The guiding star.
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 1996 15:58:19 -0500 (CDT)
From: "Chandra S. Balachandran"
<balachan@plains.nodak.edu>
To: South Asian Lesbigay Discussion List
<khush@store-forward.mindspring.com>
Subject: The guiding star.
jIvanada jaladhiyali
payaNa-gayyuva nanage
nInondu dhruva-tAre
nanna guruve
"To me, traveling
on the sea of life,
My teacher, you are
a pole star."
-- vachana veda.
"There is truth in all religions.
There is good in all people. You just have to find it. Caste, religion,
economic status -- these differences don't mean anything. At the core,
all are one.
"Never underestimate the power
of the Deity. His Love will always protect you and give you succour --
in ways you may never imagine or expect, at the darkest moment, it will
come to you as a bright guiding light.
"There is no "man's"
work or "woman's" work -- there is work and it needs to get done.
..."
Thus she taught me.
Many decades later, I learned the
words for them: Syncretism, Faith, Dignity in Labor ...
When I seek to understand Indian
geography, I find that I cannot even uncover it, much less understand it,
if I don't take syncretism as my starting point. When I seek to understand
the queer space which I occupy, with many brethren, I find that syncretism
is the first point I have to set up: what is it which unites the diverse?
Whenever I find myself reacting
virulently to people, I remember the times past when I have had to revise
my opinion of someone after I got to know them over time in varying circumstances.
When I have despaired, darkness
enveloping me everywhere, when I have thought all was lost and that I had
no purpose in living any more, when I have wanted to bail out of life ...
EVERY time, at the moment when I thought things could not be worse, someone
has believed in me, given me a break, offered a kind word of understanding,
held my hand and said, "Believe in yourself, you are worth something.
You, too, are an asset in this world. Your strengths are within you. Respect
yourself. Others' respect will follow." The Love she spoke of has
always come to me in a myriad forms. And you don't have to be a theist
to understand this either.
In early childhood, during my most
joyous moments of laughing, playing, dancing, and singing -- she was my
# 1 fan.
When I developed chicken pox and
suffered for several weeks, those gentle hands of hers nourished and caressed
me back to health.
Waste and perfume, alike, she handled.
The values she taught me sustain
me every waking moment of my life. Every class I teach has been influenced
by her philosophy. I see her gentle smile, her profound conviction, her
simplicity, her elegance, her fallibility, her acceptance, and above all
else, her love.
I will never again see her physically.
A sudden stroke took her away two weeks ago today -- 1 year, 1 month, 1
week, and 1 day after dad died. It fascinates me that the number 1 dominates
in this: Unity.
My mom.
My teacher.
My friend.
She was to have come to visit me
in May 1997. I wanted to show her my world, who I am ... Things I have
held back. Boundaries I had protected myself with, unable to speak the
things which probably had no names in her vocabulary ... or so I had thought.
I wanted her to know how enriched I have been by being who I am.
Something I would never dream of changing for anything in the world.
I never got to share it with her
in person.
But, she is in every moment of my
life, like the pole star, guiding me on this wondrous journey.
The tears will subside. She will
be seen inside, where it really matters.
And then she will be immortal.
Yes, I think she knows.
- chandra.
An
essay I wrote about my mom is available here.
A poem and a graphic sent to me by two kind people
in response to the above note.