Diary Entry for March 10, 1997



Dear Diary,

Well, a few things have changed since the last writing. I have finally had the much needed talk with my wife, and told her exactly how I feel. She was very emotionally upset, afraid, like one other time in our marriage, that she was about to lose me. We have a very strange relationship in that we have been married twice to each other. The first time broke up because of myself. I was young, and very inmature with what I knew, and what I thought I wanted. We were married for approximately 4 years the first time. This time we have been married for over 17 years, and I know that I truly love her. Her fear was that it would turn out like the first time. But, thru reassurances, and much talking, I have (at least I really hope so) convinced her that, what happened before, will not happen again. One thing that she does not understand yet, is that I really want to explore the feelings that I have. I think she believes in the back of her mind, that I will let it completly rule my life, and ruin ours. That is not so. I truly love what she and I share together, and I wish that she could share with me the feelings that I have. I would really like for her to be an active participant with me. I would love to hear her advice on different clothes, shoes, makeup, and all the other things that make up being a female. We have been shopping together, but more for buying her clothes than for me. Even though we did buy a thing or two for me during the trip, the trip was more for her, and also the way I wanted it. I don't want her to feel that I am leaving her out of anything. Even though there are times that we can't be together, I want her to actively paticipate in all that I do, and all that I am. I have also asked her to accompany me to the meetings of the Tennessee Vals. She knows about them, and has agreed to my going to the meetings. I hope she will accompany me to a few, because there will be others there like herself (signifigant others) that could explain to her thier feelings and give her a vent to emotions that maybe she isn't letting me see.

I have made a few shopping trips of my own for certain things I needed, Like a pair of shoes that fit, Makeup that would hide the always present 5-oclock shadow, and a few other small neccesities to make the total make over of Susie. Before now, I had only one Skirt, and One Blouse, and a few pair of panties, and a night gown. But, I have picked up a few items here and there lately. I don't want to go out and spend a fortune, (at least at the present), but I do like having a few of the main neccesities.

If I do go to the next Vals meeting, (and I fully intend to), then I want to go looking the part correctly, with the items I need to do so. Another Reason I wish that she would get a little more involved with it, because I really do need the advice, and assistance, with making sure I have the right look. At times when I have been dressed when she has come home from work, not a word has been said about how I have been dressed, or how I look. Sometimes, A small word of encouragement could be very helpful. Like, Let me show you how to correctly put on the eye shadow, or let me show you how to walk properly, or any other point that is noticed. I can use, and will need all the help I can get.

I guess right at the moment I am trying to catch up with my feelings, because I dress every single day that I am home, (changing just before my son gets home from school), and weekends when my son is away. At some point things will even out and I will have planned times, and times when I don't or can't. It had just been so long since I was able to express myself in this manner fully that I think that I am just trying to catch up.


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