A QUIET BEGINNING - (Age 0-5)

I was born in Maryland in 1957. I had an older brother and an older sister. My mother was prone to outbursts of anger and was very controlling. My father was fairly passive and liked to drink. My father, and and later on my sister, became functioning alchoholics. Although I didnt see it at the time, I think everyone in my family was gender dysphoric to some extent.

Growing up, I never felt very connected to my family. I developed a somewhat introverted, outwardly unemotional, and detached personality.

There was a unmistakable lack of the feminine in my family. My mother and sister exhibited the most masculine personalities. My father, brother, and myself, the most feminine. Looking back at it, I think I used crossdressing as an escape from my family and also as a place where I could go and be nurtured. I also think I got mixed signals on what it meant to be male and/or female.

OH THOSE SILKY SLIPS (Age 5-10)

I began crossdressing when I was 5 years old. It began when I became enamored by the way my sisters slips felt in her underwear drawer and wanted to see what they felt like to wear. The material felt very magical to me. I remember the way it slithered over my body. It felt very comforting.

I was also very aware of really liking the feminine role. I was much more comfortable around the house and kitchen than playing rough and tumble with the boys.

When pantyhose started to become popular in the mid to late 60's, I was in heaven. Pantyhose became one of my favorite articles of feminine clothing.

I began a clothing stash, consisting of my sisters slips and pantyhose and some dresses I found in a rag bag, which I would keep hidden (and treasure) for many years to come.

There was something about dressing up that made me feel safe and secure and at peace with myself. Although I knew that for me, it was about more than the clothes, the clothing was a doorway for me, a doorway to allow myself to feel feminine, to feel the girl inside. Feel her joy and her pain.

PUBERTY INTENSIFIES EVERYTHING! (Age 10-18)

I continued to dress up in my sister's clothes (secretly) during my teen years. Whenever I had time alone, I would dress up. This was generally about 3 or 4 times per week. We had an unfinished attic where I would often steal away and dress up among the rafters and cobwebs. Fantasizing about what my day might have been like as a girl. I felt very lonely.

In the 4th grade, a really strange event took place. We had an assembly in our elementary school. An author of a book was going to speak. We all filed into the assembly room and she began to tell us about this book she had written about a woman and her daughter. The woman and the daughter in the book were modeled after her own life, only she actually had a son.

She also drew all the pictures in the book. And she had drawn the daughter in the book by drawing a picture of her son and then feminizing the picture. She then asked if any boys wanted to come up to the stage and have her draw him, then make his picture look like a girl. I couldn't believe my ears! But I really had no time to digest this unprecedented event, as at that very moment my teacher (who happened to be male), who was sitting a few seats to my left, began motioning me to go up. This petrified me, and I violently shook my head no, after a short time it was obvious no boy was going to volunteer for such an event. So the woman drew a typical boy picture then made the picture look like a girl, by sketching over it.

Looking back on it, its seems very strange that something like this could occur in the dark ages of 1967. I also was convinced that my girlishness obviously showed through (to perceptive teachers at least). And later would cause me to hide behind facial hair, for much of my teen and adult life. I still wonder today if this woman really wanted a daughter and if she perhaps dressed up her son. I fantasized for some time about being this woman's daughter, the daughter she obviously wanted but did not have.

I was caught dressing only one time during my childhood. It occurred when I was 11. My sister came into my room one morning to wake me up and saw my pantyhose covered leg sticking out from under the covers. She asked me why I was wearing pantyhose and I told her my legs were cold. She didn't press my poor explanation, and never asked me about it again. In any case, my sister probably suspected I was a cross-dresser.

When puberty hit, everything began taking on sexual overtones, including my dressing. Masterbation would almost always be accompanied by dressing.

During the day I would feel very upset when I would see pretty girls dressed up in their feminine clothes. I remember one day watching the high school cheerleading squad practicing, I wanted to join them so badly. I have always loved the way girls move. It actually felt painful to watch. I really felt like I was missing out on so much that I wanted to do.

I also became very attracted to beautiful girls who would wear short skirts and pantyhose, yet there was always this mixture of attraction and pain. Sometimes it was very confusing to me, I didn't really know if I wanted to 'love them' or 'be them'.

My confusion and secret life led me to become an introvert. I was pretty quiet, bookish, and shy.

It's interesting that I tried to overcompensate for my feminine feelings by growing facial hair. Somehow I thought if people saw me clean-shaven they would think I looked like a girl and my secret would be out.

COLLEGE YEARS (Age 18-22)

Nobody knew about my other side until college when I told my girlfriend. It wasn't that difficult, I knew she was open-minded because of her reaction to some movies involving cross-dressing that we had seen; and I didn't really tell her, instead I popped out of her bathroom one day with lipstick and mascara on. Once I told her my secret, she seemed to really love the idea of me dressing up. Over the next several years she would buy me dresses and high heels to wear. She especially liked me wearing all these feminine things to bed. I still had a beard so going out dressed was out of the question.

Then one day my girlfriend suggested I shave off my beard, get all dressed up, and we both go out to dinner. That was in June 1977. I was quite scared about doing this. I was 20 years old and had never been out in public as a girl. Anyway, after some coaxing by her, I shaved my beard off, but not any body hair. I wore a high neckline dress and opaque tights, that my girlfriend helped me pick out. I have to admit that sitting in her bathroom and having her apply my makeup, I never felt so intensely loved.

We went to a very conservative restaurant (she drove), with alot of older couples and I was scared to death! I remember walking in and everyone (or it seemed like everyone) turned to look at us. I don't think I passed because I am 6'4" tall which causes people to scrutinize me very closely and my girlfriend didn't have a good beard cover (duh!) to use on me (what do you expect we were both rookies!). In any case, I assumed everyone there knew I was a guy in a dress.

I was so scared, I was afraid to speak, and was sweating alot. I think she liked me scared, it must have given her a feeling of power and that she could protect and take care of me. But anyway, nobody passed out or died, and looking back on it everyone treated us very nicely, calling me miss or ma'am and the whole event was quite a thrill.

The next day back in guy-mode, my girlfriend thought I looked "funny" (strange) as a man without facial hair (since she had gotten used to seeing me with a beard) so I grew my beard back, and my dressing went back into the closet, with her as a participant.

GRADUATE SCHOOL (Age 22-24)

My girlfriend and I broke up in 1980, she met the love of her life on an airplane, and got married about a year later. I think she wanted to be with a more traditional man after being with me for 4 years. We stayed in touch for a while then drifted apart. In any case, I learned from her that I am good enough to love and that I can love back!

During Spring Break of 1980, living in an off-campus apartment and much of the student body gone, I decided to shave off my beard and (this time) my body hair and go out dressed. I hadn't gone out in public since 1977 with my girlfriend. This time I would try it alone.

Shaving my body hair was a trip! I went through about 5 razors, they kept clogging. Afterwards I found I absolutely loved the feel of shaved skin. Being completely hairless is an exquisite feeling! Your skin feels very cool, clean, soft, and sensitive without hair.

It was a bit scary venturing outside in a dress, heels, and make-up, alone. It made it easier having someone along side you as I did a few years earlier with my girlfriend. But I really wanted to do this. After years of dressing inside, I was hungry to venture outside again. I got in my car and drove to a nearby town, since I was afraid of running into someone that I knew. I really like the way the air swirled around my shaved legs and blew up my skirt when driving. I found it quite exhilarating. Driving around some of the neighborhoods of this small town, I saw a girl walking along the side of the road. So I pulled over and asked if she needed a ride. She must have thought I was a serial killer at first! Anyway she came to the window and I was really taken by her beauty. She was one of the prettiest girls I had ever seen. Since I was sure I didn't pass, I told her I was a cross-dresser out for a pleasure cruise. And we sat there on the side of the road for about 20 minutes with her head poked in my window, talking. She was very curious about me and she asked me alot of questions.

Now for the strange part. It turns out that she was crowned Miss Teen Pennsylvania, several years earlier, and that she was also lesbian. And that it caused her alot of pain. Somehow we connected, both of us were struggling to show the world who we are. It also turns out she was walking to her girlfriends house, so I gave her a lift. She did ask me, "you're not going to kill me, are you" before she got in. I'm not sure if she was being funny or if she was actually concerned, but she did get in and I drove her to her friend's house. Anyway we exchanged phone numbers and talked a few times on the phone, and eventually I lost touch with her.

OUT IN THE REAL WORLD (Age 24-29)

After I got out of graduate school, I took a job in the Washington DC suburbs, got an apartment, bought a car, and began dating alot of different women. This began a somewhat hyper-masculine phase of my life. I played on our company softball team and was one of the stars. I'm not sure where my athletic prowess came from, I was never very good in sports, but led our team to several league championships. Perhaps it was some last bit of glory for my boy side.

During the 80's I dated probably 100 or so women for short to moderate periods of time. One of my favorite ways to meet women was through personal ads that I would place in Washingtonian Magazine. It was always very interesting but was never able to find a good match (for her or me). It's funny how some people can seem so good on paper, but when you meet face to face there is no chemistry.

I still dressed privately and had some feelings of guilt about it. I did tell 2 of the women I dated about my dressing and both broke up with me shortly thereafter. I had one near complete purge in 1985. After one of my breakups, I threw out everything except one favorite dress of mine. At the time it (keeping one dress) made perfect sense. The next day upon looking at the dress still in my closet after my "purge", I began laughing at myself. I knew then that I would be a dresser for the rest of my life!

We can take our feelings and stuff them, we can take our clothes and throw them out, but there will still be some part of it there, inside us.

In any case, I began to get the feeling that finding a woman who could embrace cross-dressing is very difficult and telling a woman is risky.

In October 1984, I decided to shave off my beard (again) and go out for Halloween dressed up like a girl. I went to a local mall and found some of the nicest, cutest salesgirls who loved the idea of helping me pick out a pretty dress for Halloween. I actually found it somewhat sexually arousing, the way they reacted with their cute giggles and their seeming pleasure in feminizing me. I got such a kick out of shopping, that I lost my interest in going out for Halloween. Somehow the salesgirls had satisfied my 'itch'. This began some sexual fantasies for me involving forced feminization. I still find these feminization scenarios involving pretty girls erotic.

In 1986, I met a woman who I really liked and we became engaged. She did not know I cross-dressed and I did not intend to tell her. I knew she wouldn't be receptive from things she said to me about it whenever we saw shows related to it on TV. Since I had lived so much of my life in the closet, I thought I could spend the rest of my life there (boy was I wrong!).

MARRIED LIFE (Age 30-35)

We were married in 1987 and had a fairly typical marriage. I continued to dress up privately when she was away.

In 1991, my life changed. One day when I was sick with a cold and all dressed up (my wife was in school at the time), I saw a talk show (I think it was Donahue) about crossdressing. It was a great show and some of the 'girls' looked great. Toward the end one of the older girls (I think she was in her 50's) looked into the camera and said, "If you want to do this don't wait until you're old like me, do it when you're young". This message resonated in me. I went to the mirror and looked at my bearded face and thought about the girl inside that had wanted to come out and be pretty her whole life. And that her life was slipping away. It was an emotional experience.

A few weeks later, in June 1991, my wife left for England (UK) for a 6 week training course. It was a perfect opportunity. The day my wife left I shaved off my beard and all the hair from my body. I dressed in my best (from my hidden stash) and made another venture out under the cover of darkness

I went to a 7-11 down the street and went in and bought a pair of Leggs Sheer Energy Pantyhose (suntan) and the woman behind the counter asked me if I was a model. I told her I was a cross-dresser and she appeared shocked, which surprised me. Since I'm 6'4" tall I always assumed people knew I was a guy.

What I have found is being tall causes people to really scrutinize you. If you look good (no 5 o'clock shadow, nice make-up, appropriate clothing, etc.) and appear comfortable with yourself, then people will assume you are what you present. Of course some people might always read you, but they might also think that some genetic women are guys. Anyway I think there is way too much emphasis on passing! I say go out and be yourself, and have fun. If you like yourself, others will like and accept you too. It's funny that I'm really tall and people all the time ask me, "Are you a model?", and not "Are you a guy?".

Over the next few weeks I went out dressed every day after work, usually to women's clothing shops and met alot of very nice salesgirls. I always identified myself as a crossdresser to them, and my honesty and openness seemed to put them at ease, and they always had a ton of questions. I think I liked the attention.

I knew I had to stop shaving a few weeks into my wife's trip so my hair would grow back enough so my wife wouldn't know of my secret escapades. In any case I really had alot of fun during these few weeks.

A few weeks after my wife returned from England, we were shopping together in JC Penney's and I wondered off while she was trying on clothes. I passed the cosmetic counter and spied a beautiful girl behind the counter. I went up to her and asked her if she had ever done a make-over on a guy. She said no but she always wanted to and I told her that I had always wanted to sit at a cosmetic counter in a department store and get a makeover. She seemed really excited to do this so I got her card and said I would call her to set up a time. Her name was Michelle. It was so strange that my wife was only a few hundred feet away while I was doing this. However, I was sure to direct us away from the make-up counters when she was done. Looking back on it this was a risky action with her in the store, I think the cat would have been let out of the bag if she had said she needed to pick up a few items at the cosmetic counter.

Then a few weeks later, in August 1991, with my wife out of town for two days. I shaved off my beard (but no body hair), put on my opaque tights and dress, then put on a pair of loose sweat pants and baggy shirt covering my feminine clothes (since I couldn't wear make-up to my makeover I didn't want to wear a dress out), packed my shoes and wig in a bag, and headed off to my appointment at the make-up counter at JCPenney's.

Michelle was very happy to see me and told me that she thought I wouldn't show up. There was another girl behind the counter, and they both seemed to get a big kick out my unusual desire. I told them I was wearing a dress and tights under my loose clothes and asked them if they prefer I sit there in a dress or in sweats. Michelle said you should be wearing your dress, once I start working on you everyone will assume you're a girl. So I slipped off my shirt and pants, slipped on my heels and wig, and hopped on the stool. Both girls had huge grins on their faces, I wonder if they were thinking "I can't wait to tell my friends about this"!

Michelle began working on me and her focus and attention on making me beautiful reminded me of my make-up experience with my first girlfriend back in 1977. There was a part of me that was a little bit in love with Michelle, her tenderness and acceptance. Michelle was also a superb make-up artist. After my make-over was done I was really shocked to see how good she made me look. Michelle told me she didn't think I would look that good, especially after the first time when met a few weeks ago when I still had my beard. She said she thought I looked like a girl to her. I thanked her and told her I had to leave to make my appointment at Olan Mills (a photo studio). She told me that she wanted a photo and wrote her home number on the back of her card and told me to call her when I had them. This surprised me a bit since she didn't need to give me her home number and she really didn't know me very well. But she seemed to both trust and like me.

So I strutted out of Penney's with my head held high, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was living my fantasy and it felt great. I was thinking at the time that women certainly seemed alot more open and trusting to me when I present myself as a girl than they ever did with me presenting as a guy.

I strutted into Olan Mills, and was lucky to get a girl photographer. She seemed to like me immediately, and thought I looked great. We chatted for a while and she told me I was the first cross-dresser she had ever photographed. The photo shown to the right was from my first session. It was my first photograph of my femme side.

The following morning I was still quite excited about my previous days activities. So even though my wife was coming home in a few hours, I decided to give myself another close shave, do my makeup, and go out again. I decided to drive to a strip shopping center about 10 minutes away from our house. I was completely dressed in my car. Pulling into the parking lot I saw two beautiful girls walking to their car. I pulled up next to them and rolled down my window and told them I was a cross dresser and would they take my picture (I had my camera with me). At first they were a little shocked then began giggling at me and said "sure, we'd love to".

We pulled over to a vacant corner of the lot and one of the girls snapped a role of film while I posed with the other girl. It was a blast and the girls seemed to really be enjoying themselves. They seemed quite entertained by it all. One of the girls then wrote down her name, address, and phone number for me and said she wanted a photo. This was the second time in 2 days that a gorgeous girl gave me her home number, I never had this much success (if you can call it that) with women as a guy! I was in awe!

Anyway I had to rush home and clean up before my wife got home. When she arrived she was not pleased that I had shaved off my beard. This was the second time in my life that a girl I was with voiced displeasure over the fact my face was hairless. So reluctantly I grew it back and my fun was over for a while.

During the fall and early winter my displeasure with our marriage grew. I felt increasingly trapped by being with her. I knew that she would not be supportive of me dressing from her reaction to it when watching TV or Movies. In February 1992, I told my wife I wanted to split up. She initially was shocked, but then a few days later told me she was in love with another man and he wanted to split from his wife to be with her. I was so relieved to hear this. This really took the pressure off, we both wanted out!

INDEPENDENCE DAY: A GIRL IS BORN (Age 35-38)