Kim's Thoughts on Relationships

I always used to dread bringing the TG subject up when I was dating... never knowing when the time is right. It also sort of bothered my honesty gene (yes, I think it's a fundamental part of my DNA ;-) to not be open about my being transgendered. Not to mention both myself and the other person could be in for heartache if they don't take it well. So I've been pretty open with all my partners about my dressing; particularly as I've come to like and even love myself; including my transgenderedness.

So it's even more wonderful that I have found an awesome, supportive partner... and we are married! Woohoo! July 19, 2005. The White Dress and everything... (one of these days I'll get a wedding page up here ;-). I love my wife very much, and she loves me too (and one would hope so if we're married ;-).

I do, in fact, feel blessed that my partner and I can actually legally get married and enjoy the 1,000 of priveledges that come with that. It makes me upset that gay and lesbian partners cannot marry, or cannot even at least be recognized in a domestic partnership w/the same rights and priveledges as marriage, in most states in the USA, or even most places in the world. Of course, my wife and I can only get married because our gender-binary-focused world still considers us "opposite" sexes; though in some states even if I changed genders/sexes we'd still legally be married as man and wife... but that's another topic.

Anyway, it is not only my one partner that has been open-minded and supported me. For example, it was nice to have placed an ad on an internet service as a TG person way back in 1997, and to have met someone open-minded enough to get to know me. This resulted in a relationship that lasted a year, and had some wonderful times... and didn't end because of my dressing (though it played a part). I've had several relationships before then and since then, too, where my partner knew of my dressing from the start. In fact, most of my partners have known early on; full disclosure is very important. Trust is a fundamental part of a relationship, and not telling a partner about trans-ness can definitely erode trust.

It seems all too rare to find people who are open-minded about transgenderedness; it seems to be a big challenge still for most trans people. Certainly it seems less rare to me as time goes on. Less rare as I love myself more. Anyway, I knew people who could accept me as a transgendered person and partner were out there... and I feel very lucky that I have found someone that matches me well on all levels; not just my being TG. So for those of you transgendered and still looking for a partner: I know it can seem like a daunting prospect to find someone who matches you well on all levels-- particularly w/being TG-- and it has happened for me, and it can happen for you. :)

I think that the more one understands, likes, and accepts themselves, the more likely it is to find another who is drawn towards that. If you don't like yourself, whether that's for being TG or something else, it's hard for someone else to like you. Besides, if you like yourself, it's hopefully for good reason! ;-) I had to learn-- often the hard way, and through much soul-searching-- that being TG is okay. It's something that's part of me, and I'm not hurting anyone by being TG. It can be a frustrating challenge to find someone okay with it, but at least that someone isn't me most of the time-- and if I'm not okay with it, how can someone else be?

I realize that as I express this side of my gender, I am admittedly pushing the boundaries of what society finds acceptable for gender expression. Pushing the boundaries can be good... If societal norms didn't get challenged and changed, we'd still have slavery, women would be unable to vote (or at least still wearing big hoop dresses and corsets ;-), polyester in obnoxious colors would still be popular [wait... ;-)], and so on. While I won't 'get on my soap box' and pontificate here, I think that I have a right to be TG, and to express that in public. I am not harming anyone. I have found many people that agree with me; not the least of which is my wife, my friends, and my past girlfriends! :)