ANOTHER wake up call. Micheal moved to New York, left Maryland on the 3rd of September. Genius that he is, he found a job right away. And so,he was just two blocks from the WTC's on September 11, 2001. He won't hardly talk about what it was like, he was frightened a lot, especially with his partner out of town so much. The short story is he has moved back to Florida. He is safe, yes?

Wake up call. Micheal was caught in Hurricane Floyd (Pink Floyd?). I have never been so scared...thinking he was in danger, thinking I would lose him too. This is so hard...afraid to love him so much, afraid to not love him so much. You know? What if I love him so much and lose him, what if I don't love him so much and lose him?

post script. Mikey is doing WONDERFULLY in Florida, he has absolutely blossomed, great job, good friends, dancing...YOU GO GIRL!!!

Micheal was the baby for 20 years. wonder how he feels being the oldest? I cannot deal with this...Micheal is the third of my 4 boys. He's the blue eyed baby of the family. Micheal is the reason I got involved with PFLAG and Micheal is the reason I want to make a difference in our community. His school years were mostly sheer hell for him. Tall and slender, he was harassed beyond reason. He is the reason I want to infiltrate the schools and change the way gay people are treated.

Micheal is the brains of the family. He has his stuff together so much, sometimes, I think he's the grown up and I am the child. He has done so much with his life, already. I am so proud of him! I always said Joey was my heart, Chris was my soul, Micheal is my mind and Josh of course, is my salvation.

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR MICHEAL'S JOURNEY!

Micheal's eulogy for his big brother,Chris. Micheal was the baby of 3 boys. Now he is the oldest. I do not know what this must be like for him. All I know is how proud I was of him when he read these words, standing tall and proud. What a tribute:

I am standing here with broken heart and shattered dreams. I am witnessing the slow death of a dismembered family and what little bit of remains that have been left behind. In two years I have survived the death of two brothers. Selfishly enough I am still living, trying to keep my dreams in tact. I am currently living in fear of the future. Curious to see if I should live past 23, 24, or 25. I only pray that I should not die on the inside before it is too late.

I am the lucky one. I was fortunate enough to have gained distance from both of my brothers before they moved on to their eternity. I experience a loss that is so much different than that of all of you. I am instilled with different fears and a much different pain. It has taken me 21 years to start living, to find love and since that time I have lost the two people that I spent the majority of that time with. Since God has graced me with a life filled with blessings I have had to suffer tremendous loss for my gain. And these are the words I am pondering.

Why? Chris protected me from high school and all of the bullies that thought I should be maimed. He put an end to all the rejection and helped people see me as a person. He always looked out for me, striving to make sure that I was happy and it seemed to be his only goal. I felt like number one, as if I was the most important person in his life. And even in the miles that had separated us from each other he would still make sure that I was doing well and offer assistance to beat up any bad people that may have entered in to my life. He tried to protect me but not even he could protect me from life, as this was his true goal. He told me endlessly that he was proud of me. That he was glad that at least one of the three sons was making something out of his life. And now, all I feel is angered. Who is going to punch the lights out of all the gay bashers that may pass my way. How can I be butch and strong like he was and not be afraid? Who is going to be the red neck brother that helps the homophobic people learn to accept that I may be gay, but I am his brother and they should just get over it? Who will be the example of unconditional love that is so needed in this world ?

To you he was straight, to me he was just my brother. This is what Chris was to me. He was my hero, my ambition. He pushed me to follow my dreams and begged me to move forward in my personal growth. He was proud of me and admired me for my strength, he was my strength. It is for this that I ask who of you can tell me how, how to grieve the way I am supposed to, how not to stand up for what I believe in because it is due to Chris that I believe in me. It is because of Chris that I will find the strength to move on and live again. So when you remember Chris, I ask of you to remember how he really was. I ask you to look inside the tough shell of Chris and see that golden heart. See the unbiased, the love, the selflessness, the care free spirit, the humor, the forgiveness and open heart. Learn from his joy in giving. When you look back on his life and remember the difficult times that he wiggled his way through, it is there that you will see the Legacy of Chris, the Legacy of True Success.

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