This is a little about me and what I've learned about being a Transvestite. I hope you at least find it interesting and maybe even of some help, particularly if you're struggling , as we all do at some stage, to come to terms with your own identity. I've based the questions on things I've thought relevant and on some questions I've been asked by others. If you've any questions you'd like me to add feel free to mail me.
I'd also appreciate your comments in my guest book if you can take a minute.
Do I want to be cured?
How long have I known?
Who else knows?
How does being a TV work with a family?
How often do I dress
Do I want to dress all the time?
Do I like admirers?
Where will this all end?
I'm a heterosexual male transvestite, late 30's and married with a young family. I'm just over six feet tall and weigh in around 185 lbs. Back to Top
I tend to go for active interests, maybe because my job isn't too challenging although Freudian types out there will point at my 'macho' activities and say "aha, yoo zubconciously are zuprezzing ze feminine side" My interests include flying, diving, football, sailing and motor-sport all of which I admit does occasionally leave me too tired to get dressed. Sometimes I unintentionally succeed in combining two or three of these activities, eg sailing with diving after a mistake or football with flying and diving when the opposition is bigger! I intentionally never combine any of them with cross-dressing as a motorcycle accident some years ago brought home the risk of wearing anything lacy under boy-clothes when I watched a nurse cut my jeans off. I don't consciously try to assert myself in a particularly male way, these just happen to be sports I like. Back to Top
Most people surfing this part of the Web know what a transvestite is but not everyone does and it probably means something a little different in some way for all of us. I know that what it means for me has changed over the many years I've been cross-dressing. So here's my attempt to explain: a transvestite/TV/ (Trannie in the UK), Cross-Dresser/CD is a male who occasionally needs to dress wholly or partially in women's clothes. The urge is insistent and will not be ignored. Some TVs need to dress almost daily, others are content with a session every few months. Similarly, the level of dressing and what a TV does while dressed will vary enormously. There are more rarely female TVs too but with 20th century dress sense they're probably in a better position to indulge their desires than us males and good luck to them! Back to Top
For myself I can only say that when I first submitted to "The Urge", wearing almost any item of feminine outer clothing was enough. As I got older I needed to go further and to-day I need to dress fully from the inside out, with make-up and wig, so that when I look in the mirror, I see the most passable image I can manage. These days, I find I need a body-shaper rather than just a bra! Of course the problem with this sort of total transformation session is that I need about 4 hours of privacy to indulge myself fully! I do feel very different when dressed but I don't feel I switch to my 'other' feminine self or anything as dramatic. For me it's more like feeling I'm in a really good mood and the better I look the better I feel. It's probably impossible to explain to someone who is not a TV what it feels like to be dressed but it ranges from a warm feeling of peace and contentment through to really erotic. It's a combination of sensory loading from the visual perception in the mirror or just looking down, the feeling of the fabrics, the sensation of the straps on my shoulders, the sheerness of my legs and the tug of a skirt as I move around. If you're a TV you know what I mean by now! Back to Top
I've often tried to stop dressing in the past and in fact I once went three years without dressing. But then a fancy dress party started me all over again and, to be honest, I wasn't sorry. At that time, I was heavily career oriented, very active with sports and really was in full suppression mode. Since then I've managed to go maybe two to three months without dressing but usually because of lack of opportunity rather than desire. If I suppress the need to dress, I quickly become a very unlikeable and intolerable individual, both at home with my unfortunate family and also at work. When family, work, etc limits the opportunity to dress for long periods of time it'll have the same effect on me as when I try to deny the need to dress. Dressing doesn't make me a pleasure to live with, just the difference between tolerable and intolerable! So bottom line is I can't control the need to dress, I have to accept it and manage it. Sometimes I even actually enjoy it!
Then there are times too when I've just been overwhelmed by feelings of self-disgust and revulsion. There should be a word like AutoTVphobic to describe this phenomenon. As I've got better at self acceptance and being more comfortable and less frustrated about being a TV I suffered this feeling a lot less. When I was younger and especially when I thought I was the only cross dresser in the world this could be so strong that nothing less than disposing of every thread of female clothing could be expected to provide relief. Of purging clothes never did make me feel any better and even symbolic burning of clothes didn't help. Make no mistake though, at least in my case when this feeling hit it could be frighteningly powerful and destructive and not always relieved enough by simply purging. I can vividly recall times when it seemed that stopping dressing was more important than anything else.
I'm sorry this is heavy and depressing and I really like to concentrate on the fun side of dressing but I have to be honest and say that being a TV and unable to control it has in the past dropped me into frighteningly deep pools of despair and depression. If you ever feel like this you're not alone and you'll get through it but it really helps to have some support. I'm not a psychologist but I am an experienced TV and I believe that being more comfortable and accepting of being a TV helps avoid phases like this. I still get down about it occasionally but loads of other things like insurance etc get me down at times as well. If you're a TV I cannot recommend strongly enough that you share it with someone you can trust. Of course I appreciate just how difficult that is to do. But if you have a friend, partner or family you can trust, or access to professional help, a support phone-line or even the Internet, try to talk to someone about being a TV and it will greatly ease the stress of keeping it to yourself. Back to Top.
I've also figured out that when times are good and there may be a lot of opportunities to dress, like once every 10 years in my case :-(, it's easy to become selfish. For example, the house could be falling down for want of a little work because I'm dressing every chance I get or worse still family outings are avoided as they represent a chance to have the house alone. It's important to keep a sense of balance here. I think by and large us TVs are a pretty selfish lot and I think a lot of us who are blessed with understanding wives/GFs/SOs often take them too much for granted after the initial major hurdle of coming out is negotiated. It's all too easy to start absorbing too much time and indeed money without realizing that the time and money has to come from fixed and shared resources.
Not many people dwell on the cost of being a TV but it can be a seriously expensive indulgence, hobby, whatever. It's neither accurate or fair to classify it as a hobby or an indulgence, I know I'm biased here but it's like sleep -sooner or later I have to dress. I can quit hobbies just as I decided to take them up. I carefully limit what I spend on dressing but I have to be honest and admit that while it's mainly because I wouldn't have a lot to spare it's also in no small way because I feel guilty at taking it from my family and also because I don't want to admit to myself that dressing is important enough for me to spend a lot on make-up, forms, wigs, etc.
Cross Dressing can I think be compared to a hobby or sport when assessing how much time and money is reasonably justified, that way I find I can keep it in some sort of perspective. Of course don't take this comparison too far, talking about motor-cycle/sailing/football gear over a beer with my friends is not interchangeable with discussing make-up techniques and that new body-shaper I want to buy. Back to Top
What I wear is decided by a number of things, access, availability in my size, price, ease of storage,etc. What I like to wear is any or all of the following: Short, Tight, Black or Shiny! Yes, I admit it, I tend toward the classic trashy TV appearance but I do like to try for a more toned down passable appearance too, just in case I get the opportunity to mix it in a safe environment. On a more specific note, I really like body-shapers on the inside and lycra body-suits and denim skirts on the outside. To get a figure I'm happy with I use either foam breast forms or water-filled balloons. Both look OK but the balloons while harder to get looking right, feel and move better especially if filled with warm water. I don't use padding anywhere else. I don't shave my body so long sleeves and opaque stockings/tights/pantyhose are the norm. For footwear, despite already being tall I like high heels and especially lace-up ankle boots. There's something really nice about being laced into women's clothing, be it footwear or otherwise ;-) Actually I'd really like a pair of those knee-high lace up Docs even if they are a bit military in style, they'd certainly tame my fat calves. Back to Top
I've gotten clothes or at least access to them from all kinds of places. I started by borrowing my mother's and sisters' clothes, then I clued in to raiding the box of clothes for charity, other times I used excuses like Halloween, Fancy Dress parties, etc to get clothes. Of course back then, in the finest TV tradition, I'd purge once in a while as I quit for good. -Again!
Sometimes, moving house for example, I'd have to get rid of my meagre collection anyway. Now I pretty much buy all my own clothes although usually when I'm away from home. Of course when the opportunity to borrow something presents itself I'll avail of it. I think there's an extra buzz in wearing something borrowed - maybe it's the added risk of a bust zip or a tear? Shopping is something I hate. I've never seen a male at ease in women's departments and when I'm there I'm convinced that the assistants, in fact everyone, just knows from the sizes and the way I look at clothes I might as well have a flashing pink neon on my head saying "cross-dressing pervert ". The merest glance in my direction can be enough to send me squirming red-faced toward the exit. I know this irrational fear is shared by some of my TV friends too. Still, it has to be got through or there'll be no-thing to wear. I'm not good at this but I do have a reasonable collection of clothes at this point so I get by. Back to Top
First of all, I stay out of small shops and stick with large department stores, that way it's easy to float in and out of the Ladies Section as well as view from a distance when it's quiet or busy enough to move in. It's also comforting to think I may be taken as the poor husband waiting/looking for his wife after he's come from the tool section. Secondly I'll time my foray around Mother's Day or Christmas and third I'll try to be as casual as possible but look a little embarrassed when appropriate, what male wouldn't when being stared at while checking the sizes on some lacy lingerie? If there's one hovering I'll make a point of asking an assistant for a particular size or colour which kind of puts everyone at ease that I'm just shopping for my wife or GF. A wedding band doesn't hurt this impression. Another refinement that works for me, especially if it's not Christmas or Mother's Day, is to enquire whether gift-wrapping is an option. I never state this is for my wife because I think that's so obvious it begs the unspoken question, "Well who else would he be buying this stuff for?"
It's easier to say than to do but the more I do it the less I get all awkward and embarrassed about it. There are still times when I just have to bale out and come back another day, it's frustrating in the extreme but then maybe dressing would lose it's appeal if it was real easy to get clothes and a bit of humiliation and embarrassment just makes it all the more worthwhile in the end. Another one for the Freudian types to chew over.
Come to think of it, I hate shopping for male-clothes anyway!
One of the big problems with shopping that only those passable and brave enough to shop dressed can avoid, is getting the size right. It is so frustrating to go through all the hassle of buying something and then getting it home, waiting for the chance to try it and then finding it won't go near my wide shoulders or whatever. I've heard this from most of my TV friends and I've experienced the crushing disappointment myself all too often. It usually means stuff getting binned either because of not wanting to go through returning it, although again the more I do this, the less embarrassed/awkward I become, or because I've bust a zip or popped a seam trying to make the damn thing fit. -A bit like Cinderella's Ugly Sisters and the glass slipper.
So words of wisdom? just a few, first always buy bigger than it looks like I'll need, second I practice hard at eyeballing clothes for fit in the mens wear section so I don't get it too wrong in the ladies section and won't be misled by size tags. Third, I almost buy nothing now that doesn't have Lycra in it -a great compensator for size errors and helps with the fundamental difference in M vs F physique anyway. Finally by shopping in the same brands and chains of stores too, I get a feel for what the sizes mean to me because one store's L is another's XXL.
Shoes are even more difficult to get right as I've rather wide feet. Here my ultimate shopping rule comes into play, buy disposable, ie if I'm not sure of the fit, only spend as much money as I'm prepared to throw away if the fit is wrong. Of course this means I buy cheap shoes that are bad for my feet but as I don't get out much this hasn't been a problem. Back to Top
I like to start by laying out some clothes, then have a shower followed by a really close shave -face only. I find a combination of a hot shower and moisturizing my face makes for a really close shave that will last for a long time. Only a wet shave will do but I also find an electric foil shaver can improve on a couple of awkward spots. I follow this with a little more moisturizer and then I get dressed before using a towel around my shoulders to keep my clothes free of make-up. I know it makes more sense to make-up first but I enjoy it more getting dressed first. I start with a concealer stick under the eyes and on a couple of blemishes. I blend with a finger and follow this with foundation and seal it with brushed on translucent powder. I don't think I should but I cover all of my face with foundation as I need to even out the colour.
I then line my eyes with an automatic pencil. The ordinary pencils hurt if I slip and I gave up trying to get a straight line with liquid and it looks too harsh anyway. This is followed with shadow, usually light brown all over the eye socket with darker shades on the outer brow and eye-lid and a light shade from beside my nose and along the brow bone. Mascara follows (always water-soluble for ease of removal) and then some blusher - the less I use the better it looks. Then I brush on more translucent powder to seal everything. I can tune things a little about now because if I've got the blusher wrong I can tone it down a lot with powder, ditto with my eyes I can powder a little or not to tone down the shadow if I've got it wrong. I'll touch up the eye-liner and/or mascara if required before finally using a lip pencil and lip-stick. After a quick brush I finally put on the wig and hopefully will feel happy with what I see in the mirror. Back to Top
My idea of clothes fitting and others might not be the same, I really like to feel the clothes I wear every move I make so tight is usually the order of the day. Naturally at over 6'' and 180 lb.s I stand out right away in a dress. Adding heels to rather wide shoulders and a gravelly voice I'm not going to pass at closer than 50 yards and wearing short tight clothes is not going to help. So when I try to look passable I dress down, long skirts, loose tops etc but I'm still just too damn big and no chance if I open my mouth. I know all this but I still want to try passing! On the few occasions I've been out, I've kept a lot of distance from people but on those even rarer occasions I've walked past someone in the street, like at 1.00 AM, everything went fine until they get within a few yards of me and begin to realize this is one very big woman coming, then the double -takes start. I almost laughed one rare outing when a Honda Civic with four Chinese guys drove past, their eyes bulged as they stared out and then as they got closer up and up. Don't worry, when I was out, I really dressed down, I obviously don't need fish-nets and my PVC mini to get me noticed even more. I think I really need a safe TV environment but unfortunately in my very rural part of the world, not likely in this century. Maybe I should move to Holland, they have the tallest women in the world there. Back to Top
If you think you are a Transvestite and you're reading this, there's no easy way to say this. Bottom line, none of us can be cured. There have been some brutal attempts using aversion therapy to force people to quit cross-dressing but it doesn't work and has been pretty much forgotten about now. If we can't be cured, we sure can be treated though and that's good news. T* people can now be counseled and helped to come to terms with who we are and in the case of TS people, sex reassignment is now a routine although long and difficult option requiring huge commitment and an extensive program of assessment etc. I'm not dwelling on Transsexuals because I don't know enough about it and wouldn't want to cause any confusion. I will say however that if you feel you may be TS, please don't assume anything until you get some qualified help.
Unfortunately, where I live counseling is not readily available but I don't feel the need for it as much as I would have when I was first realizing I had "The Urge". I still suffer bouts of self-disgust and revulsion about my TV needs but I don't beat myself up about it like I used to. I suppose I've become more accepting of it as part of me and it's not such a big thing anymore. This only applies when I can dress frequently enough! I would really like to have been able to get some counseling from a help-line, pschyatrist, whomever, to reassure me that cross-dressing isn't perverse, sick, immoral, etc. It would have spared me a lot of worry and self-recrimination and saved a lot of clothes from purging! I strongly recommend finding someone you can talk to about being a TV, it's too much pressure to keep inside all the time and too easy to get it all out of proportion. Even if you don't feel you can tell a friend or family member, there's always some sort of anonymous phone support, examples are run by The Samaritans, various gender groups, etc. If you're reading this you've already figured the Internet is a fantastic resource for T* people with an incredible number of people willing to share their experiences and offer support and advice. All of us can empathise with the feeling of revelation and relief that there really are others out there. If I have the honour of being one of the first sites you've chanced on, you will be astonished when you see the number of chat-rooms, bulletin boards, web-sites, etc dedicated to T* issues at any level you could want, from make-up tips to step-throughs of Gender Reassignment surgery. Whatever your problem is, someone else has been there and survived and is probably out there ready and willing to reassure you.
I didn't mention newsgroups of which there are mainly two. These were great back before the WWW, in fact there used to be just one, but anytime I've checked by in the last couple of years it just seemed like one flame-war after another. Back to Top