5.



<F255D> 4.

FLYING TOO HIGH

The first work, what I did for "P„evaleht", was an reportage
of Halloween party in TexÄMex pub "Lucky Lukes". It
was accepted by the editor-in-chief and so I started
to make a stories and reportages beside my secretary
work.

I had a good relations also with Estonian GayÄ and Lesbian
Unions, although I was a member of neither. Through
them I got a invitation to the Finland to "TransHelsinki"
event. It was a exiting experience to me, because I
never before saw any living F to M transsexuals or even
crossdressers in Estonia. Couple of F to M guys I met,
they were quite nice, but they were another kind than
me.

So I called to Finland and told to the ladies there
that I come. It was my first trip as a woman to foreign
country and I was quite nervous. But everything went
without any mishap and soonI was in Helsinki. I was
met by a nice TS lady, her name was Johanna and I also
lived during the event by her. We had a lot of fun there.
Shee had a boyfriend Mikko and together we went to watch
also ªThe Crying Gameª, what came out inthe summer.

Even if this event didn't gave me something new, I got
from there some more selfÄconfidence. At least I saw,
that I am not the only transsexual woman in the world.
First time in my life I saw some transgendered magazines
as "Tapestry" and gay papers. Johanna gave me also Caroline
Cosseys book "My Story". I read it through during my
way back from Helsinki to Tallinn. (FerryÄtrip doesn't
take more than 3,5 hours). I was quite amazed to read
the same things I've been through.

For the Christmas I decided to go home. Our family were
usually together on Christmas, now there were some years,
I wasn't by them and I missed them.

I made my best to my outfit and soon I was there.

This was nice. I felt again support of my family and
it was exactly what I missed. We were all together,
also Katrins son Carl Rudolf and Marians daughter Gerda.
I bought them some marzipane and toys and they were
so happy.

New Years Eve I spent there with grandmother Hilda.
My parents went to Kuusalu, to my sisters, but I wanted
to stay at home. I was still a littlebit afraid to go
to Kuusalu, where I could meet my classmates and some
other familiar people. Katrin told me once, that some
of them were quite irritated about this operation I
made. I couldn't understand, why. It was my very own
problem and no one elses.

After holydays I went back to city and continued my
job.

In the January 1994 asked Krister, do I want to go permanently
to work to the "P„evaleht". Editor in chief had told
him, that he likes my reportages and features very much.
I said to Krister, that I will think about it.

Really, I had been secretary of ECC quite long by this
time, now I wanted to try something new. So I gave up
my job in Christian Community and started my carreer
as a journalist. One bad thing was, that I had also
to give up my flat, but Kristers mothers husbandhad
was an professor in the Art University and had a studio
in the near of "P„evaleht" redaction. So I moved there.
It was even better, because in my old flat was no hot
water, only cold, here I could take shower every day
seven times, when I only wanted. The rent wasn't also
very high (in my old flat I hadn't pay rent) and I was
happy.

I started as an editor of "Life" division. Chief of
it was an nice girl, Britt, and there were three other
ladies and two men in this division. Soon I started
to feel itself more relaxed there and my stories went
also better and better by the time.

From my finnish friends I got also information about
the "EuroFantasia" event, what had to be in the beginning
of May. I wrote to Jenny, who was organizer of this
event and she said, they can support my coming. Even
if my salary was now higher than in ECC and was quite
good in Estonian context, it was only about 2000.Ä Kroons
(80 GBP) in month and didn't fit to any western standard.

"EuroFantasia" was a nice event. I stayed my first and
last night by GitteÄMarie, she was a nice TS. We went
together to the local pub, where most of people knew
here. Eurofantasia took part in Ebeltoft, an small town
by the sea. I met there some lot nice people. Linda
was the youngest, very charming, but shy preÄop, Laura
came from France, Phaedra was from England and there
were lot of transsexuals and crossdressers from Germany,
with one of them I became quite good friend. His name
was Gerhard but when he was dressed up as a woman, she
was called Chantal. We got very well and after this
event we started to correspond. He sent me some shots
he took out from the video and said, he will come to
visit me.

I met there also a famous british writer Monica Jay,
who is the author of the book, about what is made a
film "Just Like A Woman".

I came back from the EuroFantasia more selfconfident
and full of hope. Krister came to pick me up at Tallinn
airport and we drove together to the "P„evaleht" redaction.
I called to my doctor and asked, when will be the last
op. He told me, that in this summer he will not have
a time for it and besides of all there is some kind
of problems with Ministery of Health. I asked, what
kind problems, but he didn't say.

I started to work again as a fool and soon I could afford
itself a small ten years old japanese car. I was in
love with it. Sometimes, on the lunchÄbreak, we went
with other girls of our redaction by that car to shopping
and it was a lot of fun.

This summer of 1994 was best of my life. Finally I had
a job, what I really enjoyed, freedom to do everything
as I want and lot of good friends.

Sometimes came Krister in the evening to me and we went
to drive with my car, just for the fun. To P„rnu, to
Tartu - Estonia is so small, from onee end to another
can you reach during a half of day. We ate at driveÄins
and when weather was good (but in my memories every
day of this summer was sunny) we went to the beach.
Quite often we went also to dance in "Piraat" club,
what was in this time very hot place in Tallinn.

In this year was also the last "Rock Summer" rockÄfestival.
I was accreditated as a journalist from "P„evaleht"
and met there lot of my old friends, who I did't see
for a some years. They were quite amazed about my new
outfit, but they used to it very fast, so we made after
the Status Quo concert a really nice party in the cave,
one of my friends knew.

Besides of that I made couple of reportages of the event
and had also a good chance to make an short interview
with Iggy Pop for ªP„evalehtª.

By this time I used to take a soviet hormones. They
worked good, but now it wasn't anymore so easy to catch
them, but I didn't worry Ä I had a quite big reserve
of. But anyway I thought, what will be, if they will
be end?

Summer went on and most of people from our redaction
was on their vacations, so I had a really lot of work.
But I liked it, my sories were printed nearly every
day, I got lot of respond from the readers and editor
in chief was satisfied. I had to go to the briefings
of ministeries, pressÄconferences, presentations, exhibitions
and make some reportages from the ®real life¯.

Soon my salary raised until 4000.Ä Kr per month and
I could afford itself a normal flat. I didn't have a
much things, mostly only my shoes, clothes, make up
and books. In the new flat was nearly all necessary
things, so I brought some more from my parents.

In July I made still my best interview with estonian
ex-president Arnold Rtel. I was in Saaremaa, in his
summerÄresidence for a two days and we went together
to fishing trip and I told also lot with his wife Ingrid.

In this summer I met lot of famous people and made interviews
with them. Mr Jyri Kork was a leading ballistical engineer
by NASA, famous New York artist Mark Kostabi, Ilmar
Taska, who was a producer in Hollywood and now had a
private TV channel in Estonia.

In the august I attended the Nordic Forum Ä the biggest
women summit in Scandinavia and was also asked to talk
about the situation of transsexual women in Estonia.
I didn't have any bad experiences with it and so I also
told. My life in this time really wasn't different from
the life of any other woman in Estonia. Except one thing...

In September came then Gerhard from Germany. He was
in love with me and in the beginning I believed also,
that I am. I showed him the town, we went even together
to the national opera (he was dressed then as Chantal)
and had a lot of fun to sit there together with wellknown
estonian politicans and members of the government.

Anyway, there began to come out also differences between
us. He didn't like this "decadent" people, (mostly artists)
with who I did commune. One evening I was invited to
the wedding party of Raoul Kurvitz and Ene Mai Semper,
who both are quite famous artists in Estonia. Party
was in the Tallinns artist-club "Kuku Klubi" and was
organized in the best Warhol traditions and actually
was quite funny, but Gerhard took it all too seriously
and couldn't at all enjoy it. So we came away quite
early.

He didn't like also some music I like. Once I listened
on my car's stereo a cassette of "Art of Noise". Suddenly
I felt, that Gerhard is absolutely furious - I didn't
remember, that once before he told me, that "this is
too anarchistical music". I didn't it with purpose and
just listened music I like and hadn't any idea that
he could be so furious about it.

I by myself didn't use to this, that my boyfriend will
sometimes wear women's clothes and so. Of course everybody
can do, what he want and I know, that I am perhaps unfair
to him, but soon I realized, that I don't like it. I
remembered still very well my own miserable crossdresserÄtime
and actually dreamed about such kind of man, who will
not have any doubts about his masculinity. (Chauvinistical?
Perhaps.) I told him about this last operation and that
I still need electrolysis, but that it is not possible
here in Estonia. He promised to help me and invited
for a year or so to Germany, where he promised also
to find a job for me.

In the October I was with Krister together in Latvia.
There was a kind of conference about human rights and
we were accreditated as journalists. It was nice there.
We lived in the big hotel, where in Soviet period had
been very hard to get a place in, now it was almost
deserted.

In the end of October came out Toomas H. Liivs book
"Life and People", where was also one story about me.
My photo was printed also on the back cover of this
book, between photos of Zbigniew Brzezinsky and Gerald
Ford. I didn't care very much about it, because the
story was made very delicate. But I couldn't even guess,
that it will give me so much publicity and thats ain't
good for transsexual women.

Everything seemed to be very well and finally I could
write to my diary: "I am happy. Only one little step
and the happiness will be complete."

<F255D>

5.

FREE FALLING

In the November of 1994, just one week after my 29th
birthday, I went with couple of friends from our edition
to eat. We were used to go to somewhere out of city
and also this time we went with the car of one boy to
"Peoleo" inn, 20 kilometers out of the City.

When I came back, Kadi - a girl who was also a editor
of our redaction - told, that editor in chief wants,
that I will make a story with an young german artist.


"Why me?" I asked "I have right now quite much to do."

"You speak english," said she. "We don't speak english.
And nobody here doesn't speak german too."

"Yeah, okay," I said. "Where is he?"

Kadi showed to the corner of our redaction, where we
had some armchairs. The boy sat there and smiled.

"Hi, I am Thomas." he said.

"Hi. My name is Kristel." answered I.

I never saw a boy with this kind of smile. So I started
to make this interview. It came out, that he is from
Hamburg, but his mothers parents leaved Estonia in the
end of WWII. So he came to see his grandparents country
and now he lived by his relatives near of Tallinn.

But I was still under the magic of his eyes. He asked,
do I want to drink some coffee or so, and I was agreed.
We went down to the caf‚ and tried to relax. But we
couldn't anyway finish this interview in this evening.
We went to the "Georges Browns" (an Irish pub in Tallinn)
and drank some Guinness there. I told him about me and
thought, that I probably never will see him anymore.
But instead he asked, can he come to me for this night.
He said, he wouldnt't like to go this 25 kilometers
in the rainy novembernight back to his relatives. I
had also another bed in my flat, so I agreed. But from
this night we were together like horse and carriage.

Thomas is an artist in the classical meaning of this
word. He is graduated from Hamburg MediaÄArt College
as a graphical designer, but his real love is making
comics. I was very amazed about deepness of his knowledge
in this field. We here in Soviet Unionknew only Walt
Disney, but nothing about John Buscema, Stan Lee etc.
In Germany he won some prices in comic days of Ehrlangen
and Hamburg.

Another his big love was the music of fifties and sixties,
like Carl Perkins, Gene Vincent or Johnny Burnett. And
together with him came this music also to my home.

He is very modest and can live almost everywhere. For
comfort he needs only two things - enough coffee and
cigarette tobacco with papers.

Gerhard had invited me to the Germany for Christmas,
but I didn't want to go. Finally I sent to Gerhard a
letter, where I told him about my new boyfriend. I know
that I hurted him, but it wouldn't be also fair to live
with two boyfriends. (I'm probably too oldfashioned?)
But I had the German visa in my passport and also had
a vacation, so I drived to Hamburg. Thomas stood in
Estonia.

It was nice trip. In the train from Travemnde to Hamburg
I thought, what I will then do, if Tommy's parents refuse
me. I knew, that Thomas wrote to his parents about me,
but I hadn't no idea, how they will take me.

From Hamburg Hauptbanhoff I called to Tommy's mother.
She spoke quite good estonian, even if was born in Hamburg
and promised to come to pick me up. Soon she was there
and we drived by SÄBahn to Harburg (part of Hamburg),
where their family lived.

Soon came also Tommy's father home. We got from the
very beginning very well. They both were nice to me
and we spent very nice Christmas together, went to Christmasmarket
and so. I made the meal for the Holy Night.

I was there about ten days. Short before New Year was
I back in Tallinn and we both Ä Thomas and I were very
happy to see each other again.

From this trip to Hamburg I made lot of features about
discos, "Szene", economy and so on.

I called also to my doctor. He said, that operation
will be in the february. Everything seemed to be allright.
Thomas went for two months back to Germany and during
this time I planned to manage my last op.

Unfortunately it came out, that operation cant't be
made in february, because Independence Day (24.February)
and will be only after two weeks, in the beginning of
March. Two years after my first operation! It was somehow
a bad omen. Atmosphere there in the hospital was somehow
nervous and I was taken into the hospital nearly illegal.
Dr. Reino said, that they have some problems about me
with Social Ministery and therefore he can't make the
operation. But dr. Zirel and dr. Punab will make the
operation. I didn't like it. But what could I do?

Feeling after the operation was familiar. I knew, that
the pain will be soon over and it will be allright.
But during three days nobody didn't came to watch me.
In the fourth day came dr. Zirel and dr. Punab and they
took the catheter out. Next day they took out also the
prothesis from the vagina and after three days I was
sent out from the hospital. Dr. Reino said, that unfortunately
it is not anymore possible to take me into the Tartu
University hospital and when I need some correction,
I have to go to the privatee clinique "Fertilitas",
where dr. Punab will do all necessary things.

It was like a cold shower to me. He knew very well,
that I badly needed some corrections. But when he was
under the pressure of his bosses, he couldn't do anything.
And I was also signed the paper, where stood, that I
will have no complainments, whatever will be.

One my old friend came to take me off from the hospital
and we drove to Tallinn, all the way I was very close
to cry.

I stood at home for a while and then went back to work.
I called also to this private clinique, but it came
out, that for further corrections I needed they asked
from me no more or no less than 6000.Ä Kroons. I didn't
have this money. I tried to train vagina by myself,
but I didn't have any idea, how to do it, all my money
went to the rent of flat and paying very expensive western
hormones I hadto use now, because my old russian ones
were over. Suddenly I was poor. I had to sell my car,
to get a littlebit money, but it wasn't for a long time.

In the end of May 1995 came to our redaction an unanticipated
message Ä after two weeks "P„evaleht" will be united
with two other newspapers, what were in very bad economical
situation. Behind of all it was a wellÄknown businessman
Andres Bergman. Most of us lost our job. I too. So I
had to give up also my flat in city and moved back to
my parents to the Rnka Talu.

At first I didn't realized, what was happened. I hoped,
I can get a new job and with it will not be a much of
problems. All the summer I translated Caroline Cosseys
book "My Story" and thought, that in the autumn I can
get some job in some other newspapers.

But everywhere, where I went, they only smiled meaningfully,
when they realized, that I am t h i s Kristel R. Sitz
and said, that they'll take a contact with me, but I
never got any.

One my friend from P„evaleht once told me, that after
I was asking for a job by the "S“numileht" the editor-in-chief
of this paper told him: "I know this Kristel R. Sitz.
She writes excellent, but everybody knows that she is
a sex change. We can not afford to take such a person
to our redaction." This was very typical. Suddenly I
felt itself like a leper.

About in that time, in the summer of 1995 started to
appear in estonian press lot of antiÄsexual minorities
articles. And only a year before I told in Nordic Forum,
that we don't have much problems in Estonia for minorities!

By the time I couldn't buy anymore my hormones. I gained
on weight, my good figure melted during a year and I
fell into depression. I couldn't anymore go also to
any doctor, because I lost my health insurance, because
I was not able to pay it. I tried to work here at home
and translated some more books, for example Ulli Schuberts
"R„uber und Gendarm", Bill Gibsons "Neuromant" and Margaret
Weis and Don Perrins "Knights of the Black Earth", but
editions pay usually only 2500 Ä3000 Kroons per book,
I translate one book about two months. Suddenly I was
insolvent.

During last three years are prises raised here about
25Ä30%. Only thing, what I right now have, is my boyfriend
Thomas, cat Tiger with her four kitten and this little
room here by my parents farm, witout any running water,
with wood heating and dry closet. We living only on
money what Thomas get from his illustrations and I get
for my stories, when they'll be published of course.
And I must write under pseudonyme, otherwise my stories
will be not printed. Most of the money we spend for
our medicals (Thomas has asthma).

Time by time I gave up correspondending with transsexuals
from other countries. It was very pity to read how good
their things are going on the background my own failure.
Of course in the beginning I tryed to make the face,
that with me is everything OK, but how long one can
lie?

In the 8. March there were a story about me in "Phap„evaleht",
("Sundaypaper") where was written ALL about me, including
my medical condition. I dont know, from where they got
this information, probably from the Tartu University
hospital. Information about me in that story was actually
very confidential and it crushed me quite completely.
In the same day I was also in the talkshow of Estonian
TV. They asked me directly: "How long can you stand
this?" What could I say? That I'll commit a suicide
tomorrow? After the three years pressure I need badly
some help. But I am not able to pay it. I wrote to some
doctors abroad, but when I saw the prices, I understood,
that for me it is out of reach. Even if I could have
a job and my old salary.

May and June of 1997 I spent alone on the small island
of Pedassaar (Pine Island) in the Gulf of Finland. I
wanted to think a littlebit alone about those things,
what had happened to me.

Is this what I wanted? Surely not. I had an illusion,
that everything will go as well as it usually goes with
the transsexuals in western countries. Quite na‹ve of
course. If I would know in 1993, that they'll never
finish the SRS they started, I wouldn't start it here.
Probably I would look for possibilities to emigrate.
Now it is very difficult.

But I also know, that I did all what was possible in
this country and no other estonian M to F TS haven't
still undergo her treatment here in Estonia. I'm still
the first and only one.

I remember, how desperated I was before I changed my
life in 1991. I also remember how happy I was 1993 and
1994 when everything was okay and I thought, that soon
I can forget all my past and start to live like any
other woman. And I also remember, how everything was
collapsed in the spring of 1995. Now I am in the beginning
again. But I still have a hope.

1