloween Musings)

Hi again! Tonight I get to ramble about Halloween, and the roughly 2 ways it seems a crossdresser like me can be seen on said Holiday: 'Guy In Dress' (GID) and 'Woman In Costume' (WIC). Yes, I know... you thought by the title I meant Gender Identity Disorder and the Women Infants & Children program, didn't you? No? Oh...

Well, to go on one of my infamous tangents, my topic certainly relates to GID. I have GID (Gender Identity Disorder) to some extent. Or had it, in that it relates most strongly to the DSM terminology used to explain the feelings of transsexuals and their need to present the gender opposite that assigned at birth, or based on their 'biological' or really genital characteristics (of course, most of you that read my diary know this, don't you? ;-). WIC, on the other hand, is thankfully something I'm not familiar with, because I'm not a mom who needs assistance to feed her children... and I'm glad it's there for the mom's that need it.

Okay, back to my shorthand for Guy-In-Dress and Woman-In-Costume. What I mean is that if I'm 'dressed' for Halloween, it seems I have 2 choices: To make it 'obvious' that I'm a guy dressing as a woman, and to try to go for the "Wow! You really did a great job on that costume!" or to try to look like I'm a woman (as in Female At Birth or FAB), and try to look like I'm wearing some costume-- like being Tinkerbell, or a Dominatrix, or a French Maid, or... Well, you get the idea. Hey, if you want to see some of what I've done for Hallowen, simply go over to my Halloween Picture Page if you want to see more :).

I've sort of done both, or attempted both, GID & WIC for Halloween. One time in college I went as a woman in a Chinese woman dress, with a beard, to a Fraternity party (I did not belong to a Frat, a friend of mine did). So I did both; GID and a costume that fit more with WIC (except for the beard). So that confused some people; "Why not be a regular woman, dude?" Of course, one other Halloween I tried doing the plain GID, in that I did my best to look like a woman, but entered a costume contest at a bar as a guy. While in line a guy felt my (foam) breasts and wondered how I did that, but when I got on the judging floor the announcer said "What about the transvestite folks?" in a pretty mean way, and I pretty much got boos and hisses vs. any applause. That was a shaming and humbling experience, and told me exactly what I'd get from society for transgressing gender lines even on Halloween. Then again, that was 20 years ago or more...

Of course, lately it's been GID trying to do WIC in the sense that I don't tend to 'pass' when I go to GLBT clubs on Halloween. Then again, a few years ago I did go to a big costume ball one year w/a TS friend of mine, and we did get hit on by some guys... which was a compliment as far as I'm concerned. I politely refused, as I was attached at the time... (and I wouldn't have said yes anyway, as I didn't really want any unpleasant realizations later). Of course, my TS friend got the offer because she's beautiful, and I got the offer because I look good in dim light where the French Maid outfit and fishnet stockings and some cleavage is about all a relatively drunk guy sees. ;-)

Of course, really any time I go out could either be perceived as GID (in both senses of the word), or as Woman. I would certainly like to think that I'm perceived as a woman, or 'pass' as a woman, and I know that's not always the case. I can tell all too many painful stories about not passing, though they are certainly less frequent now. I think that's not simply my skill in passing, however; I think that society has gotten more tolerant of transgender people, and it simply helps that I 'pass' relatively well.

If you want to know more of what I look like on any random given day out, then my Out-N-About pages give you some idea of what I've looked like throughout the last decade or so, and the Miscellaneous Out-N-About Pictures page has a sampling as well. Of course, if you really want to be visual, then you can go wander My Picture Pages.

Oh, and I actually added the 2 entries below today as well (getting caught up :)... Including my experiences in Vegas over 2 nights and a day.

Love,
Kim

October 20, 2007: Teaching in Heels?

So I have my latest avatar as a teacher, in a red dress & heels... (as you should be able to see above). How realistic is this? Well, not very... I mean, standing for hours teaching in heels? I don't think so! Who teaches in heels? I suppose there are some out there who do... I suppose also that they have more stamina (or tolerance for pain) than I do for that kind of thing...

Then again... I guess that I've danced for hours in heels. I've probably even done a mix of standing & walking for hours in heels. So maybe I could teach in heels. The thing is, though, heels really in general aren't that comfortable. They're bad for the back, they shorten calf muscles. They pose the risk of twisting an ankle, or worse inury. They can even damage wood floors if they're too pointed (spikey). So there are definitely downsides to heels...

They are sooooo pretty though. They do change how I walk, they make me taller (and I'm already 5'9"), they slim my overall look, they attract attention (usually that's good ;-). They have such beautiful lines (well, at least most of the ones that I buy ;-). So there's definitely good things about heels too.

Now, teaching... that's another matter. In general, there's not many downsides to teaching.

I suppose the downsides for the teacher there's the repetition of teaching the same material over and over... and yet each class brings their own personality, their own energy to the experience. There's some downsides for students... if the instructor goes on too long without a break, or drones on in a monotone, or isn't really adding something beyond what they could get in the materials.

However, the upsides (at least for me) generally outweigh the downsides. The joy of seeing someone get the concept, and get excited by what they're learning. The performance aspect of keeping a room full of people engaged and learning. The interesting (and sometimes challenging) questions that students ask. That somewhat rare comment of "Wow! That was the best class I've had in a long time" or even "Wow, what a great class!" Those moments make many others worth it.

So do I teach in heels? Nope, not generally. Could I? Sure. That's not the point of teaching though...

Love,
Kim

October 5, 2007: Drag Show-up

I was hanging out in Washington, DC w/a gay friend of mine, and after going to the Hirshorn museum's 'after hours' soiree, I talked him into going to the Drag Show at a club in DuPont Circle called Chaos. How aptly named that club is. The DRAG show, however, was more like a drag SHOW-UP. The MC and a decent number of the first set of performers expected to be showered with money for showing up, and walked around the floor in a lackluster fashion, mooching for tips. It was disgusting. There was no real show, other than seeing some greedy queens and a greedy and foul-mouthed MC; and I wouldn't call that a show. Now, to be fair, there was one performer (in a very skimpy gold outfit) who was working it. She was shaking her booty and body, moving to the music, and getting the crowd going... and she deserved the tip I gave her.

Call me traditional, but I expect good dancing, humor, and gorgeous drag queens at a drag show. From most or all of the performers, not one that's an exception to the rule. I miss the days of drag shows at Embers in Portland, where Bolivia Carmichael brought energy, glamour, fun, humor, and everything good about a show... and the packed audiences to go with the show. I don't go to the Embers much, but whenever I've been the show seems a bit lackluster. Lacking in those days of Bolivia making it hot. Of course, I think Bolivia is off at Darcelle's now, and Darcelle's does have the reputation of having a great show (and I've certainly enjoyed it the once or twice I've been :).

Soooo... beware the DRAG show-up, particularly at Chaos in Washington, D.C.

Love,
Kim

September 17, 2007: Vegas, Baby!

Vegas! I love Vegas. Well, love is maybe a bit too strong... I really like it! It's only been about 3 months since I've been, and that's fine with me. It's a city with many things to do, at least a little bit of 'only in Vegas' attitude, and a slogan like "What Happens..." (you know the rest, yes? ;-). In general the people who work in Vegas have 'seen it all', and even a decent number of tourists sort of take it in, or are so overwhelmed by everything that something 'out of the norm' is more, well, normal. ;-)

So, yes, I'm talking about how people deal with the fact that I'm (gasp!) transgendered. A crossdresser. A man trying to look like a woman (and usually doing fine at it, thank you very much :). So I do get some tourists from po-dunk USA (or elsewhere) that are shocked or even a bit scandalized to suspect or even realize that I maybe wasn't born a woman. It still hurts (emotionally; thank goodness I've not been harmed physically) when people are mean, rude, etc. In fact, on this trip, I don't think I had anyone mean or rude to me... (that, or I've blocked out whatever minor nastiness I met ;-).

I definitely do get people that are either neutral or even nice. Nuetral is fine by me; I don't expect to be special. I hope to simply be a woman having a good time in Vegas. Perhaps an attractive or even sexy woman sometimes, but what woman doesn't want to be attractive or sexy at least sometimes?

So I received some very nice treatment, in fact. For example, I went out to the Westin Cassarina for their Happy Hour gambling for some affordable roulette, and the people at the table were very nice to me. We got to know each others' names, made jokes, wished each other luck, etc. People even helped me reach the end of the table, placing my chips for me. I think one conservative man from the UK might have said 'he' instead of 'she' at some point, but that was the extent of 'negative' treatment, and that doesn't really bother me. I think it would bother me more if I was TS, and simply trying to be a woman, but I realize I haven't worked on my voice or even other characteristics enough to earn or expect to be treated like a woman. Be treated decently and humanely, yes. Everyone that is respectful of others deserves respect in return. Anyway, I played for 4 hours on $40, and $10/hour for entertainment in Vegas isn't bad at all! :)

I also had a nice time at a 'gay' (or really 'whatever') club 'on' the strip (near the Hard Rock Hotel, formerly the Aladdin). I absolutely love dancing. It gives me such a natural high, and it's a great workout! But then I said that in the prior post and before. Anyway, a really nice gesture was a guy wanting to dance w/me... so I danced. Though the $5 he pressed into my hand made me uncomfortable; after all, I'm married and not 'for hire' in any case and didn't want incorrect expectations. I told him I was married, tried to return the $, and he sat down. I went over to make it clear I didn't mean to embarass him, and was happy to dance with him. After all, it's only dancing. :) Of course, the $5 paid for one 16 ounce bottle of water. The prices there are ridiculous...

I went to "Fashionistas", a variety show of sorts with music, dance, acrobatics, and some definite 'fetish' themes. I was seated right up front, so I got a great view of the performers and all... though it's a pretty small house, so I think most seats would be good. The house is hidden behind a mini-mall, so it was kinda' hard to find. Anyway, I was seated next to a nice man from Germany. He very politely chatted with me before the show and a tiny bit afterwards. Again, even people from other countries treated me w/respect. :)

I also spent time at the pool at the Tropicana. I stayed there because the room rates were reasonable, and they have a nice pool. I ended up having a couple next to me, and the woman was down from Tacoma, after finishing beauty school and taking a break. It was a little embarassing for me, as I usually do more makeup, and probably a little beard shadow was showing, but I didn't want to do heavy makeup for the pool. At one point I was hanging by the waterfall, about 30 feet or so away from where they were, so I couldn't hear them. I see them talking, look over at me, and then the woman grabbed her man's chest, and squeezed his pec's up and a bit together, to show him how I could have created the cleavage I had. It was pretty hilarious if you ask me. He glanced over, and the look on his face was sort of "Oh."

I don't know if they were debating if I was a guy or not, if I had my boobs done, or what. It doesn't matter, actually. Clearly they knew I wasn't born a woman, so I'd been 'read'. That, however, didn't mean they'd treat me rudely. Again, I was treated with a certain amount of respect; the woman talked with me about whatever, though didn't bring up my gender. I gave her my website (this website), but didn't hear from her... Hopefully she looked at least, and it opened up her world a little. :)

So perhaps tolerance is a better way to describe how most people deal with me. I suspect many of them either think I'm TS or 'simply' a CD, and either way they're respecting me by either being neutral, or treating me like they would any other woman. Considering that's what I want, I'm a happy 'woman.' :)

Love,
Kim

September 14, 2007: Girls' Night Out

So, as the What's New says (or said at one point, if you're reading this after 2007 ;-) I went for a "Girl's Night Out" last night with my friend Tami, and my new friend Leilani. I had such a blast! We went to Gilt for a nice dinner (the panna cotta dessert is delicious!), and then on to the Embers for some dancing (and a little drinking)...

I haven't danced that much, or that hard, in... (Kim thinks to herself)... Wow. I think it was last Halloween, almost a year ago! Sigh. I'm getting old. I mean, I used to go out clubbing more regularly, as I love dancing! I mean, I love it. I get a certain kind of joy moving my body to music that I don't get other ways. Whether that's 'shaking my groove thing' on the floor, or doing a more organized dance like Contra Dance (see Wikipedia's entry), it actually energizes me and lightens my spirit. It's a great workout too!

So, speaking of light spirits, I think I was in fine form last night. I was smiling, laughing, joking, chatting, and otherwise enjoying life and reaching out to others. Whether that was joking w/our waiter Matt (who's very cute :), Brian the gay guy at the next table who handed me his phone (and I got to talk w/a friend of his ;-), or with Tami and Leilani (I hope I'm spelling Leilani's name correctly). I even ended up chatting with Jackie and Sarah (a couple of friends out to relax & have fun) at Embers, since I'd accidentally kinda' gotten in Jackie's way in the ladies' room while I was on the phone w/my sweetie, and went over to apologize. I struck up a conversation, and convinced them (well, mostly Jackie) to get out and dance. I think she was kinda' down, and I know how dancing lifts my spirits...

Leilani is in town for High School and family reunion's. She's transitioned recently, and apparently is getting a very nice reception from family and friends. That is soooo cool! Of course, I think it helps that she looks feminine and seems to have a pretty easy-going personality. Leilani had a camera, and showed pictures, including one where she and her mom seemed to be having a great time! It's really cool to see some love and support for TS's from their own family. Leilani also took pictures of us girls and perhaps I can get some up on my site here...

Speaking of pictures, I do have a couple to share. Here's my outfit for last night; jeans, a t-shirt with a red glittery star, and a belt that says TEASE on it:

Love,
Kim

p.s.: I also added an entry for the 9th, below, that I didn't have time to add on the 9th itself. I encourage you to read it; it's about Taylor Mac (performance artist, playwright, incredible talent) and more mundane things...

September 13, 2007: Do Men or Women Have it Easier, and Mandatory Wearing of Makeup?

So I was on Yahoo Answers again today, and some questions on women in Gender and Women's Studies came up. So here we go:

Question: Do you think it easier to be a man or a woman in today's society and why?

Answer: Neither. Why? Because each has things 'easier'. Simply see all the other answers [on Yahoo Answers] for arguments on either side (I won't repeat them here to simply be 'original' w/my answer).

I would like to point out that there are women that have gone 'undercover' as a man, and can thus begin to understand what it's like to be both a woman and a man. See the book "Self-Made Man" by Norah Vincent.

Then there's Transsexuals (TS's), who at least nominally have lived as both men and women, whether that's Female-to-Male (FTM) or Male-to-Female (MTF) TS's. Now, it can be argued that a TS hasn't 'really' ever been a man or woman, but from whose perspective? From the perspective of gender-- being a man or woman in our society-- the TS has generally lived as both. I think they would tell you it's easier to be the gender they want, vs. the gender assigned to them, because it's easier for *them*

So the answer, I think, is that it's easier to be the gender you're comfortable with, or that society accepts you as, whether that's a man or a woman.

Okay, next question...

Question: Why is it that women think they have to wear make up? [Asker's further explanation: "i'm a woman, and i've never warn make up. except i used to use a "cover stick" for pimples. but hel i dont even care about htat anymore. i go all natural. ihate **** on my face. i dont think its practical to deceive men into thinking youre a super model when youre a normal person. who's with me?"]

Answer: Not all women think they *have* to wear makeup. Some women *want* to wear makeup. I wear makeup because it enhances my features. It draws attention to my eyes, for example.

I am not trying to deceive anyone into thinking I'm a supermodel, nor could I. I'm not supermodel material. I'm also not wearing makeup simply for men's sake...

Now, I have no problem with you not wearing makeup. Do what you want. Let me do what I want.

Oppressed? No. Oppressed is Republicans wanting to outlaw abortion in every case. Oppressed is still learning less than men for the exact same work. Oppressed is being told not to wear makeup because I'm being 'oppressed' by wearing it. Oppressed is many other things; having the *option* to wear makeup is not oppression.

So that was my answer about makeup. Perhaps the irony is that I'm a man (at least in some senses of the word). A man who willingly wears makeup. I also mean every word I said above. I do wear makeup because I want to enhance features like my eyes. What I left unsaid is that I wish I didn't have to wear heavy concealer/foundation makeup to hide the beard shadow, but otherwise I would still wear some makeup most of the time. Maybe not always, but if anything is oppression it's someone telling me not to do something, and this person was telling women (and me ;-) not to wear makeup because we're being oppressed. Please.

Okay, so I put the Yahoo Answers badge on my More on Kim page, so if you want to go see my answers (and questions) you can find them easily... at least for now. :)

Love,
Kim

September 11, 2007: Iraq. 9/11. Dubya... Aiiigh!

So here's what I posted on another blog I have, and I decided to post here (how many blogs do I have? How many does one person need? Well... :)

On this anniversary of September 11, I want to observe that more US Citizens have died in Iraq than those that died from the September 11 attacks. Many, many, many more Iraqi's have died from the US invasion of their country than USA citizens have died due to September 11. The guess is in the tens of thousands, and that may be low.

A friend of mine has the following quote on her blog. I found the source; it's from whitehouse.gov (the official site of the US White House; see White House .Gov News Release):

“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” —George W. Bush (Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003)

Does anyone else see the irony here? I mean, this man has taken our nation and its weapons of mass destruction, and attacked another nation. Without much support (or any if you don't count the ones strong-armed in the UN), and wasting over $500 Billion. Some estimates put the cost at more than $300 million a day ($3,472.22 per second), and the total cost over $700 Billion or maybe $1.2 Trillion (see A NY Times Article on The Cost)

Let's go w/a conservative number of $500 Billion. Enough money to ensure a much safer country against terrorism (the government has ignored its own recommendations there). Enough money to rebuild the a lot of the infrastructure of the USA, instead of some other country that has had its infrastructure destroyed when the USA invaded it. Enough money to ensure safe bridges that don't collapse in rush hour traffic. Enough money to eliminate hundreds dying in plane accidents. Enough money to help reduce thousands dying in traffic accidents. Enough money to reduce the wait at stoplights at least 10%, and probably a lot less in congested areas. Per the NY Times, enough money to allow "... doubling of cancer research funding, treatment for every American whose diabetes or heart disease is now going unmanaged and a global immunization campaign to save millions of children’s lives." Enough money to... well, you get the idea.

Since when is George W. Bush a fiscal conservative? He isn't. He's put the USA into more debt than any other president. He's mortgaged the future of our children, their children, and... well, Trillions of Dollars. Thousands of Billions. A Trillion Dollars; $1,000,000,000,000. You'd have to spend about $31,709.79 each and every second for a year to spend that much money... and we're paying interest on that much money. In fact, way more than a mere Trillion. Even someone with a Masters Degree may only earn $2.5 Million in a lifetime, and that's far from average (high school grads it's $1.2 Million in this country). Anyway, it's no wonder citizens of the USA aren't saving or don't run with a balanced budget (or a balanced budget except for sane debt like an affordable house)... Our own government can't even come close.

There is no connection with Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaida, and Iraq. Probably not to begin with, and certainly not now. There were never weapons of mass destruction there; we were lied to, or at best victims of very sloppy intelligence work. Invading Iraq didn't catch Bin Laden. He's still out there, sending taunting tapes to us and the world, and we (the USA) are mired in a war in a country that is understandably resisting our invasion, and on the edge of civil war in any case. Do I support our troops doing what they're being ordered to do? Yes! (Heck, yes!) Do I support this war and our 'commander in chief'? No! (He** NO!)

So on this anniversary of Sept. 11, we're still scared, still unsafe, bogged down in a quagmire in another country, and going broke quickly. George W. Bush is one of the worst, if not the worst, presidents in the history of the United States of America... and he's not the one who will get us out of this mess. Who will? Can anyone?

I hope this day you find peace.

Love,
Kim

September 9, 2007: Taylor Mac, Stardom, & Me

My partner and I went to see Taylor Mac, in zir show "The BE(A)ST of Taylor Mac." To quote the Time Based Art '07 page, the show is "A subversive fusion of cabaret, political tirade and stark raving fabulousness, Taylor Mac’s Herald Angel Award-winning solo piece is both visually surreal and compellingly human." I laughed soooo hard so many times, and also smiled, and on... So many emotions evoked by this wonderful performer. Taylor's show evoked a mix of joy, sadness, curiosity, sympathy, sisterhood (in an odd sort of way), and a host of other emotions. If you have a chance to see Taylor Mac, and you're not afraid of bawdy, direct, delicious humor and social commentary, then I encourage you to go!

There was one particular scene, where Taylor is lying in bed and... uh, performing a morning routine that men tend to do after being 'wide awake' in some places (I try to keep this is a PG-13 site, you know ;-). Anyway, in this one scene, at one point Taylor thinks of all the things he should or could be doing; solving world social ills, painting, writing, cleaning up, whatever. At that point my partner jabbed me gently with her elbow... reminding me that's how I get at times. I feel all this incredible potential, and worry about how to go use it, and yet I don't. Taylor Mac does... She (he) does in an incredibly entertaining way. Taylor is achieving a level of stardom, and a level of using talents. This makes me envious and also instills a sense of admiration.

Sometimes I feel I have all this potential that I don't use. Why not? What's keeping me back? I don't mean to imply that I could do what Taylor does; I'm not an outrageous, in-my-finery, DRAG performer. That's not it. It's simply that I think I could be doing more than I do. Do you know the feeling? I guess I can chalk it up to mundane things (doing chores, relaxing after a busy work week, travelling all the time for work and somtimes working very long days, etc.). However, life is a choice. I'm choosing to do other things than write, paint, act, or... whatever. Somewhere between being practical (roof over head, family to support, etc.) and impulsive, there's probably a good balanced point where I could do more creative things than I do, and perhaps doing them somewhat as well as Taylor, or perhaps other, different things (that use my talents) as well or better than most people.

I would like to believe that. Believe that I am special in some way. That I have the potential to contribute to the lives of others through art. I am, day-to-day, a practical and technically-minded semi-geek. I do, however, have an artistic and creative side. After all, I wanted to be an architect because it married art and science, creativity and practicality. I moved away from that when I realized very few architects any more actually get to control a good portion of their work; the Frank Lloyd Wrights, I.M. Pei's, etc. are very few and far between. Anyway, I know I have creativity... I'm simply not sure how I can express it given the current life I choose... (except maybe through some creative writing now and then ;-)

This is an important point, BTW: The life I choose. I am choosing what happens in my life for the most part. I am certainly choosing the job I have, to have a family, to support my partner as she goes to school, to travel a lot of the time from work and be gone from my family. I could choose another life, and I both don't want to, and am afraid to.

Fear. That's a powerful motivator in my life, unfortunately. I'm learning to overcome fear. I am getting better at it, and yet I still have a ways to go. I fear sometimes going somewhere crossdressed. I fear I'll fail at the endeavors I might undertake, such as starting a business... A fear that if I quit work or even got a job that cut my salary significantly to have more time for personal life, that I wouldn't actually do all the good things I want to do with that time. This isn't a constant struggle-- after all, I do enjoy my life most of the time-- and yet it's still there. That fear...

So I'll leave you with a thought that I repeat to myself now and then: All we have to fear is fear itself. Taylor Mac ended his/her show, after a well-deserved standing ovation, with a beautiful and intimate rendition of a song based on fear itself, sitting on the steps five feet from where I was sitting. Here's a link to a video starring Taylor Mac, singing "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself"... The video is "Walk".

Love,
Kim

p.s.: Here's a pic on how I looked before the show... one of these days I might be able to post my sweetie's pic...

(and for those of you who are fans of busts, cleavage, low-cut necklines, etc.)

p.p.s.: I like this video (called "Walk") with a song called "Fear Itself" by Taylor Mac so much that I want to highlight it here in my blog:

September 8, 2007: En Femme vs. En Homme

I spend about 95% of my life en homme; presenting as a man. That's a lot. So for that 5%, it's a special treat to be out and about en femme. Presenting, and hopefully 'passing', as a woman.

I was out tonight en femme, w/my partner, to see the movie "Once" (oncethemovie.com). It's a wonderful movie, and I (we) really liked the soundtrack too! I can recommend seeing the movie if it's playing where you live, and maybe check out the soundtrack too.

Anyway, where I started was that I was 'en femme'. It was nice to literally express my feminine side again; it had been quite awhile... Since mid-July, I think. It's a little like going months without stepping outside your front door, or maybe months even being around anyone. However, it's not months without existing, as Kimberley exists every day I'm alive, as she is part of me. I also get to post up here in my blog/diary to show my femme existence... or simply to show my existence. After all, the thoughts, responses to letters, or whatever I may post up here are all mine.

It's definitely easier to be 'en homme' to go out, as I simply have to put on clothes, and maybe shave my face. Sometimes it's hard to spend all the effort to get en femme (or 'dressed'): putting the makeup on my face (I sometimes call it spackle because I have to use such strong covering), about 2-3 layers simply to hide beard shadow. I have to shave my entire body, as chest hair (and even leg or armpit hair) is frowned upon for women. I have to fuss w/a wig, since I'm bald. The rest isn't too bad; I like playing in makeup. Of course, on the other hand, I do get to simply plop on a wig and have my hair relatively ready to go, and there are days where being a guy and having a low maintenance hairstyle and wardrobe is nice.

That being said, I certainly do like being en femme. I get to be pretty, wear colorful fabrics and clothes, enhance the beauty of my eyes, feel my body move differently because of heels, feel hair on my face and neck, etc. So I get an experience pretty different to what I normally have, and it's one that's overall very positive for me.

To give you a picture, here's some from today:

Of course, I think I always look better if the picture is smaller, so please see My Miscellaneous Out-N-About page.

Well, I realize that wasn't weighty thoughts or anything, but I wanted to capture this simple struggle between en femme and en homme, and acknowledge that each has their positive sides.

Love,
Kim

August 15, 2007: Responding to a letter, thoughts on the 'other woman' (etc.)

I recently received a letter from someone asking qusetions and sharing thoughts on the nature of the relationship she has with her trans (crossdressing, or CD) partner. Perhaps prompted by my website, full of pictures and descriptions of being out dressed, along w/my thoughts in this blog/diary. Anyway, I will name my correspondent Ms. X to protect her privacy. Anyway, she has a wonderful sex life w/her crossdressing partner, and the crossdressing is limited to being at home, in private... and is generally very sexual in nature. She wondered why she's not ready to enjoy her partner's dressing more fully, should her partner ever want to leave the confines of their own home, or simply be 'girly' within their home.

Ms. X's questions were interesting, and sparked questions of my own. So below is the edited response I gave to her, again to protect privacy. I will not, of course, share any detail of hers I believe to be personally identifiable, as that's both not relevant and not appropriate. However, I did want to share some thoughts with you that it created for me. So here goes...

First of all, I think it's wonderful that Ms. X and her partner have a wonderful interaction over her (his) dressing! She celebrates what's wonderful about the dressing for them both, when they bring her partner "to life." This is great!

I will switch the 'voice' to what I told her, from time-to-time (when not summarizing ;-), so you can hear my words as I said them to her:

It sounds like you have found an aspect of each other that you enjoy, and that's wonderful in a relationship, whether it's sexual or not. I would hope, and expect, there are many other ways you enjoy your partner. As for the sexual nature of it, what you do in the privacy of your own home, between consenting adults, is great. In fact, as long as there is consent among all involved, the 'privacy' is an optional thing. I guess this goes back to my philosophy: If it's not hurting anyone (they consent with free will), then it's essentially OK by me. I realize there's gray areas there, but I do digress...

You (Ms. X) wrote of feeling in 'competition' w/other women, including potentially your partner if that partner were to go outside your home 'dressed'. I think it's interesting that women feel like they are in competition with other women. There's an aspect to being a woman, in competition w/another woman, that I've only vaguely tasted or fathomed. Perhaps I've only experienced this with or against other trans women, as they are my peers and thus maybe my 'competition.' But competing for what? To be the prettiest? The princess? The most capable, attractive, powerful? I think it's an interesting comment on the socialization of women that they (they, in the context of speaking as a man, vs. a woman ;-) are fundamentally competing for a mate, or esteem, or something else; even when having a mate, and hopefully self-esteem. I suppose I have competed with other men in that role, but it's different. However, to bring this back to Ms. X and her questions, she is-- from what little I know of her-- an intelligent, very educated, very pretty (beautiful), capable woman. Whom, exactly, is she competing against and why? Does she not believe these things about herself?

Even if Ms. X's partner is all of the adjectives or even superlatives I've described Ms. X with, she would be out with a woman of her stature, of her equal. I believe my wife is an intelligent, educated (and working on very educated :), beautiful, capable woman. If Ms. X were out with my wife as friends, would she be in competition with my wife? Is there something different about being out w/a friend, and being out with a lover? I believe the answer is 'yes' for my wife and I... [I am curious about your answer to this.]

[Editorial note: Ms. X replied to my reply, and indicated that 'competition' w/other women isn't exactly it; it's more like 'competition' for her crossdressed lover's attention if their interaction broadened to beyond simply being in their home. However, my comments on 'competition' still stand as a general thing, even if they may not apply to Ms. X :)]

I would say that it is rare, in fact, when a crossdresser is beautiful in the physically attractive sense; so Ms. X's partner may or may not truly 'compete' there with her if she wanted to. Yes, there are beautiful CD's; at least in my eyes. However, even in a broader interpretation of attractiveness as a woman, a CD may not compete... Many, if not all, CD's are not as much of a woman as those born and socialized to be women. This makes sense to me; we spend far less time being women, do not have women's bodies and hormones, and in addition have been socialized to be men. I am not my wife's equal in being a woman, she is more truly or fundamentally a woman than I am. I may have as nice or even nicer [aspects] than her, and she has nicer [aspects] than I will ever have. This doesn't put us in competition, except to tease each other gently now and then about being the sexy bitch we cannot be. I am not as truly pretty as she is; I may take a good picture, and I still have an Adam's apple, a relatively non-feminine voice, a relatively hard jaw. Photo's can be very kind to CD's.

While hormones and surgery can change this masculinity or 'hard edge' for transsexuals (TS's), or those between CD and TS, and they can enter more into the realm of attractive, feminine, or even 'womanly' women, it's not a path many CD's (vs. TS's that start out thinking they're 'simply' CD) take. The hormones, etc.-- the TS path-- is a path I won't walk, as I don't need to walk it to be me. Many of my friends in the community are TS, and it was a question I struggled with for a long time. So, to come away from my tangent about myself, I am not as truly feminine and certainly not as female as my wife. She is, if you will, above me in being a woman; as long as were talking about 'competition'. That is not to say I feel bad or less of a person or a woman because of it. If I were born a woman, I would not feel less of a woman because some other woman was more feminine or more anything. She and I would still both be women.

Anyway, back to the point, I was not born a woman. As a crossdresser, I am not needing to be truly accepted as a woman; at least not 24x7, and more importantly not fundamentally since I have male body parts. I may truly want sometimes to be a woman, but that is not my reality, and is only sometimes my fantasy. I may strive to 'pass', and that is as fundamentally about safety, acting (thespianism), and sexuality as it is about a fundamental desire to be accepted simply as a woman. I've probably said as such in my blog/diary entries on my website in the past.

Ms. X also talked about feeling separated from her partner if they were to go outside their own home (or perhaps even inside their own home). My response: I think I understand about what you say about how the dressing would separate you two. It separates my wife and I, to a degree. She is uncomfortable with being identified in public as a romantic partner of mine while I am dressed. We are two women (if I am accepted as a woman, which is not always the case) linked in public as friends and not lovers, as this is what she wants. [This does, by the way, give us some perspective and sympathy of what gay or lesbian couples face in the sense that they may not feel comfortable being affectionate in public. However, our interaction adds the additional burden of neither of us being gay/lesbian, and thus not wanting, necessarily, to be identified as such. Not that there's anything wrong with it; it's simply not who we are.] So my wife is not always enjoying the experience either. While I would be happy if she enjoys us being linked as partners some day when we are out w/me dressed, I do not expect her to; nor does it usually affect my enjoyment of simply being 'out' (dressed) with someone I love. This understanding of each other has come to us with some hard times, deep talks, and continues to be an area that we learn about and share with each other.

This issue of being out in public has certainly been a source of contention for us, though a relatively rare one. Primarily it's an issue because of me, and my issues around dressing and self-confidence. To return to the theme of competition, my wife feels that she has to compete with me for my attention. Not compete with me to be the princess for others' eyes or attention, but compete with me for attention or even feminine concern and nurturing from me. The self-attraction, or autogynephilia, the "I'd do me," or whatever label or phrase might conveniently (though not completely) describe it, is a challenge for me, and thus for us. I desperately want to be a beautiful woman, and get wrapped up in that; it is my own lack of self-confidence that makes me selfish and needy. I think this is a fundamental issue I still work on in my dressing.

On a tangent, it's a shame that sexuality is such a taboo subject, in general, in the trans community. I think some of the things that Helen Boyd has to say in My Husband Betty is quite insightful, and I think there needs to be a voice in the community for those who are neither transsexual nor the type of crossdressers where "it's not about sexuality at all." [It's possible the latter exists, but I think there are far more CD's than will admit it where there is a sexual component to the dressing. Our society stigmatizes CD's or transvestites as sexual fetishists, and puts shame upon them/us. I don't buy that this is a good or healthy shame to heap upon them/us. Again, who does it hurt?]

I do digress. Forgive me. Back to Ms. X's letter more directly... (back to my responses to her)

Ms. X said that her acceptance of her partner exists along a sliding scale; total or enthusiastic in private, little if at all in public (if it were to move into the public realm). I think all of our existence belongs on a sliding scale. Our gender, our sexuality, our moods, our health, everything. The scale may be small and vary only a little, or it may be large and vary widely. So to say your acceptance of your partner exists on a scale is neither surprising nor unusual. The challenge is, perhaps, to both be okay with where you are, and yet continue to move in the direction you feel you want, or need, to move. If it is not necessary for either of you to change the way in which your partner manifests, then why change it? If it is somehow imperative for you, in who you want to be, to enjoy your partner more broadly than you currently do-- and, as importantly, it's imperative for your partner too-- then you can work towards that. Yes, they can be uncomfortable waters to wade into, and even scary; The unknown depths. Fear can be powerful thing, if you let it; and "All we have to fear is fear itself" comes to mind. I am working to overcome my fears, and often I've found the fear was worse than the reality.

Anyway, I guess I've used a lot of words in the last few paragraphs to say something simple: I do not think less of you for being where you are in your acceptance or enjoyment, and I would hope that you do not think less of yourself either. I would hope that your partner (and your partner as part of your partner) doesn't, and you would need to ask her. Nor would I think less of you for perhaps being fearful of moving from where you are to somewhere else. I think these are natural and human things. I would hope that your and your partner would feel the same. I would hope that you communicate with your partner (as the crossdressed person or not), at a good time, and you work on what each other needs and wants. It is a delicate balance between comfort and exploration; between status quo and change. My wife and I work on this, sometimes more directly or even emotionally than others. I am very thankful for the communication and trust we have with and for each other.

Ms. X summarized at the end or her letter. First complimenting me by saying I am a pretty woman like her, and then on to say she doesn't want to share the limelight or, really, the special and intimate connection she has with her crossdressed partner. She doesn't want to share her partner with the rest of the world, and doesn't currently feel accepting of the idea that her crossdressed partner might want to leave their home crossdressed. So, my response:

First of all, thank you for your kind compliment. I am learning to accept that I'm a pretty woman (whether you add quotes to 'woman' or not is up to you ;-). I have always wanted to believe it, but to the extent I do depends on so many things. I like to think that I am also intelligent, reasonably educated, pretty, and capable... (and even humble at times, though apparently not now ;-). It stands to reason that I am relatively so, as my wife has [decided to] partner with me in life, and I have attracted her to me for some reason. :)

Now, as for your partner potentially taking the limelight away from you... I think my words above honestly boil down to either one of two things: not likely, or (more importantly?) it would be sharing the limelight instead of stealing it as it is possible that you both could be beautiful women doing good work in the community. That, and the fear of competition is perhaps borne from socialization or simply from fear itself. How likely is it that someone who loves you will attempt to shove you out of the limelight? Not likely, and if they do it is likely only their self-esteem, and their need to have the light for awhile. Would sharing, or even giving, that light for awhile be so bad? I will admit that I may have tried to 'steal the limelight' from my wife. This goes back to my discussion of my wife competing with me for my attention, and maybe even for the attention of other trans people who are more attracted to me as a trans person than they are to her as a born woman (but that's another subject).

Finally, as to sharing your partner with the rest of the world, consider how your partner would be shared. Currently parts of it are something intimate that only the two of you share. Would it make it less enjoyable for others to know of your partner when you are in private, sharing of each other? How would others' knowledge of this person interrupt the passion and clear lust that you describe? Can that experience simply exist in addition to others knowing of or seeing your partner? I'd like to point out that you've shared some details of your partner and your interaction with her with me; enough for my imagination to fill in some details. If your partner posted pictures of her wearing decidedly more than you described to me, or wearing something appropriate to leave the house and enter the public eye, would that really be sharing your intimate experience at all? Can you have sole possession of the experience, without sole possession of the person? How would sharing images or words of the person cause losing the quality of mutually enjoying and sharing in each other's bodies, and even in each other's spirits? Perhaps answering these questions will help you answer why you don't want to share your partner with the rest of the world... at least not yet, and maybe never.

I am happy that Ms. X shared her thoughts and questions with me, and am honored that she wanted my thoughts on her questions and thoughts. I am not a counselor, and so my thoughts are not necessarily correct or good. I would encourage whomever is reading this to ask yourself questions as to why you feel a particular way. I would also ask that you, dear reader, consider the idea that if two consenting adults do something (doing something of their own free will) with and to each other-- and don't bring harm to others-- that it is, simply, OK that they do it.

Love, Kim

July 19, 2007: It's my 2nd anniversary!

My sweetie took me out for a nice dinner (and a friend of ours had Lemon Drops waiting for us; thanks Ms. C!). I have a most wonderful partner, and feel sooooo lucky, so blessed, to have her in my life. I wish I could post a picture of her, or us, here. However, not yet. So, here's one of me (can you tell I'm happy? :)

July 14, 2007: Out-n-about again

Today I had lunch w/a friend (Hi Tami!), and then was out for a little shopping. So if you thought you saw a crossdresser doing mundane things like having lunch w/a friend, or shopping at the grocery store... you probably did! :) Here's a picture of what I look like as of today:

So why all these pictures of me (and more-or-less only me) on my website? Well, I think there are a few reasons; thanks for asking!

1. I can't really post pictures of my sweetie (we need for both of us to remain relatively 'stealth' for now)
2. I can't post pictures of my friends w/out their permission, and I don't ever really get around to getting permission... (Hmmnn, I guess I could change that ;-)
3. I am a crossdresser. We're known for taking pictures of ourselves. :)
4. I love photography. I take tons of pictures all the time. I came back from my 2 week trip to China with something like 2000 pictures. So some of the pictures will be of myself...
5. etc. etc. etc.

So. Reason 3: "I am a crossdresser. We're known for taking pictures of ourselves." Why? Well, I think in my case it's because I don't get to be (or look like) a woman very often; I want a record of the woman I become. It doesn't get to be a regular, plain-old-part-of-my-life thing with me. It's a relatively rare treat. A treat to play in makeup, wear pretty clothes, do a bit of 'acting' so that I can 'pass', etc. That's a good part of the reason, but there are others, I think... I honestly think there is some sexual attraction to myself while 'en femme'. After all, I am attracted to women (men too, but only very slightly to some; I'm very much more on the attracted to women side than to men side), and I think I make a reasonably attractive woman. So maybe this is 'autogynephilia', or maybe something else.

I think it's too bad that many crossdressers, including myself, feel the need to deny the sexual component of crossdressing for fear of being labeled a deviant and shamed into not crossdressing. Who are we hurting if we make it a sexual component in private (by ourselves, or between consenting adults)? Who are we hurting simply trying to be women in the world (ones that still wear makeup; the makeup industry should be happy!)? We're generally not trying to pick up on guys or do other things that would be 'deceiving' people with ill intent

Even some of the CD's that pick up on guys are doing so w/the guys' full knowledge, at least that's what I've read (I came close to this once in a gay/straight/whatever bar, ensuring he knew my breasts were fake. However, I decided this was not for me, going home w/some strange guy, and didn't do it. I only have a problem when a CD is picking up on a guy who doesn't know. Mostly because it's dishonest, but also because the CD is likely to be hurt when the guy finds out; not to mention the guy being hurt that he was attracted to a man in 'drag' and that he now has to question his sexuality-- I don't think he does need to question things; if he didn't know the person was male underneath the clothes, then he's not attracted to males.

I don't have a problem with heterosexual MTF transsexuals picking up on guys, as they are women that are attracted to men. For that matter, I don't have a problem w/'homosexual' (lesbian) MTF transsexuals picking up on women, as they are women that are attracted to women. It's maybe problematic for an MTF TS who hasn't had surgery yet to be intimate with people, but there are certainly people (including myself, when I was single) that have no problem being sexual with TS's that haven't had surgery yet (and may not). Yes, I'm probably rare that way, and I firmly believe there are others out there in the world like me.

So I've once again digressed into all sorts of musings about being trans. Now back to my regularly scheduled life... I hope your life is great!

Love, Kim

July 07, 2007 (07/07/07): 7-7-7

No big weighty matters... simply a recognition that today is 07/07/07 (7-7-7), which in the Western/Christian world seems to be an auspicious day as it's the number of God in numerology (as opposed to the number of the devil, which was in June of last year). Lots of people getting married, lots of love going around... :)

Love, Kim

July 3, 2007: M.A.C. Cosmetics, Madeline, & Out-N-About.

I went to the MAC store South of Portland, and had Madeline (totally cool, really friendly, and a wonderful makeup artist) do a makeover on me. She spent a lot of time, and did a wonderful job! She was also fun to chat with, and will be turning 21 in Vegas here soon... (remember, Madeline, "What Happens in Vegas..."). I wanted to try MAC cosmetics, because I've had the choreagrapher for 'La Cage' in Vegas, and my friend Tami, tell me that it's good stuff. Well, I'll let you judge for yourself how they look on me; here's a pic of Madeline and I, and I'll get more posted up someday... (and a thanks to Madeline for being cool w/me posting a picture of her and I on my website :)

June 17, 2007: Pride, & Storm Large (& The Balls)...

Today I went to see Storm Large & The Balls perform live in Portland, Oregon. What an awesome show! Storm has so much energy, passion, intensity, and talent. She (they) played some 'old standards' from prior albums (like 'Hanging with the Balls') and some tracks off of her new 'Ladylike, Side 1' album (see www.stormlarge.com for more on her and her new album). She opened with 'Star Strangled Pusheroia', did their original track 'I want you to die' at some point, and did 'Beautiful' (what an awesome song!) and '(What the F is) Ladylike' (another awesome song!) along the way... as well as various other cover tunes and original tracks.

Storm and the 'boys' were performing at the closing of PDX's Pride Festival, and there was definitely a diverse crowd there. That was fun; seeing a bunch of different ages, body types, sexualities, genders, races, etc. all in one spot. Everybody there to listen to some great music, and see a great show!

My partner and I first discovered Storm when shopping in Northwest PDX; a woman working the shop who was/is a huge Storm fan was playing 'Hanging...' and I had to know who that was... and thus my affection and admiration for Storm and The Balls was born. So if you haven't heard Storm and The Balls' music,... well, I can recommend it. :)

Oh, and news about me... I was simply happy to be out enjoying myself and hanging around good people and good music. :) Here's what I look like now (sort of ;-):

Love,
Kim

June 09, 2007: Belle of the Ball, or Fancy Balls

Ahhh... Saturday. :)

A time to relax, sleep in (get my beauty sleep, as I need it! ), and recharge for the week ahead. I'm really low energy today... don't know why. Actually, I also don't know why I'm bothering to share this, as basically no one reads this. I guess I should update my personal website, outside of the Yahoo 360 world.

Anyway, before I go, as you can see above I played w/my avatar again. It's such a pretty dress... and it would be fun to go to a fancy ball. Not prom in high school, as I'm waaaay too old for that (though I didn't get to wear such a pretty dress to my prom, and would have liked to), but a nice grown-up dance party ball where everyone gets dressed up. No one really does that when they get older, huh? Well, except maybe for New Years' parties, or for the rich that are in the habit of going to fancy dress-up balls.

Maybe someone needs to invent a business around adult 'proms'... Hmmnn... After a quick Google search, I found a 'Geek Prom' in Minnesota, but not one where adults really want to be dressed up elegantly and have a nice dance (and nothing against the Geek Prom; it looks like quirky fun! :). Hmmnn... (sounds of more electrons moving around as Kim Google's again)... Okay, so the San Francisco area has a monthly Queer Ballroom Party where fancy dress is encouraged. That sounds like what I'm thinking of... does it take the Queer/Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/Whatever community to have some fun with fancy dress in a 'ball' atmosphere? Can the straight world (or even the 'gay' world outside of SFO) not match such a cool idea? (I'd go to such an event here)...

I know I can get dressed up to go to the symphony, and it's not the same...

Ah well, enough musing about this... thank you to the one or two of you (besides me) that might read this.

Love, Kim

May 05, 2007: Domestic Goddess Writes

I was doing dishes today, and decided that it was time to change my avatar from something whimsical like a Mermaid to something more realistic (or practical at least ;-) like a Domestic Goddess. So here I stand, in my polka dot dress and red pumps in the kitchen... hee hee

No, I don't really run around my house like a 50's housewife (e.g. June Cleaver) doing chores and all. It's simply the idea that I do actually do mundane things in life, despite all the playing dress-up w/my avatar, or my pontificating on weighty matters sometimes here in my blog.

After all, life isn't always deep reflection or weighty matters. Life is a journey that can be enjoyed at any time, whether it's doing routine tasks like dishes, or out on vacation in some faraway place. I don't think there's any destination in life except leaving it by death (and what comes after death, if anything, is certainly a matter of debate in my mind)... so it's worth living life while one's alive. Not waiting for whatever may come tomorrow, next week, next year, or even after death. Today. This moment. Carpe Diem! :)

Love, Kim

April 21, 2007: IFGE (Part 1), Playing Dressup (Part 2)

As my "What's New" on my main page says, my partner and I went to the IFGE 2007 conference last week. We had a great time! We met really friendly people, went to some very interesting and educational sessions, and buzzed about almost nonstop. As you can see from the agenda for the conference (if you followed the link to the conference), there were many great sessions; w/titles like "Listening to the Wives of Cross Dressers", "Trans Sex and Identity", and "To Tell or Not To Tell: Crossdressers and Their Children". There was a pretty full spectrum of sessions, from 'fluff' (how to select a wig) to serious (like the sessions above).

One of the sessions there was on "Traveling The Middle Path"; Jeanine Russel facilitated. It was going to be more presentation followed by panel discussion, as described in the abstract: "A presentation and panel discussion by three ladies who also have successful lives as men, on the five key reasons to pursue the middle path, and 21 very helpful hints on how to do it well." What it ended up being, since Jeanine was left as the only person to run it (due to last-minute personal emergencies by the presenter and other panelists), was an open discussion about this middle ground between Cross-Dresser (CD) and TransSexual (TS).

It was a really good session. We had a number of intelligent, open, honest, funny people in the room. We also had a diverse crowd, from those who switch back and forth in gender presentation, to those doing 'social transition', to those who'd done hormones and are/were essentially non-op TS for lack of another convenient label. The discussion was very open, and I did my part to try to ensure everyone felt heard and to keep the discussion healthy. [There was a Mental Health professional, Jack, in the room who was simply observing. He observed the issues we were talking about were simply good mental health for anyone; trans or not :)]. Anyway, I came away from the session energized, and hopeful for more sessions where those of us not interested simply in the 'fluff', and not on the TS-Transition (&/or surgery) path, would have a time and place (and voice) to express ourselves.

All that said, while I certainly feel some affinity to "I'm not a typical crossdresser" and "I'm not a TS", I'm not sure 'Middle Ground' covers it either for me. The interesting thing is that I think I'm more of a Gender Queer person. I think I'm more-or-less at the place of "I'd be wearing women's clothes w/out the wig and all if I wasn't afraid of being beat up". Then again, I'm not sure I have the courage to find out if that's true. I've gone to 2 conferences in 'Gender Queer' mode, but they were "Trans Politics & Social Change" in NYC (at CUNY), and "Queering Femininity" in Seattle. So they were either in a conducive conference and/or environment.

I guess I will have to admit that I also really enjoy "playing dress-up." I enjoy the challenge of 'passing' as a woman, or simply getting into that emotional and physical space as much as I can. It's like acting, playing dress-up, and a few other things all rolled into one. I will admit it also helps me to feel pretty, and by that I mean I get to feel good about myself. I actually get to think of myself as attractive... though I'm finally reaching that more in my 'guy side' as well.

So am I a person who wants to socially transition and yet keep the guy parts of my body? No, that doesn't describe me (Keep the guy parts? Yes; at least 99.9%+ of the time. Socially transition? No, I don't have to present as a woman to be me). So what does describe me? I'm not sure. I think Gender Queer comes close enough for now. I'm tired of the gender binary, and I'm ready for something else. :)

Love, Kim

April 20, 2007: Under the Sea...

Time for a new avatar... I'll be in warm water soon, in the sun...

I have a friend who's crazy about Mermaids. I can understand why she is; they're mysterious, beautiful, and most likely purely mythical beauties of the deep.

So, I can't really say my latest avatar is anything but having fun... here, boys... never mind the rocks...

Love, Kim

April 15, 2007: IFGE 2007

My partner and I went to the IFGE 2007 conference. We had a great time! We met really friendly people, went to some very interesting and educational sessions, and buzzed about almost nonstop. As you can see from the agenda for the conference (if you followed the link to the conference), there were many great sessions; w/titles like "Listening to the Wives of Cross Dressers", "Trans Sex and Identity", and "To Tell or Not To Tell: Crossdressers and Their Children". There was a pretty full spectrum of sessions, from 'fluff' (how to select a wig) to serious (like the sessions above).

I did, of course, take some pictures. Not many, though. I can't share the pic's of my partner (yet), so here's some of me... (and I'll try to get a conference page w/more up at some point):

Oh... and... Happy Easter!

Okay, so I know that was awhile ago... at least my avatar changed for Easter. :)

I've kind of always wanted to be a bunny... Playboy bunny would be fine, except that:

1. I do have some issues w/how sexist Playboy is (and the role of 'bunny' is).
2. I don't have the body for being a Playboy bunny.
3. I already have a job. :)

Okay, now that I've updated all 2 or 3 of you that read my blog... I hope your day is a great one!

Love, Kim

March 27, 2007: AltaVista.com Language Translation

AltaVista.com has a really nifty language translation capability for websites, so I've added it to my site. You may click on the flag for your country/language below (or the one near the bottom of the page; they're the same thing) and it will open a new site translated-- hopefully in a reasonable way-- into your language. If I spoke and/or read much of any other language I could have tested it... Ah well, hopefully it's better than nothing! :)

March 24, 2007: I'm out of hibernation! :)

My partner and I went out and had a nice dinner, shopped, & saw a movie ("Pan's Labryinth"). It was a very nice time... I love my partner. She's soooo supportive of me, and simply fun to be with! Here's a picture of me (since posting one of my partner & me would risk me being recognized through her, and that isn't something either of us wants at this point; so it's not simply my vanity why it's only a picture of me...):

March 17, 2007: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! :)

Seeing as how my last name is McNelis (well, at least my ancestral name ;-), from the Ardara area of County Donegal in the North-Western part of Ireland, I do have some claim on being Irish. There is actually another ancestral name I have that's similar, and Irish, but I can't let out all my secrets, now can I?

St. Pat's day, to me, means connecting with a land and people that have an amazing warmth, and in general great talent; and a people that have seen great struggle, fought great prejudice, and have become a strong force in my country (the USA) and beyond.

I hope you enjoy my Irish dancer outfit... I can dance something resembling a decent jig... well, at least if you squint and have a few pints of Guinness. I realize the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow is verrrry stereotypical, and I chose it consciously. There's a symbolism to it; the magic of Ireland, the wealth to be found in the land and its people, the diversity of human life and of Eire (Ireland), and even a few other messages I'll let you take away for yourself. :)

I very much enjoyed my trip to the Emerald Isle (Hmmn... maybe that's where Dorothy was really headed ;-). I've listened to traditional music in Lisdoonvarna, seen glass blown at Waterford, kissed the Blarney Stone, Seen beautiful Connemara marble, the rugged and beautiful land of my ancestors, and so many other things. Ireland is a lot like where I live (in Oregon, in the USA); it's green, varied, and has friendly people (well, Oregon is generally friendly by US standards, but doesn't really hold up to the friendly I experienced in Ireland). Ooops... I do ramble on.

So, for those of you that are Irish, or of Irish descent,... Slainte! [Rough translation: Health! It's a old Irish toast, and when you're in Ireland they'll teach it to you!]

I hope that you enjoy this Saint Patrick's Day, and have a safe and happy one!

Love, Kim

February 07, 2007: OMG! It's possible that Kimberley actually excercises!

It's true! I've actually been exercising w/increasing regularity... and doing step aerobics, no less. Of course, I had done step for about 6-8 years before getting away from it when work (and other things in life) intervened. It feels good to both be back to exercising and to be doing step aerobics.

If you've never done step, and want to try, it's really important to stick with it. It's hard to get the moves at first (at least it was for me), and they come w/practice. Also,... get a good instructor. One who calls the moves well, doesn't throw in too many fancy things, but also who doesn't do the same boring basic moves over and over (not that I've had anyone who really does that). It's usually a really good hour of exercise. A few years back I lost 50 pounds (down to 135 at 5'9") by eating sensibly and doing step 5 times a week... and being active because I had energy and felt great!

You know... the secret to weight loss is eat sensibly and exercise. That's it. No magic diet's or fads. Nope.

Love, Kim

March 3, 2007: Playing Dressup (Avatars, Dressing, and Impacts)

At the top of this years' entry is my Yahoo Avatar. It will change as I change the avatar at Yahoo.

Here's an entry that I made back in September of last year on Yahoo Avatars:

Yahoo Avatar = Playing Dress-Up With Dolls?

So I've changed my avatar again. I like playing w/my avatar. It's kind of like playing Dress-Up with a Doll.

Yes, I realize I'm officially too old for playing with dolls, and yet isn't that sometimes what fashion is about? Trying on different looks and personalities? In stimulating imagination, or playing out a role? Why should we lose our childish imagination and sense of fun now that we're older? So, I say 'play away!' with your avatar. Let it represent how you feel at the moment, or who you want to be, or even try it on and see what reaction you get...

So [in September I had changed my avatar] to a cheerleader w/a purple (exclamation points) background. I'm not really a stereotypical cheerleader type. I don't consider myself a popular girl concerned about appearances and popularity and all... (If nothing else, I'm waaay too old to be a girl ;-). It's more, well,... I feel sometimes like a cheerleader for my friends, and that's the way it should be. That's part of what being a friend is about; cheering someone up while they're down, rooting for them to succeed, putting your energy into the friendship.

Of course, in some ways I always wanted to literally be a cheerleader too, with what that implied to me... to be really pretty, popular, athletic, outgoing, etc. (though not mean. Some of the cheerleaders at my school were mean; some weren't). The pretty I can't really do anything about (well, not without plastic surgery ;-), the popular isn't so important now that I'm out of High School and have grown up (well, at least grown up some ;-), and I'm plenty outgoing for most people. :) Athletic,... well, that I'm still working on.

So before the cheerleader avatar, it was business woman wearing a tiara on the bridge of the Enterprise (NCC 1701-D). This seemed to reflect some of the contradictions of who I am. Involved in business, certainly. A princess (hopefully in the good senses of the word :) at least in some ways. A science fiction fan, definitely. Maybe even a leader at times, though I haven't really worked on those skills... (and I'm not sure I yet have the self-confidence to truly lead, and that's another story).

[End of Entry]

So that was my entry then. What it left out, of course, was the trans side of the equation. Having an avatar, or even getting to be a woman online for that matter, is a chance to be something and somebody that I don't get to literally express in real life. At least not express in a literal way fully. In some ways, then, being a woman online is my chance or way to really be a woman. In other ways, it's my chance to explore being a woman. In yet more ways, it's my chance to be something I'm not, and don't believe I'll ever fully be (which is a woman).

I think somewhere in this diary I've stated I'm not TS. Well... I'm not. While I may have some TS characteristics, and could probably have an OK or even happy life if I were to transition for some reason, I do not have the need to transition. Transitioning, whether that's social (presenting as a woman, and not changing the body) or completely (having SRS) would take away elements of who I am. Those masculine elements are part of who I am, and who I want to be. So being a man sometimes (most of the time, really) is an important part of who I am too. I realize that's maybe a little strange to say on this site devoted to the feminine/female me, and yet please realize one of the reasons I don't have the masculine/male me on here is simply because I don't want to 'out' myself to people who don't need to know. If we lived in a society where my being trans was at least neutral-- or maybe even in a society where I wouldn't be fired because of it, where I had some legal protections that were strong enough to prevent a boss from making my life hell to the point of wanting to quit-- then this site would show more of the Yin and Yang that is me. This site would have more of a balance; the Yang along w/the Yin that is expressed here.

Hmmnn... there I go again getting philosophical and political. Well, the reality is that philosophies and politics affect us all. Even if you don't want to get political over being trans (or not being trans), you are. If you take no action, you have made a choice. "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." [I learned this last phrase from a Rush song :)] So please forgive me my philosophizing and politicking here in my Diary,... and that's really part of what a Diary (Blog) is for, yes?

So, back to playing dress-up, because in some ways that's what being a crossdresser (transvestite) is about for me. Playing dress-up. I get to dress up in pretty things, play in makeup, try on different hairstyles (wigs. Since I'm pretty much completely bald, playing w/hair at all is fun :), get to pretend. So this is much like having an Avatar that I get to play dress-up with; the difference being that it's In Real Life (IRL) vs. simply Online. Yes, in some important ways it's more than dress-up and pretending. Yes, there is a sexual component to it... [even though crossdressers don't like to admit this, it's true for at least this crossdreser]. I am getting in touch w/the inner feminine; the 'Anima'. Does it really matter to what extent it's more than dress-up; to what extent it's sexual vs. inner expression? Play vs. seriousness? After all (and as I've stated often enough in my diary, I think), if I am not harming anyone by my crossdressing, then what should it matter why I crossdress?

I imagine there are those that would read my entries, look at my pictures, read about me, see me on the street or at the symphony or whatever, and beg to differ with the 'It doesn't harm anyone.' I don't have to totally imagine, because I've faced harassment for being dressed (in public). I've been spat upon, laughed at, had menacing remarks made, etc.; and that's actually pretty tame compared to what many trans people have faced. So, for those people that react poorly (IMNSHO: In My Not So Humble Opinion), are they being harmed? I imagine that I am 'harming' their sense of self, or their sense of society and life. By being who I am, I challenge their notions of gender, and what's 'right' in the world. So I've made them step out of their comfort zone, and thus they are uncomfortable. Is that harm, however?

From www.Dictionary.com:

harm      /h?rm/     Spelled Pronunciation[hahrm]  
–noun 
1. physical injury or mental damage; hurt: to do him bodily harm.  
2. moral injury; evil; wrong.  
3. to do or cause harm to; injure; damage; hurt: to harm one's reputation.  

Well, at a minimum, I am not harming them any more than they are harming me by their reactions. However, looking at each definition:

1. Physical injury or mental damage.
   • Physical injury? NO. No. I would not, and do not, cause bodily harm to anyone, ever, if I can help it. Dressed or not.
     
   • Mental damage? Hmmmnnn... Do I intend to? No; most definitely not. Do I? Well, I am not in control of other peoples' mental state, and whether it damages them or not. Is it possible that, by simply being me and trying to 'pass' as a woman, and them recognizing that I am not (in particular, was not born as) a woman, that such a recognition causes them mental damage? Maybe; maybe not. I doubt that I mentally damage most women, and even most men who are comfortable that it's my issue (my 'problem') and not theirs. People that are fairly well-adjusted mentally. [Not that there's enough of those people in America, or in the world, but that's another topic. ;-)] If a macho guy was attracted to me (as a woman) realizes that I am not a woman-- and assumes that I have male body parts-- then that might damage his (fragile) mental state. He has to face the fact that he found someone he perceived to be an attractive woman to not be a woman. What does this mean to him? That he's gay; that he found a man attractive? Well, he might, but I don't think that's what it means. If he found a woman attractive, he's attracted to women. If he realizes the person he was attracted to isn't a woman, might have 'male parts', and he is no longer attracted, then clearly he's not gay. If he's still attracted, well, then that does cause a challenge for his sense of self, and could be 'harmful' in the short term. However, did I cause the mental damage, or was I simply the trigger, or the catalyst, for the harm he does himself? I did not set out to challenge his sexuality or mental state; I was simply doing my best, in fact, to simply be regarded as a woman. So if looking at mental damage goes to intent, I don't intend to cause mental damage by crossdressing. Furthermore, I would argue it's not me doing the damage any more than it is him, society, and a host of other factors that cause men to be repressed. The same could be said for women who were attracted to me, but how many lesbians would be challenged by me, or even how many straight women being attracted to me even though I want to look like a woman? Not many, if any, I would think.
   
   
   
2. Moral injury; evil; wrong. Whoo. This is a tough one. Am I morally wrong to want to look like a woman? Well, I would argue in general the answer is no, though it depends upon what I'm doing. How I'm being a woman, or a crossdresser, in the world. I think that if I'm trying to pick up on men, that don't know I have still have male parts (that I have not transitioned), and I am not upfront w/them before being intimate, then I think I would consider that wrong. I don't do this, BTW (By The Way). I'm married, so I wouldn't do this; I am committed to my partner. Perhaps as importantly, and certainly more fundamentally, I'd consider it wrong to deceive anyone in that way, and I really try not to do things that I believe are wrong. Of course, I would also place myself at risk by wanting to be intimate w/someone who wanted a woman and didn't find one when the clothes came off. I try not to place myself in harm's way-- in danger of physical (or sometimes mental) harm from others-- too often either. Depends upon the necessity of doing so. Certainly the topic of moral injury, evilness, or wrong-doing is a broad one that could be deeply debated. Fundamentally, however, I don't believe what I'm doing is morally wrong. I am not doing evil unto others, and I am certainly not trying to hurt them.
   
   
3. To cause harm to, injure, damage, or hurt. Again, I imagine this could be debated. However, except maybe for the mental damage discussed above (and, again, it goes to intent and also who's really causing damage to whom), how am I damaging or hurting someone by simply trying to be a 'normal' woman in the world? How do I injure them by passing them on the street? By going to the movies? Even by dancing at a club? I would argue that none of these things should harm, injure, damage, or hurt others. No more than someone in a wheelchair, who is of a different race, burned and scarred, has Down's Syndrome, or has any other 'unusual' or 'distinctive' physical characteristic.

Well, I think that's enough philosophizing and debating w/myself (and, indirectly, you) for today. May your life be peaceful, and without harm. :)

Love, Kim

March 03, 2007: Misc. Updates to my site

March 01, 2007: A Girl Can Dream, Can't She?

So I'll make this short... I never got the opportunity to do ballet class as a child. Am I going to go do a class now? No, probably not... my life is too full as it is. However, having the ballet outfit and class for my avatar at least let me virtually go there... thinking what it might be like if I could:

1. Go on point
2. Smile while doing it
3. Actually look good in a tutu

So, I don't think I'd do ballet for those reasons, and a few others... May your dreams come true. :)

Love, Kim

February 4, 2007: The Stupor Bowl

So it's Super Bowl Sunday, and I am not in the stadium watching football. I don't generally watch football. Even if I were to watch football, I've heard that the Super Bowl is the Super-blowout bowl; that it is usually lopsided and someone wins by a lot. So it's not a close contest. Why do people get so excited about that? Why do people who are rabid fans of their own team, teams who are not playing in the Super Bowl, still watch a game that isn't close or that they cannot connect to in some important way? Is it the Stupor Bowl, or am I misinformed?

However, I am outside of the stadium in my cute new outfit (well, at least my avatar is). Actually... I am watching at least some of the commercials... particularly because some only run during the game itself. So perhaps the advertisers really are getting their $80,000 per second's worth out of the ad's. Perhaps not. After all, how much good would those millions do for their image if they spent it on good works instead? I suppose not enough...

'Urban' legend has it that today is a day of highest domestic violence towards women. According to http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/superbowl.asp this isn't so. Is there more violence? Maybe. Any violence at all isn't cool in my book. While there is some domestic violence against men, mostly it's men's violence against women. What's wrong w/a society where violence towards another, particularly someone that you supposedly love, is tolerated? What's wrong is many things... including strict gender roles for men that include having to be 'tough' and 'manly'. While testosterone can maybe explain some aggression, it doesn't excuse violence... and it cannot explain why women end up in shelters, running from some man in their life.

I know of women who've died at the hands of their 'man'. I'm not sure a man is someone who'd be violent towards anyone; particularly not his partner. A man is someone mature and responsible enough to take what life throws at him without being violent towards others. So I hope there's no violence towards others today, let alone more. It's a 'Polyanna' hope in the USA (my country), and probably others.

Hmmn... I know I wandered into domestic violence from the Super (Stupor) Bowl. I'd rather see men (anyone, really) watching the Super Bowl eat themselves into a stupor, rather than spread violence on anyone. Heck, I'd maybe even be OK seeing them drink themselves into a stupor as long as they don't drive or really don't have their drunken state cause any ill to themselves or others. There's that Polyanna hope again... after all, alcohol abuse is a nasty problem in this country. [I'm not advocating abolition (it didn't work, and won't work), but I am advocating awareness and responsibility.]

After all, the beer companies (Budweiser in particular) are going to be spending tens of millions of dollars to convince people (mostly men) to drink more beer... and do stupid things like hit someone else w/a rock over a beer, disrespect a wedding over a beer, or even slap each other instead of give a cool, nonviolent greeting. [Yes, I now have watched enough Super Bowl commercials to be disappointed; particularly with Budweiser. Their message is icky. I hope their sales go down in flames, and they have to apologize for their nasty commercials...]

Okay, enough ranting about violence, drunkenness, and the ill effects of the Stupor Bowl.

All 1 or 2 of you that read my blog (and read this entry all the way to its end) can get on w/more productive things in your day.

Peace,

Kim

January 31, 2007: My Birthday!

Hi Everyone! (Yes, that means the one or two of you that drop by once in a blue moon)

It's my birthday! Yay! Time for a new avatar!

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear... me, Happy Birthday to me!

My friends and loved ones have been really sweet, and have been calling me. I am blessed w/people in my life that love me. Life is good. :)

Love, Kim

January 30, 2007: Astrologically Speaking...

So for my birthday (which is coming up soon), I got offered a 'free' reading based on my birthday, and gender. I kind of wonder how my reading would have come out w/another gender. Anyway, the 'free' reading I got was peppered w/annoying ads, I had to give my email address, etc. However, that's what junk email addresses are for! ;-) Anyway, after wading through all that stuff, here's what they (www.astrology.com) said about me [I got sent to the same place as anyone else could have gone, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel special from this lame 'special offer' that the folks at BirthdayAlarm.com sent me]:

The Inner You; Your Real Motivation: You are a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual, and you insist upon living your own life as you see fit, even if that means ignoring convention and tradition. In personal relationships you cannot be owned or possessed, and while you are willing to share yourself with another, you do not always adjust easily to the emotional give and take of a close relationship. Though intellectually open, you can be enormously stubborn, opinionated, and inflexible on a one-to-one level. You have strong convictions and feelings about fairness and equality, and you try to live by your ideals, but your ideals about how people SHOULD treat one another don't always take into account human weaknesses, differences, and needs. You probably dislike sentimentality and traditional gender roles and "games".

Soooo... I don't really know that this is me. I agree w/some of it, but in some ways it's totally not me. I am sentimental about some things. I dislike some things about traditional gender roles, and yet totally embrace other things. I don't like 'games' that play with people and their emotions. I am "a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual" and yet I'm not so sure I do a lot of "ignoring convention and tradition".

So what am I trying to say? I have come to the conclusion, after almost 43 years of being on this planet, that Astrology is basically a bunch of hooey. Malarkey. Or, said in proper English, Astrology is not a reliable nor accurate method as a predictor of one's behavior, nor of situations and reactions to those situations. Or, according to Dictionary.com, Astrology is "the study that assumes and attempts to interpret the influence of the heavenly bodies on human affairs." Bah.

So that's my random thoughts for today... :)

Love, Kim

January 20, 2007: Frappr map

I have added a "Frappr" map (guestbook type thingy) to my More on Kim page. I still do have some more thoughts in my diary. I may move this to the Contact page (as guestbook), if it's relatively immune to spammers.

January 19, 2007: On asking God questions...

I answered yet another question on Yahoo! Answers (I can quit anytime. Really. ;-). The question was, essentially, what question would you ask God when you see "Him."

My answer:

Why am I here?

Don't get me wrong, I've lived what I think is a good and moral life. I've tried to increase the love in the world, like I see some (very few) true believers in God doing. So I have some hope that, even though I'm not a Christian, Budhist, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, etc. that I can reach a place like "Heaven" and see "God" if such a place exists.

I simply am Agnostic (tending towards Atheistic), and don't see enough evidence of God or those who worship God (particularly in the Christian-heavy USA) to believe that following a God causes good things to happen. I see wars fought in God's name (even though Christians say 'Thou Shall Not Kill' and that it's God's job to judge). I see so many examples of people claiming to do God's work that don't seem to match even the 10 commandments.

Now, all that said, I do see *some* of God's followers increasing the love in the world. In doing good and charitable work. In sharing their opinion quietly and confidently w/those that don't believe as they do, without the threat of Hell or damnation or the like. It's those people I gravitate to, regardless of their religion. They are simply good people, increasing love in the world. They are wonderful ambassadors for their religion, and more importantly (to me at least) for being good in this life, here and now, as it matters as much or more as how life will be in Heaven.

What I don't get is how at least 2 of the world's major religions-- not to mention even 2 different sects of Christianity-- believe that if one does not follow their religion, then they will not make it into the equivalent of "Heaven." If that's the case, then no one's making it into Heaven.

So I return to my original answer; I would ask Her/Him: Why am I here (How does anyone get to Heaven when no one should, and how did I get here without believing in a particular religion)?

[and in response to the asker of the question:] I certainly do hope that your God exists, and that you get to ask Him your questions... and get answers. I hope that time comes when you are ready for it, and your life has been filled with good, and spent increasing the love in the world.

Love,
Kim

January 17, 2007: A Hope in Karma (and recognition of Yin and Yang)

Now, given my title, you'd expect maybe a grand philosophizing about spiritual or religious doctrines like Karma, the Tao, and Yin and Yang. No, unfortunately, this short little missive at the end of my day is a bit more mundane...

I hope that the jerk that knocked over my snow-person and stuck a beer bottle in the part that was left receives some karmic bad luck based on what they've done (perhaps evoking a bit of "My Name is Earl's" simplistic view of Karma, and perhaps with similar comedic results at the expense of the jerk that did this).

Yes, I realize this is not the point of Karma. I am, in fact, trying really hard to let go of this misdeed, and simply trust that 'what goes around comes around.' I put my snow-person back together, though he or she (it's kind of hard to tell; thus the snow-person vs. snowman ;-) will never be the same again.

I also realize there is yin and yang to life. Good and evil, dark and light. I realize that there are evil, inconsiderate, nasty, troglodytes that walk in human form that would do something like this to someone's creation (on their private property). I simply don't like it when they cross my path, and do harm to what I love.

Yes, this is pretty small on the scale of what could have happened. If my home had been robbed, or my family hurt, or some such I would be much more upset, outraged, hurt, confused, etc. than I am now. That's not the point though. The point is that there shouldn't be any level of evil, nasty, selfish, scummy, jerkishness in the world. Why is it that we cannot get along, be nice to each other, and respect each other?

The point is that it's even these small things that are a symptom of a larger problem (at least here in the USA): Self-absorbtion. Lack of respect. This attitude of it being 'all about me, and what I want.' I can almost hear them think to themselves 'If I want to kick over a snowman and jam a beer bottle in it, and I think it's fun and funny, then I'm gonna' do it. After all, it won't really hurt anyone; it's only snow.' I have news for those of you that think this is innocent fun: It's not. It hurts. It shows you're callous, and you don't give a da** about other people. It shows you're mean, nasty, arrogant, self-absorbed people. I hope Karma comes around...

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system... I fervently hope that whomever wrecked my snow-person both doesn't do it to a human, and realizes that being mean sucks. I hope they realize that doing good in the world will get you a lot farther than being mean.

So much for a 'short' missive. Thanks for listening, all of you who read this...

Hello? Hello? Anyone there? [Ah well, this is mostly for me anyway...]

Peace, Kimberley

January 14, 2007: Charitable Giving (and Fools)

As I (my wife and I) try to do charitable giving each year, we pick charities that match our world view, priorities, hearts, and hopefully also will do good things with our money... in an efficient and effective way.

In thinking about when I've given money to people or charities though, there have been times when I haven't been as rational or smart as I could have been. In fact, there's a saying that I'm reminded of, that goes something like "A fool and her money are soon parted." I have given money to a guy outside a convenience store who said he simply needed $1 to put in enough gas to get home. I was skeptical, but he was both persistent and a little scary. So I gave him $1 or $2. I watched him then get out of the car that looked stolen (because the lock had been popped out; I noticed this afterwards), and go right in and buy alcohol. I got out of there, upset and ashamed at myself for being 'taken' like that.

So I was that fool whose money was gone. I pretty much resolved from then on to give to charities instead of individuals. On a very rare occasion I will still give to an individual. If they're asking for food, I may give them food or offer to buy them something; I really try not to give cash to people on the street anymore. I do, however, try to give to charities. That is, of course, where I've also been a 'fool' on occasion...

Some 'charities' or 'non-profit' organizations are hardly charitable, and some aren't even really non-profit. For example, some of the credit counseling businesses that prey on those that are already financially down; they pay their staff huge salaries, and don't really help those that are in need. It's obscene, and I think the US government is finally getting a clue and doing something about it.

Then there are the charities that really are out trying to do good work for their stated purpose, and yet aren't doing so well at getting the most of every cash donation to those they are trying to serve. Some charities, even nationally-known charities, spend 25% on raising funds. Combined with other administrative expenses (paying for accountants, lawyers, staff, offices, whatever) they really don't get much-- or, really, as much as they could (and should, IMNSHO)-- of the money to whomever they're trying to serve.

Of course, there is the argument that giving some money to charity is better than giving no money to charity. In addition, there are charities that do a really good job of keeping their costs (expenses, including fund-raising) low, and getting over 90% of the cash donation to those whom are served.

So how does one know whether a charity or non-profit is really doing good work, and doing so effectively? Well, one way is to use a website that gives information and/or rates charities. For example, I've used the following resources with varying success to find and rate a charity within the United States:

http://www.charitynavigator.org (Opens a new window. I like this one...)
http://www.guidestar.org/ (Opens a new window. Requires free registration.)
http://www.give.org (Opens a new window. A Better Business Bureau site.)

In the United States, charities that have over $25,000 of revenue are required to submit a Form 990 about how they have used money, etc. The GuideStar site seems to have these (and you can get the form without paying anything).

(I asked this as a question on Yahoo Answers What resources do you use, if any, to check out charities before giving money to them?)

So, I think there are ways to not be that fool who loses her money... What do you think? :)

Love,
Kim

January 13, 2007: Cleaning House

So I've been cleaning house... Changed my avatar, working on the mess at home, and working on the mess in my mind. The mess in my mind is the fear. The fear of failing, the fear of the uknown, the fear of not being liked. Not that I'm cleaning out all of it, or even much of it. I'm simply cleaning. It feels good to make progress; to tackle things that seem overwhelming. It's not an all-or-nothing thing, you know. It's possible to spend a little time, and get a little done, and pretty soon there's tons of things done. :)

So this entry is one of those little things.

Love, Kim

January 9, 2007: Regarding CD's, TS's, and the rest of us...

I have once again been writing to a friend, and thinking about being trans. My friend was talking about how transition can be a shining light. I said to my friend:

As for transition... there are a few of us (and it seems like a precious few 
with secondary 'TS characteristics') who don't need to transition to be whom 
we are. So, yes, transition is a shining light for some. For others.... it's 
the headlights of an oncoming car, and the poor dears [pun intended] don't know 
what else to do.

My friend replied with:

You faced [the thought of, and pressure to, transition] too, and I'm beginning 
to wonder if there aren't many more girls out there as well? Do they/you feel 
ignored by the T community filled with TS's, and CD's ?

So, in reply to that (and because I like hearing myself think... ;-)

My wife reminded me about Holly Boswell's article The Transgender Alternative (opens a new window). She (my wife) emailed it to me early last year. It's interesting that I pretty much came to a lot of the same conclusions about a spectrum of gender possibilities, etc. on my own; and Holly had already written a thorough, insightful, good essay on the subject. Anyway, I think it would be good for anyone trans to read it. Maybe also read my thoughts on gender too. Once reading those sources, the reader (you) may then want to check out wikipedia (opens a new window) to look up some of the terms or thoughts... I think, in general, the wikipedia contributors have done an excellent job on the trans and gender entires.

Are there many more trans folk out there that are somewhere between CD and TS? Or something different than (or even orthogonal to) those terms? Yes, I think perhaps there are. It would be interesting to know how many... I sort of tried to get at that w/the poll on here on my website, but that hasn't gotten many responses (most of my visitors look at the pic's and then leave).

As for my friend's final question... do I feel ignored? Not too often; particularly since that implies cognizance of existence. Excluded? Not necessarily; once again the question of existence pops up. Much like some of the gay/lesbian community seems to think being 'bi' is a transitory state, or as people that are either confused or amoral somehow, I sometimes think CD's and TS's can miss the spectrum. There's a presumption that if you're trans and not CD, then you must be TS (as the only other choice in their bi-transgendered world) and be working to be living full-time. I've seen this pretty strongly, even from TS's that have respect in the community and speak at conferences.

This bias for "C'mon, be one or the other" is one of the reasons I went to Esprit en homme. As a man. A transgendered man, but not in DRAG, en femme, or however else one might say it. It was a great experience! My dance card was full, and I know I opened some eyes. I helped people remember that simply being oneself, and being happy with who you are, is very important.

Having said all that, if forced to put myself in one box, I am fundamentally a CD. For now. I cross-dress, and probably less than 5% of my life is spent in clothes 'of the opposite sex.' I have experimented w/the 'Gender Queer' thing of wearing "women's clothing" and presenting as a man, and that's been only twice in public. So while I may defend my ability to define myself how I want, and as something different than a CD or TS, I am not too bothered if someone lumps me into the CD category. Well, as long as they both honor the fact that I'm more than 'a man in a dress' and-- to borrow terminology from Eddie Izzard-- I'd prefer they see me as more of an "Executive Transvestite" instead of a "Weirdo Transvestite."

Maybe sometime soon I'll write more about Eddie Izzard. He is, at least in some ways, living a life I would be tempted to (and even hope to) live. Eddie is, as far as I know, an Executive TransvestiteL A successful, funny comedian who happens to also be an 'out' transvestite/cross-dresser.

Love,

Kim

January 06, 2007: Thoughts on relationships, being T, etc.

So I have once again been writing a friend, and this has spurred incessant rambling that I feel compelled to share w/all 2 or 3 of you that read my diary. Aren't you the lucky ones? ;-) Okay, here we go...

My TS friend was talking about not really having friendships w/men, and not really understanding them. I have not really had close relationships w/men either. They do seem relatively interested for the most part in sex (or sexualizing women), sports, cars, and... sports, cars, and sex (though I will admit to appreciating cars; my family has always been into fixing, racing, or otherwise appreciating cars). I am fortunate enough to have one close male friend, and some more semi-close male friends, and all of my closest friends have been women throughout my life.

Of course, most of my closest women friends have been ex-girlfriends. As in romantic partners. Simply because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that I cannot love and respect these women as friends. I was fortunate enough to have 5 or 6 ex-girlfriends (along with about 55 other friends) at my 40th birthday party awhile ago; they're good people, and I'm glad I have good friends in my life of either gender. I am also glad for my wife; my best friend, partner, traveling companion, soulmate, and love.

There I go again, talking about myself though. Sorry. Back to my friend... I think most TS women relate to women, and to being a woman, better than to men. Another TS friend of mine is certainly into discovering and dating men; and I think it's as much to do with her fulfilling the kind of woman she wants to be as enjoying hanging out w/men. That being said, she has 2 boys and is close to them, so can relate to the masculine side in an appreciative way of some sort.

Hmmnnn... left the track about my friend again. Sorry... I have a highly tangential brain. So, as for her and her relationship to/with men... remember that at least some of what you experienced w/men is the way they were socialized to be. Anyone engages someone new w/small talk, and for men it's around those subjects of cars, women, sports, or even the weather. I know it's possible for men to move beyond that, and it's definitely harder for men to make an emotional connection. Men are socialized to hide their emotions at some level. To deny them. To not cry, to not hug, to not...

Now, I know that you (well, the women among you that are reading this) know at least some of this. As someone who's more in touch w/men than you, I guess I'm simply trying to take a stab at de-mystifying them. I think we need to remember that men are human too; that they have some biological/hormonal differences that account for some of the behavior (e.g. the testosterone discussion we've had), and yet they are emotional beings and our society is simply denying that for the most part. That's thankfully changing (and I honestly wish I could help change it more quickly somehow), but it's unfortunately the case that most men-- at least of my age-- are very discouraged from showing emotions. From being 'effeminate,' as if showing emotions is solely the realm of women instead of men.

I think in my diary here on my website I've talked about the power of identity and wanting to be seen for whom one really is. I don't want to be seen as a gay man; I want to be seen as a man that isn't afraid to be a fully-realized human being, one that can be tough or can cry 'like a little girl.' A being that can have the same characteristics (at least emotionally) as any other human; perhaps in different measure.

The Myers-Briggs personality typing system talks about 16 different personality types. Not a box that someone must fit in; more like a preference for behavior. Like the fact that there are millions of colors possible, we divide them into the main colors of the rainbow. It's pretty silly that our society insists on a 2-colored rainbow of gender, or even of sex/body type. There are more realities than the 2 that everyone is expected to cram themselves into...

Ooops. There I go on my philosophizing or soapbox again. Sorry. I realize that you (my friend; or the T women that read this) in all likelihood know all this, and have thought about it at length; perhaps even in these terms and words. I enjoy reminding myself sometimes... that I don't have to be stuck in the bi-gendered system, and yet that there are people perfectly happy not questioning the system or their gender. There are people that don't like being challenged by the existence of other genders, of other realities beyond theirs. While I try not to be too 'in your face' about it most of the time, I might say to them "I exist! How I am is okay for me, and how you are is okay for you. I don't need to change you to be more like me, and I expect that you don't need to change me to be more like you." I know that I'm doing that, in some ways, non-verbally when I don't 'pass.' Being 'read' as a man trying to look like a woman (if nothing else, so that I'm not killed, beat up, or otherwise harassed for being a man in a skirt and heels) does do the non-trans person the service of knowing that we T-folk exist, and are not going to hide at home to be who we are. It reminds them that we have as much legal protection (at least in the USA) to be who we are as they do.

Well, except for when we want to go to the bathroom [you knew I had to go there eventually, didn't you? ;-)]. Those of us that are MTF that have an "F" on our license have it easier, but can still be challenged or even unfairly treated. As a tangent, those of us that are FTM that have an "M" on our license, or even that don't, are usually better off there; FTM's seem to 'pass' better. After all, a man is simply a masculinized woman due to the Y chromosome; the XX is the default in nature, and we all essentially start out the same until testosterone does its thing on some of us.

Okay, enough rambling for tonight. I wish you all a fulfilled life! :)

Love,

Kim

January 2, 2007: Happy New Year, Happy New Second (and Happy New Me?)!

Well, it's a New Year, and it was time for a new avatar. Happy New Year!

I'm going to make this brief, since almost no one reads my blog here anyway... I have the opportunity to be a new me. Of course, the funny thing is... (wait for it)...

I have the opportunity to be a new me every day. Carpe Diem; Sieze the Day! I am, in fact, a new me each moment I live and breathe. I am slowly growing older, slowly dying. I have this moment in which to live. This second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade... I do not so much want to look to the next decade as live in each moment. Each hour or minute would be nice; each second I may or may not obtain.

That's not to say that I cannot or do not look ahead in life. I do look ahead. I plan for unexpected things. I have an emergency fund. I have insurance. I have plans for the future. Planning and looking to the future can really help. Getting stuck in wanting a certain future does not. It's much easier for me to say that than do it, and I can at least remind myself of this.

So I wish you a Happy New Year... and a happy new second. :)

Hugs,

Kim

January 1, 2007: Weighty Issues vs. "Hot Or Not?"

So, last year's Diary entries (including the one from yesterday) contain all kinds of philosophizing on weighty matters, or at least me pondering the nature of being trans and how I relate to the world because of it. Yes, I do have some pictures and other stuff in my diary (mostly from the "what's new" section of my main page that I copy to my diary when the year is over), and I try to tackle my thoughts and struggles and all.

So, even though I will still continue to share those thoughts, I'm going to do a pretty vacuous or very non-feminist type of thing. I'm going to share with you my rating at hotornot.com. Yes, I've put up a picture or 2 on hot or not, and asked for ratings. So if you want to rate me, and see my rating, then click here: http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=KSOEGLN-NDF (opens a new window). My rating, as of today, is 7.6; based on 3553 votes.

Of course, you can also go to My Hot or Not Rating Page (as of Jan. 1, 2007) to see what my rating was/is as of today. It also has a link to where you can rate me. (Then again, that's only one of my pictures... I have another one up that's gotten an 8.7 rating for 2009 votes. :).

So it's kind of sad that I've reduced myself down to a picture to be voted on, huh? However, most of the visitors to my site head straight for the pictures pages, so I'm kind of simply obliging them. In fact, over 90% of the visitors go to my pictures page, and only about 3% come to this Diary (blog). So another day I'll think on weighty trans and/or feminist issues. Today, it's all about insecurity and wanting to know if I'm hot... or not.

(So am I hot? Please say yes. ;-)

From my What's New on January 1, 2007: I've put up a picture on hot or not, and asked for ratings for the last 3 years or so. So if you want to rate me, and see my rating, then click here: http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=KSOEGLN&key=NDF (opens a new window). My rating, as of today, is 7.6; based on 3553 votes. Of course, you can also go to My Hot or Not Rating Page to see what my rating was/is as of today (as of Jan. 1, 2007). BTW, if you want to know more about me, my thoughts, weighty matters, etc. then [being here in] my diary is probably a good place [to be...]

Please see my Diary for 2006 for more diary entries.

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