Last Updated May 2001

New: The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynne Lavner http://members.aol.com/gaynation1/gaynation.html 1. What is the difference between an Ups and an Aaaaaahhh ?    8 centimeters.   2. Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank ?     He was caught drinking on the job. 3. What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in     common ?     If the rubber breaks, they are both in shit. 4. How can you make a gay man scream twice ?     Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains. 5. What do two fags do in bed together ?     Each other's makeup. 6. A young guy meets another one on the toilet. He looks at the cock of the other and marvels, that it is that huge. So he asks the bear: "Why is your cock so extremely huge?" "I caught a Lapricorn once and got fulfilled two wishes, that I may have a huge cock and the power to give it to anybody else, too. The only problem was that he had to fuck me from behind in order to fulfill my wishes." "Oh, so you could enlarge my cock to the same     size ?" "Sure, but you know, I would have to do     the same to you than the Lapricorn did to me."     "Well go along, if my dick is gonna be that big, any price is worth that." So the bear fucks the young one up the ass and the young is looking down and wondering, why his cock isn't growing. The bear has a great orgasm and the young one asks: "Why did my cock didn't grow at all ?" "Well darling how old are you now ?"  "27"  "And you still believe in     Lapricorns ?" 7. What's the difference between a gay and a     refrigerator ?     A refrigerator dosen't fart when you pull your meat out. 8. Two gay men are walking along, and are checking     out this guy across the street.     "Hey, I know that guy !. HE'S HOT ! "     "No shit...."  "Well hardly any." 9. If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to work "Hello. Can't work today, still queer". Robin Tyler 10. An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" ) The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- "I'm Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!" 11. A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days." 12. Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of conversation on the bar for measurement. Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the man, "What'll ya have?" The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the buffet instead." 13. A guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the bartender has. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay." The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots. Again, the bartender asks what's wrong. The guy says that he found out that his son is gay. Yet the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender again and asks for 15 shots. "Damn," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?" "Yeah," says the man, "my wife!" 14. A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in." 15. A son was home from college and tells his dad, "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!" "What makes you think so?" asked the dad. "Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him!" 16. A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes." Still without looking up, she asks, "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!" 17. Three gay guys meet on the toilet of the historical seminar of a university. Says the first: My God this looks like ... Says the second: bah, sperm. The third is taking a nip of it and states: But not from someone out of this seminar. 18. Two guys were talking. One described his recent, first-ever prostate exam, "The doctor bends you over his examination table and then he puts his left hand on your shoulder...no wait, it was his right hand...[thinks for a minute]... Damn! He had *both* hands on my shoulders." 19. We are taking our new baby to San Francisco to be christened so he can have a fairy godmother. Do you have a fairy godmother? No, but I have an uncle I'm not too sure about. 20. Top 5 Signs You're Son May Be Gay 5. Constantly talks about how he was reared. 4. Grows a mustache (to hide the stretch marks?) 3. Is a sucker for anything his dad tells him. 2. Wants to go to West Point to persue a major. 1. Will only play two positions on the football team, tightened or wide receiver (Might consider kicker). 21. Christmas may be a little late this year if Santa can't find a replacement reindeer soon. It seems Prancer disappeared. Rumor has it he ran off to San Francisco and moved in with a hairdresser. 22. Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, the gay man went to his doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me". 23. A gay man goes to a Baptist church for the 1st time- Towards the end of the service, the minister says: "Since we have a newcomer in our congregation, he will be allowed to pick the first hymn." The gay stands, points and says "Thanks, Reverend-I'll take him, him, and him." 24. A homosexual, a real fat man, and a smoker all die and go to Heaven. They meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and complain that they aren't ready to die, they all still have some unfinished business left on earth. So St. Peter agrees to let them live, as long as they give up their evil ways.... So the fat guy is walking down the street and sees a 7-11. He knows he shouldn't go in, but he does anyway, chows down a Twinkie and **POOF** he disappears. The smoker and the gay are walking together and the smoker sees a lit cigarette butt on the ground. He thinks to himself, "Oh, if I had only one drag, nothing will happen to me." So he bends over to pick up the cigarette, and **POOF** the homosexual disappears. 25. A man died and went to hell. When he got there Satan said hey do you drink? And the man said yes I do. AH well you will have a good time on Monday because that is what we do. Satan then said do you do drugs? Yes I do said the man. Well that is what we do on Tuesday. Satan then told the man what they do on everyday until he came to Sunday. Satan then asks ,are you gay? And the man said , most certainly not. Satan then says well, THAT is when you will find out why this is hell. 26.The young doctor had just about decided he wanted to do his residency in the Sexual Disorders Clinic at the teaching hospital. The senior doctor was giving him a tour of the facility. As they entered the men's section, the young resident noticed a male nurse passing by with a baseball bat wrapped in a towel. "What's the baseball bat for?" inquired the resident. "That's for the guy in 402," replied the nurse. "The chart says he's into S&M. He's terribly constipated and his doctor ordered an enema for him. But his health insurance plan doesn't cover enemas, so I'm just going to beat the shit out of him." "Mmmm," replied the young resident, beginning to think this wasn't the ordinary kind of clinic. Presently they passed a young man in the hallway, his pants around his ankles, masturbating furiously. "What's his problem?" asked the young resident. "Oh, that's a very sad case," the senior doctor replied. He has a condition called seminal hypertension. If he doesn't have ten or twelve orgasms a day he suffers excruciating pain, becomes very wild, and ultimately falls into a coma!" The young doctor contemplated the many kinds of sexual disorders he had never heard of before. Ultimately they came upon another guy whose pants were around his ankles, but he was being sucked off by a handsome, bearded young male nurse in the hallway. There was much slurping, and it was obvious that the furry young nurse could have suck-started a Harley from the tailpipe. "What's this guy's problem? How come he's getting sucked off by a nurse?" asked the young resident. "Same problem as the other guy," replied the senior doctor. "Seminal Hypertension. He needs ten or fifteen orgasms a day." "How come this guy's treatment is getting sucked off by a handsome stud and the other guy has to make do with jerking off in the corner?" asked the resident. "This guy's got a better health insurance plan," replied the senior doctor with a smile. 27. This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink." The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink." The women both reply, "It won't do you any good." The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians." The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?" The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies." The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians." 28. The Top Ten things that would be different if the Disciples were Gay: 10) Priests would not get married.....wait a minute.... 9) Jesus wouldn't wear a white robe after Labor Day. 8) Fewer "Sermons on the Mount", more "Musicals". 7) Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce. 6) Virgin Mary's hair would be flawless. 5) Would not have chased money changers out of the temple - they would have redecorated. 4) Turn water into dry martinis with just a splash of curacao for color. 3) Instead of the Last Supper, it would have been the Last Brunch with cabaret. 2) Replace the Beatitudes with "Fabulous are they. . ." 1) Triumphant Entry just screams for a Drag number. 29. What do lesbians on the second date ? A U-Haul What do gay men bring on the second date ? What second date ! 30. What's the difference between a slut and a bowling ball ? You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball. 31. What do you call two lesbians in a closet ? A lick'er cabinet. 32. What do you call a person, who can suck an orange through a garden hose ? DARLING ! AND THE BEST FOR LAST: HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality? 2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual? 3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of? 4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex? 5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover? 6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommates know? 7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet? 8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? 9. Why do heterosexuals fell so compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle? 10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers? 11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different? 12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals? 13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest of sexually transmitted disease. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy? 14. How can you expect to become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality? 15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual? 16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own orientation? 17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you change if you really want to. Have you ever considered aversion therapy? 18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems (s)he would face?   If you have more gay jokes, write to: