Shopping,
dressing en-femme, rollerblading, shopping, snowboarding, and shopping,
(see, there is a pattern here)
Isn't
it obvious? SHOPPING!
Amexophobia
(fear of having my credit card revoked)
Small,
yapping, ankle-biting dogs.
Phony
people, aggression, racism, sexism, and other "ism's" based on fear and
ignorance
Love
and romance, music and walks in the park, a nice red wine, and warm
genuine people to share them with.
MY
STORY
I have been
"actively" crossdressing since I was 12, but I have
always loved being girly.
I was different from most boys, being small and skinny I was
always being picked on by the big bullies. I was also rather
androgynous in my looks with curly red hair, as a child I was
often mistaken for a little girl, my mum used to call me
curly-locks!
When puberty came
something unexpected started happening, my right breast began to
swell into a small feminine breast. This is a condition called Gynecomastia and while it is now known to be
quite a common condition in boys as they reach puberty, not much was
known about it back then, even in the medical community. Obviously I
had
a hormone in-balance, but I was more scared of being noticed,
than of what was happening to me, so I kept it a secret for months.
One day when I found a pink silk cami in the wash basket (I have
sisters) I just couldn't stop myself, I had to explore. I
pulled it over my head and down my body and felt such wonderful
sensations that I almost fainted! I realised then that deep
inside that I am female in
nature. I should point out that it was never a sexual thing for
me, and I certainly wasn't ever a 'panty thief', it was more about
feeling "normal".
These days were
some of the best of my life as I hid my secret "extra"
and bought my first girls clothes, I dressed in tank tops and
off-the-shoulder blouses. I was in heaven! It was the late 70's so I
even had a Boob Tube (oh I'm showing my
age now), and it was perfect to show off my new figure.
This was sadly
short-lived, when my father noticed my breast he took me to our
family doctor, and then to a "specialist".
They told me
that I had to have an operation and I tried to protest but you
could never argue with my father for long. He asked me if I was a
man, and I couldn't tell him my true feelings, so I had to lie.
(his way, or no way!)
My father and the doctors at the hospital told me they would only
remove some fluid, but they actually performed a partial
mastectomy, for some reason they removed a lot of breast tissue
as well. I was in pain for days, being scarred both physically
and emotionally, and I have since been told by specialists that
it was a totally unnecessary operation.
It was a traumatic experience, but I realise now that they only
took away a physical part, and that my spirit has always been
feminine. This operation has had major consequences in my later
life. More on that later.
Through my teens I
struggled with the boy-girl thing, I loved women, perhaps too
much and was always too shy around them. I never really had
enough physical urge to overcome my inhibitions, and there was
the shame of my on-going identity crisis..
During my late
teens and early twenties I went through purges, giving away my
clothes to charity shops. When I was 18, I met my first real
girlfriend, and we were married 6 years later, but my soul was
still secretly yearning to be feminine. I had told my wife that I
was a crossdresser before we were married, but that was the only
time we talked about it. It soon became very stifling to live and
work only as a man. About three years into the marriage I cried
ENOUGH!, and Rene came out of the closet again! I went out for a
midnight stroll after my wife had gone to bed and just my luck,
she woke up and was looking for me. She caught me coming back
through the front door, she handled it very well, she was more
concerned about my safety out in the street, but it was swept
under the carpet, yet again! Unfortunately the marriage didn't
last, though not because of my "femme side"
Three years after
the breakup, i was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The teste
was removed, and I have come through OK, (with months of radiation
therapy)
and have had full remission for 11 years running now..
I also went to an
endocrinologist and the tests found that I have low levels of
Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)
In spite of all this I have
never had problems with sex, just a lack of it from time to time.
(smile).
What now?
Right now I'm living it up in my new home near Sydney harbour. I occasionally go out shopping
and to
meet my friends at clubs and bars, my favourite is Gilligans (aka
the Oxford St Coctail bar), and I also go to the Taxi Club, a
transgender night club in Sydney.
I must say that I am NOT
attracted to men, I adore women! I don't like using
labels but does that make me a lesbian?
(maybe a lesbian wannabe?)
I work as a man, and being rather successful gives me a good
income to indulge in my shopping addiction.
And what
of the future?
Who knows what the future holds? I was fully approved for M-F
transition in Oct 97, and started a full course of female
hormones, but I stopped after only a few months, it was a
wonderful time and felt right, however one breast did not develop
at all (a legacy of my child-hood operation). Taking oestrogen is
a huge shock to the body, and I think my body wasn't ready for it
after the anti-cancer treatments during that year, it affected my
health
and my work suffered. I was also scared of the risk of breast
cancer with HRT, and with my history of cancer it's a risk I'm
not prepared to take. I've always been an all-or-nothing person,
I've made my decision, and I'm committed to living my life as a
man (well mostly anyway).
lol.
Special
footnote: I will always be grateful for the love and support of
my family and my TG friends, without them my world would be a
much darker place.
I
would love to hear from `girls like me' or "girls not like
me" (wink) so drop me a note! rene_sydney@hotmail.com
