Diary Entry for March 01, 1997



Dear Diary,

Mixed feelings of love for my wife and love for my desire to be feminine, has left a very emotional upheaval in my being.

I love my wife very much, and would never intentionally do anything that would upset or hurt her. But, after many conversations, or should say attempted conversations, nothing has ever come of being able to tell her how I really feel. Those feelings and emotions come out only when the ability to talk to somebody without reservation is there (or at least with me). In almost all things with my wife this is true, no reservations, but on this one issue, it is very hard to talk with her.

Describing the desire to have or be something to someone who already possesses and has possessed that item all their life, is not easy. Since they have had that all their known existance, they take it for granted.

Just because I wish to be a woman now and again, and enjoy the feelings that it produces, doesn't mean that I can't be what she wants also.

I have always been a very closed person in all my emotions, and feelings. At the point and time I told my wife of my desires, and needs, it was a very, very difficult time for me. And, it still is a very difficult item to bring up in a conversation with her. Something always happens and words of mistrust, or misunderstanding occurs, and that just closes me back up tight as a clam, and leaves us in a very emotinal silence between us.

There have been once or twice that I have felt like really opening up and trying to describe and explain myself, but as soon as I do start, something happens in conversation, that trips the close switch again.

I do not have (at this point) anybody that I can or could talk to that would have an understanding ear about my desires.

I guess like any other TV/CD, I started at the early ages, at least as far back as I can really recall. Always borrowing clothes from my sister ( 1 year younger than me) and putting them back before they were noticed. At one point or time I had several of her outfits hid and stored away for me to use when the time was right. Always careful to put them back, hidden like before, or putting them back in the closet or dresser before they were missed.

I have always wore panties, and pantyhose when I could get by with it, and sometimes the occasional bra, when clothes could be arranged so that they could not be detected. I felt special when I could go in public wearing these items, and no one else would know. I have had my ears pierced for many years and enjoy the freedom of wearing earrings.

Now the need to do more is starting to manifest itself. Staying in the closet for the rest of my life is not what I want. I would like to go out as Susie, and talk with others like myself, and be able to mingle with them as Susie.

I have found a local group that I believe that I can do that with. As of this writing, I have yet to attend one of thier meetings, but am planning to do so in the very near future.


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