General Questions and Answers About Homosexuality

A guide for youth

© 1998 New Direction for Life.
All rights reserved.

• What is homosexuality?
• What is sexual orientation?
• How many gay and lesbian people are there?
• Can you tell if someone is attracted to the same gender by the way they look or act?
• Why are some people gay or lesbian?
• Is it possible for a person who is gay to become straight?
• Get real. Aren't people who say they've changed just pretending, or never gay in the first place?
• Why would someone who experiences same-gender attraction want to change anyway?
• What do you mean by change?
• Where do I find help, or just someone to talk with?
• If I think I might be gay or lesbian, do I have to decide right now?
• If I think I might be gay or lesbian, shouldn't I try it out to see if I am?
• If I feel I really am gay or lesbian, does that mean I just have to learn to live with it and like it?
• Aren't you just a bunch of homophobes?
• We recognize that, in the following questions, readers will understand the term "God" in different ways according to their personal background:
• Some people say God hates homosexuals. What do you think?
• Does God love people who try to change but don't succeed?
• Does God love people who don't want to change?
• I've prayed and prayed and asked God to change me, but nothing's happened...

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Our Responses
this side

A guide for readers of the webpage by New Direction for Life

Where they existed we have also added in various hidden text by the New Direction author that is not seen on the webpage but which has obviously been designed to help adapt their opinions for a conservative Christian audience. Such hidden text is highlighted on the left in red and italics

Homosexuality is men being sexually and emotionally attracted to men, and women being sexually and emotionally attracted to women. This is also called same-gender attraction. Words sometimes used to describe those who experience same-gender attraction include homosexual people and gay men and lesbian women. However, not everyone who experiences same-gender attraction chooses to identify himself or herself as gay or lesbian.

Heterosexuality means men being sexually and emotionally attracted to women, and women being sexually and emotionally attracted to men. This is also called opposite-gender attraction. Straight and heterosexual are other words used to describe those who experience opposite-gender attraction.

OUR RESPONSE

Homosexuality is men being sexually and emotionally attracted to men, and women being sexually and emotionally attracted to women. This is also called same-gender attraction. Words sometimes used to describe those who experience same-gender attraction include homosexual people and gay men and lesbian women.

Heterosexuality means men being sexually and emotionally attracted to women, and women being sexually and emotionally attracted to men. This is also called opposite-gender attraction. Straight and heterosexual are other words used to describe those who experience opposite-gender attraction.

Bisexuality means men being sexually and emotionally attracted to both men women, and women being sexually and emotionally attracted to both women and men. Bi is an abbreviated word used to describe those who experience attractions to both genders.

In truth, very few people could be described as 100% homosexual or 100% heterosexual. These are merely points at either end of a simple scale devised by Alfred Kinsey and most people experience some degree of attraction to both sexes (even if just a passing fantasy).

Even more confusing is use of the words gay or lesbian. Typically these words are used by homosexuals if they have both recognized and accepted their sexual and emotional orientation as exclusively or largely toward their own gender. Heterosexuals will often use these words much more loosely and often focus on sexual activity without regard for the emotional aspects.

[List of Questions]

Sexual orientation refers to the direction of a person's sexual attractions and desires. Am I attracted to people of the same sex? This is sometimes called same-gender attraction, or a homosexual orientation. Am I attracted to people of the opposite sex? This is sometimes called opposite-gender attraction, or a heterosexual orientation.

OUR RESPONSE

"Sexual orientation is one of the four components of sexuality and is distinguished by an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectionate attraction to individuals of a particular gender.

The three other components of sexuality are biological sex, gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and social sex role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior). Three sexual orientations are commonly recognized: homosexual, attraction to individuals of one's own gender; heterosexual, attraction to individuals of the other gender; or bisexual, attractions to members of either gender. Persons with a homosexual orientation are sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or as lesbian (women only).

Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept. Persons may or may not express their sexual orientation in their behaviors."

This excellent working definition is as used by the American Psychological Association the largest professional body in the United States. [2]

Note: Having some sexual attractions to your own gender or having experimented sexually with others of the same sex does not mean you are homosexual, or even bisexual in the strictest meaning. Most straight men (over 50%) and women experience such feelings from time to time even though they may never act on those feelings or will only do so if an opposite sex partner is not available (prisons and the armed forces are two examples where this occurs frequently). When such fleeting thoughts occur they may be nothing more than a simple contemplation of what would be possible rather than an expression of genuine sexual/emotional desire.

It is important to keep this in mind whenever one reads the personal histories of so-called "ex-gay" people. Often these people seem completely overwhelmed by guilt because they have experienced such innocent contemplation.

According to most new studies, between 2% and 4% of the population is gay or lesbian. You may have heard or read the answer "10%." This number comes from a man named Alfred Kinsey, who did research in the late 1940's. There are various problems with the way he did his research, and the answer of ten percent is now considered too high.

While numbers might be interesting to know about, the size of a group of people should not determine how they are treated. Whether there are many gay and lesbian people, or only a few, they should be treated with the same respect as anyone else.

• More information on Kinsey's work and on the new studies is available.

OUR RESPONSE

We fully agree that numbers alone are utterly irrelevant when considering whether individual gay men or women should be treated with respect. Where we suspect we differ is that we also believe that whether gay men and women should be treated with equity should also be independent of the numbers involved. Basic human rights should not a matter to be decided by vote but should be applied equally and genuinely to all people.

To return to text - any answer to a question of how many gay men and women there are depends greatly on how the question is worded and how the survey is conducted.

It should almost go without saying that many gay men and women fear the result of their sexuality becoming publicly known - it may mean the loss of their job, being rejected by their family or possibly even violence as a result. Likewise, many other gay men and women also do not wish to identify as gay or lesbian because of their own feelings of self-hatred.

Quite obviously such people are unlikely to be totally honest in many surveys and especially so if the survey is conducted face-to-face by a stranger and if the survey is not done anonymously.

Wide-area surveys (such as those that New Direction appear to be quoting) will typically return a result of between 1% and 2% as being prepared to state they are homosexual. Such wide-area surveys are further made inaccurate because they do not factor in that openly gay men and women tend to concentrate into particular areas within particular urban areas. If these specific areas are missed the survey will under-estimate the numbers of openly gay people. (It is insufficient, for example, merely to add "New York" or "San Francisco" to the surveyed cities - one most also ensure the so-called "gay ghettos" are incorporated.

However it is possible to obtain more accurate results by setting up the survey in a way that will overcome these problems. Such targeted surveys have consistently returned the following:

About 5% of people have an exclusively or near exclusively homosexual orientation throughout their adult life. Another 5% could be termed as bisexual. Over 30% of people have experienced some same-gender contact and about 50% of people fantasize about homosexual activity.

The work originally done by Alfred Kinsey, and in particular his landmark studies published in 1948 and 1953 [3], has been subject to enormous scrutiny and have done so since publication. His work has been largely confirmed by subsequent studies and all the criticisms have been largely dismissed (of which Maslow's was the best founded, for example).

Criticism of Kinsey's work seems largely to come from those people who are simply unwilling to accept that homosexuality is both commonplace and that it crosses all social and economic classes. Such visceral responses have little to do with the science of statistical measurement.

Generally, you cannot tell whether someone is attracted to the same gender or the opposite gender by the way they look or act. If a girl likes playing sports, or if a guy doesn't like sports, that doesn't mean they're gay. A guy who lisps or who is limp-wristed may or may not be attracted to the same gender -- you can't tell by looking at his mannerisms.

Occasionally, you can tell that someone is gay, if that person wants it known. For example, some gay and lesbian people wear articles of clothing, symbols or accessories to indicate that they're gay.

OUR RESPONSE

Well...of course! Can anyone spell "stereotype"???

If someone tells you they are gay or if you see them engaged in same-gender sexual activity to answer is fairly clear. Obviously, this also applies to heterosexuals!

However it is impossible to tell if someone is gay or straight by their clothes, mannerisms, speach or what sort of job they have.

Nearly all heterosexuals make others aware of their sexuality by constant referring to their boyfriend or girlfriend, wearing a wedding ring or talking about their children. Most gay men and women are much more cautious about disclosing their sexuality and are rarely visually obvious in day-to-day settings.

There are different ideas around about why some people experience same-gender attraction:

1. There's a lot of talk about people being "born gay". Sometimes news magazines have even made it sound like scientists have actually found genetic proof. So far, there is no evidence that this is really true. A person who reads what scientists themselves have written will see that there is no reason to believe that anyone is born gay.

   Are people born gay? Read about the three studies that have gotten the most attention -- Simon LeVay and the INAH-3, Bailey & Pillard and their twin study, and Hamer's genetic markers study.

2. Other people believe that some people are gay because they chose to be gay. For most gay people, this is not true. They did not wake up one morning and say to themselves, "well, so far in my life I've been straight; from now on I think I am going to be gay." To whom we are attracted is not something that we can quickly change, like switching a light on and off.

   Of course, whether gay or straight, we always have a choice about what we do -- whether and how we act on our feelings and desires. Just because we feel like doing something, doesn't mean we are compelled to do it. As well, those who experience same-gender attraction can choose whether or not they wish to identify themselves with a label like "gay" or "lesbian."

3. Others believe that some people are gay because of what happened to them during their life. They may have been hurt emotionally and it may affect the way the feel about themselves. They may have been sexually abused or had a broken relationship with one or both of their parents. (Of course, not everyone who has been sexually abused is attracted to the same sex. And not everyone who is attracted to the same sex has been sexually abused. But many of the people who want to leave homosexuality have had one or both of these experiences.) Over time, and as other things happened, the result was that they became attracted to people of the same sex. This factor is sometimes called "environmental" or "developmental" or "nurture rather than nature."

   • Are some people gay because of what happened in their life? Read some personal stories.

OUR RESPONSE

There are a lot of different ideas around - but very few of these have any basis in science or medicine and the overwhelming majority of them have been proved wrong over the past 30 years

Early psychiatric theories about "smothering mothers" and "distant fathers" have been totally disproved. Some gay men and women do have such backgrounds, but they are no more common than they are for heterosexuals.

The best known revisits to these old theories are nearly all based on the publications of Elizabeth Moberly from the early 1980's. Nicolosi placed a gloss on her ideas in his publications a decade later and he remains a leading figure among pro-change professionals. [4] Of course, no amount of modern re-writes can disguise the fact these "new" theories actually date back to the dark-ages of the profession.

When asked the question nearly all gay men and women categorically state that they did not chose to be gay or simply say they don't know why they are gay. Typically, those people that do say they "chose" to be gay are bisexual in their orientation and therefore are able to "chose" whether to take a male or female partner. (But once again a bisexual orientation is also not a choice even if the gender of a partner is.)

The belief that to be gay is a choice is generally held only by anti-gay heterosexuals - and one wonders how they would know about such things anyway. Hypocritically such individuals also rarely believe their own heterosexuality was a choice!

To further confuse the issue; some people may become involved for a period of time in homosexual activity because of personal circumstances or through experimentation even though such activity does not reference their underlying sexual orientation or their identity. (On mere numbers alone the majority of homosexual acts are done by people who would consider themselves to be heterosexual.) Such a situation is identical to that of a gay man or woman who "tried" heterosexuality to see if they liked it. Such experimentation usually does nothing more than reinforce the person's underlying orientation.

One is lead to believe that it is from such a group of people that the "ex-gay" groups can produce their "ex-gays" however these people were never homosexual to begin with. Being a heterosexual, engaging in a few gay experiments and then returning to your heterosexuality does not and could not make one an ex-gay by definition!

Modern sexuality professionals overwhelmingly believe that a person's sexuality is not chosen and is fixed by at least 2 or 3 years of age. They do not believe environmental factors influence the underlying sexuality although such factors may have a great bearing on how that person deals with their heterosexual or homosexual orientation.

Is it possible for a person who is gay to become straight?

If you listen to what some people say, the answer is "Of course not. Once gay, always gay".

But some people have changed. Earlier they were gay; now they are straight! Changing isn't easy, but it is possible. There are hundreds of men and women who have experienced this change. Pat's story is just one example. She is a former lesbian who was in a relationship with another woman for five years. Today, she is no longer attracted to women but experiences sexual attraction to men.

There are, of course, many men and women who do not want to change their sexual orientation. That's their choice. If you don't want to change, you don't have to. But if you or someone you know is not content being gay, there is a way out.

• Read the personal stories of some gay and lesbian people who decided to go straight, including Pat's story.
• Various articles which provide evidence of change have been published in professional journals. We review and summarize 17 of these articles in "Homosexuality and the Possibility of Change."

OUR RESPONSE

Actually, if you listen to the majority of sexuality professionals they will also say it is not possible to change someone's sexual orientation - either from gay to straight or the other way around.

Our response to all claims to be able to change someone's sexuality mirrors that held by all the professional bodies over the past 30 years - "Show us the data."

Change has a curious definition when used by those groups who want to turn gay people into straight people. For them merely deciding to no longer call yourself gay is a "change". Of course, someone could decide to do this without changing their sexual orientation. Joining a so-called ex-gay group may be a lifestyle change for that person, but it does not indicate they have changed their sexuality by even the slightest amount!

Of note: People who are bisexual are able to move from gay relationships to straight ones (or vice-versa). They can do this without changing their sexuality and what type of relationship such people are currently in or formerly were in does not indicate their underlying sexual orientation as being "homosexual" or "heterosexual. A homosexual (or heterosexual) merely deciding to be celibate also does not undergo any change in their sexual orientation.

The following is a good summary of the facts from the largest professional body in the United States, the American Psychological Association.

"Can therapy change sexual orientation?

No. Even though homosexual orientation is not a mental illness and there is no scientific reason to attempt conversion of lesbians or gays to heterosexual orientation, some individuals may seek to change their own sexual orientation or that of another individual (for example, parents seeking therapy for their child). Some therapists who undertake this kind of therapy report that they have changed their client's sexual orientation (from homosexual to heterosexual) in treatment. Close scrutiny of their reports indicates several factors that cast doubt: many of the claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective on sexual orientation, rather than from mental health researchers; the treatments and their outcomes are poorly documented; and the length of time that clients are followed up after the treatment is too short.

In 1990, the American Psychological Association stated that scientific evidence does not show that conversion therapy works and that it can do more harm than good. Changing one's sexual orientation is not simply a matter of changing one's sexual behavior. It would require altering one's emotional, romantic and sexual feelings and restructuring one's self-concept and social identity. Although some mental health providers do attempt sexual orientation conversion, others question the ethics of trying to alter through therapy a trait that is not a disorder and that is extremely important to an individual's identity.

Not all gays and lesbians who seek therapy want to change their sexual orientation. Gays and lesbians may seek counseling for any of the same reasons as anyone else. In addition, they may seek psychological help to 'come out' or to deal with prejudice, discrimination and violence."

(Note: emphasis mine).

This clear position since 1975 of the APA representing some 150,000 mental health professionals is in marked contrast to the major Pro-Change professional group (NARTH) who have some 800 members - many of which are unqualified and from religious organizations. The view of the APA is also held by the American Psychiatric Association with a further 150,000 professionally recognized members who deleted homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1973. [5]

You may also read our review of the "Homosexuality and the Possibility of Change." article mentioned in the New Direction text. What is interesting is that New Direction dismisses the NARTH contribution because it lacks proper academic standards!

One man's response to that argument went something like this: "If I never was gay in the first place, why did I spend 10 years in gay bars and having sex with other men? If I am still gay, then why have these last 7 years with my wife been the most wonderful years of my life?" His story indicates that he has experienced a radical turnaround in terms of his attractions and desires.

Of course, some people who say they've changed may just be pretending. And, as is sometimes suggested, some who say they've changed were bisexual (attracted to both men and women) to start off with, which makes claims of change hard to verify. But many who say they've changed were exclusively homosexual to begin with, which makes change significantly more convincing!

OUR RESPONSE

Why indeed would that man do such a thing? And who is this person anyway?

One needs to watch the language used by those making such claims very carefully. What - for example - does exclusively homosexual mean here? Does this mean the person was once in a gay relationship and is now in a straight one? Or does it mean that up until now they had only experienced gay sex?

That's all fine and good to know about but what about some indications about levels of attraction, emotional states, secret fantasies or behaviour etc etc etc!!!

Without knowing these and without having them verified makes such claims as presented by New Direction as good as useless for advancing any understanding. This man could well have also been attracted to women but for any number of reasons was only having gay sex at this time.

We could well respond by stating the obvious reverse of this man's comment - "If I never was straight in the first place, why did I spend 10 years in straight bars and having sex with women? If I am still straight, then why have these last 7 years with my partner been the most wonderful years of my life?"

This is a common history for many gay men and the reason they had sex with women was not because they were straight but because they believed they simply "hadn't met the right girl yet" and if they kept trying she would turn up one day. Readers may be surprised how long some gay men and women keep up this delusional form of denial.

One needs only check the histories of people within the so-called ex-gay groups to know how many members go from loudly proclaiming to have changed when initially recruited and then go onto saying they were lying only a year or two later. Rarely does a new ex-gay last longer than a few years before becoming an ex-ex-gay!

There are different reasons why people may want to change their sexual orientation, to become straight instead of gay.

Some people want to change because others want them to. Maybe their parents don't want them to be gay. Maybe some of their friends have stopped being their friends. Whatever the case, that's not a good enough reason. It won't work, and you'll only be unhappy. If you want to change, do it for yourself, because you want to change.

Some people want to change because they think that once they're straight, all their problems will disappear. This is just not true! There is no quick-fix way to become straight or to deal with all of life's problems. Both take a lot of work.

Some people want to change because they don't think they really are gay, even though they are attracted to the same sex and not the opposite sex. Deep inside, they say, "This might be what I feel, but it's not who I really am." Or, "This might be what I feel, but it's not who I really want to be." And so they choose to leave homosexuality and begin the journey of change.

Some people want to change because their religious beliefs say that homosexual behaviour is not what God wants of their lives. Influenced by their strong religious convictions, they have decided to give up their homosexual behaviour and to change their attraction as well. It is a difficult path to choose, but it's what they want to do.

OUR RESPONSE

At it's core all these desires to change have one overwhelming cause - because others want them to.

Gay men and women are part of a misunderstood, disliked and frequently hated minority. Their lives are constantly belittled, their humanity treated unequally and they face constant prejudice. To deny these facts would be ridiculous.

It is therefore hardly surprising that many homosexuals wish they were not.

They do not do this because being gay of and by itself causes them these hardships, but because of the way others treat them and because of the anti-gay attitudes they have absorbed.

Whether someone wishes to change from gay to straight is utterly irrelevant if such a change is not possible. Modern sexuality professionals do not believe such a change can occur and therefore concentrate on helping the gay individual deal with their negative feelings about themself.

By change we mean change from same-gender behaviour, attraction, fantasy, and identity toward opposite-gender behaviour, attraction, fantasy and identity (how a person views himself or herself). This kind of change does not happen by magic or wishful thinking. It is a difficult process and often takes a number of years.

Some people who were exclusively attracted to the same gender have experience a complete change and become exclusively heterosexual. Some people have experienced a partial change, and have become attracted to the opposite sex while still having some attraction to the same sex. Others find that change does not seem to be happening for them.

By change we mean a change in behaviour, attraction, fantasy and self-identification. Let's take a look at these areas:

Behaviour:
For starters, change involves ceasing homosexual behaviour. Unlike our feelings and desires, we can make direct choices about our behaviour. We can choose not to be sexually active. We can choose not to buy pornography or watch a certain film. While ceasing homosexual behaviour is just the first step, it is an all-important step. For example, every time Joe masturbated while looking at gay pornography, his mind put what he saw (images of men) together with what he felt (pleasure from masturbating). This made the attraction to men stronger, because it was associated with pleasure. When Joe decided he wanted to change, he started by getting rid of all his pornography and resolving not to get any more.

Sometimes we do not seem to have total control over our behaviour. We find that we repeat the same habits even though we do not want to. A support group can help a person understand why the compulsion is so strong and to answer that important question: "What is it I really want when I ... (masturbate, view pornography, go out cruising, etc.)?"

Attractions and Fantasies:
Deeper change has to do with what we feel -- our emotions, desires, attractions -- and our fantasies. Sometimes people think that "changing" means living in denial of our feelings. A true change of sexual orientation is not about "just quit it." True change requires facing our feelings, including the hurts that we have experienced in life. This is often hard work, but rewarding in the long run. The emotional needs that are behind our attraction to the same sex must be understood and met in healthy new ways. Some of these needs may relate to love we never felt we received from a parent, feeling alienated from the same sex, other loneliness, and difficulty accepting ourselves. In the area of fantasy, change may be in the form of just not having sexual pictures or thoughts come to mind when we are around others of the same gender.

Identity:
In terms of identity (how I view myself), change means not feeling lesbian or gay anymore. Some of the men who have been helped by New Direction's ministry describe the change as no longer feeling "different" from other men. Others say it no longer matters to them if they know "who is and who isn't (homosexual)" in a social setting. Of course, there are people who experience same-gender attraction who have not identified themselves as gay or lesbian. For them, change in the area of self-identity is not an issue.

People who experience a change in sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual usually report changes in behaviour first, followed by changes in their feelings in the areas of self-identity, attraction and fantasy. It takes patience and courage to choose this path. You can't do it alone either. You need the help of others who understand what is involved in the process of change.

• The article Getting Out: Some things you should know about the journey out of homosexuality provides additional information.

OUR RESPONSE

Such claims need only be responded to by repeating what we said before:

Stopping the behaviour does not make you no longer a homosexual anymore than a guy in-between girlfriends would be an "ex-straight". Like heterosexuals, gay men and women know what they feel even before their first sexual encounter and this makes a nonsense of the masturbation claim. The reason Joe was masturbating to gay porn in the first place was because he had those feelings - straight Joe didn't just pick up a gay porn magazine and turn gay over time. The reason Joe found masturbating to those images pleasurable was because he already had a gay or bisexual orientation.

There are obviously some "strange" fellows that go through the New Direction Ministry, because most gay men do not "feel different to other men". This is perhaps the most telling statement made about the type of people who attracted to the ex-gay groups.

The discussion about feelings and the like being caused by family dynamics reflects nothing more than New Direction's use of those old psychiatric theories and we end by issuing the same challenge as we offered at the start of this section:

"Show me one person who has been verified by independent and scientific means to have changed their sexual orientation..."

The answer, as always, is to offer us anything but such proof.

We're sorry - but a faith based belief that it should be possible to change or undocumented claims that it occurred to "someone" are completely inadequate and utterly unconvincing.

'First, there is very poor evidence of [conversion] therapy being very successful ... There is some evidence of short-term behavior change, especially among patients who were not exclusively homosexual when they entered therapy ... At the very least, there should be very plain understanding about the potential efficacy--or lack of it--when treatment begins,'
Eli Coleman, PhD
Director (human sexuality)
University of Minnesota.

'Nobody has ever had any real success in changing sexual identity ... Is it ethical to offer therapy that has a long history of being ineffective?'
Dean Klinkenberg, PhD,
postdoctoral fellow in clinical psychology
Missouri Institute of Mental Health

Both quotes can be seen at the APA website

Check out Where to Find Help for a list of people you can talk with and organizations who can answer more of your questions.

OUR RESPONSE

Almost any therapist trained in sexuality counselling will be able to help you and there are also many free support groups. Often these groups are run by gay organizations but they will be quite OK about talking to you if you are merely curious or have some questions - the gay support lines get many such calls each day. If you are wondering about your own sexuality it may help you to determine what you are by talking to a "real" gay person. Many young people do work out they are straight (but maybe just a little bit bisexual) by talking to gay men or women.

Another very helpful group is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). This group exists to support gay men and women but most of it's members are the straight mothers and fathers and friends of gays. Talking to these straight people who know many gay people may be able to help answer any of your questions.

No, you do not have to decide right now. The teenage years are often confusing years, as you go through puberty and your hormones kick in and your body begins to change. Do not rush to label your feelings. Give yourself time and space. Remember that some confusion about sexual feelings is typical for most people. As well, there may be other reasons for the way you feel. If there are specific questions or concerns you have, check out one of the following:

• I think I might be gay... (for boys and young men).
• I think I might be lesbian... (for girls and young women).

OUR RESPONSE

What's to "decide"? New Direction claimed there was no choice involved just a few questions before!

A better reply would have been to restate this fact, restate that many people have some degree of same-gender attractions, and state that any young person will know the answer within themself with time.

We do NOT recommend trying it out. Having sex with another person of the same gender will not tell you whether you are gay or lesbian anyway. What it will tell you is that your body is designed to respond to physical and sexual touch, and that sex can be enjoyable and pleasurable. And that by itself won't tell you whether you are gay or lesbian.

As well, if you do not want to be gay or same-gender-attracted in your adult life, it would be best not to experiment sexually. Such experimentation builds a connection in your mind between (sexual) pleasure and being with someone of the same gender. This makes change a bit harder than for someone who is attracted to the same gender but has never acted on it. It may also reduce the possibility that you will experience your sexuality becoming more and more heterosexual in orientation by itself as you grow up.

• Note: Some confusion about sexual feelings is normal, particularly in the early teen years when one is going through all the changes of puberty. A survey of 34,000 students in Minnesota found that 25% of students age 12 said they were "not sure" about their sexual orientation. By age 17, only 5% of the students were still "unsure". Almost all of those who had been unsure now felt they were heterosexual.
• The I think I might be gay because I had a same-sex experience once and got turned on... or I think I might be lesbian because I had a sexual experience with a girl once and got turned on... questions may be helpful to you.
• The I think I might be gay... (for boys and young men) and I think I might be lesbian... (for girls and young women) articles provide other possibilities for the way you feel.

OUR RESPONSE

New Direction are again pursing the line that one can become gay simply by experimenting with some same-gender sexual activity. Does it not occur to them that a completely heterosexual person wouldn't be even considering such things in the first place?!

Curiously (for us anyway), having heterosexual experiences did nothing more than confirm our own gay sexuality. Contrary to what the New Direction author must experience we actually find both our mind and our body is involved when we engage in sexual activity. We were fully aware we were trying to engage in sexual activity with a gender we weren't actually attracted to in that way with all our (limited) heterosexual encounters.

The reference to confusion about sexual orientation completely misses the point. Such confusion is a direct result of homosexuality being a hidden and often incorrectly discussed topic and not because young men and women do not know what they are feeling. If children were able to learn at an early age exactly what to "be" gay or lesbian is they would be unlikely to be confused if and when they experience those commonplace and fleeting fantasies or when they felt curious about how others of their gender compared to themself.

The high figures quoted are not unusual for American children because of the inadequate and incomplete sex education they receive. It is a far lesser problem in Scandinavia or the Netherlands where sexuality education is tackled honestly and much more completely.

As with other things in life, you can choose what you want to do.

You can choose to accept that this is who you really are, and live your life accordingly. There are many people who have made that choice.

Or you can say to yourself, "I may feel I am gay/lesbian, but that's not what I want to be" and look for help in becoming the person you really do want to be. There are also those who have made this choice, though they may be harder to find. Some of their personal stories are on this site.

See Where to Find Help for information on where you can get help.

OUR RESPONSE

One cannot help but note the slight of hand done when New Direction moves from talking about choice and doing and choice and being.

And as can always be expected from such groups they have made light of the horrors of loneliness and depression that comes when travelling along their "path".

Yes, you do have a choice.

• You may waste years trying to turn straight and find yourself alone and still just as gay at the end of it all

• You may try to remain celibate and do without any of these deepest of relationships

• You can go seek out love and companionship with someone else who's gay just like yourself.

OUR RESPONSE

Actually we put more weight on what the modern sexuality professionals say and on what the tens of millions of happily gay men and lesbians say. These gay people are the ones who have truly seen both sides - because nearly all of us start with those feelings of self-hatred and work our way out of them as we mature into adults.

Homophobia would be better understood in their context if you were to say it was a "fear or hatred of oneself for being homosexual". If they had ever managed to get over those feelings of homophobia then they could have claimed to have truly experienced life on both sides. Sadly, they have not.

'What a lot of the conversion-therapy therapists seem to get are people with co-morbid pathologies that preclude them from developing a positive identity and intimate relationships, no matter what their sexual orientation,'.
Eli Coleman, PhD,
Director (human sexuality)
University of Minnesota.

Yes, these groups are homophobic because at their very core are negative feelings about homosexuality and being gay. This homophobia is why they do what they do.

New Direction are unsurprisingly dismissive of the most common outcomes of their guilt based programmes (depression and increased self-hatred leading to self destructive behaviour) but the methods used by the "ex-gay" groups has not escaped the attention of the genuine professional therapists who are left to deal with the mess afterwards. The APA is of the opinion that attempts at therapy may actually be harmful to a patient, as we have already discussed.

An excellent examination of the ethical issues surrounding attempts to convert homosexuals into heterosexuals was made by Haldeman in 1994. [6]

We believe that God loves everyone. It doesn't matter whether they're gay or straight, male or female, black, brown, white.... God created everyone and everything, and He loves all the people He made.

It is true that many cultures and religions, including Judaism, Christianity and Islam, say that sexual behaviour outside of marriage between a man and a woman is wrong. They say this because of how they see life and how they understand God created us. Saying that certain behaviour is wrong, does not mean that God hates the people who do that behaviour.

OUR RESPONSE

Who knows what God thinks? We have no comment on that unsupported opinion as it is a matter of personal belief.

What we will say is that it is extremely insulting to many Jews, Christians and Muslims to paint their religions as having a monolithic and unchanging view about sexuality or to try and present an anti-gay attitude as the only "correct" one for Jews, Christians or Muslims. We know many good people of these faiths and they appear not have a problem with either our sexuality or what they believe God thinks of our lives.

Even after making a rather weak statement about "understanding God" in the previous answer the assuming arrogance of the author is clearly seen here. It would be polite of New Direction Ministries if they were to always concede that their beliefs are from the conservative side of Christianity rather than try and present themselves as representing all Christians, Jews or Muslims.

YES, absolutely! Change is a difficult and long process. There will be people who experience same-sex attraction all their lives just as there are those who deal with other desires that they seem unable to control (i.e.., alcohol abuse). Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't give up just because some are not helped by their program, and neither do we. We offer support to those who choose to pursue sexual reorientation, and we stand by those who have changed their behaviour without experiencing major change in feelings and desires.

OUR RESPONSE

Hmmm, AA is at least able to show figures to back up their claims and also uses behaviour modification techniques well founded in medical science. AA does not base it's programmes on a belief that God will change the person if that person just prays hard enough.

It would be better to compare the efforts of AA to a programme designed to moderate particular behavioral aspects of any person's sexuality (eg. ending extreme promiscuity or infidelity etc). AA does not attempt to end alcoholism by stopping their members from drinking anything at all!

Despite the poor analogy used by New Direction we do at least have another concession from them about their being able to change behaviour but not feelings or desires - this is of course a failure to change sexual orientation by even their own definition.

OUR RESPONSE

As you can see, the full "Christian" version of this is considerably more illuminating and more preachy than the version New Direction places on the website for all to see. This reflects their true status as a American and conservative Protestant religious group rather than an organization formed to conduct sexuality counselling.

This claim to love is any easy one to make but it is completely at odds with the haranging and anti-gay style adopted by the ex-gay groups. A brief examination of any of their websites or literature will find constant reference to all the old suspect verses from the Bible, with use of terms such as "abomination", "unnatural" and "sin". They constantly fall back on using Bible verses with an anti-gay interpretation to try and convince people not to be gay.

Readers actually looking for support within a Christian environment may be interested in contacting the Metropolitan Community Church. With churches in many countries the MCC is actually the largest gay organization in the World with some 45,000 members. They believe that both homosexuality and heterosexuality are a gift to be celebrated and welcome worshippers who are gay or straight or anywhere in between!.

It certainly can be discouraging when our prayers do not seem to be answered the way we hope they will be. In regard to homosexuality, there are probably two reasons why prayers for healing and change are not answered the way we expect:

1. Expecting that God will magically snap His fingers and make a person's homosexuality go away is unrealistic. Change comes through process, not by magic. We need to be willing to go through such a process, putting the necessary components in place and taking the necessary action. This is more difficult than expecting God to do magic, but in the long run it is the only way to see real progress and deep change.

2. Sometimes God's priorities are different than our priorities. God may know that we need to deal with another issue first, even if it may seem unrelated to homosexual feelings and attractions.

   For example, a woman came into the New Direction office wanting to change but expressing frustration that nothing was happening. As she told her story, she mentioned that she hated her father and wished he was dead. She also said that there was no way she was going to change the way she felt about him. In light of this, it was no surprise to the counsellor that she had not made any progress. From a developmental perspective, she had to be open to work through unresolved issues with her father before further progress could be made.

By all means pray and ask God to help you with come out of homosexuality. You'll need His love and strength to help you through. But you also need to put yourself in the best environment for change and to start taking steps in the direction you wish to go. God can use others to help you. You don't have to go it alone.

More is said about this topic in: Getting Out: some things you should know about the journey out of homosexuality

OUR RESPONSE

So a lesbian doesn't like her father...so what?

Parents may be interested to know, and perhaps act accordingly, that it is a fact that the great majority of estrangements between gay children and their parents are caused by the parents rejecting the child and not because the child is rebelling against the parent. In the majority of cases the blame lies squarely with a homophobic and unaccepting parent.

These parents need a "cure" - not the gay child.

See http://www.apa.org/monitor/sep96/converta.html to read Nicolosi's comments here that were included in an APA article.

A mental disorder is actually defined as 'a clinically significant behavioral or psychological syndrome or pattern that occurs in an individual and that is associated with present distress (e.g., a painful symptom) or disability (i.e., impairment in one or more important areas of functioning) or with a significantly increased risk of suffering death, pain, disability, or an important loss of freedom.' [American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) at xxi (1st prtg. 1994).] From this definition is can be seen why homophobia (especially when manifested as abusive or violent behaviour) is now regarded as pathological. An interesting turn-around for the bigots!