René's Diary

My diary should start the day I was born, but I have trouble remembering
back that far, so I will begin at the beginning, my first adventures dressing up.

Age 11 : My first memory of dressing as a girl was in the 6th grade, I was alone at home for the day and I tried on a silk camisole top and wow, it really felt good! I felt a lot of guilt for wearing my sisters things, so i started to spend my allowance on my own female underwear and clothes. I found it was rather easy saying it was a birthday or christmas gift. One of the first things I bought was a boob tube, after all it was the 70's! I bought more and more clothes, and hid them in the basement.

It was about this time when I first noticed my body was changing, and not in the way most boys would. My right breast was swelling up and the nipple was sensitive and growing quite large. I realised that it was a like a girls breast, and I was very confused, why was this happening to me?
For a while I thought God was punishing me for wearing girls clothes, but slowly I came to see it a blessing, not a curse.

Age 12 My breast had stopped growing, and I wore baggy clothes in a desperate attempt to hide my secret, but my father noticed, and decided that I had to go to the doctor. The family doctor looked at it, consulted my father and booked me in to a hospital. Despite what I was told, (that they would only remove some fluid), they perfomed a partial mastectomy, removing breast tissue and fluid. This hit me really hard, for they had taken something from me that made me feel good about myself, and there was no getting it back.

Footnote: My chest is still deformed from that operation,
which I later discovered was totally unecessary!

Age 16. My first excursions! I had been using make-up for a while and had just bought my first wig, it was long and brunette. I decided that it was time to go out for a walk, at first it was an evening stroll around the block, and when I got my drivers licence I was free to travel. I had been working on my voice, and wanted to see if I could pass in public, so I went to the local cinema to see Endless Love. My heart was pounding as I bought the ticket, but the lady smiled just at me and said 'enjoy the movie'. I bought a drink and some popcorn, no problem, I was really getting used to this! The movie was wonderful, and my mascara was running from crying so much. With the Coke and popcorn I just had to go to the ladies room to freshen up. This was a totally new experience, one lady was so kind and offered me a tissue to dry my eyes. I thanked her and she offered to help me re-apply my mascara, I really thought she had sprung me, and to this day I wonder if she did.

Age 17: My first pictures! I was home-alone for the weekend for the first time I spent the day completely femme. I got out my camera, did my make-up, and took some pictures. Here are the first pictures I ever took!

Click on the pic for a larger image.
It's all done with mirrors! I took some more shots, but they did not come out so well.

Age 18-25 My first girlfriend! I met her on a ski holiday, we fell in love and married some years later. I went through many guilt purges, giving my clothes away to charity, but I realised in the end it was useless to fight it. I told her about my femme side when we became engaged, but it was never talked of again. In all this time I dressed maybe 5 times.

Age 26: D-I-V-O-R-C-E : The marriage was in trouble, not because of my dressing, (which I did very rarely), something was missing in the relationship and I had to leave. I think it was the fact that she was the only girl I had been intimate with.
I moved into a new apartment with a friend, and (slowly) got on with my life.

1991: After a long and painful illness, my father passed away. My mother and sisters and I became very close and in a way, we were all relieved.

1994 : I discovered a lump in my right teste and after 3 months of denial got myself to a hospital for a biopsy, it was cancer.
I needed an operation (Laparotomy) to have the teste removed, and 3 months of radiation therapy to kill any cancer cells that may have spread.

Footnote: I have been in full remission for 5 years now, so my chances are virtually
100% for a full recovery. For more details and info on this, go to my Big C page

1995 After all the agonising over my on-going identity crisis I finally reached out for help, and went to the Gender Centre, a local drop in/support centre for Ts, they referred me to an endocronologist. He ran some tests which proved I have low levels of FSH, (follicle stimulating hormone) which he said partly explains my transgenderism. He also explained to me that gender identification is very dependent on hormones sent to the brain during critical times around birth and early development. We talked about HRT, but I made a lot of excuses, career, family and friends, which he accepted. He did prescribe Androcur, a testosterone blocker, and I started on a course. I chickened out not long after!

1996: December
I discover the internet, and surfing around I discover many homepages of other TG girls.
I felt so relieved that there are so many "girls like me" out there!

February:
Surfing around the net, I stumbled across Donna's Den TG chat! (now TG Gallery chat)
I soon realised how many girls like me there are out there, and I made many new and wonderful friends. I will always be grateful for the support and love I have found in this chatroom!

I was starting to feel jealous of all the beautiful pictures of the girls on the net and in the chatrooms, so I decided to build my own homepage. I only wanted to get my picture up for the chat room, but it seems I created a monster! *grin*
About this time I started chatting with a wonderful TS lady from Idaho USA, Samantha . We became close "net" friends and she helped me so much in coming to terms with who I am, I will always be in her debt..

25th May:
My special weekend! Something I had always wanted to do was to have a photo session in a professional studio, and this was the day! The day started with a full body wax and polish, then over the road to Starshots Glamour studio for a make-over, and 3 hours of modelling for the camera! I have never in my life felt so alive, and so totally feminine.
You can find the results here.

15th July:
The latest cat scans and X rays are clear of cancer, and the relief I feel is overwhelming!

24th July:
I finally tell my mother that I am transgendered, and that I have to explore HRT. She took it very well, with some explanation. In the end she offered to help pay for my GRS (gender re-assignment surgery) if it ever came to that! I love my mother very much and this just made me so happy!

9th August: A femme shopping trip with Siobhan. I had never been shopping with someone before, and we had the best time. We shopped-till-we-dropped, at the end of the day we even stopped to chat with the sales-girls for a while!
We tried on a quite a few outfits, and I fell in love with a long red velvet halter neck gown
And of course I just had to wear this dress to ~~~~

My first social event as René, was at the Seahorse Masquerade Ball, in Melbourne! I was so excited, I flew to Melbourne in the afternoon and went to the guesthouse where I was staying to change. We met at Peta's house for some pre-ball drinks.
Siobhan was there and I met Peta, Claire and Jessica for the first time. We had such a great time talking and laughing, that we were the last table to arrive at the ball! The night was wonderful, I felt so at ease as René, and the other girls helped there, they really are a wonderful group of people! *hugs* Girls!! There were also wonderful shows featuring beautiful T's in gorgeous gowns.

After the shows it was time to hit the dance-floor! We had a wonderful time just grooving along to the band, then a really cute girl singled me out for a dance! Wow, was I in heaven, (once we worked out who would lead! *g* We danced and swung each other around holding hands for 3 songs, and when the dancing was over we had a lovely hug and kiss! I think she was with a girlfriend, so nothing more was going on, but it really made my night! Here are the pictures!

After the ball we went back to Peta's house for drinks and finished a wonderful night chatting and giggling till the wee small hours. I crawled into the guesthouse as the sun was rising , it was about 6am!!

The very next day... My first sunday lunch!
I awoke bleary eyed, and got myself ready for the day! We had planned to meet for lunch at O'Connells, a very swish pub with a great restaurant. As I walked in it struck me that (apart from my shopping adventures) I had never actually done this before, meeting people as René, in broad daylight! Peta was there, and Siobhan, Rachel, Claire, Jan (Claire's GG friend) and Nikki. We had a fabulous lunch, and Peta picked up the bill. Thanks sweety! Here is a pic

2nd September. Gekkos Restaurant:
Siobahn is in Sydney for a few days, and we arranged a dinner with myself, Erica, and Kimberly. Siobhan was staying at the Sheraton, and we had arranged to meet in her room. We chatted for a while, and then went downstairs to dinner at Gekkos restaurant. We were pretty nervous about being picked, but the people there were wonderful, the waitress shared a laugh or two with us, and the chef sent us some delicious desserts, with his compliments! This turned out to be a wonderful evening for me especially, it did my self confidence a world of good! Here is a pic

22nd Sept Monday: A night at the Hardrock Cafe!
Siobahn is in Sydney for a few days, and we arranged an outing, this time to the Hard Rock Cafe. We had a great night, Erica, and Kimberly were there, and Siobahn's girlfriend Tania. I must have been one of the few people who have never been to a Hard Rock Cafe, and I've made it a point now, not just to go to one in as many cities as I can, but to go there femme! (armed with a camera of course)

26th September. Friday: An appointment with my Endocrinologist.
I finally decided the time was right, and I had to see where hormone treatment could take me. I asked my doctor to put me on a hormone program with supervision. I was nervous at first, but relieved after putting it off for so long. He told me the psychiatrist had given me a glowing report, and we talked about the future, transition and a suitable course of hormones. He agreed that I could start, and gave me my prescriptions, and I ran to the nearest pharmacy to get them filled!

2nd October. The move!
I pack up my all my things and moved down the road to a new apartment. A good chance for me to clean up, and purge a few old (male) things. I see it as a fresh start in a new and better environment. I am still living part-time, my work requires me being a male, but most of my life is as a female.

27th October. My 2nd girly anniversary!
The end of my 2nd month on hormones and feeling wonderful in myself, I had another appointment with my endocrinologist today, and he increased the hormone dosages to full strength. The physical changes are well underway, and I love what they are doing for my skin! A sad, though expected factor was one breast (the one that was removed in my youth) did not develop at all. I have to live with the fact that I would need breast augmentation. (a boob job)

For that reason I went to see a cosmetic surgeon who also advised me on various ways he could change my facial features. He also told me a saline or silicone implant would do wonders for my missing breast, and I could see the cash registers light up in his eyes as I told him the work I wanted done. *giggles*.

30th October. Telling people!
I met my ex-wife for lunch, and I decided the time had come to tell her about me. She always knew I was a TV, I had told her before we were even married, but this was still a bit of a shock.. She was really good about it, and I guess the floodgates were opened, because the same night I told my sister! I got a phone call from her, we had a long chat about nothing much, then I told her about my wanting to transition! She was floored for a bit, but recovered well, asking me over for drinks one night! Little was I to know how big an event it would turn out to be!

31st October. My sisters party!
Siobhan flew in from Melbourne, and we went to Centennial Park for a girly rollerblade! .
Of course makeup and strenuous exercise do not mix too well, and we started melting after 2 laps...*giggles* Of course this was a wonderful photo-op. We had lunch at the Stonewall in Oxford St and as is (often) the case, we were the centre of attention!
My sister and her husband had invited us to afternoon drinks, and some of my sisters gay friends were there. They are all very sweet guys and I've known them for years. My sister had told them about me, so of course they were very curious, and we talked my favourite subject (me?) for quite a while! *g* We were chatting and laughing, and having a wonderful time, when my sisters freind Akiko arrived, she knew my male side, but she hadn't been warned about the "new girl in town". She didn't recognise me at first, and said hello as if we had never met. When she realised who I was, the expression on her face was absolutely priceless.
We were so accepted by everyone, and they were all wonderful, in fact we were even invited to another party that night! We all cleaned up, changed into our party dresses, and headed off to the party! My wonderful sister was showing me off as her new "little sis" *g*

We all got a little bit drunk, what a night! The party ended at 11,30, being a Sunday night, but we couldn't let the night end there, so we went to the Sheraton for more drinkies..*giggles*

This is one day which will stay with me forever, I will call it my unofficial coming out party! Thanks to everyone involved, Siobhan, Erica and especially my big sis, you made me feel so special, and accepted *kiss*

After almost 6 months on hormones I had reached a point where I could still turn back,
or continue on the road I was taking. I started to evaluate my life, what I want etc..etc..

The hormones had started to affect my health, my resistance was down because of the anti-cancer radiation treatment, so I decided to stop my HRT. This is one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but I think it is the right thing to do.

Not much could top 1997, a lot has happened in just one year!! That is until.......
1st August.
I have been looking to buy a house, and found a beautiful two storey townhouse in the area. I went to the auction, expecting the worst, but with only 1 other bidder, it practically fell in my lap! I celebrated with some drinks at the local, and started making plans.

1999

August 14th: Girls' night at the Taxi Club!
The girls had arranged a night at the Taxi, and Nicole, Toni Lee, Siobhan are there. Larry from Toronto Canada (a TGG / 'Debbies Den' chat regular) is in town on holidays. We all had a lovely night with lots laughs, and a few pictures!
The bar staff tried to spoil the party, telling us to stop taking pictures in the bar, something to do with poker machines and gaming laws. How dare they!!!!!!!

October 16th: Siobhan's 1st farewell : The girls had arranged for a farewell get-together for Siobhan, she is leaving our shores (sometime in 2000) for a new job in California. I finally got to meet Megan, a lovely TS girl I've known for ages on the net . Nicole, Alison, Toni Lee, and Nikki Adams were there and we all had a great drinking and chatting, and got up and boogied on the dancefloor.night

1st January 2000:
The new century came, the bug didn't bite, just the hangover next day.

Let's regain our humanity, & strive to help others as we have helped ourselves.

Look inside yourself for the answers, and open your mind to new possibilities.

Live life as it should be lived, to the full, and be true to yourself and to others.

January 2000 My first 100% femme holiday!
A relative has a holiday house on the water, which our family uses from time to time, it was the perfect place for a femme holiday.. The weather was not kind, it was cool and overcast, certainly not bikini weather..*s*

I was invited to the wedding of my TG friend Siobhan, and Akiko, I was told that there would be 2 brides, so I naturally had to wear a dress. It was a wonderful ceremony on the shores of Sydney harbour, and the party after was great, catching up with some of my TG friends that I hadn't seen in ages.

Wedding album

Sat 8th July 2000: A night at the Taxi club!
Celebrating with my friend Meaghan Tamblyn, she was off to Melbourne for her SRS.

2001
A quiet year, being single again, I'm not going out so much as Rene, spending more time out in my 'other' persona..

July
I've been dressing femme a lot more lately and feeling good about myself so i set up a
photo session

A few weeks later I finally decided to get myself out the door again, woopeee!
I went to the Taxi Club for a few drinks and since all my femme things were out already I made a week of it. The next night was long shopping night, so just I had to have a long shop! lol I went into the city and just floated around the Pitt St Mall, it had been such a long time and I was floating on air. I bought a gorgeous woollen sweater from DOTTI and the sales girls were so nice, one girl even said she loved my hair. Well thanks darling!!!

Special footnote: I will always be grateful for the love and support of my family and my TG friends, without them my world would be a much darker place.

Future dates:
This diary will be updated regularly, and I will fill you in on all the news!
So until next time, thanks for stopping by!

My Diary

1999