1/12/2004 This page was created on March 26, 1997 and so much has changed. I can't wait to share what it has been like to ride this roller coaster of grief, healing, and learning. Maybe I can help someone else going through this pain to be more gentle with their healing process, more patient with the the journey. I don't know where to begin. For now, check out the existing pages and if you have anything to share, any suggestions, email me and I will be glad to incorporate your comments. For now, I will leave you with my favorite Robert Frost quote, "I know this much about life after losing a child, it goes on."

Wow, a lot has happened since I last updated Joey's page. You would think I had forgotten or been disinterested. But the truth is, my life has changed in ways I never dreamed possible. After Chris died, I did a lot of erratic things, we moved to Florida, we moved back, we moved to Annapolis and now in July of 2002, we moved back to Southern Maryland. I got a new job (who would have thought I'd ever be the boss? YIKES!)

I am going to school, only 5 classes left till I get my BS. JOEY, Do you believe it? Ok, so I'll be 51 1/2 by the time I graduate...who cares, I never thought it would happen, ever.

So, once school is out, I will devote a lot more time to this page, I want to make it more about healing and growing. Never for one minute think it's about FORGETTING or that damn phrase MOVING ON. It's about putting one foot in front of the other, and celebrating life. Choosing to celebrate that they lived, not that they died. I want to be able to help other moms (and dads and siblings) who have lost someone, to know how to talk to them, be with them and just as importantly, what NOT to do. (Like telling them to move on...arghhhh.). So for now, this will be my 7th Christmas without the boys. It doesn't have the passion it had, but it's good. It's about counting blessings. So, if you happened on to this page because you're new to the pain, hang in there, put one foot in front of the other, and don't expect much more than that. Blessings.deb 11/23/02

Today, 3/27/97, Joey has been gone for 2 whole years. I am nowhere near ‘healed’, ‘ready to move on’, ‘adjusting, accepting’, or whatever the cliche books talk about. My physical pain is raw and aching.

Still.

This is where the muck starts again.

6/11/97, Christopher was killed, truck accident, just a couple miles from where we had Joey's memorial service. Same day. It's been a road, let me tell you. I just deleted all the mucky stuff, the raw pain that still takes my breath away to read. Don't know where this page is going. Bear with me.

7/19/98

I've taken out a lot of the extraneous stuff. There is so much going on, so many changes. I have to wonder how things would have turned out if the boys were still here. Would choices be different, less mistakes made? Who knows.

Bear with me, still...

12/17/99

And so this is Christmas. Josh is 5 1/2, Micheal is in Florida, we have moved to a new town. It's better...

I think I am 'detached'...I think that's why I go on. Life is surreal, who IS this happening to? Can't hang their stockings this year, but didn't keep them in the box either. They are draped over a chair. Is that healing? Is that forgeting? Is that putting this 'tragedy' behind me? I think it's protecting myself. I go along thinking I'm doing ok..doing ok. And I hear "I'll be home for christmas" and it rips my heart out. That's ok. It's Christmas, and that was MY time with them. They were MY boys and I miss them. Time makes our memories goofy but as I recall, all of our Christmas's together were spectacular. Lucky me. yep. Lucky - lucky me.

Micheal, Chris, Me, Steve, and Joey, September 5. 1992. Ever try to get 3 boys to behave for pictures?!

The real me!

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