Coming Out

I was aware that I was attracted to men in college, and during the years that I was in school I had several experiences with other men, including one guy that became a fairly regular partner. I didn't view those as romances though. Like many guys at that time, I regarded it all as just a little bit of bisexual experimentation. When I got married, that period of my life would be over and I'd move on. To some extent that's the way it happened

I married Becky, a girl that I'd known almost all my life, in August of 1982. For the first 10 years of our marriage there's really not much to tell. I put my desire for men out of my mind and settled down to married life. In 1984 Becky was offered an opportunity to transfer to Charlotte. I quickly got a job with a manufacturing company in the area. We bought a home, had a child, and went about the business of putting down roots. We were very happy.

I really can't put my finger on when things began to change, or why. Around Christmas one year I received news that two of my best friends from the past had died of AIDS. One of them, a guy named Jeff, and I had been my inseparable all through high school. After learning of his death I was forced to admit that he was probably more than my first good friend. He was probably also the first man that I ever fell in love with, but I was afraid to admit it. The more that I thought of that, the harder it got to hide.

One day, I was checking out several local computer bulletin boards when I came across one called The Exchange. The first time that I logged on I was asked if I wanted access to the gay or the straight side of the board. I stared at the prompt forever, then selected "gay".

The board opened up a whole new world for me. Suddenly I'd found a place where I could talk openly about feelings that I'd been hiding for years. Gradually I came out of my shell and began to talk to more and more people. It was my first view of a world that went way beyond the sterotypes that I'd come to believe were what gays were all about. Eventually, I got the courage to meet some of the guys at a Christmas party the board's sysop was having. I went, and for the first time in years I really felt like I really belonged.

While I was feeling almost giddy at the freedom I was feeling, I was also feeling more and more that this was something that I couldn't be hidden from Becky any longer. I knew that she'd noticed a difference in me and it concerned her. I knew that it was going to be harder and harder to hide things from her, and I knew that I HAD to tell her. I started to broach the subject several times, but each time she seemed to resist whenever the subject of homosexuality came up and the subject started going from the general to the specific. I suppose I didn't push as hard as I could have though, because I was sure that coming out would mean the end of my marriage.

About eight years ago I ended up leaving something I'd written out where Becky could find it. (Whether or not I'd actually planted it where I was sure she'd find it is still a question in my mind). It was a fragment of an as of yet unfinished story about a married man questioning his sexual orientation. She brought it to my attention and asked if it was truth or fiction. I told her that while the actual scene was fiction, the idea behind the story was very real indeed.

I immediatly offered to leave, either temporarily or permanently. She replied that she didn't want that. She wanted to try to work at staying together. The next two weeks were a test of both of our sanity. On one hand I was overjoyed that the big secret was out. On the other, I still wasn't convinced that Becky wouldn't wake up one morning and wonder what the hell she was thinking of when she agreed to stay married to me. Little by little we started to deal with it though. We started to talk about what all this meant. The big question was whether the future included the possibility of a man in my life.

The question was answered about a month later when I met a man online and began corresponding with him daily. Within a couple of weeks we arranged to meet, and we began seeing each other regularly. The realization that I had a man in my life was difficult for Becky at first. We were honest with each other though and she came to accept the situation. The relationship, even though it only lasted for about 4 months, turned out to be very important for me. It proved to me that my attraction to men was something more than sexual, and that being gay was something far beyond being attracted to men. I think it was also important for Becky, because she saw that I intended to make our marriage work even with a man in my life.

Soon after the relationship ended, I joined a support group for gay married men. It was the first time that I'd ever been able to meet and talk with other men who were in my situation. It was also my introduction to other aspects of gay life. Through the friends that I made in the group I began to get out and visit the bars, attend things like OutCharlotte and the Gay/Lebian Film series. Every time I did something new or went somewhere where I hadn't been before it made me all the more eager to push on to a new level. Along the way I discovered that there was a big ol' world out there full of men.

For several years I did the party scene, and it did have it's fun times. I thought that I wanted something else though, even though I don't think I was really sure what that was. As I got further into the gay community I began to know more and more committed gay couples, but I didn't think that was in my future. I didn't think that what I had to offer was enough for a man. Fortunately, I was wrong.

I ended up meeting a man and began a 6 year relationship with him. The relationship has since ended, but I will always think of it as what led me the final few steps towards accepting who I am. And it's taught me that having good friends and a special man in your life are what I want

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ncniceguy@bellsouth.net