There is a song by Walter Becker and Donald Fagen that appears on the Steely Dan album, "Katy Lies", called "Any World That I'm Welcome To". I happened to be listening to this album recently, and it seemed to sum up for me the transgendered experience and what it means to me:
If I had my way, I would move to another lifetime,
I'd quit my job, ride the train through the misty nighttime,
I'll be ready when my feet touch ground,
Whereever I come down,
And if the folks will have me, then they'll have me
Any world that I'm welcome to
Is better than the one I come from
I can hear your words, when you speak
Of what you are and have seen,
I can see your hand reaching out,
Through a shiny daydream,
Where the days and nights are not the same,
Captured happy in a picture frame,
Honey I'll be there, yes I'll be there...
Any world...
I got this thing inside me
That's got to find a place to hide me,
I only know I must obey,
This feeling I can't explain away
I think I'll go to the park, watch the children playing,
Perhaps I'll find in my head what my heart is saying,
A vision of a child returning,
A kingdom where the sky is burning,
Honey I'll be there, yes I'll be there..
Any world...
Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, American Broadcasting
Music 1973..
We all hear a lot of transgendered
moaning about how hard we have it, about how we are discriminated
against, how our families disown us, and all the other issues
that make our lives, ahem, "interesting". Maybe we
choose this lifestyle, maybe it chooses us, but no matter which
is true, we make of our lives what we want them to be. If you
want to maon and weep for yourselves, be my guest, I'd rather
find what's pure and good and right.
For better or for worse, fate steered
me in the transgendered direction. I had my way, and moved to
another lifetime, added another job, and rode the highway through
the misty nighttime. I was ready when my pumps touched ground,
wherever I came down, and the folks I found there let me in and
accepted me. I found a world that I was welcome to, and it was
better than the one I came from.
I remember the first time I heard this
song; I received this album when I was a sophomore at Waggener
High School, and my friend Craig bought it for me as a birthday
gift, knowing I liked Steely Dan. It hit me right away in ways
and for reasons I could never articulate until very recently,
festering away for 20+ years. I always wondered if I would ever
find a world I was welcome to, knowing I was different. The thing
inside me is pretty obvious, as is the place to hide me, and the
necessity for it's existence, even that long ago. I knew that I
had to obey, even then, and never could explain it away, explain
it to whom?
I'm just now finding in my head what
my heart is saying. The child returns when I get dressed up, I
become another person, one who can be herself, leave the troubles
behind. I capture the world, happy, very often now, in both
picture frames and mirrors, because I'm still astounded at just
what I'm capable of becoming in a very short time. My days are
for work, but in the nights I can become Anne, and not be quite
the same person, and yet be myself more than I can be in male
drab.
Now, I've found that world that I'm welcome to. In fact, I've found few places Anne isn't welcome to. I want to extend my hand, reach into the daydreams of the closeted, and bring them into this world that they'd be welcome to, too. I hear the words of those who have been there and seen it already, and want to have many of the same views and experiences, and help others walk the path I've traveled a few miles along already. Most of all, I want everyone to know that I appreciate being welcomed to this world, because it's a far sight better than the dark, lonely one I came from.
Annette Louise Casebeer 02-18-97
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