My Life

Hello. My name is Michelle Lynn. I was born Michael Lionel however. I am a transsexual woman. I was born physically male in October of 1959. At present (11/19/00), I am happily married to Suzie, a genetic female. I have 2 children, Rachel who is 9 and Matthew who is 8. Both my parents are alive and well and living in Rhode Island in close proximity to me. I also have a slightly younger brother and a slightly older sister.
I cannot recall the first 5 or 6 years of my life. My earliest recollections are from those years when I began going to school. My Mom said that I was always a happy and calm sort of child in my pre-school years. During these pre-school years it was just me and my family. I was safe and secure at home and I must assume that I was very much so like most other boys. No, I did not play dolls or dress-up.
My childhood memories begin when I began first grade. I started, like all the other children, with a clean slate. Quickly however, it became evident that something wasn't right. I had great difficulty in relating to the other boys in class. I had trouble relating to everyone in school to be honest. I did not seem to "fit in". I remember trying so hard to just be like everybody else but no matter how I tried, I was not accepted by my peers. This time of my life reminds me of the Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer Christmas special in that Rudolph was cast away because he was different. In my story however, there was no heroic act that would occur to help people accept me. I quickly became withdrawn from the other children. I would sit alone at recess in fear of again being cast aside and rejected. The tormenting from the other children continued. I was not like the other boys. They were aggressive and active while I was quite the opposite of that. The girls were not any different. They were fully aware that I was not fitting in with the other boys. They teased and tormented me as well. I became even more withdrawn. Mom and Dad were soon made aware of my problems by my teachers and principal. I was sent to the school psychologist for evaluation in 2nd or 3rd grade and can still remember vividly sitting there in her office being shown ink blots and pictures that were purposely drawn with errors. I have recently learned from my aunt that after this evaluation I was prescribed some type of anti - depressant. Mom did not keep me on this drug for long as it made me tired and lethargic.
My problems in elementary school would continue. Now; say third or fourth grade, we were all getting bigger and stronger. I was still very timid. The other boys began to beat me up at recess. After school during my walk home, they would ambush me and beat me up or throw stones at me. I would find different routes home to avoid these bullies but they would seek me out in time. It was like hunting season to them and I was the prey. I never did fight back. I was an easy target. Of course, it was usually 3 - 4 of them and one of me. I remember one day when only one boy ambushed me after school. I think I had just had it with all of this. Something snapped! I almost killed this kid. I can remember that vividly as well. I had him pinned down and was beating on his face so hard. I kept asking him to "give" but he wouldn't. I kept striking him until he was bloodied. The next day, his older brother did the same to me.
I seemed to be always blamed for all of this trouble I would get into. I guess that the teachers and my parents assumed this because I was always the target and that I must have been doing something to encourage these bullies. Of course, being as withdrawn as I was, I would have a very difficult time in defending myself. My mom was quite overbearing anyway and I quickly learned to just be quiet. It was easier that way. During all of this time of elementary school as I have said, I became very withdrawn at school. I was building myself some walls in which to protect myself ... a closet if you will. I would live in a closet for much of my life.
At home on weekends life was OK I guess. I had 2 friends who; like me, were also outcasts of sorts. We hung around together and played and got along really well.
From my best recollection, I believe that my crossdressing began around the age of 8 or so. It would continue until the age of 38 when I began gender transition. At the age of 8 it is not an easy task to do something that you feel is shameful and wrong and not get caught at it. Well guess what? I did it! All those years of crossdressing and my parents never knew ... or maybe they just didn't want to know. They insist that they had no clue. Anyway, I went to great lengths to hide my activities from my family and friends. I would lock myself in the bathroom and only crossdress in the clothes from the hamper. If I went into Mom's or Sister's drawers, they would certainly notice something out of place. My time in the bathroom was limited as my parents would certainly become suspicious if I were there too long with the door locked behind me.
Why did I do this? What did it feel like? I don't know why but I felt at peace. Maybe it was an escape from the stresses of my life. I felt good and I felt free. At the same time however, I felt great guilt and shame as this was not "normal". Boys aren't supposed to be doing this. My crossdressing was like an addiction. Part of me hated it but the other part of me had to do it. It is the latter half that would win that battle.
As I reached the age of 10, I had much more freedom from my Mom. I had acquired a paper route at about this time. I would find time daily to go far into the woods and crossdress. I would steal clothes from the laundry room at the local apartment complex where I had my paper route. I developed quite a collection of lady's clothing and I would visit them daily if possible. No one knew of my activities. I would hide them well. I had even built walls to protect me from my family and friends. I had a big secret that no one could ever know about. Those walls I had built had become 4 - sided by now. I had my own little closet. It was safe in this little closet. I could not be honest with anyone about me. I had a big secret and no one would ever understand. And because crossdressing was now such a major part of my life, my family and friends I suppose ... didn't really know me at all. I guess I didn't know me either. I was completely confused. I still didn't understand my little passion. It was something I did and something I had to do ...so I did it. The shame was there. The guilt was there. The closet was there and it was very safe. I think that when one is "in the closet", they are not only in the closet toward others but also from within themselves. This is called denial. I think ...in a way ... that I was in denial about my gender issue during my early years. I just didn't go there. I did not explore this. How could I? I was ashamed of myself. I was not mature either. It takes maturity to expose ones self to ones self. That would come later.
OK, so ... now I am finally in high school, getting a bit older as are all these mean kids who always beat me up. This all finally came to an end by 10th grade. At this point they just left me alone save for a couple of isolated instances. I was about the same though, non-aggressive, timid, and shy. I like girls but was always too shy to talk to them. I always seemed to have them up on a pedistal. I was very intimidated by them. Of course, with any relationship I would have between high school and my first marriage, there was always that big lie that haunted me. I certainly couldn't tell these girls that I was a crossdresser. They would dump me for sure. So, my relationships with girls started as nothing but a big lie. That just added to the guilt that I felt. And ...how could one have a healthy relationship with anyone if from day one ... it began with a lie, a lie that would almost certainly have brought and end to that relationship? These relationships were over before they began. They had no chance of survival. I was still in my little closet, my little walls surrounding me and protecting me and my secret. It was safe this way. It was the only way for me.
I entered college the year following high school. I commuted back and forth from home. I continued to crossdress through these next 4 years. I also fell into the pot smoking and drinking scene. I guess that this was an escape from my low self esteem. I was unhappy from within. There was still much shame and guilt concerning my crossdressing. I was not however, even close to being ready to explore this issue. I was more content at the time with finding happiness through getting high. It made closeted life easier I suppose. That closet did get lonely and dark sometimes. It was not a good place to be but it was where I had to be at the time.
During my sophomore year, I met my first wife. She worked with me at the retail store where I had worked. She was married and had 2 children. It didn't matter. I liked her and became infatuated with her. We had an affair. It was wrong. I knew it but I did it anyway. I think now that this was just another way for me to find happiness. I didn't have that happiness from within so I looked elsewhere for it. At first, as with any new relationship, it was wonderful and new and exciting. There was always that haunting lie though. I couldn't tell her about my crossdressing. No way! She'd dump me for sure. I remember the day we stood up in front of the Justice of the Peace. I remember thinking what a mistake this all was. I didn't have the guts to walk away. Maybe I was afraid to be alone after being with her and living with her for 2 years. We lasted 6 years. She did discover my little secret soon into our relationship. We lived together. This was inevitable. I think part of me wanted her to know. Now that she was married to me it was safe for her to find out. I did try to hide it from her but I suppose that I took greater risks. I wasn't quite as careful in hiding my tracks as I was as a child. When she found out, I more or less played it down. "This is just something I do. It's really no big deal." I could see that she was uncomfortable with this whole thing so I continued to crossdress alone. I still would feel that same peace and freedom as I had felt as a child. Once in a while she would know that I had dressed while alone. She would make a comment to me just so I would know that she knew what I was up to. And that was the end of that.
We came to grow apart. Although she knew my secret, I was still lying to her. I was sneaking and I was still safe in my closet. My walls were still up towards her and to me. How could we ever have grown together under those circumstances? It really was a failed relationship even before it started.
Even before our divorce in 1991 I began another relationship. I wasn't even over the first one yet but I needed to be happy. I continued to seek that happiness through someone else. It hadn't yet dawned on me that one must find happiness from within before they could ever find happiness in a relationship. This new relationship would last all of 5 months and only 3 of them were happy ones for me ...superficially anyway. I never did tell this woman of my crossdressing. I didn't feel that she was the type of person who could accept it. I was sure she would find it revolting. This relationship was just another big lie from the beginning. It had no chance. I was not honest and up front with her. Those walls were always there to some extent. They were far from ready to come down. During the break up of that relationship I lived alone for several months. I hated it. I had nobody to make me happy anymore. My drinking increased. I was distraught. My only peace was in crossdressing but even that didn't seem to have the desired affect. My depression and guilt and shame were even worse after a "dressing session" was ended.
During these 2 relationships I did something we called "purging". Purging is a form of denial. It is a way of attempting to push away our gender issue via throwing away all accumulated female clothing. It is also an effort in vain to rid ourselves of this awful curse.There is still great shame and guilt. It is these feelings that cause a purging. Crossdressers do not usually want to be this way. Most of us try so hard at times to push it away. In most cases, it is an attempt in vain. These feelings never left me no matter how hard I pushed at them. I didn't want to deal with this ... I wanted to just walk away from it. I was sick of the hiding and the dishonesty and the potential loss of a relationship. I guess I just wanted to be normal. However, although I did not understand it at the time, my crossdressing was a symptom of a gender problem, one that I had not yet explored so did not understand.
After the break up of the 5 month relationship, I met my present wife Suzie. This relationship was no different than any of the others .... a big lie with closets and walls. Yes, she discovered my dressing by accident. She didn't understand it or like it but tolerated it. It bothered her. She is a hetererosexual woman who is attracted to a male image. Outside of during my crossdressing, I never acted in a way that would cause anyone to see anything but male. I was not outwardly effiminate. I hid that side of me very well.
Our new relationship was wonderful at first as were all the others. I had found hapiness through someone else again. Of course that didn't last very long. We began having difficulties early on. We both had children who were very young so I think that our time and attention were drawn toward them which in effect took the edge off of us. I was doing OK as well. I had my children to draw my attention toward. Again, hapiness through someone else. Inside however, I was not happy. Not really. It was just another distraction to keep me going. I had not yet even begun to look inside of myself ...to know who I was. Until that time came, I would never ever find that happiness.
OK, now it's December of 1997and I just bought this computer as a family Christmas gift.
This thing would begin to change my life forever. Being online I should say ... triggered certain events that would allow me to explore myself. I remember the first day I was connected to the internet. I went into a search engine and typed in the word "transsexual".
Wow! Look at all this stuff! Chat rooms and Message boards. Research information and life histories. I quickly became fond of chat rooms. I was too scared to talk in the transgendered room so I just listened. The one thing initially that I realized was that I was not so alone. The internet gives crossdressers and other transgendered people a safety net which allows them to peek out from there closets. That is what happened to me. I had an outlet. I finally had people I coud talk to, people who were like me. And you know what, they were nice people! They weren't weirdos! They were peole who were scared just like me, people who had to be afraid to be themselves, people who had to hide all their lives. Some of these people however, had already reached the point of self-exploration. They were out to some extent. They were not ashamed to have a strong female side. They were even proud! Wow! Slowly, over time, the shame and guilt of my crossdressing began to fade away. This and only this is what enabled me to ever so slowly peek out of my closet and weaken the walls that I had built around myself. Of course, I hid all of my online activities from Sue. She would never be able to deal with this. I would be on this computer untill the wee hours of the morning. I had found my outlet and I liked it.
At one point, oh, about 2 and a half years ago, Sue came across a letter I had written to a transsexual woman who I had become friends with. She assumed that this woman was a genetic woman and thought that I was having an online affair. This would certainly explain to her the long nights on the computer. She had become suspicious before then.
It was time we had a long talk. We went out to a restaurant and talked about all of this, about my gender issue, about the crossdressing. It turns out that she had played down my dressing as "just some kinky thing he likes to do." I guess that's how I had explained it to her when she first found out about it. Anyway, she took a rather odd approach to the whole thing. She thought this female thing and the online thing could be alot of fun. She herself got involved with online chat. She even got me all dolled up one night to see what I would look like as a woman... a dress, make-up, the whole nine yards. This was fun for her. Little did she know where this would lead. She, in doing this, had just opened my closet door all the way. I said to myself, "Wow! My wife accepts this! Now I can fully explore this without the risk of losing her". And that's exactly what I did. I began dressing every night while she was home and after my son had gone to bed. I began practicing the art of make-up. I did this every night. It felt wondeful to finally be me in front of another person. It felt wonderful not to have to hide. I was out of my closet at least to my wife. I could be me at home after Matthew went to bed. This nightly dressing continued for about 3 weeks. One night Sue walked in and saw me, gave me a disgusted look, and walked out of the room. I went to ask her what was the matter. She said that she thought this would be fun but she sees that it was getting out of control. "Why do you have to do this every night?", she asked. I told her I was hurting no one and that I liked being me. Although she began to frown on my nightly dressing, I continued on. I had to. It was too wonderful a feeling. There was no way in the world I would go back into that closet, even at the risk of losing her.
Soon, the nightly dressing was not enough. I felt imprisoned still. I was still in my closet really, but now it was just a bigger closet. Sue continued pulling away from my dressing. She was getting scared of what the future would bring. She had been online for a while now and she knew of transsexualism. She did not however, see me as transsexual. Neither did I for that matter. I had wondered about it but it was too scary a thought. It did seem like I was on that path but I didn't really know. It was like gravity. A huge magnet was pulling at me and even if I fought it, it would always be stronger. I could pull away temporarily but it would pull me back.
During this time, I met a local transsexual online who happened to live locally. We met soon after and became friends. Her name is April. Sue and April and I would get together frequently. I think that this only served to make matters worse for Sue. I think she looked at April and could see the future even more clearly. Would I become like April, living full time as a woman, on hormones, surgery?
Soon after we had met, April introduced me to a Boston area transgender support club called The Tiffany Club of New England. We began going every week together. Sue would go as well sometimes. The Tiffany Club is comprised mostly of crossdressers, most of whom are in the closet and very secretive. The club offers an opportunity for closeted crossdressers to get dressed and go out somewhere instead of having to always be locked up at home. I enjoyed myself immensely and was surprisingly very comfortable. It was really the first time I had been in the company of other crossdressers. I must admit that I was afraid they would all be a bunch of weirdos and sex freaks. They weren't. Most were married, had children, had succesful jobs, and all had a strong feminine side that needed to be expressed. To Sue, my joining this club and beginning to go out of our home was just another step toward her worst nightmare, me as a woman 24 / 7. She got more and more scared as the days past. I remember her saying to me, "If you start doing hormones, that's it, I'm leaving!" She had asked April about hormones and about what she thought about me. I guess April saw it in me. She predicted what would happen.
Going to the Tiffany Club weekly was wonderful and all but, soon that too was not enough. I needed more. I had heard of a doctor who would send hormones in the mail without ever seeing his patient. I knew this was a wrong thing to do but as I said, I needed more. I contacted him without Sue's knowledge and began HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Of course it was inevitable that Sue would find out and she did, even before I received my first order. Well it turns out she didn't leave me. Her fears became stronger though. Now this was getting serious. No more fun and games. Now even I was getting scared! "What the hell am I doing! What will become of me? Am I ruining my life?" Even with those thoughts, the magnet kept pulling. "No more closet for me Thank You!" I'd rather be more a woman and have a difficult life than to go back to the way I was, male and hiding and lying. Even though I was afraid to death, I continued on ... but, I did do one smart thing. I contacted Christine Becker, a gender therapist from the Boston area. I had decided that if I were going to be taking potentially dangerous female hormones that I'd better do it right. Right meaning that I would undergo the required therapy and be approved for hormones through Ms. Becker and an Endocrinologist. I saw her for 3 months and finally she gave me my approval letter. She at that time had diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder. Thats the funky medical term for transgendered. Anyway, now I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist. This type of doctor works with people's glands ...mostly thyroid. Some also treat transgendered patients but not all. In fact, the first endochrinologist that I had scheduled with cancelled just a day before our appointment siting "moral conflicts" as she worded it. Oh well, I wouldn't want anyone with moral conflicts concerning me to lay a finger on me anyway, so I was better off that she was at least honest about her predjudices. So, I had blood work done and began hormones the right way. Now at least I knew that a doctor would be monitoring me just in case something went awry.
During the time with Ms. Becker, Sue became very angry and lost. What was happening? She was in complete disbelief. "This can't be happening ", she would say. Why me! She would go to my therapy sessions with me. Ms.Becker would emphasize that I am the same person as before. She would emphasize to Sue that Sue fell in love with me not for my gender but for the quality of my person. I suppose this is true but I have to say that if Sue had decided to transition to manhood, I don't know if I could do it with her. I guess no one really knows how they would react unless it were happening to them. It's easy to just say, "I would divorce him/her." It's not one of those experiences that happens to too many. My wife had no one who she could talk to that could really relate to this. She knew that Ms. Becker was ultimately my therapist and that her word was bias toward my well being and not Sue's.
I was in heaven this whole time, at least from within. I was finally me even though I was still not out in public much. That was still too scary and would take more time. My marriage and my wife were crumbling however. But I was at peace in my soul and I was happy and no one would take that away from me. I wouldn't let anyone touch that. It's something I hadn't had for 38 years and I would protect it at all cost, even if it meant losing my wife, my children, and my business. I kept on, hoping that time and consistancy would be my allie with Sue. In time it would be, but it would take time.
By now, I had told our good friends Mark and Cindy about me. I was scared to death to tell them but I had to start coming out and I did so in tiny increments. They were really cool about the whole thing. I was elated! Wow! Maybe most people woud be OK with it too! During this early stage of transition I was slowly changing my appearance. I started letting my hair grow out. It was very short and I had a beard. That had to go! I also started shaving my underarms, then my legs. I was scared in just doing these things. It was a commitment of sorts and people might notice. I think I waited until fall to shave my legs so I would not have the need for shorts any longer. I also figured I would just stop shaving for next spring when it was time for shorts again. That needless to say, never happened. I continued shaving the following spring and took my chances. I also had one ear pierced. I was very self conscious about one lousy earring, especially during work when my customers would notice. They had always seen me as a conservative type guy. Now here I am with long hair and an earring! I thought they would think I was gay. I would tell anyone who would question my changes that I was experiencing mid-life crisis. I was 39. This would work. Eventually I would have my other ear piercing done and by then I was comfortable and used to wearing an earing. I realize that it's no big deal for a guy to wear one or even two earrings but you must remember, I knew the real reason for them and that is what made me uncomfortable. I was so afraid that someone would figure me out. I was not at all even close to ready for that. I called this whole time period my androgenous stage. I was changing in appearance but I didn't go out as female as of yet. I did however, have myself looking as somewhat of an effeminate male. I got lots of stares from people during this time and lots of questions from my clients. That mid-life crisis excuse was used again and again. I also began the process of electrolysis to remove my facial hair. This is a 2 - 3 years ordeal from start to completion where the facial hairs are damaged and slowly die off until one day no more facial hair will grow back.
Slowly I began going out in public, but always away from my home town. I was still afraid that if I went out locally, someone I knew would see me and recognize me. I would go to neighboring towns where the chances of being recognized were reduced. Yes, I was still scared to death but I had to overcome this fear and I knew it. Only experience at being out in public would alleviate this fear. It would simply take time. In time that is what happened. I was still very self aware but I did become more comfortable. I was doing a better job with my make-up and dressed more conservatively. I would blend in and not be so noticable this way. In time, I started going to some stores in my area. Sue would sometimes come with me but would usually walk well ahead of me. Although I was becoming more at ease in "coming out" Sue was not ready for it at all. She more or less jumped into her own closet as I came out of mine. I think that maybe it was fear and shame and embarassment of being married to someone like me. In time she would become less uncomfortable.
Now we are in September of 1999 and I am pretty darn sure of the path that I am on. I have made peace with myself and my decision to transition. In a way however, I was still in the closet. I still hadn't told my parents, my siblings, or any of my other friends about me. They had to be told. I think it took me 3 tries in the company of Mom before I actually could tell her. I just blurted it out. "Mom, I am transsexual." She didn't understand at first. She asked me if I had had sex with men. I had to explain it to her and I also showed her a picture of me. She told my Dad for me because I was too afraid. I have always felt that men would have a more difficult time with acceptance of male to female transsexuals ... even more so when that male happened to have been your son! My entire family took this very hard. They ran the gammet of reasoning this through ... mid-life crisis, over-stress, mental disorders. To them, this certainly was all my imagination at work. Some crazy thing Michael has done because life is boring. "I'm sure it will pass", they must have said. None of my family disowned me however. None of them are rejoicing but they try to be supportive. I give them alot of credit for that. For many of us, family desertion is the result. Sad but true.
My guy friends, mostly married with their own families, were shocked. Most all were polite to my face but I have to wonder what is said behind closed doors. I didn't see them that much anyway as we all have our own families to tend to. Time seems to have helped them as well.
Sue went through the same stages of disbelief and anger and finally acceptance as did my family. We were inches from separation. She for a long time would not tell her co-workers about me fearing ridicule and disdain. Slowly she reached out to some of these people. Most all were shocked but accepting. They were also very very curious. None of these women had ever met a transgendered person before. They had seen us on Oprah or worse...Jerry Springer.... but never had one touch their lives. They asked Sue a thousand questions and she got to liking answering them. Once she realized that most of her friends were not judgemental, she began to come out of her shell. She began to to come out of her closet. She began to feel comfortable in not hiding but instead, being open and honest. This in turn helped our relationship tremendously. Not only did Sue lose of male image in her life ... a husband if you will, but she feared the risk of losing her own friends as she would certainly be "branded" if she were to stay with someone like me.
For a long time, Sue would not let go of that male image. She was hoping and praying this would all go away and that Michael would some day miraculously return. It was that not letting go of Michael that would delay her acceptance of Michelle. For her to accept Michelle, she would first have to let go of the "old me." In a way it is a death. Michael died but closure of that death was not so simple. You see, Michael died but was still there in a sense, not buried, not gone, but there in a different form, a different gender. Usually when someone dies, there is a funeral, there are goodbyes, that person is laid to rest. There is closure after a period of grieving. Closure in this kind of death is much more difficult. There is no funeral. There is a ghost of the person you once loved, a living breathing ghost. Burial must be from within her mind and she must be ready to let go of that person, that male that she once loved. Yes, I am the same person ... just a new and improved version, but Sue had to see that for herself and accept my new female package. In time she would accept but it would just take time and lots of love and understanding and patience.
Once the cat was out of the bag, I could start being me around everyone. I had decided to wait until Spring of 2000 to tell my clients about me. I would tell them in a brief letter. I have about 400 clients in my lawn business. I had to send "coming out" letters to each and every one of them. Many of these people live right here in my town. I was so afraid when the time came to mail those letters not knowing what the reaction would be. Would I lose many of my clients? Would my business collapse? Now I risked my livelyhood ...but I had to do it. It was that magnet pulling at me again. Sending that letter to those 400 families was like being put up on a stage with a thousand people watching and then having your clothes RIPPED off of you. Complete exposure! The letter went out, a few days went by. I would check my answering machine praying for no calls or positive calls. I didn't know what to expect. Finally I had a message on the machine. I was afraid but I hit the play button. The message said, " Michelle, I just wanted you to know that I got your letter. I give you alot of credit. You have courage. I am looking forward to you servicing my lawn this season". I started to cry. My heart dropped. I was so happy. This one call would give me so much confidence. Soon I began to receive letters in the mail from clients. Some had prayers for me, others were letters of inspiration. Wow! I tell you. This experience gave me a whole new outlook on humanity. People were so nice to me, so supportive. Now I was on cloud 9. My business was going to be OK. To this day my business is healthy and stable. I lost maybe 15 out of 400 clients this past spring that may have been because of my transsexualism. That's a low percentage.
Meanwhile ... back at the ranch ... (Just Kidding)   :-)      I was continually learning to be more comfortable in public. I was by this time, living my life as female all the time. Sue and I were dong much better now. My children, who were always supportive, had become at ease with me. Things seemed to be falling into place nicely. I was happy. My wife and children and family were coming to terms with this and my business was OK. Soon my life became routine again, only this time, routine as a woman. It was actually a relief to see my life normalize again. For quite a while my life was in an uproar. It was exciting yes, but I have always led a quiet kind of life and I missed that during my transition. Living female has become normal for me. It's normal now for me to feel happy inside and to be at peace with myself. That was not a normal feeling for me before. Before my insides were in turmoil, boiling and full of pressure. My life was just an exsistance, a life that would just come and then would just go with no meaning attached to it. My wife and I have a better relationship than we have ever had. We are closer than we ever were. There is complete honesty between us. She knows everything there is to know about me now. There is no more hiding or lying. She has the tools she needs now to work with me. I have always felt that in order for a relationship to work, both partners must be happy from within. Their happiness must come from within themselves, not from their partner. It just doesn't work the other way. I have become happy and proud and at peace with myself for the first time in my life and I think that in itself has played an important role in the improvement of our relationship. I don't look to Sue for my happiness anymore. I don't lean on her for it. Yes, I am happy being with her but I would also be OK alone. I just know that to be true. I really think I would be OK being alone. It feels good to feel that way because before I was afraid to death to ever be alone. No matter what happens in my future, I know I will always have me.
   On this date 11/22/00 I live full time as female. I have had my name legally changed to Michelle Lynn. My drivers licence and birth certificate and social security card and all my bills and credit card reflect this change. Legally however, according to the great state of Rhode Island, I am considered legally female only after I have had my surgery. I have planned that surgery for January of 2003. This 2 year wait will give me time to experience life as I now know it and will also give Suzie time to adjust to this drastic procedure.
My breasts have developed to some extent since beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy. If they do not develop to my satisfaction ...that is, in proportion to my body size, then I will likely schedule breast augmentation as well as Sexual Reassignment Surgery.
I still find it incredible how my transition has touched my life and the lives of those around me. I guess it's just because I'm happy now and that I have finally allowed myself to know me. I am not such a bad person. I'm kind of a good person actually. I have become more open with people and more giving. I speak my mind more freely when something needs to be said because I have more confidence in me. I seem to bring out the good in people. My work ethic has improved. My relationships with my wife and children have only gotten better. All these things that one would think would have been destroyed have grown. My transition to womanhood has been a blessing to me and I have no regrets whatsoever. It's just nice to be me.
Sure it's hard sometimes. I'm passable to many but I get "read" sometimes. People will stare and smirk. I tell myself that it's them with the problem, not me. Getting ready to go anywhere is now a project. Getting showered, dressed, and doing my make-up can take anywhere from 2-3 hours. Without make-up, I still see the old me and I don't feel I look female. If I am tired or for any reason feel less than 100% it tends to be more difficult to pass. I have found my female voice to be most difficult of all. Sometimes it's OK but when I am tired I find it almost impossible to maintain my femme voice. Experience in using it has improved it tremendously however. Hormones have no affect on voice in male to female transsexuals.It's something I have to practice. Electrolysis is expensive and painful. I have fortunately found ways to tolerate the pain. My electrolygist; Elaine, is a sweetheart. We have become friends. I talk to her during our session and that helps to keep my mind occupied. Elaine is always telling me to be quiet when she's working on an area of my face where talking creates to much movement. She has the needle so I do what she tells me. :-)
All of these inconveniences are a small price to pay for my happiness.
Today is Thanksgiving and yes, I have alot to give thanks for. I am thankful that my family is still sitting here around my table having a turkey dinner with me. I am thankful that I can be open and honest with Sue and Matthew and Rachel. I am thankful to be living. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to feel alive.
About 15 months ago I quit drinking. I had a drinking problem. I would only drink when I was alone and it was usually every day. I seemed to be uncomfortable being alone. I think that I was afraid of my thoughts. When I had made the decision to begin transition, I had then decided that if I am going to do this, I'm going to do it right. Drinking would only serve to destroy what I was trying to accomplish ... happiness. I am proud to say that I am completely drug and alcohol free. My mind is straight all the time so I can more trust my feelings. At least know that they have not been manipulated by mind altering chemicals.
                                            xoxox   Michelle Lynn      :-)