EXPERIENCE FIVE

Posted By Scott

I didn't come out on my own free will. When I was outed, the whole concept of confessing my sexuality to everyone was still being planned. I wanted to come out, but like so many, I was held back by terrible fear and anxiety. I realized I was gay at the age of 12. It wasn't very difficult to admit it to myself, because in truth I had always known it. I knew it, before it was something you were supposed to know. For six years I held the secret deep inside. Sometimes it would weigh heavy in my heart and mind, other times I managed to push it into a dark corner. Then as time went by, I fell in love with my best friend- who was straight. This made things come to the point of being unbearable. I couldn't tell him, of course. Meanwhile, I had started a journal, the only place where I could be free. I wrote everything in it, my deepest emotions, anxieties, desires, and inspirations. A younger sibling, we'll call him Imp (lol), got a hold of this journal. He got way more than he bargained for by reading it. Instead of honoring my privacy, he told everyone. I don't really think he knew what he was doing, what an impact it had on me (of practicaly biblical proportions). I was totally unprepared for it. I had a huge closet built, with plenty of secret hiding places. My life was ''normal'' and everything was ok- just any oridinary given day. I felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane when I found out what he had done. I locked my self in my room, desperate to believe what had just happened wasn't really happening.

I thought to myself '' Oh, my God. They KNOW". I think my first feelings were shame, fear and rage. The whole liberating and healing process of coming out had just been taken from me. I was totally unprepared for it, and wasn't ready for it. But it happened. I was outed, no matter the circumstances and I had to deal with it. And so I did. I tried to have a tough attitude when people confronted me about it, like I wasnt afraid and could care less what they thought. But inside I was a wreak. My emotions were almost out of control. I didn't lose any friends, but the bonds were weakened with some of them. There were a few friends that I could truely talk with about it, and I'm so greatful for them.

It's been almost 2 years since all that happened. No one in my family talks about it, as if it's old news. I dont really feel free, but I think that's mainly because I don't let myself be. I think I have more issues about it than most of the people I know. Once in a while I'll encounter a person who's malicious about it. But I get over it. I try to be a good person, be happy, and be greatful I'm alive. I'm still young and learning. I'm starting to think that maybe being outed by another person was for the best because it took the burden off of me to do it. But then I wonder how long it would have taken me to find the courage to do it on my own. I think I'm still finding that courage. And that worth.

~~Thats pretty much my story...

Thank you for listening,

Scott.