Lil's Life

Frequently people tell me to "Get a life!" This page is here to prove to them that I have one. Maybe not what they've got, but it's all mine.

I was born in the vicinity of 50 years ago. I was born in the vicinity of the Northeastern United States. Because of those two simultaneous occurances it means I'm subject to the laws of time and space. But, at the age of 4, I decided that it was too cold up there so moved to the generally warmer climes of Texas, Dallas to be precise. Had I but known that Walt Disney would eventually build a theme park in Central Florida I would have moved to Orlando and waited for the wonderland to grow up around me.

Surprisingly I had the same kind of childhood as most pre-pubescent males of the species. I was a bit shy as a child and it seems to have dogged me most of my life. When I was 8 years old the family moved overseas for a few years. It was during this period that I developed my transgendered traits. I'm pretty certain that they were there below the surface, just waiting for something to trigger them. That trigger came in the form of a comic book where the main character disguised himself as an attractive woman to get the goods on a mob boss. "My god, a guy can do that? I wanna do that too." I started "borrowing" my sister's one piece swimsuit when I could engineer some solitary moments.

We came back to Texas and life went on. By 8th grade I was starting to notice girls. No, I wasn't checking them out for the purpose of emulating them. At the time I never thought I was that different from other guys. I was to learn later that I just didn't know what other guys were like..... really. In fact, I was probably more interested in girls than most other guys. But, as I said, I was shy, so I only looked, didn't touch.

By late high school I took my first dip into the dating pool. Since that time my dating history has been spotty at best. My first year in college put me in with three roommates, which made it difficult to pursue my crossdressing. But I did start to accumulate some of the paraphenalia that I needed. By my third year in college I was down to one roommate so only had to wait for one person to go home for the weekend. Away from home and by myself for a weekend at a time I could start getting serious. Needless to say, to an outside observer I was probably a pretty ridiculous sight.

Throughout the years I accmulated a bigger assortment of CD goods but didn't improve in terms of my presentability. I picked up a few tricks along the way but there was not going to be anything short of cosmetic surgery or magic that would make me look enough like a woman to fool anyone, makeup or no. After all, I was a fairly "guy" looking guy. Probably below average in the looks department. I never seriously considered I could fool anybody in public though I knew that there were some guys out there who did so.

In retrospect I wonder if I shouldn't have given it a try anyway. Later life proved to be eye opening.

This brings us up to a few years ago. The Web. The Internet. usenet. Especially usenet. You see, with all the tips I'd picked up over the years I still didn't know how to handle hiding that most masculine of traits, the beard. It was on a newsgroup that someone pointed out something that I thought was worth a try. Well, it wasn't 100% but it made a big difference when I applied it.

Since then the methods have improved. The Internet has been a tremendous source of information for me. But far beyond the technical expertise I've garnered from the Internet I must attribute much of my success at this pursuit to the personal support of my peers and compatriots in the world we call T*. I thank you all for the encouragement to make Lilith a more public presence. I just wish this had all happened a lot sooner... while I still had my looks.

***** New stuff ****

From where I left off before my life took a turn that was totally unexpected. This won't be quite as light-hearted as before. In 1997 I met a local girl from the newsgroups. She was at the same place as I was, a crossdresser who wanted to get out of the house. She had more drive than I had and eventually joined the local crossdressers club. A few month later she managed to get me to go..... dressed.... as Lilith...... in public.... or semi-public as a hotel meeting room might be. It was the first time I'd ever been amongst other people in femme mode.

Others from the club would go out to other places and on one occasion went to an IHOP at 1:00AM. Had it not been for the number of people I was with I would have been scared out of my wits. As it was, I discovered an inner feeling that's hard to describe when I was mayself and not cringing in the closet. This was probably the turning point of my life. The more I got out as Lilith, the more I needed it. I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender issues. My main goal was to attain the courage I needed to go out in public as Lilith by myself, not depending on the safety of others. It was she who first suggested, in an off-handed manner, that I would ever consider going fulltime.

I experimentally tried hormones and have been on them ever since. After a few months of having seen the therapist I had a personal crisis. It was a Friday evening and I was dressed, laid out on the sofa and reading a book. My mind kept thinking about all the girls I knew who would go out in public and not worry about it. Why didn't I have the courage to do that? I wanted so badly to be myself more of the time. I broke down and cried for a solid hour. I made a 911 to my therapist for the following Monday and expressed my problem and how intense I seemed to be about it. This led to her having invited me to join her evening group sessesion. A few days later I came out to my boss, who was quite accepting.

That was in September of 1999. The following February I hit another, though smaller, crisis. I determined then and there that I was going to have to set a date for transition. It always seemed to be one year from whatever the date was when asked. I knew I was moving in that direction but couldn't plan on the other things I had to get out of the way. I started my first major clearing with electrolysis in March, one of the things that needed to be taken care of.

April saw me going to see our primary HR person in secret to find out what our policy and procedure was on transitioning. We had none, but was told that it wouldn't be a problem. In June I saw my local HR and was guaranteed support. So I made plans for roughly a year from that point.

The funny thing was that I was planning it even though I still didn't think myself passable enough. Right after that I had gotten clocked big time and that pushed me to get something done about it. I had considered facial surgery to soften my features for a while and finally decided to commit to it by taking out a loan. So, the Surgery was in December of 2000 and six weeks later I had yet another major clearing with electrolysis.

With the surgery and the electrolysis out of the way I began to spend my weekends as Lilith. It was by way of testing and of determining how people reacted. I also needed the courage to do it when it came to going fulltime. It's generally accepted that if you have the confidence and don't look like you're uncomfortable, you're more likely to get by. It took a while but eventually it came. I had hoped to take off a few weeks prior to July 4th and come back right after the holiday but there was a delay. My HR department wanted me to have the court order for a name change in their posession before I could start showing up at work as Lilith. Because of some delays the name, with official gender change, came on August 3, 2001. HR got their paperwork and I went on three weeks vacation August 24, 2001. On September 18th I showed up at work as Lilith. About half way through the three week period my confidence level just seemed to kick in. Since then there have been no major indications that people suspect my past, outside of work.

I'd like to say that everthing has been wonderful since then, but it hasn't. However, nothing bad can be directly attributable to my transition. It's just the things that life can throw anyone.

New 06/24/03 I got a makeover recently. The first ever under real professionals (Pure Colour in Dallas.) So just for the heck of it. I'm adding one of the pics that I got out of it. I think the results are quite different from my normal look. And this is the first time in a long time that I've worn any other hair color but auburn.

New 01/24/04 The culmination of this path I found myself on finally came about last month. On Novmember 30th I flew to Bangkok. On December 2nd I took a little pill and a few hours later I had female plumbing in place of the male plumbing I had before. Of course, it was that easy. The pill just put me to sleep. Dr. Preecha took care of the rest of it.