EXPERIENCE THREE

Posted By Dieter

http://geocities.datacellar.net/WestHollywood/2623/

People say: "All good things take time..". Well, for me it took too much time... We are talking about the years from 1963 to 1990. I was 27 and already knew that the sight of naked men had always fascinated me, ever since the very first one I saw (my dad, of course). At school, all the other boys were desperately trying to look into the girl's locker room. I didn't get it... For me, it was a thousand times more fascinating to watch the other guys hitting the showers... And besides there was Stefan. Showering with him was much more fun especially after the other kids had left. It was more pleasant when we were all alone. Just me and Stefan! We were the closest friends you could imagine! Nonetheless, I couldn't understand why he was still interested in girls. Just being around with him was more than enough for me. He told me something, I would't understand until years later. It's a shame, you're not a girl. We'd get along great. On the other hand, at that particular moment, I was quite happy that he was a boy. I could not understand, what this had to do with being "ga..." ? This just can't be true. How could "I" be this rotten, old, ugly faggot, who sits behind trees waiting to seduce boys! God only knows where the hell I got these prejudices from! I didn't have any positive role models of what a gay person was really like!

So as the years went by... I had a few "sessions" with cousins and some neighbor boys. But, I wasn't GAY!... After two girls failed to "break the ice", I was left with no choice. Finally, I had to admit to myself: I'm different from the other guys. There was a time when I couldn't get an erection at all while I was in bed with my "girlfriend". But I immediately got a rock hard boner as soon as I thought about a guy at school. At this the point it became all to clear to me: Hey man, admit it: You are gay! Now what? First: The waiting.This was useless; nothing changed... Only my relationship with the girl ended. At least, I still had my fantasies. But my deepest heartfelt wish, a real boyfriend, remained just that: A wish. Till then I thought: OK, I'm gay. No one will know this, until I reach the point where I can't hide it anymore; when I have a boyfriend. But, how in the hell do I get a boyfriend when nobody knows I'm gay, if I don't go anywhere or don't tell anybody? I became a loyal fan of late night movies and TV programs with "special" topics. I couldn't get a man by sitting around and doing this.

During my biology studies, I was introduced to a friend of one of my new colleagues. This guy just didn't seem to be quite "right". He was too good looking, too kind, very intelligent and yet he didn't have a girlfriend. This could only mean one thing!!!! After six months I decided to write a letter to him. I gave him some points to consider and check some choices like: I prefer women, I can't decide between boys and girls, and finally I like guys. Surprisingly enough, he checked the last category... He was afraid that I discovered his secret. On the other hand, we were both very happy that we'd found someone to talk with about our "weird" feelings. It was a pity, that there was no physical attraction between us; so we stood behind "theory". Unfortunately, there was tension growing among us and our friends. We needed to talk about things from time to time that no one else should know. The situation became really unpleasant.

The first of May 1990 was a crucial experience for me. I was catching some rays at a lake in Freiburg (together with Robert, this close friend of mine). Suddenly,a couple appeared on the horizon. They held each others hands and settled down just in sight of us. They resembled each other. At first we thought - twins. Then, we realized they were actually two boys (look-alikes). They kissed and hugged in public and it didn't seem to bother anyone. There were over a hundred people around and noone said a word! This was the turning point for me. It served as proof positive that it's possible to live one's life and be happy as a gay man. One of these guys (Christian) we met in the university cafeteria and then later at the sports center. He remembered the two strange guys in pink t-shirts (wow, how courageous we felt that "pink" day...) and so we got into a very interesting conversation. Christian started to become our "personal coming out supervisor". He showed us the amenities and the dangers of the gay scene. He described his own coming out and his personal experiences and answered to our pressing questions. From this point on, things developed rather fast. The day the Gulf War began, was when I met my first "real gay lover". It was the first time I could exchange glances with a man and flirt with him. After two and a half months, Jürgen started dating Robert. And when he got tired of him... Who'd like to be next, please? But that's life! Nevertheless, this Jürgen was very important to me. His pure existence gave me the chance to enlighten my social surrounding to my own sexual orientation and my preferred lifestyle. Together with Robert, I made a list of people who should be informed. This was followed by some "kaffeeklatsches" which one victim after another was faced with the inevitable... Slowly, we got more accustomed to it. The only unexpected thing was that only one former classmate caused problems. He talked about "phases"... All the others said either: "Oh, I already knew or thought.." or they had been totally in the dark, but were not confused about it, because they had known us for a long time. My "little" sister (about 13 years older than I) took it very cool after being a little shocked ("Oh, you poor boy..."). Today, she tells her friends stories about her gay brother quite often. We once swapped accessories and clothing and she had great time with us at some "special events". But my days in drag are over. :-) However, my mom (now about 78 years old) had some problems with it. Her three greatest wishes seemed to be unfulfilled... Meeting Dieter's wife and his children and his car... The last of her wishes I had already fulfilled. She likes my husband Dirk (for two years he is now: The love of my life!). Only the thingummyjig with "kids" remains, but I wouldn't have "done" it under any circumstances... :-)

Since I "finished" this years lasting process called coming out more or less, I feel much more free and somehow lightened... There's no need anymore to react to the harmless question: "What did you do last weekend...?" at work with sweat and tears and trying to find expressions like "my better half" (which is female in German language....). In spite of that I can talk - especially with the women in my laboratory - about men, relationships and stuff like that very comfortably. When I'm walking hands in hands with my hubby we are just amused about the few slightly confused glances people throw at us... . Because I'm living in an apartement house with 6 other flats, especially neighbors got a quite good impression about my sex life very soon.. :-) This led to the situation where a female one gave to me a Baccara rose as a birthday pressy in front of half of the very amused neighborhood. She used the words: "Well, I know I can do this with you without any problem of misunderstanding...!"

As you can see, having an open gay life brings some funny elements with it, sometimes...