New on 30st May
1998 |
1. Two homosexuals met in a gay bar, fell in love, and decided to move in together. After a weekend of bliss, one got up on Monday morning and went into the bathroom to shower and shave to go to work. When he emerged, he found his lover in the kitchen masturbating into a ziploc bag. "What are you doing, honey?" he asked. "I'm packing your lunch."
2. The police department received a call at 1A.M. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in. "The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis." "That sounds awful," The sympathetic police clerk responded. "That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two. Then he pissed all over me." "We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the clerk said. "Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said. He's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."
3. The flaming fag was walking by the construction site when he saw a gorgeous He-man. He stopped, gawked, then began flirting outrageously. Finally, the construction worker shouted, "Get out of here, you queer, or I'll ram this jackhammer up your ass." "Oooooo," twitted the fag as he bent over, "I thought you'd never ask."
4. What's the difference between a submissive and a mosquito?
When you swat a mosquito it stops sucking.
5. What kind of vibrator do really macho butch lesbians use?
Ones with a kick starter.
6. What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man?
The number of beers you have to buy each before you take him home.
7. What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night long.
8. A wild weekend in the back rooms of gay bars left Jimmy with an incredibly swollen, sore rectum. Unable to sleep, he called a friend who told him to shove a couple of handfuls of herbal tea up his ass. This advice seemed to help a bit. The next morning, though, Jimmy hurried to the gay proctologist's office. The doctor had him spread his cheeks and started exploring. "What's wrong with me?" Jimmy asked after a couple of minutes. "I don't know exactly, darling," the fag doctor replied, "but the tea leaves say you and I should take a long sea cruise together."
9. Two women were walking down the street when they saw two homosexuals kissing passionately. "Ugh," one woman said to the other, "That's disgusting. They ought to ship every one of those queers to some island, so we wouldn't have to look at them." "They can't do that," the other woman said, "Then we'd all have to cut our own hair and decorate our own apartments."
10. Why is masturbation better than intercourse?
1. Because you know who you're dealing with.
2. Because you know when you've had enough.
3. Because you don't have to be polite afterward.
4. Because you don't have to look your best.
5. Because you meet the nicest people.
11. What's the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
The way they pronounce A-men.
12. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
13. What's the difference between a sin and a shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to pull it out.
14. Why do cows have such long faces?
If you had your tits pulled twice daily but were fucked only once a year, you'd have a long face too.
15. On the first day out to sea, the new crew member noticed his shipmates were a rough lot. After every meal, the men would belch and fart incredibly noisily, like cannons firing. The second day he decided to join his mates and ventured a gentle "Phtt." Suddenly, the second mate, a towering giant, rose up, slammed his fist on the table and announced, "All right, men...The virgin is Mine!"
16. Two homosexuals passed on the street. One stopped the other and exclaimed, "Darling, I thought they'd sent you to jail on that sodomy charge?" "Oh, no," the other exclaimed. "I found this wonderful lawyer who got the charge reduced to 'following too closely.'"
17. The dentist was surprised to see three broken teeth in the mouth of the handsome male model. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked. "I don't know," he said. "I was giving head to this reporter named Clark Kent, and BAMM!, his prick turned to steel."
18. What's the difference between a lover and a job?
After 5 years, the job still sucks!
19. A gay man goes to his doctor complaining of sharp pains in his rectum. The doctor puts on his gloves and takes a look up the guy's ass. "OH, my goodness", exclaims the doctor, "you have a dozen roses shoved up your ass!" "Is there a card?" asks the gay man.
20. Three men armed with shotguns stormed into a late-night diner. "Everybody down on the floor!" one shouted. "We're going to rape all the men and rob all the women." "No" another said. "That's wrong. We're going to rob all the men and rape all the women." At that a gay cowering in the corner piped up and said, "I think you should listen to that first darling."
21. A compulsive gambler walked into a gay bar. He sat down between a couple of fags, ordered a drink, and struck up a conversation with one. When that guy went to the bathroom, the gambler turned to the fag on his left and bet him $50 he had hemorrhoids. The fag had just been to the doctor for a rectal examination and knew he didn't have hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. He got up and dropped his drawers. When he bent over, the gambler shoved a broomstick up his ass and sure enough, found no hemorrhoids. He paid the fag $50 and headed for the restroom. The delighted winner sat back down on his stool. When the other fag came back to the bar, the guy told him he'd won $50. "How?" "That guy bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I dropped my drawers. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass." A look of shock came across the other fag's face. "That Son-of-a-Bitch! A few minutes ago he bet me $100 he'd have a broomstick shoved up your ass in 15 minutes!"
22. I'm so Gay I can't even think Straight.
23. I'd like you to meet my future Ex-Husband.
24. I'm not Gay, but my boyfriend is.
25. Old drag queens never dye, they just buy more wigs.