My wife moved out over the July 4th weekend of 1992, a few days after she graduated from school. The day she left I shaved my beard and all the hair from my body and would stay completely hairless for the next several years.

I was overjoyed to have the whole house to myself and my freedom. I pulled all my clothes out from the boxes where they had been hiding for years and did about 5 loads of laundry and hung them up in my closet. I felt like the sun was shining on me and my life for the first time in years!

I loved living alone and having the freedom to dress everyday. Over the next several weeks, I dressed alot during the evenings and weekends and drove all over Maryland, shopping, buying pretty clothes, and feeling totally free. One of the really great things was being able to sleep in pretty nightgowns and get up and shave my legs and put on a pretty outfit to start my day. It felt so freeing!

BALLET CLASS!

In August 1992, I decided to start ballet class. It had always been my dream to learn the feminine and beautiful movements I've seen in ballet. I checked the phone book and found a ballet studio a few miles from my house. I made a trip to the studio and spoke with the woman who ran the studio. I explained my thoughts and feelings to her and asked her if I could come to class as a girl. She had no problem with it as long as I was respectful of others and serious with my desire to learn. She said there was an adult class that met on Tuesday evening after all the kids classes were over. (I suppose perhaps she was concerned I would have a negative impact on children (or the parents that paid the bills!)). In any event I started class and continued class for 9 months. I met some very nice and friendly girls, I was glad there were no other guys in the class as I thought my presence might make them uncomfortable. I have to admit that taking ballet more than anything else helped me with passing. The training was great for improving my posture and deportment. One thing I can tell you though, ballet is very difficult! It was an incredible workout and helped me lose some unwanted extra weight.

TG SUPPORT GROUPS

A few days later, I called the cross-dressers support group in Maryland (Delta Chi at the time, but they were changing their name to TGEA) and arranged a meeting with the president. We agreed to meet (in boy clothes) at a local mall. This was the first time i had ever talked to or met with another cross-dresser. When I arrived I was surprised to see he wasn't alone, he had a male friend with him. Later I found out that they were gay and that the other guy was his boyfriend. I thought that it was bad judgement on the presidents part to surprise me with another person on our first meeting, and thought if he did this to all the newcomers they would lose a few. But in any case we talked for a while and got the meeting information (time and place).

The first meeting was on a Saturday night in September. It was a perfect night, balmy with a soft breeze. I was both scared and excited about the prospect of meeting about 50 dressers. The meeting was about an hours drive from my house and was in a hotel in northern Virginia. I wasn't used to going into hotels dressed at this point in my life, plus meeting all these dressers was making me a little jittery. I screwed up my courage and walked in.

When I entered the room, it had an almost partylike atmosphere. Alot of the people there seemed to know each other and there was alot of conversation chatter. People seemed to like me and many commented on how nice I looked, which was great. I mingled a bit and discovered that there were basically 3 types of transgendered people (actually now I think there are more but at that point it looked like 3 groups): transsexuals who usually dressed very casually (jeans, etc); cross-dressers that usually were married or in relationships with women and were dressed very formally; and fetish transvestites, who dressed in more racy, or overtly sexual outfits. Later I found this initial impression to be overly simplistic. The lines between these groups are actually much more blurred. (and I would learn that first hand).

The biggest surprise of the evening was meeting a GG (genetic girl) named Judy (shown in the photo to the right) who ran a local transformation studio (The Feminine Mystique) and who also was a Mistress in the BDSM community. It was quite interesting to meet a real girl who was so turned on by cross-dressers. I had never thought much about S&M, it always seemed a bit dark and unhealthy to me. But Judy seemed so nice and intelligent that my opinion of it improved somewhat.

The other surprise was meeting transsexuals and finding myself drawn to them and their full-time lifestyle. This also began my exploration to determine if I was also a transsexual and not a cross-dresser, a term and lifestyle that I had previously settled on for myself.

After the meeting I was pretty blown away. There was so much to digest, and I didnt want to wait for the next meeting a month away, so I began calling other support groups in other cities. I found a Renaissance meeting in York, Pennsylvania that was scheduled in two weeks.

The weeks flew by, and I found myself preparing for my long car trip to Pennsylvania for my second support group meeting, I estimated that the trip was going to be about 2 1/2 hours each way. It was going to be the furthest I had ever ventured away from home dressed like a girl. Its sort of funny but I decided not to take any boy clothes with me. I thought that I wanted to experience the evening as a woman, and if I ran into trouble didn't want to provide an easy escape for myself back into boy mode. I found it kind of exciting to be so far away from home and forced to deal with what ever might happen as a woman.

Driving the superhighways as a girl is quite an experience. I had no idea how many guys want to flirt with a woman going 55 mph. The other funny thing were the truck drivers, they would race up along side me then just hover there for miles trying to get a good look at my legs peaking out from under my short skirt. Sometimes they would honk their horn at me. It was kind of embarrasing, scary, and fun all at the same time, a strange mix of emotions!

I finally arrived and all the people there seemed really warm and friendly. For some reason I felt more at home with them than the group in Washington. They seemed a little more laid back and relaxed, but I have to admit there was not the diversity there like I found in TGEA in Washington. Everyone I met was a cross dresser, I didnt meet any transsexuals or anyone into alternative lifestyles. I also met the president of the group and his wife. They both were very beautiful.

I completed my exploration of support groups 2 weeks later when I ventured to Philadelphia to another Renaissance group meeting. On this trip however, I got pulled over by a Pennsylvania State Trooper for making an illegal u turn (I had made the wrong turn trying to find the meeting). This was the first time I had to deal with the police while dressed. I was pretty scared, especially with a male drivers license and looking so "pretty"! Anyway he came up and I showed him my licence and said, "Is this you?". And I explained to him that I was a cross-dresser and was trying to find this suppport group. He was really nice and for the first time in my life, I didnt get a ticket after being pulled over. I was really shaking my head after that. I was thinking that maybe he liked the way I looked, or maybe he cross-dressed too, or maybe he was uncomfortable with me and wanted me out of his face as quickly as possible. In any event I was very relieved!

In spite of my police scare, this group turned out to be my favorite. There was more of a mix of people there, yet they still had the warmth of the group in York, PA. I also met the most passable cross dresser that I had ever seen. Her name was Diane, and she really looked completely like a woman to me. Everyone else I had met up to that point, I could tell were really guys. Diane was married to a woman and had 3 daughters and lived most of her life in guy mode. I thought to myself, wow there are really alot of girls in that household!

They were also selling Tapestry Magazine at the meeting and I was very interested in the personel ads in the back. I also met Joanne Roberts, I had seen her on a talk show a few months earlier. Joanne Roberts is a "pistol", shes a hetero crossdresser with the personality of a drag queen. She was quite flamboyant!

TG PEN PALS

When I got home I began writing letters to the girls in Tapestry Magazine. My pen pal list grew until I found myself corresponding with about 100 girls around the world. This was before the internet explosion so writing letters was the best way to correspond, luckily I had a computer so it made my job a bit easier. It was really interesting though, and with all the mail I got, I felt very popular. I had a POBox under the name Alexandra Richards. This is not my real last name, but I liked Richards because it reminded me of Renee Richards, a famous transsexual from the 1970's.

Through the fall and early winter months of 1992, I continued to dress quite a bit. I would go shopping alot en femme and would have support group meetings on weekends. I still found I was pretty isolated in my life. I did have my friends in the meetings, but most were married and I had my pen pals, but I still found I was missing the day to day companionship.

INTRODUCTION TO THE BDSM/FETISH COMMUNITY

In January 1993, at the TGEA support meeting, Judy (the mistress I had met in an earlier meeting) told me she was starting a support group within the Black Rose (a BDSM support and social group in Washington DC) for guys interested in the fetish aspects of cross-dressing. It seemed like it would be an interesting experience, so I thought I would come and see what this BDSM stuff was all about.

The first Black Rose meeting was in downtown DC on a Sunday afternoon. Parking was pretty bad and I had to park about a 1/2 a mile away from the meeting house. It was interesting to walk that far in a dress and heels in downtown DC during the daylight hours. I got approached a few times by guys telling me how nice I looked. I wondered if they thought I was a hooker? Even though nobody made any sexual remarks to me, I still wasn't sure about all the attention! I finally got there and there was a fairly large fellow in a very frilly maids outfit and stiletto heels, that greeted us at the door. It turns out he was one of Judy's 'slaves'. I really didnt understand how all this worked, although later I found out that this guy had a regular life but donated blocks of his time to assist Judy. And when he took the slave's role he basically did what ever she asked, no questions asked. This certainly was a different world!

There were about 30 people attending: about 10 genetic girls, 10 men (later I found out about half were dressers who were too shy to dress in public and half were dominant men), and about 10 men dressed in some stage of feminine attire. It was set up with folding metal chairs in rows and there was a podium and low stage at the front of the room.

Judy began the meeting talking about her life and her slaves. Basically how great her life was. She had men (sissy slaves) that cleaned her apartment and did errands for her. She also talked about how much fun she had with some of her slaves, for example sending them out to do errands in guy mode but wearing eye make-up. She like pushing the envelope with her sissies. She called two TV's up on stage from the audience and had them sing and dance, they were so bad it was funny and everyone in the audience was laughing, which I think aroused the TV's. It seems that humiliation is a common fantasy of submissive cross dressers. I think it may have its roots in low self esteem or feeling like they are flawed as men and want to be punished for having these unusual fantasies.

After this show was over, Judy then began calling other dressers in the audience on stage and asked them about their fantasies. This made me so nervous because I knew that since I was dressed there was no place to hide and she would eventually call me up there.

Finally it was my turn and Judy remarked how great I looked. I was definately the most attractive/passible dresser there (even though I am 6'4). I told her I was pretty new to this and she asked if anyone had any suggestions on how I could entertain them. A woman in the back of the room then called out for me to take off my blouse and skirt. So I had to do a little strip tease (down to my underwear) to about 30 people. It was embarrassing and fun at the same time, boy did I blush! I have to admit there was also an incredible adrenaline rush afterwards, I felt almost high. The next meeting was set for a month later.

After the fun ended Judy announced that a friend of hers, Lainee, who ran a fetish clothing business (Wicked Ways) was having a fashion show in March at a big hotel and she was looking for crossdressing models. It had always been a fantasy of mine to be a runway model, so I got her phone number. She also announced that there was going to be a dungeon party at a club in DC in a few weeks and that we were all invited.

When I got home I called Lainee at Wicked Ways and we made arrangements to meet at the Dungeon Party in Washington DC in a few weeks, which she was attending to promote her business of fetish clothing. The weeks flew buy, and the night of the Dungeon Party came and I headed downtown dressed in a short black skirt, lace top, and heels.

When I got to the club the place was hopping, there were several crossdressers there but mostly it was people in fetish (leather, etc) wear. I have to admit some of the genetic girls looked amazing in their outfits!

After a few minutes, I was approached by another dresser at the bar and we began talking. Then a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Alexandra. I suppose since I had told Lainee that I was 6'4 all she had to do was look for an incredibly tall woman!

Lainee liked me right away and she thought I looked fantastic. We talked for a while then she invited me to a gathering at her home next Sunday afternoon with the other models in the show to select our outfits. I stayed at the party for about an hour and met some very nice people. Many people I spoke with couldn't get over how nice (convincing) I looked, in spite of my height.

When I got to Lainee's house the following week, I was blown away by some of the other models. She apparently had connections to several exotic dancing (strip) clubs and there were about 20 of the most gorgeous females (genetic girls) I have ever seen.