Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

No one seems to summarize the important lessons of life better than Jack Handey and his Deep Thoughts

Enjoy!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a war without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk. And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practise on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think that a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now THAT'S a documentary!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfest table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force the pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us secrets of life, becuase we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: JAck Handey

Advice to vampires: why not "do your business" as a bat, not a human. Easier that way, and less pollution.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a "tap barrier," and we could move on from there.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for awhile. Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my granfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The tired and thristy prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's 'fashionable.'" But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

DEEP THOUGTHS By: Jack Handey

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know what makes good hair for a snowman? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think my favorite monster movie is Gone With the Wind, becuase it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I'd tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I'd look.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I could be any kind of dog. I think I'd be one of those little yappy dogs, because while you're sitting there on the couch trying to sound real smart, I'm just sitting there, yapping away. Just yappin' and yappin', and there's nothing you can do about it, because I live here.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: at least the bird is less nude.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a cute idea would be about a parrot who is raised with eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared

at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people would go, "Who is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?" he said. "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis. I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my "pad".

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

DEEP THOUGHTS By:

Jack Handey I think man invented the car by instinct.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning", he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest, and groinal area.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen- ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you . . .

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Hande

y Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when walkin around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from buglers.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flapping.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water@0A@s! How do they do that?!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whether they live in a igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want to the same thing: a better house.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.' " They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl!? I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with that dork!" and point to another father.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I remembered how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I! (Answer: me.)

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean jellyfish with long, blond hair.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula, AND Superman away.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove hime to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think that weaping willows weap because they have just found out that the rocks are dead.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Today, I accidently stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whenever I go to the city I see bums lining the subway with their cups held out for money. They look so sad, so to make them happy I throw a bottle cap in their cups to give them that happy gingling feeling.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped, he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Cavemen because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think "Hey, what's for supper?"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever fall off of the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying is was a joke--just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable--until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He Started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then, the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long though.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered togther one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo- Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey I

think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Lets climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--something like that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go. Because, man, they're gone.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around aand pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I was a doctor, operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse, That ought to do it. In any case, I'd take the $100 bill back before he woke up.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down in some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in 20 years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey I

wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater. And it's not the steamroller. No, wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you go through a lot of hammers every month, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a hard worker; only that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wouldn't want to be a giant, because the only movies you could go see would be at the drive-in; and hey - you'd probably crush some cars.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planbet.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two seperate words-- "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait. Not me, you.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa upon the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa didn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry cleaning bags?

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

DEEP THOUGHTS By: Jack Handey

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have beards.

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